The slang works, it seems like you're considering voice. It's absolutely fine to take on a different character/voice in your poems (called persona poems). I once wrote one about a homeless woman in New York...which was tough for me because it's hard to get in those shoes, but once you do, it's really freeing. So, consider who this voice is, what "their story" is. Btw, a little confused at what "the never ending race" is. Reminds me of the term "rat race," where people just go through the motions of life until they die. But your race is never ending--why?
(Since this is a short piece I can go through it line by line)
What I've been working on lately in my work is seriously considering the first line. A professor told me sometimes the first line(s) of a new poem is expendable, because it allows you, the writer, to start off your work and get into the poem easily, which is good. Though sometimes it needs to be cut off. We already know the character is "telling us" something, so the first line can be cut. "My path ain't been so straight," works great as an opener--much more powerful, draws the reader in. The line's a bit cliche, but sometimes you can skew the cliches so they work for you, which this one might do.
You're working a lot with direction in this poem. I like the idea of a race, but you've GOT to work with it. Use the language of a race. Say "run," "pace myself," "breathe," maybe even "jump," "maneuver," etc. Tell the STORY of the person in the race, let us--the readers--see the race, don't have your character "telling" us--show us instead! But the idea of the path not being straight doesn't come through in the rest of the poem--show us the geography of the race, is it cut through hills and cities, all types of terrain and weather? Was it a straight race but she/he had to detour in order to make it to the finish? Let the reader know.
I love the line "I've fought pebbles that cause me to stumble." It's probably your strongest here. First and foremost, though, keep your verb tense the same. "I've fought pebbles that caused me to stumble" is this is in the past tense, like the line after it where you used cause in the past tense. It doesn't matter, past, present, future, just keep the tenses the same. But I like this line because, to me, as a reader, it almost has a biblical quality (like Christ's path that he takes to get crucified, and later in the poem it suggests that the narrator falls down (don't say "falls flat," not the right connotation), like Christ did. Not sure if this was intentional, but you could play up that as well. Also the idea that pebbles, something so small, can cause someone to stumble. I don't see this character as weak at all, just someone who has been through so much that even a pebble can bring her/him down.
"And mountains that caused me to trip" is a less successful line in my opinion. Of course a mountain would cause someone to trip--not just for your narrator. I like the idea, though, of going from something small to something large. Maybe something else--like bright clear skies that instead of giving comfort and clarity are instead blinding with sun? Or some other large, innocuous thing that turns out to be a hindrance to the narrator on her/his race.
Quote:
There has been times,
Where I sat down,
And didn't want to get back up,
But did I have a choice?
|
Get rid of the rhetorical question at the end. Your tense also isn't quite right, it should read "There HAVE been times, / When I'VE say down..." but that's a real easy fix. I love these lines, but I'm left wanting more--I want a moment when she/he hasn't been able to pull him/herself up that easily, times when she had to sit down. Maybe a quick line, like "There have been times / like when the river overflowed / and I was left stranded / when I sat down / and didn't want to get back up."
In general, however, to REALLY make this story shine, you want your wonderful metaphor of the race and all its ups and downs to be tethered to some kind of reality. What is it about this person IN REAL LIFE that makes her life so hard? Obviously she is not really running a neverending race. If the race is a metaphor for her life, that's wonderful, but let us get glimpses of her life. Maybe if you had a specific character in mind, you can gear the poem to that character. For instance, a woman from New Orleans after the flood: "There have been times, / like when the levees broke / and my world twisted out to the sea, / that I've wanted to sit down and rest / and never get back up." ("twisted out" or likewise words will help the image of this person's path not being straight.) Or, a girl with hardships in her life--"There have been times, / like when she cried out for me / and I couldn't help her because I was scared, / that I've wanted / to sit down and give up." Obviously this one is a bit ambiguous, but pick your character, pick their story, and see where it takes you!
Quote:
Each time I move on,
I fall flat.
|
Again, kill the "I fall flat." It's just not doing the poem justice, and it's the most cliche line here. You can still keep "each time I move on," and just the words "I fall," if you want, but put another image or moment in there, like say "each time I move on / I drag another cross onto my back / and sometimes I can't help but fall down." You don't have to use ANY of these suggestions, especially because I found the subtle Jesus imagery interesting and wanted to play up that idea of "carrying the burden on one's back." (Btw, this is a good way of changing a cliche--"carrying the burden" into a usable image--just think what it means to be "carrying a burden," who else has done the same, people, times when you've done so, etc, and write it!)
Quote:
|
Oh, but this is just the beginning of the never-ending race,
|
Slightly tweak: Get rid of "oh," too dreamy for your tougher voice. "But this is just the start of the race." I've made a mention below what I think about the title in this piece and using that term. You can use "beginning" too, I was just showing that you can change things around and still keep the same core ideas. "Start" works better than "beginning" to me because I look at sonic (sound) devices, and "start" mirrors the sounds in "race." But don't concern yourself with that for a while (unless you want to take this on too!) Again, reading things out loud REALLY helps! I feel like you were listening more to your poem in this piece than your previous work--getting better! (Btw don't give up on the first poem--hopefully you are working on it still, or letting it sit aside for a while while you think about it, it was really a wonderful start too).
Quote:
So I better pack my bandages,
And alot of them at that.
|
No. I like the idea of bandages, why not add other items of healing and make a small list? "So I'd better pack my bandages, / antiseptic too." Saying "a lot of them" really doesn't add anything. We get that she/he will need a lot of bandages--this journey sounds perilous! Your images will speak louder than your explanations in the poem, so you won't have to say things like "a lot of them at that" or "let me tell you."
Quote:
For now I'm just a normal person,
Until I stand out,
Until I make a difference,
Until I get in the lead,
Of the never ending race.
|
What does it mean to be a "normal person"? Again, if you add in the person's story, maybe we can see what you mean. Though I'm not sure this "normal person" is so normal--again, the journey sounds MUCH harder than the race everyone else is running. Or perhaps mention that everyone is in the same boat? I absolutely love the "until"s. They are so strong in this peice. However, what you say AFTER the until's are not as cohesive. "Stand out" doesn't work for me, it seems like the goal of this person is just to finish with whatever they have left, not to make a scene. "Make a difference" is also a pretty vague idea. What are they "making a difference" about? Maybe more of "until I change my life," although that's a bit watered down and weak, is a good starting place for the kind of idea you want in the end. "Until I get in the lead" does work, but it needs some support--maybe mention earlier that this person is competetive? Again the only struggle I see he/she in is a struggle with themselves and their own personal demons--not with the others in the race. If you want to show the other people in the race at this time, mention them earlier in the poem as well, how they're passing her by and she wishes she could get there too, or something. Something to clue us in that she's not just running for her life, but that she runs to win the race.
If you make the last three lines with stronger images and ideas, then you can cut the last line, since you've mentioned the race several times. Why not leave the reader with one of those "until" ideas? Again, it is up to you which "direction" you will go!
Overall, I love how the poem is short n' powerful - nice repetition of the "Until"s at the end really draws the reader in to the ultimate line. The form is short. This can be good or bad. I'd have you change the title just to "The Race." "Neverending" makes it seem not just that there is no concept of time, but makes me want to read MORE, like the poem should go on for at least a page, know what I mean? I would really suggest just making it "the race." For some reason too, the word "neverending" reminds me of that children's movie, haha. So, not sure if you want that or not.
Excellent promise. This one is very strong, has lots of voice. You only need to work on the language--adding a bit more of the words that evoke (show/make known) the race, and the narrative of the poem (otherwise known as the story). Why is this person's journey not so straight? Why so many problems? Clue us in to little bits of their lives, and then let the metaphors carry the rest.
The metaphor itself is a bit cliched, "the race of life," however, it is not a bad place to start. If you muscle up this poem a bit, give it a bit more strength, the core idea--your metaphor--will really come alive.