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Seer of the Past
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#1
Old 04-02-2010, 05:10 AM

So this is my first poem and I want to know what people think.

You broke my heart
every little part
I don't know why
I always cry
You cause me stress
and I am a mess
I don't know what to do
because I can't have you
I want to:
hold you
kiss you
love you
I wish I could
and I should
But you don't feel the same way
so I stay away
hoping it will be okay
someday.

musikfreakx
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#2
Old 04-03-2010, 12:51 AM

this is really good, especially for a first. there was a good flow, and a great rhyme scheme. however, i would recommend trying different types of poems for your next ones. many people stick with the common simple poem, but there are so many types. take shakespeare's sonnets (famous quote from one 'shall i compare thee to a summer's day'). amazing. anyways, here is an example of a sonnet (14 lines, 3 stanzas of four with an abab rhyme scheme and 10 syllables each, then the last two lines are 10 syll. with a rhyme scheme of gg)
here's an example of a sonnet i wrote:

In life we go through a thing known as love
Though the only thing we will find is pain
We search for a thing we know nothing of
Though we know all our attempts are in vain

Try as we might we will not win this game
But we continue to search with a strife
In the end, only ourselves can we blame
When our hearts are torn open by a knife

But maybe there is something we will find
Something unattainable by the most
Which will leave all the pain we knew behind
In the back of our heads like a ghost

Maybe one day we will find this thing
And our hearts for once can finally sing



-note, sonnets have a theme (love, friendship, loss, etc.). if you dont know what rhyme scheme is, it is basically just marking what lines rhyme. your poem from above showed aabb rhyme scheme because the first two had end rhyme, then the next two with a different rhyme, etc. a couplet is two lines that rhyme(: sorry if any confusion.

Seer of the Past
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#3
Old 04-03-2010, 01:37 AM

no it is fine. I am open to new types of poems.

musikfreakx
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#4
Old 04-03-2010, 09:04 PM

that's good. poets aren't meant to be closed minded(:

piptik
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#5
Old 04-03-2010, 11:19 PM

It's rhythm is easy to follow, and the words are well chosen ^^ Since there's a lot of broken heart poems out there, it's hard to differentiate yours from others, but counting that this was your first poem, I think you did wonderfully ^^ I'm glad I read it; keep up the good work!

XxKatyKISSKILLxX
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#6
Old 04-05-2010, 11:27 PM

Good for your first poem! As musikfreakx said, though, I kind of wish you used a different sort of rhyme scheme. You could also give your lines varying lengths, as this makes a poem more interesting and can even help it to flow better. It was good, though! :)

bethanynel813
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#7
Old 04-06-2010, 12:41 PM

its a great peom, but there seems to be a problem with the flowing. I think you might want to focus less on the rhyming and more on the words. I am exactly like that. :P

GoOd JoB

 



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