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Jaded Geisha
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#1
Old 05-07-2007, 04:51 AM

I wrote this a while ago just to complete an assignment back in highschool... So it's been sitting around QUITE a while... I'm just wondering... do you like it? Is it worth completing?

I know I should have kept walking that day, but I’m a guy! What can I say, when I see a pretty girl crying her eyes out I can’t fight the urge to help her! That’s how I met those two, and my life changed forever.
Some would say it changed for the better, others would say for the worse. I don’t care either way. All I know is after that chance encounter my life could never be the same.

It all happened one morning before Greek mythology class. I had decided to stop off at the sunrise bakery like I did every morning. I always ordered the same thing too, a black coffee and a whole wheat bagel with cream cheese and lox. I call it the stereotypical Jew breakfast.

I had just placed my order with Maud, the old woman that owns the bakery when I first saw Fia. She was a tall thin girl with delicate features, pale apple green eyes and a shock of the most beautiful red hair I had ever laid my eyes on. Needless to say I was instantly smitten.

Being a normal red blooded American man, I didn’t hesitate to “put my moves on her” so to speak. I smoothed down my hair and checked my reflection on the glass of the display case before I strutted over to her. I pulled out the chair and flashed he one of my trademark pretty boy smiles expecting her to be Putty in my hands. But when I looked up, she was heading for the door!

Now if I wasn’t a cocky moron I’d have sat back and counted my loses but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to let her go.

“Wait!” I called and ran out after her, leaving my back pack and fresh bagel in the bakery. I smiled as I caught up with her but she turned to me with tears in her eyes.

“Whoa… I’m sorry… are you alright?” I asked, taken a back by her sudden change.

“I-I’m fine... I g-gotta go…” she stammered and just as suddenly as she came into my life she was gone again as she started running down the street.

I stood there, my mouth agape trying to figure out what had happened when suddenly a high pitched fit of laughter broke out behind me. I turned around ready to put the unknown ease dropper in their place but when I turned the laughter stopped and there was no one behind me.

“Well that’s just weird…” I muttered and turned back around to come face to face with the unknown laugher, only then she became known. She was short and a little on the chubby side, but I wouldn’t have called her fat… although I don’t have the heart to call anyone fat, but most people would agree that this girl was not over weight.

She had obviously dyed black hair pulled up in a short and poofy ponytail. She grinned up at me and crinkled her freckled nose as she started to crack up once more.

“Nice job Casanova… do all the girls you hit on burst into tears?” she said as she held her sides.

I stood there for a moment in shock. It seemed baffling to me that this girl would have the nerve to come up to someone she had never met just to poke fun at a failed attempt at flirting.

“Excuse you, but do you even know me?” I growled once I had found my tongue. The girl’s eyes got wide for a second before she burst out laughing for the third time.

“I’m sorry… you’re… just so… funny!” she cried in between her fits.

“What are you talking about?”

“Actually thinking Fia wouldn’t shot you down!” she said and sat on the curb laughing like a mental patient.

“Her name is Fia… that’s such a beautiful name…” I said dreamily before I snapped back into my senses.

“And what exactly do you mean by that? I could have gotten her if I really wanted… I just didn’t feel like turning on the charm is all…” I said and crossed my arms across my chest.

“Oops… that came out all wrong… see there’s nothing wrong with you dude… Fia just has some major issues…” the girl said and stood holding her hand out to me.

“By the way, my name is Sylvia Cruz Del Hierro but everyone calls me Sly...” she said and shook my hand

“Uh hi… I’m Jeremy…” I said and took back my hand.

“So you know Fia?” I asked after a few seconds of uncomfortable silence.

“I suppose you could say that… she lives in the same building as me I. She actually lives across the hall from my apartment” Sly said as she shifted her bag from one shoulder to the other.

“So you and your parents know her…” I asked as I straightened my coat.

“Uh no… I don’t live with them”

“Aren’t you a little young to be living on your own?”

“Dude I’m 17 and a half… so quit talking’ to me like I’m some kid” Sly
growled and shot me a death glare.

“Uh sorry… You know it isn’t my fault you look and act like a 13 year old…” I responded and rolled my eyes.

“I do not look like a 13 year old! And not that it’s any of your business but I don’t live alone… I’m staying with my brother because my parent’s kicked me out…”

“Oh… uh sorry to pry…” I said with sarcasm dripping from my tone and turned my back to sly. At that point I really couldn’t care less about her or her living situation.
***
I left Sly and walked back to the bakery where I retrieved my now icy bagel and lukewarm coffee along with my backpack and headed to my class. If I thought Greek mythology was confusing before, it was nearly uncomprehendable now that I had a girl like Fia on my mind. It was a miracle that I was able to make it through the class with little incident other than being caught writing her name down instead of my own on my quiz.

After class I returned to my dorm to nap a bit before my next class but I couldn’t sleep. I still had Fia running through my mind and I couldn’t bring myself to sleep. I was completely obsessed. Only I couldn’t figure out why.

Blaidd_Tywyll
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#2
Old 05-07-2007, 09:33 PM

Just one comment, and it might just be a thing of preference. I have absolutely no idea what this place looks like. I'd say, yes, continue the story, but give a little thought to what the place looks like, and let us know too.

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#3
Old 05-08-2007, 03:44 AM

yes, i would like to have a better description of jeremy and the places.. but you have a good eye for detail when describing the 2 girls.. and i think you should continue it... let me know if you do!

Kazzy1231
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#4
Old 05-10-2007, 03:42 PM

I think yes you should finish it.

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#5
Old 05-14-2007, 04:24 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blaidd_Tywyll
Just one comment, and it might just be a thing of preference. I have absolutely no idea what this place looks like. I'd say, yes, continue the story, but give a little thought to what the place looks like, and let us know too.
I think you should add a little more detail to it, and defo finish it, its really good and i want to know what happens next so keep on going with it ! =D xx

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#6
Old 05-15-2007, 03:40 AM

My suggestion would be not to finish it but to rewrite it. It's good, but like people have been saying, you need to go more in depth with your descriptions. I used to have the same problem. I would start writing a story and after a few chapters, realize how lacking it was and just start over. I've rewritten one of my stories over a dozen times before I got it to the point where I felt it was descriptive enough.
Often times when you rewrite something, your mind comes up with different way to phrase things. Then as you continue, you can compare the different versions and combine them gradually into something really astounding.
Either way, this is a good start and I'm interested in seeing where the story goes.

 


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