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Lunel
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#1
Old 03-09-2007, 07:51 AM

Just a lil something I've been cooking up. It was originally going to be an rp, but after talking to some friends I decided to keep it to myself and write it as a story.
Please read and review? but be nice..hehe...

Izzy clipped her handheld to her belt and pulled her mirrored goggles up to take an uncensored view of her surroundings. Doing such was dangerous and strictly against the rules, but she did it anyway on days when the UV levels were low enough to not burn out her retinas. Even as nice as the day was, she put them back on after a few moments when her light sensitive eyes began to water up. The distant sun shone brightly and glinted off the snow fields that stretched on seemingly forever, and for someone who grew up in an underground cavern, it was incredibly bright. She sighed and pulled the handheld device off her belt once more, scratching her head in thought as she looked over the monitor. The permafrost in the field was thicker than she had originally estimated when she was last there. Bad news for her boss, who had picked up readings of a rich oil mine beneath the ice.
Oil was the only reason anyone from the outside came near the barren wasteland of Izzy's home planet. Temperatures that could be compared to Earth's poles near the equator, which is where the three main outposts were located. The best and biggest oil deposits were father north, but even with the latest technology, prolonged survival any farther north than about 10 degrees was impossible. As it was, living anywhere on the planet was playing with disaster. The atmosphere was incredibly thin, making radiation a big problem. Above the surface, people were required to wear full body suits designed to block the deadly rays from the sun. All living quarters were located under a several foot thick sheet of lead.
So why live in such an unforgiving environment? The answer was simple. Technology had progressed farther and faster in the past few hundred years than anyone could imagine. Interstellar travel, super computers, advanced A.I., cloning...the list went on. But the easiest form of fuel still remained oil. And the planet was full of it, even after several decades of mining.
Izzy was part of the fifth generation of people that worked on the planet. She was also the first generation that did not directly undergo genetic enhancements, and had naturally inherited all of the traits she needed to have a chance at survival. She was about six inches shorter than the average human being, and had about 20% more blood. Her resting pulse was around 110 and had many more veins and arteries running through her body, providing the extra circulation to keep frostbite from setting in, especially in the vulnerable fingers and toes. Her body was more solid, and with a higher fat content to insulate her body, but also had strong muscles, and near superhuman endurance. To an outsider, she had the appearance of a very solid football player. Most girls her age would have been frustrated that it was genetically impossible for her to achieve the coveted perfect figure, but lacking such kept her alive and thats what she cared for over such superficial desires.
"No use wasting more time...may as well get back..." The ice field she was currently investigating was located a fair distance from the base, so she was issued a vehicle, which is the main reason why she had signed up to check it out, despite the danger of being too far from help were it needed. The vehicle she had taken resembled a more aerodynamic golf cart, but it packed a punch. Its top speed maxed out at over 100 mph, though going that fast was strictly forbidden, considering the rough terrain. Of course, Izzy seldom stuck to protocol, and she prided herself on being an excellent driver.
It took her roughly half the time to reach the base that it should have, had she gone the recomended speed, and as she parked in the garage and headed into the office, her supervisor, who had been watching her tracking beacon just looked at her and shook his head before turning back to his work.
"Youre gonna end up a splat on an iceberg someday." His face tried to be serious looking, but the smile betrayed him.
Izzy shrugged and smiled.
"May as well go out with a bang."
"What did you find out?"
"Nothing you're gonna be excited about" She said as she pulled off her face mask and tossed the mini-computer on his desk.
"You expect me to touch that thing right after its spent four hours outside?"
Izzy laughed and used a gloved hand to punch a few keys and bring up the digital readout of the area she had just been in. Her supervisor made a face and groaned.
"This is gonna cost twice to mine what we thought it was going to.."
Izzy just shrugged and turned towards the door.
"That's your problem, don't shoot the messenger."
She shifted the bulky face mask into one hand to open the door, then used a foot to shut it on the other side, and looked around at the dimly light, hollowed out stone corridors of the underground base she had called home all her life.

Lunel
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#2
Old 03-09-2007, 07:53 AM

Heres Part two... Once I finish part three I will link to my fictionpress account, and just always make this post the one for the most recent chapter.
Again, feel free to comment!


The underground complex of caves that Izzy currently resided in had been Team B’s base since shortly before she was born. Every 25-30 years the team was moved to a new complex in order to stay close to oil deposits. The new base for her team was currently under construction, but it would be a few more years yet before it was needed, and she was glad for that. The familiarity of this complex was her constant, and it made the unpredictable life she led just a bit easier. Expertly, she navigated the paths, some through huge caverns, some through narrow passageways, to her living quarters. Along the way she passed a few people, most of them she recognized, and greeted them with a wave or hello. There was rarely a new face in the complex, but the team was so large, that she would see someone she wasn’t familiar with on a regular basis. Most people kept to themselves, and didn’t talk to others much, which had always bothered her a bit. She would never admit it, but she had always been a bit lonely. Still, she didn’t let it interfere with her work, and she had always been a good worker.
After about twenty minutes of walking, Izzy finally came to a stop in front of a door towards the end of a hallway. She waved a hand in front of the door, and a quiet mechanical beeping could be heard for a moment before a light about the door turned green and the door slid open, allowing her inside. A quick glance around the room made it obvious to anyone that she didn’t spend there. The furniture was simple, and the decorations were few. Still, she didn’t mind. It was only her anyway, her parents were part of Team A, currently halfway across the planet.
Unceremoniously, she unzipped her coat, and tossed it on the floor, following with the rest of her outer gear, leaving only a black jumpsuit covered in tiny crisscrossing heat coils powered by a battery pack on her hip. She turned the suit’s power off, and then took that off as well and added it to the pile, the heat from the suit causing steam to come off the coat. She was left in a simple long sleeved shirt, cloth pants, and thick fuzzy socks. The interior of her home was, at any given time, approximately 100 degrees Fahrenheit warmer than the outside of the complex, but even then, to someone who wasn’t used to it, it was still rather chilly. To Izzy, the average 60 degrees or so was balmy, and she would walk around barefoot and be entirely comfortable. She checked the clock. There was still another hour or so before dinner would be served in the mess hall, so she flopped down on the sofa and closed her eyes.
“Is this all my life is ever going to be?…”
And somewhere in the vast complex, something seemingly insignificant happened. A pipe that was pumping oil that had been neglected from the weekly checkup the day before developed a crack.

sychobunny
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#3
Old 04-19-2007, 01:16 PM

Part 1:
The distant sun shone brightly and glinted off the snowfields that stretched on seemingly forever. For someone who grew up in an underground cavern, it was incredibly bright.
Quote:
Temperatures that could be compared to Earth's poles near the equator, which is where the three main outposts were located.
I suggest finishing the first thought as a complete sentence. And making the second part a sentence of its own. Even so, scientifically the poles cannot be at the same location as the equator. By definition, the equator must be the division of two hemispheres where the centers are the endpoints of the poles. If you wish to describe the orientation of Earth to be different, you should re work out how it is layed out and then figure out how to quickly describe it in passing.

The answer was simple. Technology had progressed farther and faster in the past few hundred years than anyone could imagine; Interstellar travel, super computers, advanced A.I., cloning, the list went on.
Quote:
Most girls her age would have been frustrated that it was genetically impossible for her to achieve the coveted perfect figure, but lacking such kept her alive and thats what she cared for over such superficial desires.
that’s
One would think that society would go in the way of coveting that which survives. Our current society values skinny because we are wealthy enough to eat beyond necessity. When society could not afford to eat, heavier builds were coveted because it meant that one could eat.
What is she lacking? A perfect figure, or other females around her?

recommended

You’re

Quote:
"This is gonna cost twice to mine what we thought it was going to.."
This could be just the dialect, but did you mean “twice to mine?”


Part two:
Quote:
Still, she didn’t let it interfere with her work, and she had always been a good worker.
repetitive

Quote:
Most people kept to themselves, and didn’t talk to others much, which had always bothered her a bit. She would never admit it, but she had always been a bit lonely.
Psychologically this doesn’t work. Loneliness is experienced when one is accustomed to people and there is an absence of people. If there is no interaction from the beginning, or for long enough time, loneliness is not felt because there is no precedence. Most readers will not be aware of this, so for a common story, its fine and its mention will be filed away under forshadowing.

You clearly know what you want to say. You know the setting, and what mechanically happens. However, you are still writing slightly in a role-playing style. Try not to directly describe what is mechanically happening and tell the reader what is happening through your characters.

 


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