PLEASE BE AWARE, THERE IS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE IN HERE, SO IF YOU WISH NOT TO READ IT, THEN THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO NAVIGATE TO MY THREAD, BUT AS TO NOT WANT TO OFFEND YOU, PLEASE HELP SOMEONE ELSE. THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING!

Recently, I've come to wonder a few things about myself. My insecurities, inability to trust anyone, paranoia, self loathing, lack of self confidence.
Out of everything, I've tried to figure out why I feel like that, and I went back to the earliest date possible. My Father was at this earliest point. There is not many a nice word that can be said about my Father, and it's sad to think that. But it's true.
When I was younger, and he was still with my Mother, It wasn't very homely?, I remember once playing with my little tea set, and because I'd not tidied it away as fast as he wanted me to, He'd stepped on them and smashed them to little pieces. Another incident being, I had just come in from playing outside, with my roller blades. I wasn't allowed to wear them in the house, so I crawled in (with them on), crawled up the stairs, and gone to go into my room to take them off. My Father had spotted me and before I could do anything, hed picked me up by the scruff of the neck and launched me across the landing. I had severe carpet burns up both my arms for two weeks. There is a whole catalogue of things he has done. He does have some nice points to him. Although sadly, I cannot remember these :/.
I was about 6-9 at these times.

Last year I got back into contact with my Father, to my astonishment I'd found out I had another baby sister. A beautiful russian sister called Irena. (Prior to this my mother warned me not to contact him because I would get hurt in the end) My Father told me about Irena and quick changed the subject to meeting up, since he didn't specify, and the previous conversation being about Irena, I had come to the conclusion he was referring to meeting Irena. This however was not the case, and he infact meant meeting him. When I replied "Wouldn't that be a little weird? and plus I can't afford the travel costs :P" (Irena was in Russia with her mother) Which from what I understood was a fair point. However, not knowing that he meant him. He gave me a load of gob about how he has been mistreated and that I should just "go away" and never speak to him again.
Since that conversation took place, needless to say I was upset, I later found out my older brother had been told by my Father, that he completely regretted getting into contact with me, and that he wished to never see or speak to me again. I was 20 at this time.
I am now 21.
During him leaving my mother and up until now, I've always thought that My Father hated me, loathed the site of me, and wished he'd never had me. He's told me various things such as "If you got anymore fat, I would have left your mum long ago", (I wore crop tops at ages 6-10) he told me that because I wore these and not proper underware (referring to bra's and the like) that I was a "little whore being allowed to run around like a slut" and that he (because I wouldnt move in with him) "Never wanted me in the first place".

Since then I've come to realise that 99% of my problems are because of these traumatic events. I don't trust anyone, I feel everyone hates me, I feel like I'm going to be alone. My logic being here, If the one person who is supposed to love me and cherish me along with my mother, doesnt even want me, then who else would? It's really difficult and very hard to explain, and this is just a very minute amount of things that have happened regarding me and my Father. :/ I want to see him, meet him and ask him why?what?when?where?and how? However I know I shouldn't. I don't have anyone who would come with me either.

Does anyone have any advice? :(

(I now suffer with GAD, and Depression issues, and have been unable to exit the house without someone being there with me. It is making life very difficult, I am learning to cope. My GP has even suggested councelling)

:(
I also grew up with a lot of issues between me and my dad. We never really resolved any of it, just kind of gave up.

Your teaset story actually reminds me of a time when I brought a plush snake to the dinner table. I was told to take it off the table because it would get dirty. When I didn't listen my dad grabbed it and took it to the kitchen, skinned it with the butcher knife, and threw it away.

There were a lot of incidences like that. And it's frustrating whenever I think about it.
How I learned to deal with it was I focused my frustration on just him. I don't blame anyone else, I just hate him for the terrible person he is.

I used to be super paranoid and insecure too. But then I realized that I couldn't control what he did or didn't do. Nobody is really trained to be a parent, and you can't pick your own parents either. There's nothing the ensures that a parent will love their child, or that a child has to love their parent. It wasn't my fault my dad was an awful parent. And just because he's awful, it doesn't mean that everyone else out there is awful as well. If you let your relationship with your father effect the rest of your relationships with people, the only person losing is you. When I realized that, I decided I wasn't going to give him the credit for ruining my life, or taking any part of it. If he wasn't going to support me as a human being, he didn't deserve to have any part in my life.

My philosophy I guess is just: to deal with selfish people you need to be selfish in return. If you want to ask him "why?what?when?where?and how?", make sure you're asking for yourself and your own closure. If he doesn't answer you, or tries to push you away it's not your fault, and it's not your lose.

You really have been through a lot it sounds like. I also think it's a good idea for you to get counseling. Seeking out a meeting with your dad might not give you the closure you're looking for.

Definitely get some counseling. You can't deal with all this by yourself; you need help. Maybe letting it out to someone who can help you will be the key to your recovery. I also think you should break all contact with your father, no offense, but it sounded like he abused you. A father shouldn't verbally and emotionally abuse their children. I'm sure you are a beautiful person and you need to stop worrying so much that others don't "want" you, because people do want to be around you. Just gotta find the right people or let them find you. You don't need to let these events effect who you are today. Get counseling and start over.

That sounds exactly like the relationship and past I've had with my father. I learned a long time ago to let him go. He's never once tried to contact me (I'll be 23 in less than 2 weeks and I haven't talked to him since I was 14)....although he's gotten in contact with both my brothers. I always thought he hated me and my mom. I think he has a problem with females....

Anyway - I stopped trying to impress him and instead tried to prove him wrong in all the things he told me I couldn't do and was too stupid to do and that's driven me through out my life.

One day I want him to think of me and realize how much HE missed by not trying to be a father to me. So I try my hardest to be better than him.

What happened between me and him led to depression issues, I have issues with trusting people, I think my best friends are going to leave me eventually, I haven't had TOO many relationships even though I want to, I didn't eat healthy for the longest time and was too skinny, I had insomnia, and was suicidal at one point...

but sometime my junior year of highschool when I realized that I hated him and just decided to not even TRY to talk to him....I became....happy. I still get bouts of depression but I'm no longer suicidal and I'm not depressed all the time - I can control it. and while I still have trust issues, I'm working on it :)

Thanks guys, It's been really difficult because I'm again one of those people who can solve others problems, but never my own. I just hope I can get through this relatively quick ^-^ I want to enjoy myself!
At the moment though I just feel like I'm surviving. It's not fun ;O I want to live!

I don't really know what to say except for the fact that none of this is your fault, and I'm sorry you had to go through this.

It feels like a real hell socially for years after one(or both) of your parents acts up like that. It can really mess you up. Eventually-- and hopefully --in time you've healed and then you'll realise that not everyone steps into your life to step on you, but to step by your side.