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GraciexGibsonx22
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#1
Old 06-08-2010, 10:00 PM

I offer you the rose to my life
The blood of my tears fall into your heart
I offer you my blood oh powerful master
I am yours my Vampire Lord
My heart belongs to you take all that I am
You have me bound by your intoxicating sent.


My eyes glaze over as the blood starts to fall
you had me in your grasp
but you let me go
now my lord you must know
my heart belongs to someone else
and he holds me close to his heart
I will not turn him
Because it would hurt me
My heart is his and His is Mine

Ode
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#2
Old 06-09-2010, 03:22 PM

Decent, cute little poem. I personally don't really have much to say about it because I don't see you making any metaphor out of the "Vampire Lord." And so the idea of the Vampire Lord itself doesn't do anything for me. It also strikes me as very Twilighty. Were you inspired by the series? I also don't really understand what's going on in the poem...a woman loves a vampire, and then is turned into a vampire, but then says she loves someone else but won't turn them...? Am I getting this right?

If you wanted to make the poem better, I would suggest finding out what a romantic relationship between a mortal and an immortal bloodsucker is like. How would you feel in the same situation? It's also an interesting idea your working with (if I'm getting this right) that the WOMAN is a vampire and won't turn her lover (who is MALE). Male vampires I feel like I've seen a lot of, but women vampires, not so much. And this one has a story. You could work with that. But I feel this poem would benefit from a lot more elaboration and clarification. Good luck!

 


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