Quote:
Originally Posted by Zephi
I just don't want to lose what it's brought. Love. Companionship. Understanding. A possible partner *sigh*
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Here's the thing.
You love him? He loves you?
Your description of how he deals with your work obligations sounds like he's not at all selfish. He knows that you're going through a divorce... and depending on what your previous marriage contained (kids? vitriol?) there will be a lot to work through. If he's someone you should be with, he will be there and still in love with you at the end of that process. He'll give you the time you need.
You won't lose him if you don't marry him right away. No one, no good person, would ever give an ultimatum like that considering the circumstances.
I would say slow down. Build the relationship first, and build yourself.
You can live together so that you don't have to lose your time with him,
but either way establish enough space for yourself that you don't build your new identity around only him. After years of being with someone, it feels so safe to have a 'someone,' and be part of a duo-- but it's necessary that you recover your identity a little bit. Otherwise, you risk attaching all of your needs, happiness, and self-esteem to another person. That's dangerous. Really, really dangerous.
Get a feel for the relationship and take it slow. Learn what your struggles are together and be better able to work through them as a couple (because no matter how perfect you guys are together, communication is never completely perfect). And learn how to work through some of what you need to work through by yourself. You
will have scars from losing your ex-husband. It was a serious relationship. You might float along feeling fine for a few months and then realize there was even more left over to deal with than you expected-- habits and worries you didn't know you had.
There's another caveat emptor: building a new relationship on the heels of a failed longterm relationship carries so many risks. You can't unload all of your troubles on your new person. That can scuttle a relationship. Moreover, you really don't ever want your new beau comparing himself to your last one. Love is beautiful when it contains only love-- not riddled with the concerns and troubles left from what you just went through.
He can support you and he should, but be careful not to make him your primary support in dealing with the issues of your old marriage. You don't want to give him complexes and fears. Make sure you have another outlet. Possibly counseling for a little while or something, just to make sure that you're doing okay and you've made peace with what you need to. It will also help recognize if you've got reflexive defense mechanisms now that you shouldn't be carrying to a new relationship.
:hug:
I know this is a lot of babble. I hope it helps. I've never been married, but I ended a long-long-term relationship with a woman who I fell for in high school and thought I would marry. Everything got very toxic even though we both loved each other. I made the mistake of letting another person into my life a few months later... and while I adore that person, there are a lot of pitfalls and things I should have done differently. I wish someone had been there to advise me.
If you have friends who have ever been through experiences similar to yours, I recommend asking them.
Final thing. This is cliched but: aaaaaah, communication. Try to be as clear with him as you can! Be wary, lady, be wary.