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Space Cowgirl
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03-09-2010, 04:14 AM
So recently, I've noticed that I've gotten into the habit of wasting my time on men who treat me badly and make me feel absolutely awful. They ignore me, use me, and make me feel like I'm not worth anything.
I've had this empty, hollow feeling inside me that I can't seem to be able to explain to anyone, not even to myself. I feel disconnected from people most of the time, and when I try to get close to someone, it feels like they push me away, no matter how subtle I am about trying to get closer.
But why do I keep trying to get close to assholes? They don't seem that way when I first meet them, but by the time their asshole-ish tendencies start to come out, it's too late, and I'm in too deep. Like right now, the guy I'm seeing won't be affectionate with me at all in public. When we're alone, he's exceedingly paranoid about getting caught if we're doing anything. He even tells me to be quiet. Is he ashamed of me? I also know that I'm not the only girl he's seeing, but I want to be. I know I should just walk away and stop hurting myself, but I'm so afraid to be alone that I can't make myself do it, even if he makes me feel like shit.
I know I'm explaining myself badly here... I'm not even sure why I'm posting this actually. Maybe I just need someone to tell me I'm not alone, and that I'm not worthless or pathetic?
Last edited by background noises; 03-09-2010 at 04:18 AM..
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Chickie Nuggs
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03-09-2010, 04:21 AM
Aww background, I cannot say that I relate, but you are definitely not worthless. I can tell just from your words and your anguish.
Is there any particular trait about these guys that keeps attracting you? Like...do they portray a kind of bad-boy thing that may attract you? (because that's what always gets me *cough cough*) But seriously, I don't think that you should give up on relationships. I'd understand if you would, though. You seem to have been through a lot. You should just take what you've experienced and apply it to future ones. Like, say, if a guy shows any signs of what your previous boyfriends have had before, then just ditch him and find another. OR just do what I do and wait for the "possible right guy" to find me. :)
I hope I made you feel at least a little better.
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Space Cowgirl
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03-09-2010, 04:24 AM
I can't really say that it's any particular trait that attracts me... I mean, I do have a 'type', but it's a pretty broad type... I tend to be attracted to skinny, nerdy, artsy guys or guys who play instruments. Initially, it's their physical qualities that attract me, and usually they seem really smart and cool at first, too. But then... I dunno. Maybe it's me, maybe it's them. I have no idea. Maybe they can sense how needy I am?
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blankgirl
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03-09-2010, 04:37 AM
i had a nerd once i broke up becuase it wasnt working, he went from loving me to hating everyone (he did this b4 but it got worse, he basicaly thought everyone was beinth him...) and not trusting anyome....
then I had a musician that would spend more time with his instruments than me...that dint work out either.
I tend to like people with extreme hobbies altough i have none of my own (im good at lots of things but not realy good at one particular thing) and i easily get swept up in thier hobbies
as for finding our thier asshole-ness no you are not alone...it takes me about a year befre i get sick of it and leave them but i keep runing into the same problem the next time... at first things are great than i reat to know what that person is acctualy like and not just how they are to me becasue they are dating and they treat me different. this happenes to most ppl
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Chickie Nuggs
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03-09-2010, 04:42 AM
No, there will always be guys like that out there, but here's a word of advice. If you want to be with guys who physically attract you, then that's partly fine, but search for more than just looks. There are particular traits that give guys bonus points for me. One of those traits is long hair, but my past relationships were ones which I dived into way too fast without getting to know them better. I've always believed that there needs to be a balance when liking a person. It's natural to like a person because of physical traits, but getting to better know their personality is a plus too. If all they are in the relationship is good looks, then what good is the relationship anyways?
Last edited by Chickie Nuggs; 03-09-2010 at 04:45 AM..
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Nissa
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03-09-2010, 05:08 AM
I used to do that, and it didn't take long after I realized what I was doing to myself for me to change my self destructive ways. You're definitely not alone, and things will improve for you. Just remember that relationships have a huge selfish side to them. If your mate isn't good for you, then you don't need him. Dating isn't an act of charity, otherwise you'd be able to count it on your taxes. XD
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Space Cowgirl
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03-09-2010, 07:04 AM
Looks aren't EVERYTHING, obviously, but they're usually a good place to start... Call me shallow I guess, but I'll talk to a person I'm physically attracted to before I'll talk to one I'm not. But, someone I initially find attractive can becoem preeeetty unattractive real fast if there's something about their personality I don't like... it works the other way, too sometimes.
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Chickie Nuggs
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03-09-2010, 07:40 AM
It's like I said, everyone has their own ideas of what's attractive and what isn't and it's only natural to go for the ones which attract you the most. However, boys tend to be cool at first and then they change as you get to know them (for better or for worse) and you need to decide, then, if you want to take the friendship a step further. If you can already tell when there's something about a guy's personality that you don't like, then take more time getting to know a guy if your history of boyfriends has proven to be a pattern. That's all I can really say since my experiences with boyfriends were different. :P
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Space Cowgirl
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03-09-2010, 07:44 AM
Thanks for your input. I'm pretty sure I know what I'm gonna do... In this situation at least. I'm gonna get out before I get in too deep :/ I know myself, I know my patterns, and it's really not a good idea to let myself get hurt again >< Thanks for all the perspective... It helped.
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Chickie Nuggs
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03-09-2010, 07:55 AM
Yes, that is the best way to do it. And if I know anything about boys, they can be manipulative especially if one falls for them, so you need to stay strong when you finally do get out of that relationship.
You're much welcome! I hope things go well for you~
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dieyousucker
bring me back my soul
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03-09-2010, 08:31 AM
omg! i feel your pain... havent solved my problems.... not one. i feel like shit all the time!
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Vitamin Kitten
Symptomatic luv addict
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03-09-2010, 04:32 PM
The reason we fall into destructive or unhealthy relationships is usually because we never had an example of a healthy relationship to guide us. It falls to the parents to teach healthy boundaries and good communication to their children and with their relationships with their children and partners -- in this way, healthy patterns get perpetuated. My guess is that your situation is not too different; either your parents were at odds with one another, or were at odds with you, or you've had some other negative experience with your relationships growing up. I'm not proposing to break you down and fit you into a neat little box of generalization, because people don't always fit them, but in my experience in working with individuals with relationship issues (I'm a crisis counselor), this is the case, and it's unfortunate, because everyone deserves to be loved and be well taken care of, both as children and as adults. At the very least, if this is the case for you, you can at least begin to get some idea of where these patterns come from. Learn about healthy boundaries and good communication. Learn what lines you want to draw in your relationships (romantic and otherwise), and take your time gradually drawing them and building them stronger day by day. It takes practice and it won't happen over night; but the more you learn about yourself and what you need and want in relationships, the more you will be able to stick by those needs and wants. :)
I hope this was helpful, and I wish you the best of luck in your relationships.
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Space Cowgirl
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03-09-2010, 06:50 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vitamin Kitten
The reason we fall into destructive or unhealthy relationships is usually because we never had an example of a healthy relationship to guide us. It falls to the parents to teach healthy boundaries and good communication to their children and with their relationships with their children and partners -- in this way, healthy patterns get perpetuated. My guess is that your situation is not too different; either your parents were at odds with one another, or were at odds with you, or you've had some other negative experience with your relationships growing up. I'm not proposing to break you down and fit you into a neat little box of generalization, because people don't always fit them, but in my experience in working with individuals with relationship issues (I'm a crisis counselor), this is the case, and it's unfortunate, because everyone deserves to be loved and be well taken care of, both as children and as adults. At the very least, if this is the case for you, you can at least begin to get some idea of where these patterns come from. Learn about healthy boundaries and good communication. Learn what lines you want to draw in your relationships (romantic and otherwise), and take your time gradually drawing them and building them stronger day by day. It takes practice and it won't happen over night; but the more you learn about yourself and what you need and want in relationships, the more you will be able to stick by those needs and wants. :)
I hope this was helpful, and I wish you the best of luck in your relationships.
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I understand where you're coming from with this, but actually, my parents are the ideal for the perfect relationship. 35 years, and they're more in love now then when they first got married. I guess I've been striving for that perfection, and coming up short every time. Maybe I need to lower my standards?
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Vitamin Kitten
Symptomatic luv addict
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03-09-2010, 08:46 PM
Like I said, there are times when people don't fit into that box -- I was just going from experience. It's great that your parents have an ideal relationship. Have you ever talked with them about your own relationship? They may be able to offer some wisdom about what makes theirs so strong.
Regardless of the model you have to go on, though, healthy boundaries and good communication are still very important, and can even be hard to achieve when we know what they look like. As for lowering your standards: never feel that you should have to lower your standards for the sake of companionship. That will only allow room for you to be taken advantage of, which is what you're trying to avoid.
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Space Cowgirl
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03-09-2010, 11:07 PM
True. I'm so tired of being taken advantage of, it'd be really nice for once to be treated like I'm actually wanted around, and worth more than just what my body can offer.
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Vitamin Kitten
Symptomatic luv addict
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03-09-2010, 11:28 PM
And you deserve no less. Working on boundaries and communication will help with that. It's not an overnight thing and it takes practice to learn where to draw lines and then feel okay about where you drew them and stand by them, but once you begin to feel committed to those boundaries, your confidence in your worth and value as a person will grow, because you are no longer allowing people to cross into territory they have no right to cross into. As your confidence grows, you'll find you attract people who respect that confidence and will respect your boundaries, and ultimately will respect you.
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Space Cowgirl
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03-10-2010, 01:25 AM
I'm just not certain what my boundries are, and communication is hard. I have trouble relating to most people, because of social anxiety. It sucks, and it makes communication hard. I don't know what it is about my brain, but I'm always jumping to conclusions and thinking that people are mad at me when they're not. It leaves me feeling disconnected and isolated, which in turn makes me really upset, to the point where I lash out when I shouldn't, and end up pushing people away.
Wow, I just realized that the people of Mene have sort of turned into my personal therepists ><
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Vitamin Kitten
Symptomatic luv addict
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03-10-2010, 04:22 AM
At the current moment, your boundaries might be all over the place. In order to decide where you want to place them, though, determine what you want from a relationship and how you want to be treated. It might even be helpful to write it down. Make a list of things you want in any relationship, or specify it to romantic relationships, or platonic relationships. Your list could include things like "I want to be able to speak my mind without being criticized" or "I want to be told when I do something well" or whatever it is that you want in a relationship. Anything that comes to mind, even if you feel you're reaching for the moon on some items. Knowing what you want out of a relationship and from the other person in that relationship is the first step to figuring out how to go about achieving those things. Once you've created that list, make a list to go along with it of "wills" and "won'ts" -- what you will allow to happen (and include how you will react in certain situations like "I will allow myself to be pleased in my accomplishments"), and what you will not tolerate (such as "I will not allow anyone to call me a name without them knowing that it upset me, and without obtaining a sincere apology and promise that it will not happen again" or "I will not give in to begging when I have already said 'no'"). You might feel as if you can't hold to some boundaries right away, but start with baby steps and build one at a time. If you're determined and committed, you will accomplish those healthy boundaries.
As for social anxiety, that's better handled with, usually, a combination of anti-anxiety medications and learning coping skills to deal with triggers for anxiety. Because, "what it is with your brain" is that there's either a chemical imbalance, learned anxiety (it was easier/safer to retreat from social situations than face them in the past), or both.
Yes, I feel like I haven't turned off counselor mode from being at work. 8D I apologize if anything I say sounds patronizing or presumptuous; let me know if I've overstepped my bounds. ^^;
Last edited by Vitamin Kitten; 03-10-2010 at 04:24 AM..
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Space Cowgirl
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03-10-2010, 08:40 AM
Not at all, you've actually given me a lot of things to think about, and I'll probably start making those lists tonight, as soon as I sign off here. I like the idea of dividing it into romantic and platonic, then doing wills and won'ts with both... That's some of the best advice I've received in a long time.
As for getting treated for the social anxiety, I know I need to talk to someone... It's just really scary to put myself out there and admit that I need help. But I'm tired of being in this slump, so I'm going to start doing something about it.
Thank you for all of your wonderful advice... It really, truely did help.
Also, you might be interested to know that I grew a pair, and told that dude who's been making me feel shitty that it's over, and that I don't have time to play games with him. He seemed a little... disappointed, but whatever. I'm 22-years-old, and I don't have time to play games. I have an idea of what I want, and I don't think I should have to settle for any less.
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Vitamin Kitten
Symptomatic luv addict
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03-10-2010, 05:30 PM
I'm glad my advice was helpful to you. :) Creating a list of things you want is such a basic thing, and yet it's often overlooked by, well, everyone. We strive so hard to achieve something and find that we keep failing at it, because we never determined what it was we wanted in the first place -- we only knew we were supposed to work hard and get "something" out of it. Writing down what you want will make it clearer to you just what that "something" is supposed to look like for you.
The catch 22 with social anxiety is that it is best to talk to a professional about it, but if often requires a person to put themselves in a social situation, which is what causes the anxiety to begin with. 8D Taking that first step though is probably one of the hardest and best parts of learning to overcome it. :)
I'm glad that you told the guy it was over. It's the first part to drawing clear boundaries. :D Saying you will not accept his crap any longer, severing the tie, and moving on (though, admittedly, depending on your relationship with him, the moving on part might take a little longer). He can kick and scream and whine and cry all he wants, but you've got your life to live, and if living your life means you get to be in relationships where you are valued, he's just gonna have to deal with it. ^-^
I wish you the best of luck with those lists and working on the things you've set for yourself. :)
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