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Lightning_Serah
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#1
Old 05-04-2010, 03:30 AM

Crystal clear,
Smooth and all,
Is that why we are beginning to fall?

From the start,
to the end,
Was our relationship just an old trend?

That is what I question,
Each day of my life,
My back has been stabbed with a million knives.

But no, you said you'd never do this,
And like a fool, I believed,
I question why I'm so intrigued.

The glass has shattered,
All is broken,
Our friendship could have been the shiny token.


I'm over it now,
But you are not,
Because you know you were caught.

Now you live your life in jail,
When I am on T.V.
Oh, but this is no surprise to me.

You are dead now,
But I live a healthy life,
I am slowly but surely removing the knife

Crystal clear,
Smooth and all,
Is that why we are beginning to fall?

One of my first ones. Feel free to critic.

Ode
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#2
Old 05-08-2010, 04:16 AM

Have to say, for 16 and starting to write poetry? Brilliant. I wrote the same way when I was 16. Now I'm off to get my MFA in Poetry! If you want to really work on your poetry, I suggest the following:

1. Don't align in the center. It's a bad habit with new writers, and it's a trademark of all bad poetry. Unless the poem necessitates that specific form (like concrete poetry), don't center!
2. Contemporary poets have tossed rhyming. Read some contemporary poets and see. Not that everyone should do the same thing, but people often use rhymes as a clutch. If your poem is strong enough, it won't need the support of rhymes to "fancy it up." Don't be afraid to write free verse! If you love to rhyme, why not go with a more solid form, and make your lines evenly syllabic? (you'll find it's a lot easier to read 3 syllables, 5 syllables, 10 syllables per line--when they're even. Free verse allows you to put the emphasis where YOU want it, but with rhymes as a crutch, you kind of have to go where they direct, which isn't a bad thing necessarily, especially if you like older poetry and want to study its form.
3. Get less cryptic and cliche (see my note about cliches below). What's a cliche? Anything that you KNOW you've definitely heard before. Ever heard "she's a backstabber" or "I just got stabbed in the back?"--of course you have. It's overdone. It's good in pop songs and cheap poetry to get people to understand the meaning in a second--which, of course, means that afterward its completely disposable. There's no extra thinking involved. Think to yourself, what does "I am slowly but surely"--another cliched phrase--"removing the knife" really mean? What does it mean to get hurt that badly, that emotions could get to that level where it seems like you're bleeding from betrayal? Instead of old images, create NEW ones that will make someone read the line again and think "wow, I never thought of it like that before.
4. Say it aloud. Read it aloud several times, until you're sick of it. You'll either see something you want to fix, or you won't. If you don't, put the poem away for a while, for a night, two nights, three. It will come to you--you'll instantly know what to do, and it will be great. But you've got to read the work aloud.
5. Condense, condense, condense. Can you say in three words what you said in eight before? DO IT! You'll be surprised how much it lets a poem BREATHE.

Why I think you have promise:

Your work is cliche (no insult--I still put tons of cliches in my work unintentionally. A cliche in a poem is like a weed in a beautiful garden, you just have to keep pulling up the weeds and planting flowers in its place!), but it has a ton of emotion. And unlike some other poets and poems, the meaning isn't cloudy or misty or trying to follow anyone's example--the emotion is very straight-forward. And you need that kind of honesty to get to the reader and make them pay attention and listen. Just make sure you keep your form and cliches in check. Cliches are fine in everyday speech (I just used one in my last sentence...) but they have no place in poetry and literature, where one tries to bring new ideas to the foreground, not just cut and paste old ones.


I wish you luck in your editing--I'd love to see and help ya (if you want my help, of course!) on a newer version when you come to one.

Last edited by Ode; 05-08-2010 at 04:40 AM..

Lightning_Serah
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#3
Old 05-08-2010, 04:24 AM

Thank you so much for the advice. I will write a new one when I get the chance. Thanks again. ^^

Ode
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#4
Old 05-08-2010, 04:42 AM

And then, be sure to post it! Seriously, I hope you're thinking about doing something creative in life. You're using the right side of your brain for the job!

Lightning_Serah
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#5
Old 05-08-2010, 04:45 AM

Hehe. Thanks. I'll most likely go to you for some help on the new one I'll write soon. ^^

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#6
Old 05-08-2010, 10:32 AM

Well, let me tell you:
My path ain't been so straight.
I've fought pebbles that cause me to stumble,
And mountains that caused me to trip.
There has been times,
Where I sat down,
And didn't want to get back up,
But did I have a choice?
Each time I move on,
I fall flat.
Oh, but this is just the beginning of the never-ending race,
So I better pack my bandages,
And alot of them at that.
For now I'm just a normal person,
Until I stand out,
Until I make a difference,
Until I get in the lead,
Of the never ending race.


My latest poem. How was it? To cliche? Bad? Good? Please critic, I wanna know how to make my poems better. ^^ By the way, I don't use the word ain't or any slang like that. I just thought it would fit the poem.

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#7
Old 05-08-2010, 10:33 AM

I posted my newest one. Please check it out, and tell me if you like it. It is called "Never-ending Race."

Ode
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#8
Old 05-08-2010, 10:17 PM

The slang works, it seems like you're considering voice. It's absolutely fine to take on a different character/voice in your poems (called persona poems). I once wrote one about a homeless woman in New York...which was tough for me because it's hard to get in those shoes, but once you do, it's really freeing. So, consider who this voice is, what "their story" is. Btw, a little confused at what "the never ending race" is. Reminds me of the term "rat race," where people just go through the motions of life until they die. But your race is never ending--why?

(Since this is a short piece I can go through it line by line)

What I've been working on lately in my work is seriously considering the first line. A professor told me sometimes the first line(s) of a new poem is expendable, because it allows you, the writer, to start off your work and get into the poem easily, which is good. Though sometimes it needs to be cut off. We already know the character is "telling us" something, so the first line can be cut. "My path ain't been so straight," works great as an opener--much more powerful, draws the reader in. The line's a bit cliche, but sometimes you can skew the cliches so they work for you, which this one might do.

You're working a lot with direction in this poem. I like the idea of a race, but you've GOT to work with it. Use the language of a race. Say "run," "pace myself," "breathe," maybe even "jump," "maneuver," etc. Tell the STORY of the person in the race, let us--the readers--see the race, don't have your character "telling" us--show us instead! But the idea of the path not being straight doesn't come through in the rest of the poem--show us the geography of the race, is it cut through hills and cities, all types of terrain and weather? Was it a straight race but she/he had to detour in order to make it to the finish? Let the reader know.

I love the line "I've fought pebbles that cause me to stumble." It's probably your strongest here. First and foremost, though, keep your verb tense the same. "I've fought pebbles that caused me to stumble" is this is in the past tense, like the line after it where you used cause in the past tense. It doesn't matter, past, present, future, just keep the tenses the same. But I like this line because, to me, as a reader, it almost has a biblical quality (like Christ's path that he takes to get crucified, and later in the poem it suggests that the narrator falls down (don't say "falls flat," not the right connotation), like Christ did. Not sure if this was intentional, but you could play up that as well. Also the idea that pebbles, something so small, can cause someone to stumble. I don't see this character as weak at all, just someone who has been through so much that even a pebble can bring her/him down.

"And mountains that caused me to trip" is a less successful line in my opinion. Of course a mountain would cause someone to trip--not just for your narrator. I like the idea, though, of going from something small to something large. Maybe something else--like bright clear skies that instead of giving comfort and clarity are instead blinding with sun? Or some other large, innocuous thing that turns out to be a hindrance to the narrator on her/his race.

Quote:
There has been times,
Where I sat down,
And didn't want to get back up,
But did I have a choice?
Get rid of the rhetorical question at the end. Your tense also isn't quite right, it should read "There HAVE been times, / When I'VE say down..." but that's a real easy fix. I love these lines, but I'm left wanting more--I want a moment when she/he hasn't been able to pull him/herself up that easily, times when she had to sit down. Maybe a quick line, like "There have been times / like when the river overflowed / and I was left stranded / when I sat down / and didn't want to get back up."

In general, however, to REALLY make this story shine, you want your wonderful metaphor of the race and all its ups and downs to be tethered to some kind of reality. What is it about this person IN REAL LIFE that makes her life so hard? Obviously she is not really running a neverending race. If the race is a metaphor for her life, that's wonderful, but let us get glimpses of her life. Maybe if you had a specific character in mind, you can gear the poem to that character. For instance, a woman from New Orleans after the flood: "There have been times, / like when the levees broke / and my world twisted out to the sea, / that I've wanted to sit down and rest / and never get back up." ("twisted out" or likewise words will help the image of this person's path not being straight.) Or, a girl with hardships in her life--"There have been times, / like when she cried out for me / and I couldn't help her because I was scared, / that I've wanted / to sit down and give up." Obviously this one is a bit ambiguous, but pick your character, pick their story, and see where it takes you!

Quote:
Each time I move on,
I fall flat.
Again, kill the "I fall flat." It's just not doing the poem justice, and it's the most cliche line here. You can still keep "each time I move on," and just the words "I fall," if you want, but put another image or moment in there, like say "each time I move on / I drag another cross onto my back / and sometimes I can't help but fall down." You don't have to use ANY of these suggestions, especially because I found the subtle Jesus imagery interesting and wanted to play up that idea of "carrying the burden on one's back." (Btw, this is a good way of changing a cliche--"carrying the burden" into a usable image--just think what it means to be "carrying a burden," who else has done the same, people, times when you've done so, etc, and write it!)

Quote:
Oh, but this is just the beginning of the never-ending race,
Slightly tweak: Get rid of "oh," too dreamy for your tougher voice. "But this is just the start of the race." I've made a mention below what I think about the title in this piece and using that term. You can use "beginning" too, I was just showing that you can change things around and still keep the same core ideas. "Start" works better than "beginning" to me because I look at sonic (sound) devices, and "start" mirrors the sounds in "race." But don't concern yourself with that for a while (unless you want to take this on too!) Again, reading things out loud REALLY helps! I feel like you were listening more to your poem in this piece than your previous work--getting better! (Btw don't give up on the first poem--hopefully you are working on it still, or letting it sit aside for a while while you think about it, it was really a wonderful start too).

Quote:
So I better pack my bandages,
And alot of them at that.
No. I like the idea of bandages, why not add other items of healing and make a small list? "So I'd better pack my bandages, / antiseptic too." Saying "a lot of them" really doesn't add anything. We get that she/he will need a lot of bandages--this journey sounds perilous! Your images will speak louder than your explanations in the poem, so you won't have to say things like "a lot of them at that" or "let me tell you."

Quote:
For now I'm just a normal person,
Until I stand out,
Until I make a difference,
Until I get in the lead,
Of the never ending race.
What does it mean to be a "normal person"? Again, if you add in the person's story, maybe we can see what you mean. Though I'm not sure this "normal person" is so normal--again, the journey sounds MUCH harder than the race everyone else is running. Or perhaps mention that everyone is in the same boat? I absolutely love the "until"s. They are so strong in this peice. However, what you say AFTER the until's are not as cohesive. "Stand out" doesn't work for me, it seems like the goal of this person is just to finish with whatever they have left, not to make a scene. "Make a difference" is also a pretty vague idea. What are they "making a difference" about? Maybe more of "until I change my life," although that's a bit watered down and weak, is a good starting place for the kind of idea you want in the end. "Until I get in the lead" does work, but it needs some support--maybe mention earlier that this person is competetive? Again the only struggle I see he/she in is a struggle with themselves and their own personal demons--not with the others in the race. If you want to show the other people in the race at this time, mention them earlier in the poem as well, how they're passing her by and she wishes she could get there too, or something. Something to clue us in that she's not just running for her life, but that she runs to win the race.

If you make the last three lines with stronger images and ideas, then you can cut the last line, since you've mentioned the race several times. Why not leave the reader with one of those "until" ideas? Again, it is up to you which "direction" you will go!


Overall, I love how the poem is short n' powerful - nice repetition of the "Until"s at the end really draws the reader in to the ultimate line. The form is short. This can be good or bad. I'd have you change the title just to "The Race." "Neverending" makes it seem not just that there is no concept of time, but makes me want to read MORE, like the poem should go on for at least a page, know what I mean? I would really suggest just making it "the race." For some reason too, the word "neverending" reminds me of that children's movie, haha. So, not sure if you want that or not.

Excellent promise. This one is very strong, has lots of voice. You only need to work on the language--adding a bit more of the words that evoke (show/make known) the race, and the narrative of the poem (otherwise known as the story). Why is this person's journey not so straight? Why so many problems? Clue us in to little bits of their lives, and then let the metaphors carry the rest.

The metaphor itself is a bit cliched, "the race of life," however, it is not a bad place to start. If you muscle up this poem a bit, give it a bit more strength, the core idea--your metaphor--will really come alive.

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#9
Old 05-09-2010, 12:47 AM

Hi Serah. :D

Just to let you know, we only allow one thread per user in the poetry forum. I'm going to merge your threads together so that you can keep all of your poetry in one spot. :D

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

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#10
Old 05-09-2010, 07:31 PM

lightning_serah I love your poetry it is like telling a story through music to me. Great job.

 


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