I think I understand what you guys are saying. I do have someone who's been with me every step of this painful journey of mine. He's been very patient with me, but I still get into this really bad depressions that drive me to be destructive. I'm glad I'm not the only one that finds/found cutting to be addicting, pleasant even. It's just sometimes the pressure builds up in my body to a point where that seems to be the only way I can relieve it. Like a balloon with too much air, you know? And it's not that this is something new. I've always been alittle self-destructive because that seems to be the only way I could relieve the tension.

For a while, I had made up this drawing of this boy named Philip. Whenever I was upset, mad, or depressed, I'd draw another part of Philip, or around him or on him. I still have that picture and I look at how messed up it is and such, and it just...makes me realize how much anger and pain I've kept bottled. But this thing with my ex just kinda sent me over the edge. I could handle being rejected by friends I've known for years, mistreated by parents and so on...but this thing that happened to me...it's just really pushed me over. Even now, I'll wake up, thinking about him and I hate it. I've never been a patient woman, but lately, my fuse has been very short and I get irritated just by hearing certain words- it makes me turn rather..evil.

It's hard to believe that anyone would care to listen to what's going on inside my head, but I suppose I could give it a try. My current boyfriend always is willing to lend an ear and he has been very supportive of me. I know I gotta be more open to people, so that's what I'm going to work on.

That's good. I can't tell you that it will be easy and it sure as hell won't be instantaneous but the self-destructive urges and feelings will eventually lessen (They never fully go away). Little bye little things get better, it's mostly a matter of enduring, I've been where you are and it may take a long time but it will get better if you tough it out.

I know what you mean...it's been really hard- it is really hard. The guy I've got now is amazing...he is so patient with me, even when I snap at him. >< Thank you so much for all your encouragement. It's meant the world to me- I shall find the strength to move up and onward.

Glad to hear it, I don't know who you are or the first thing about you but in away your story is mine. I got better and I want you to get better too,

>< Aw, that actually brought a tear to my eye. Thank you...I know I will get better if I find more people as caring as you to surround myself with.

I'm actually not all that caring, I just empathize with people who have had my problems. I've found over the years that not giving up is the key to living. When I was in your place I felt like I was only surviving, the way a cancer patient trudges on even so they know doom is eminent, if you make it past that stage you can stop surviving and start actually living and enjoying life.

No a lot of people know that feeling but it's terrible and sometimes the waiting to get better is as bad as the cause of your depression.

I suppose....lol. I feel really homicidal rigth now. Knowing that someone I once called a friend is with my ex now, it's driving me insane. I want to hurt them both. I want to hurt me. It's just...I don't understand how someone who knows what happened, what I went through can just jump ship and get together with him. Maybe I'm just being completely selfish..

No, but the thing is that even when we tell people how we feel they can never fully understand what they themselves have not experienced. Your former friend may not be fully aware of what she is doing. To her such issues may seem trivial. When I went through my crisis most people brushed it off as though I was just an attention seeker. Although few people know I tried to slit my wrists. The fact of the matter is that it is inevitable that some people (even among your friends) will either not understand or ignore your feelings. Humans can be fickle but there are a few who can be trusted, you can talk to me anytime you like, either in this thread or by sending me a PM if you want an ear for your troubles.