I'm a mess. I feel so lost at the moment. Prepare yourself for one long topic. If it's too much trouble to read it all then please don't respond. It won't help me any further.

I'm in university and my year has just ended. It has been a terrible year for me and it's a long story to explain. My boyfriend and I met at our final year of high school. It was at the end ball where we got together. We had a crush on each other for a long time, but were both too shy.
He was going to study abroad and I stayed. For a year it was a long distance relationship. But I was able to visit him as often as I could. We saw each other maybe twice a month and called every day. We were so much in love, but I missed him too. I couldn't stand to be without him.
And so, I moved to where he was and started studying there. He, however, switched to a university in another town about an hour away. He wasn't happy were he was first and feels more in place now.
I wasn't too happy, but in a way it was good because it kept some distance.
But it was tough and my university. I had to work extra hard, more than I'd usually do and still get only average grades, unlike what I am used to. My teachers always told me I was smart enough for it, but I had difficulty adapting to the system. At the same time I had to partially provide my own income. I did have a scholarship, but it was not enough to cover all like food. So I work at a catering service at the side.
I lived in a dormitory with 12 other people. My room was terribly lonesome and I just couldn't make myself feel at home there. So most of the time I lived at his place, a private room just big enough for two but in once big room. In there the only thing that was really mine was a drawer in one of his closets. I did feel more at home there though, but rarely had any privacy.

In the meantime we had several unsuccessful attempts to have sex. As it later turned out I had vaginismus, for which I'm starting therapy now.
In December one big bomb dropped. My boyfriend has gone out partying with his friends and gotten himself drunk and made out with another girl. I forgave him, because he at least told me the truth but somewhere deep down I still feel a grudge for it.I can say with certainty that after that out relationship went downhill. My trust was crushed and he gradually became more unattractive to me.
We went out very little mostly because he never had enough money. He spend most of it on his CD collection and concerts. I am usually the one paying (either entirely or we split bills) and the one suggesting we should do something.
I can count the gifts I received from him over the course of two years on one hand. If he bought me something it was some candy I didn't want to eat because I was on a diet. Not like gifts are so important to me, but telling me he loved me just seemed empty words because he didn't do much to show me.

Furthermore his grades were poor. He studies languages, two which are his native. You can say that he was a bit of a loser with no backbone.
We have had many talks after that. On how to fix our relationship. He always knows just the right things to say. He promised me already twice that he'd change. But I never see it. At the most he keeps it up for a week or so. We had a talk again and he promised me again that he'd change and that everything would be better next school year. When we're both in separate places we'd value each others company more. There is some truth in there.

I have struggled over so many things during this year. I worked hard for my salary, I worked hard for my grades and passed my year, I worked hard to get the best I could out of my relationship with him.
I feel, that all the efforts put in have only been my initiative. I feel neglected and undervalued. Yes he does tell me he loves me, sometimes too often to my liking. He always tell me how I am his dream woman and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
I do share his dream. I love to picture myself graduated and living with him with children. I know he'd be a great father.
I just don't know how I'll manage through those years in between.

Additional I have developed strong feelings for a coworker at the catering company. We don't see each other very often, but when I do I notice I am shining. I smile so often, I'm so cheerful and love talking to him (and everyone else). Always when he's there work has been so pleasant to do.
But he has a girlfriend. I don't know how long they are together. I vaguely remember him telling me when we first met, and before I had feelings for him, that he didn't have anyone.

I have summer holidays now and we're on a break. I have finally found a small apartment where I feel home and where everything is mine (I moved out everything all by myself without a car, because my guy couldn't help me out. He had gone to a rockfestival and didn't have any money left for a train ticket).
My next year will be more easy regarding classes and will put less stress on me.
But there's still the promise my boyfriend made. That next year our relationship will be better. That then my therapy will pay off and we can take it into the next level. That he will get a job and be more independent. That I'd be able to rely on him for more things and not only carrying my groceries etc.

But I'm tired of all this. I don't have the feeling he is going to make up what he's been promising. Already him getting a job he makes it sound like a horribly difficult thing.
On top of that I can't picture ever having sex with him. When I look at him I don't feel what I used to feel. I dislike kissing him and getting kissed by him. I feel like everything we had has died out completely and the only thing that's left are happy memories of our blossoming love. We live in the past and in the future, but not in the present.

On the other hand, I make him sound like such a bad person while he still has great qualities. He is funny, we laugh easily together. He is gentle and patient with me. He has never gotten real angry with me. There are no awkward silences and we can casually talk about anything without having to think of something we should talk about. But in another way I feel like he has grown to be more a friend or a brother rather than a lover.

A few days ago he called me after he got back from his holiday. He told me he had finally realized what he has been doing wrong all this time and that he feels that he has changed. That he has made so many plans for next year to make it up to me and get the fire back in our relationship. He still has exams to retake and he asked me whether I'd be at his side. Otherwise he wouldn't be able to do it.
I said yes, because I didn't have the heart to say I was doubting and I know stressing him out will only affect his grades and then he'd get in trouble. The way he relies on me like that is starting to suffocate me. When he does that I feel so trapped. Are all guys like this? I hope not.

I don't know whether I want to go on with this. I don't know whether I have already given him enough chances to make it up with me. I don't know whether I've already made enough sacrifices and that it's his turn now. I don't know if he's worth giving another chance. I don't know if I should. Should I?

I'm terribly sorry for this long and chaotic message. Thank you for getting this far though.
This is pretty much how it goes on in my head. Chaotic, confusion, sadness, anger and heartbreak.

Please save me before I drown.

Hi. What a story. But I was up for reading stuff in life issues, dunno why, I have these moments.

I can't picture ever having sex with him. When I look at him I don't feel what I used to feel. I dislike kissing him and getting kissed by him. I feel like everything we had has died out completely and the only thing that's left are happy memories of our blossoming love. We live in the past and in the future, but not in the present.

THIS part right here, tells me already that you are not destined for eachother. If you already feel like this, then don't
try to fix this relationship. If you still have fun together, then do so. Stay friends if this is possable.
I speak atm from experience. I had a relationship for 5 years and I had the same idea as in the quote.
If he's more like a friend or brother to you, please don't waste energy if you feel like that, it's not worth it.
Go out and meet new people.

Originally Posted by Elwing

Hi. What a story. But I was up for reading stuff in life issues, dunno why, I have these moments.


THIS part right here, tells me already that you are not destined for eachother. If you already feel like this, then don't
try to fix this relationship. If you still have fun together, then do so. Stay friends if this is possable.
I speak atm from experience. I had a relationship for 5 years and I had the same idea as in the quote.
If he's more like a friend or brother to you, please don't waste energy if you feel like that, it's not worth it.
Go out and meet new people.

Well I'm glad you had your little spree. To me, it always helps more to hear the experience of other people than someone just stating his or her opinion.
5 years is much longer than my just 2 years.

During the break, which is already a month, I did realize that even if I were to give him that last chance it probably wouldn't only drag the moment of execution.
I feel like my heart has already left him.

If you feel that, then don't go on, no mather how much he says that he loves you.
I was fooling myself into trying, the last year of my relationship, and you should not
do the same. If you are as young as your profile says, you have enough good years
ahead of you, don't waste it on a relationship that has already bleeded to death.