So I have a bit of a problem... I posted somewhere else seeking help, but only got insulted instead... I just want help...

My parents have raised me to believe in the whole "no sex before marriage" thing, or at least, I'm sure that's what they were aiming for. For a while, I believed they had a good reason to do this, but a bit over a year ago, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It wasn't forced, we both wanted it, and though I was insecure and shy, it had my okay.

Is it wrong that I am not doing what my parents told me? They don't know that I'm not a virgin, and truthfully, I don't think its any of their business... Sounds kinda harsh, but my sexual life shouldn't be monitored by my parents at all... However, I still live under their roof, so does this qualify in the whole "my house, my rules" thing, or is this a more personal kind of... dilemma? I don't know.

I'm 20, by the way. Yes, it probably sounds stupid that I'm worrying over something like this, but in my life, I'm only allowed to do certain things, if my parents deem it appropriate (kind of). This is definitely one of those things that they would absolutely be against, even though I was 18 when I lost my virginity. I'm afraid they'll get angry enough to stop me from seeing my boyfriend, taking my phone away so I can't contact him, or make me live with my grandmother, who is just like them. I can't exactly move out on my own, even though I'd love to, because with college expenses and all, it'd just be impossible, but this is another matter...

I only get to spend time with my boyfriend two days a week from 6pm - 9pm, even though he lives five minutes away from my house. During those hours, we have to sit in my living room with my parents, just... watching TV or doing nothing, really. Its really awkward for him and me. If we go somewhere else to TALK privately, say the kitchen (which is right next to the living room, they can still see me so they won't think I'm off doing something they wouldn't approve), mom would throw a fit after he leaves because I was supposedly hiding something from her.

Everything I do, HAS to have her permission, or at least having her know about it. Still, I wish I was able to make my OWN decisions. Does living under their roof strip me off decision making...? I doubt it. But there isn't any kind of middle ground for us either, I tried talking and reasoning, I mean, my little brother has to CHAPERONE me to go to the MOVIES.

It may not be the best solution, but the only way I spend actual time with my boyfriend (in which we get to be ourselves and not the little awkward penguins we are around my parents), is when I sneak him with me when I go to college. He's job searching, and since he hasn't had any luck, he has a ton of free time, so he goes with me to college and keep me company between classes and during my lunch hour. I also sneak him into my room after my parents and little brother go to bed. This is usually during the Summer, when I'm not studying but am job hunting instead.

I really don't know what I'm asking here... just... am I wrong for wanting to have a bit more freedom? Or I don't know, they treat me like a child, I have no control over the little money I get because it usually goes for the bills, I make no decisions about my personal or sexual life... Its frustrating. I can't talk to them about it because they won't listen, if they find out I'm not a virgin they might force me away from my boyfriend. I don't want to be going behind their backs to see him, I just want to have a choice. I'm trying to be part of the real world and get my own independence, make my own mistakes, LEARN how to LIVE.I'm an adult... I just wish they would treat me as such...

Update:

I just came back to this thread because my situation is still the same. Thanks to everyone who has talked and shared their point of views, I honestly take these things to mind.

I'm currently looking for a part time job to be able to get some independence, even though my parents don't really think I should. They want for me to focus on college and to depend on them for everything, because college is my best chance for a better future. I appreciate it, I really do, but I believe that I need the job to be able to move on with my life. I should be able to pay for my own things (though I think that I repay what they already give me with what little money is left from the financial aid the school gives me).

Around a week ago, I went to my boyfriend's house in the morning because I didn't have classes until the afternoon. I usually do this, but as you might have already guessed, my parents don't know because they think that us spending time without a watchful eye all the time basically means that we'll be having sex, (or that my boyfriend would take advantage of me like that, just because he's my first boyfriend and he has more experience in that area). The thing is, I went there to spend time with him, and after a while my dad phones me, saying that he saw the car there and that we were going to have a serious conversation when I got home.

All of my stress from before poured out and I had some sort of nervous break down. My boyfriend calmed me down and even volunteered to go with me to the afternoon college classes because I shouldn't be driving like that (its almost an hour long drive). Dad called again, asking where I was, and I told him I went to take my afternoon classes and he seemed relieved. I guess he thought I would run away or something? Anyway, my boyfriend went with me, but my emotional state was still a mess so I excused myself to the professors and stuffed myself in chocolate and worry.

When I got home, dad didn't say anything at all. He was just angry but pretended I wasn't there. It was a visiting day, too, so he gave my boyfriend the cold shoulder all night as well. The next day, I felt bad about not really telling anything to my mom, so I decided to tell her that I spent the morning at my boyfriend's house. She got mad and depressed (not eating for days and crying non stop) and shortened my visiting hours to just 2 hours per week.

I don't know if this was fair or not, I mean, I know they basically mean well, but again I feel that I'm being treated as a child with no control over my life or decisions.

While she was upset, she told me that if I was going to be doing those kind of bad, horrible and life changing decisions (visiting my boyfriend without them knowing, or lying), I would need to find a place to go soon. She was dead on serious, and I took my chance to go job searching.

Which takes me into the whole circle now! Dad says I don't need a job, and I'm sure that if I do get one, I won't be able to manage my own money for as long as I live here. But how can I move out if I don't? Urgh, this is so confusing.

I told my boyfriend what mom said, and he was applying for jobs everywhere too, but he has a huge problem. His car broke down, and he has no money to fix it. To get the money, he needs the job. To go to the job, he'd need his car. He's stuck, because his family is already helping him out by letting him live with them (which he hates, he wants to move out as fast as possible) but they're helping him enough and won't help with transportation. I have nothing to help with either, so I'm useless to him.

I don't know what to do, I'm so stressed out... I guess I just needed to vent, and update while I was at it.

In my eyes, you are absolutely not wrong for wanting a bit of freedom. I have friends whose parents are like yours and in the end as soon as they got freedom they went crazy and rebelled. I doubt that would be the case for you.
First off, you are 18 and regardless of you living in their house or not, you should have freedom. Sadly if you do something against their wishes they'd kick you out, I understand that much, but you are legally allowed to do what you want without your parents permission. Your parents are way to overprotective and it pretty much shocks me to see that you are 20.
On to the virginity issue,
You are not wrong to have done that. Sex is natural and if you wanted it and it just happened, it happened. You aren't a horrible person, you aren't dirty, you are still the same person. I go to a Baptist school and they basically pound the whole sex before marriage thing into our heads. It is your life and you should be free to do what you want to do.
I suggest (last resort), sitting down with your parents and explaining to them how you feel about them being so clingy. Talk about how they should trust you to make your own decisions in life because when it comes down to it, they won't be there forever and when they are gone, it will be like who is there to guide me? They need to let you have some space to do things and actually have a life. I know it will be really REALLY hard to talk to them about it but if you ever want freedom you might have to open a couple doors to do so.
I am really sorry they do that. :/ It is sad to hear and I am even more sorry that you got ridiculed for it somewhere else. :(

I hope this makes sense, I am a bit tired. If you need someone to talk with though, feel free to inbox me.

I agree with what Daisy said. You should talk to them about it. I would tell them that you need room to grow and make mistakes and that they can't always be hovering over you like that. Explain to them how you feel in a calm mature fashion. A bout your sex life, it's no one's business but your own so I see no reason why they have to know what you do. I hope things work out for you.

Thank you both for replying; it really feels good to get this off my chest. I'll try talking to them, who knows? Maybe they'll listen this time around... and I'll save up as much as I can so I can move out eventually. Might take a while, but its better than nothing, right?

Glad to know people here are understanding and helpful. :3

You got insulted for that? Geeze... honestly I can relate about the controlling parents. I hated that "my house my rules" quote so much growing up.

In my opinion about the "sex before marriage" stuff I tend to view it a lot differently than most people, so it may sound a bit weird. To me, I believe that doing that act with someone is a vow itself. I believe that when that act is done that you have vowed loyalty to one another till death and that it is, in a way a marriage contract. The reason being that this deed is only allowed AFTER marriage, so it would in a way just be skipping a step.

Plus on the other hand, if you don't get married immediately, and they abandon you after a while like my ex-wife did, it's not a complete and annoying hassle on top of all the pain you have to deal with.

So, a question or two for you:
Are you in the long run planning to marry him?
Is he in the long run planning to marry you?

If yes to both of those, I think it's perfectly reasonable in my mind, because it would basically be the initial signage of the contract.

--

As for the controlling parents. Be careful of inviting him into the house, as I'm pretty sure that would end most freedoms in general if they don't trust him. Do they not let you two go on dates and such?
Like seeing a movie, going out to eat, going to a nearby park, etc?

I don't know if you want or still need advice on this topic, but after finally reading all the way through your first post I realized I had an opinion on the subject.

Number one: your boyfriend is a wonderful guy, like oh my god. ANY guy that would sit through your torturous parents like that is a godsend. Seriously. If you two still like each other in five years, marry that boy.

Number two: I totally understand where you're coming from. Your parents are serious hard asses (far worse than mine ever have been) and you do deserve your freedom...it's just...and you don't want to hear this I'm sure, you are living under their roof. I don't know what the other people's opinions were, but I honestly think you have to respect that you're under their roof getting free rent and food and all the other amenities. As such...you kinda have to respect their rules.

I mean, you can talk to them. You can try to have a calm conversation about how you're an adult and you truly appreciate their gracious present of letting you live under their roof past your 18th birthday, but you need a little freedom. BUT, you live under their roof. It is their rules.

I am in your boat as far as not being able to move out even though I'm 20, so I understand. Sometimes it sucks. It's just how the world is right now, and everyone has to deal with stuff they don't want to because money is tight, unfortunately.

On another note, I don't think you should feel bad about losing your v-card to your boyfriend. You've been with him for over two years it sounds like--it's not like it was some stupid one night stand. That would be a different story. Also on the subject of sex, though...I wouldn't be doing it in my parent's house. Especially with the way your parents are. That's just disrespectful in my opinion.

Anyway, I don't know if any of that helped, but that's my comment from the peanut gallery.

Heheh, read your dilemma there. When I was 16, I couldn't walk half a mile from the house. When I did and they found out, I threatened to run away, and they threatened to send me to a juvenile prison of sorts, which is really funny because I was never a bad kid. I went to Sunday school (and no longer strongly believe in god), I graduated high school with honors, and I am in college making Dean's List every quarter. Our parents are pretty similar, but yours are just a bit more nuts than mine. My dad has tried to come to accept the fact that I'm a growing adult. I was able to go on my first camping trip last weekend with my boyfriend and his mom (under the assumption that his mom and I would be sharing a tent, but that didn't actually happen). My mom wants me to stay under her wing and her rules forever. But at least I can go to a separate room with my boyfriend of 3 years and have private conversations though. Seriously, you are an adult now. You need your privacy. You shouldn't have to sneak around your parents, but some parents, it's just the way it has to go. I used to sneak out of high school football and basketball games all the time (I was in band) just to see my boyfriend at his house for an hour or two. You should probably have that conversation with your family where you voice your needs: privacy, freedom, the chance to grow up and live a little, to be able to learn the lessons necessary to being an adult and surviving in the real world. Parents can always say they "know best" based off of their OWN experiences and what they saw in their lifetimes, but their children need to make their own as well. We just don't learn from hearing it from others, we need to feel things ourselves. And what is right to someone isn't necessarily right to someone else. My mom says I should get married before I ever live with a man, I strongly oppose this and plan to live with my boyfriend within the next couple of years. We need to find out if we're even compatible for married life, that way if we're not, we don't waste a ton of money on a marriage and a divorce. Your mom says you should get married before you ever have sex (I don't know of a parent that DOESN'T tell their daughter this), but such views are simply outdated and don't work in all situations and circumstances and the newer generation. I lost my virginity when my boy left for a prestigious 4 year military training school, I expected to never see him for the next 4 YEARS. I had lots of reasoning behind my actions, and we made sure we took care of ourselves in preventing pregnancy, because he wasn't allowed to have family or wife and I could never afford an abortion in my current jobless financial situation. Your body is your own responsibility. Your parents can't make those choices for you no matter how much they would like to. While it may be a good idea to wait until your married, it's simply unrealistic to expect today's youth to hold true to the same morals and values their parents had.
What I'd like to say is, it's not wrong for a 20 year old to want to test the waters and pave their own paths. You need to figure out what works for you, what life without mom and dad holding your hands along every step of the way is like. If your parents will listen, you should try to voice your needs for necessary changes. If they don't listen, you can only continue to live under their rules or try to sneak around them, or burn some bridges trying to build your own life. You'll need experience one way or another. EXPERIENCE IS THE STONE FOUNDATION. Mistakes, triumphs, defeats, lessons learned, are necessary for being able to survive real world situations. If you never burned your hand touching a hot pan out of the oven, you would never have known that hot metal fresh from the oven causes lots of pain. If you never squeezed lemons on a summer day, you would never know the joy of refreshing lemonade. If you never bought your own groceries and struggled to pay the bills at the end of the month, you'd never know how to balance finances, and figure out when you can and can't afford extra items or trips out. Parents just can't do these and many other things for you, and as a result, you need the independence and ability to feel such things for yourself. To get the learning and mistake process out of your system before you settle into your permanent job and lifestyle. By then, your boss expects you to have a certain level of control, wisdom, and experience, and it's hard to figure all that out at the same time.

Update:

I just came back to this thread because my situation is still the same. Thanks to everyone who has talked and shared their point of views, I honestly take these things to mind.

I'm currently looking for a part time job to be able to get some independence, even though my parents don't really think I should. They want for me to focus on college and to depend on them for everything, because college is my best chance for a better future. I appreciate it, I really do, but I believe that I need the job to be able to move on with my life. I should be able to pay for my own things (though I think that I repay what they already give me with what little money is left from the financial aid the school gives me).

Around a week ago, I went to my boyfriend's house in the morning because I didn't have classes until the afternoon. I usually do this, but as you might have already guessed, my parents don't know because they think that us spending time without a watchful eye all the time basically means that we'll be having sex, (or that my boyfriend would take advantage of me like that, just because he's my first boyfriend and he has more experience in that area). The thing is, I went there to spend time with him, and after a while my dad phones me, saying that he saw the car there and that we were going to have a serious conversation when I got home.

All of my stress from before poured out and I had some sort of nervous break down. My boyfriend calmed me down and even volunteered to go with me to the afternoon college classes because I shouldn't be driving like that (its almost an hour long drive). Dad called again, asking where I was, and I told him I went to take my afternoon classes and he seemed relieved. I guess he thought I would run away or something? Anyway, my boyfriend went with me, but my emotional state was still a mess so I excused myself to the professors and stuffed myself in chocolate and worry.

When I got home, dad didn't say anything at all. He was just angry but pretended I wasn't there. It was a visiting day, too, so he gave my boyfriend the cold shoulder all night as well. The next day, I felt bad about not really telling anything to my mom, so I decided to tell her that I spent the morning at my boyfriend's house. She got mad and depressed (not eating for days and crying non stop) and shortened my visiting hours to just 2 hours per week.

I don't know if this was fair or not, I mean, I know they basically mean well, but again I feel that I'm being treated as a child with no control over my life or decisions.

While she was upset, she told me that if I was going to be doing those kind of bad, horrible and life changing decisions (visiting my boyfriend without them knowing, or lying), I would need to find a place to go soon. She was dead on serious, and I took my chance to go job searching.

Which takes me into the whole circle now! Dad says I don't need a job, and I'm sure that if I do get one, I won't be able to manage my own money for as long as I live here. But how can I move out if I don't? Urgh, this is so confusing.

I told my boyfriend what mom said, and he was applying for jobs everywhere too, but he has a huge problem. His car broke down, and he has no money to fix it. To get the money, he needs the job. To go to the job, he'd need his car. He's stuck, because his family is already helping him out by letting him live with them (which he hates, he wants to move out as fast as possible) but they're helping him enough and won't help with transportation. I have nothing to help with either, so I'm useless to him.

I don't know what to do, I'm so stressed out... I guess I just needed to vent, and update while I was at it.

---------- Post added 09-12-2012 at 09:51 PM ----------

Originally Posted by The Wandering Poet

You got insulted for that? Geeze... honestly I can relate about the controlling parents. I hated that "my house my rules" quote so much growing up.

In my opinion about the "sex before marriage" stuff I tend to view it a lot differently than most people, so it may sound a bit weird. To me, I believe that doing that act with someone is a vow itself. I believe that when that act is done that you have vowed loyalty to one another till death and that it is, in a way a marriage contract. The reason being that this deed is only allowed AFTER marriage, so it would in a way just be skipping a step.

Plus on the other hand, if you don't get married immediately, and they abandon you after a while like my ex-wife did, it's not a complete and annoying hassle on top of all the pain you have to deal with.

So, a question or two for you:
Are you in the long run planning to marry him?
Is he in the long run planning to marry you?

If yes to both of those, I think it's perfectly reasonable in my mind, because it would basically be the initial signage of the contract.

--

As for the controlling parents. Be careful of inviting him into the house, as I'm pretty sure that would end most freedoms in general if they don't trust him. Do they not let you two go on dates and such?
Like seeing a movie, going out to eat, going to a nearby park, etc?

To me, losing my virginity was not a mistake even if I don't end up marrying him, because when we had that moment of intimacy, I loved him. I still love him, and I know he loves me. Even if things don't turn out how we want it to, because stuff happens and we can't really tell, I wouldn't regret it. It was something I thought over long and hard before really getting myself into it.

To answer your question (apart from the ranting update), we have talked about it and yes, we'd like to get married someday. However, we still can't because we first need to have the fundamental parts of a home (a place to live, income, jobs, that sort of thing). But yes, marriage is in our thoughts in the long run.

And we do get to go on dates, maybe one every two months we go to the movies with my brother as a chaperone, or just go hang out at the mall. Those are "too often" according to mom, too.