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Essentially it says that some grandparents are toxic and their children are like moths to a flame repeatedly going back in hopes of a healthy loving supportive relationship just to be burned again.
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This. All of this. And it's cyclical, until someone is aware (and strong) enough to break it. And it takes a lot to break it. And she would be hurt, and you would feel guilt... perhaps for a long time.
If I look at my sister and me, I feel my sister in part moved state while I was pregnant to get away from Mom. While she packed, Cole and I took my nephew for nearly two months while she got settled and got him enrolled in school down there... because my sister was scared of him being alone with Mom for that long. Her drinking had increased at this point, but I remember feeling it was something else, because she's left him with her any other time she's been drinking. (Leaving him the entire summer with her, so he'll just be playing shooter video games 24/7... no exaggeration, heartbreakingly.)
I know that a lot of bad things went down between them. I only got snippets though. Like Mom going over in the middle of the night to pick fights, ending up puking all over the walls... could you imagine?
I moved out because of her, and I remember for years feeling this disconnect with myself. It was "what I want to do, and what I am doing versus what I FEEL I should be doing", which was I felt I should be doing things to get approval from her. I felt like I had to answer to her, and I felt like I needed to please her. And there is no pleasing her. I know for a fact that she carries a lot on the inside and the negative spews out 9 times out of 10. But not always. She is always there if there's a crisis, without fail, and she is supportive when support is needed. She would give me the shirt off her back, and I consciously choose to NOT take advantage of it. Enough people already do.
However, my lens of her has changed, too. The 10 months I worked at the family business was the most time I had spent with/seen her in years. Years. And it was nice, because at work, she can't drink. I'm not around her when she drinks, unless I have to be. The last time was when Cole's parents were here in March. We were supposed to go down for a group dinner, and when we got there she was absolutely shattered. Ran toward Terra like a screaming idiot (overbearingly "playful"... think angry grizzly bear), and picked fights. I bite it, because Terra adores her and rarely sees her. It's very special time for her. But it's amazing to hear how angry she is with me when she's drunk.
Why is she angry?
I denied her Terra. And I did, and I don't regret it. I learned years after that my sister defended my decision, too, which surprised me. "Why do you think that is, Mom?" Brilliant response!
It happened when Terra was four months old. My dad had just gotten home from his brain aneurysm, and Terra and I spent the day with him. My stepmom had gone back to school (teaching) and I was with him because we didn't know how safe he was. His verbals were messed up, but he was walking and able to do simple things like fix a cup of instant coffee, go to the bathroom, etc. I cooked dinner.
The important piece to this is that it was the beginning of Spring semester (my third semester of grad school). I told my stepmom that I needed to head out by 6:00 to get there in time. Around 3:00, Mom called to say she was taking my stepmom out so she could "get a breather". What that actually meant was to go to their house to play cards and drink themselves stupid.
I checked in hourly, and nope. Excuses. Cole came to pick me up after his work shift at the university and I was so livid I couldn't see straight. Mind you, we had just spent a month in the hospital, most of it in the ICU with Dad. I lost all of winter break. That whole ordeal was beyond frightening. We had accumulated a good $1500 in hotel fares, gas, and food. I digress though. I was just extremely stressed and not as rational as I could be.
I ended up seething to him what was going on, in that they weren't coming home, and I needed to go to class. I didn't tell Dad (obviously, lol xD), and finally Mom said she (stepmom) was on her way... well after the time I had to go. It was BAAAAAAAAAAAAD. When the headlights pulled into the driveway and the car stopped, we realized Mom was with her and had driven. Stepmom was retching outside to the point I thought she'd break in half, and Mom staggered in ready to pick a fight.
She went for the baby to "snuggle" and I remember taking her from Cole and saying, "No."
"No?"
"No. You are beyond drunk. Get away from her, and don't touch her."
She then proceeded to grab her coat and leave, only to remember she had no car keys or vehicle. ;)
It goes on and on from there, but the point being, up until then she had visited (sober) Terra, and then it was less and less, and then after this incident it was maybe once a month, once every two months, sometimes once every six months... the times between just lengthened. I had consciously taken efforts to not have Terra near her when she's drinking, and that night solidified the need. *shrug*
Terra adores her, and I'll never darken that. But she's never been allowed to watch her. After Terra turned THREE (three!!), and Cole and I had NO choice, because we were doing ACA outreach at the library, I asked if she could come here after work (see what I did there?) and watch her for a few hours. That was fine. She also watched her two hours so we could go view the house.
And that's... been it. I don't trust it. And she knows it's her drinking, which I'm sure is on her mind every time she drinks.
There's a chapter from the life of Chi. xD The point is, step away from toxicity. Sometimes you have to, no matter how much it hurts you and hurts them. It took me a long time for me to realize that a parent doesn't own their child, and if a parent doesn't clean up their shit, they WILL lose their child. I cannot imagine Terra not wanting me around. And I actively fear some day she won't. I'm going to try and do enough so that it doesn't happen.
But at the end of the day, she won't owe anyone anything. She'll be her own person. All children will.