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Jaz
Death warmed over
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07-24-2016, 01:38 PM
I lived in a 2 bedroom fir such a long time it seemed like. Sean was 2.5 when we bought this hous which is technically only a 3 bedroom the boys all share the largest room in the house Ellie gets the second largest because her room is with the boys and we get the smallest bedroom there are two other rooms that are either in too bad disrepair or too small to have as actual rooms though. I don't miss apartments at all but I do miss a landlord who will fix broke stuff for us. I am glad you are living together again. Hopefully everything will get fixed quickly and things will settle in for you.
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Chi
Dancing to her own beat..
Penpal
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07-24-2016, 01:53 PM
I'm glad you guys are able to live together again. I hope everything smooths out with the apartment itself!
Ugh, I am over this heatwave. Unfortunately I don't think it'll end until mid to late August. Makes me think that in the long term of homeowner stuff, I want air conditioning in the living room. It's unbearable.
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Shadami
the one and only
☆ Penpal Moderator
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07-24-2016, 06:59 PM
yeah we had to buy an AC unit. it was to unbearable.
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Chi
Dancing to her own beat..
Penpal
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07-24-2016, 07:10 PM
We have one for the bedroom, but it doesn't help the rest of the house. It's nuts. I'm glad we have it for the bedroom, definitely!
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Inspiration
ICKy Charity Owner
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07-24-2016, 09:14 PM
we just have to keep to the cooled rooms during those especially hot days :D
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Chi
Dancing to her own beat..
Penpal
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07-24-2016, 09:34 PM
That's what we normally do, but today I had to clean. Haaad to. It was so gross, and with the humidity being 75%, the guinea pig cages were disgusting. They seem to be happy for the fresh bedding. They're laying on their sides trying not to melt like the rest of us, I guess. Soon as I see the outside temperature go lower than the inside temperature, I'll open everything up in hopes it'll cool off by morning. x_x
I did get the downstairs picked up and vacuumed, so there's that. I've got probably a couple hours of work prep to do, then I'm ready for the work week. Not mentally, but physically. Aheh.
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Shadami
the one and only
☆ Penpal Moderator
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07-24-2016, 11:55 PM
i needed to clean today, but i only got to sweep the kitchen, and wash dishes.
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Chi
Dancing to her own beat..
Penpal
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07-25-2016, 05:38 PM
The house isn't in too rough shape over here. I'm on break between clients. A friend watched Terra while I worked a few hours this morning, but I need to go back to work once my husband gets home. She doesn't have daycare this week, which is messing everything up.
I'll see if I can get the dishes done and get dinner cooked in the next 50 minutes. :p
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Jaz
Death warmed over
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07-25-2016, 11:30 PM
Michael and Sean have been doing the cleaning for us the last 5 or so days *knock on wood*. They get up early and start working on it right away! It has been amazing help!!! So much so that we went to the park today because I wasn't overly stressed about the house
I still need to work on extra stuff but it is nice not to have the main stuff to do. I started working on our wreck of a back storage room but stalled because it was not just my stuff. Dill's stuff always confuses me... I also should mop the kitchen now that I am thinking about it... I had to soak some hidden dried on cereal that the kids missed getting into the trash can and I did that the other day with a hot wet towel and some cloor cleaner...
We have swamp coolers because Colorado is so dry that they work well and don't cost as much as A/C we have a large one in our kitchen and a tiny one in the boys room. The small one doesn't do much but it works enough to make the upstairs sleep and play tolerable without giving the kids heat stroke. We are actually javeing a big storm right now after only a mid 90°'s day we have been so hot lately where 102° was low... I am hoping it settles out a little we stopped going for walks and stuff because Liam jas problems managing his temperature :(
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Chi
Dancing to her own beat..
Penpal
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07-28-2016, 03:49 PM
Summer is nuts. I feel like it's nuts everywhere this year. :(
We had a mini getaway this week, and it was nice. I had a meeting on Tuesday, and we went afterwards, getting home about an hour and a half ago. I need to go to work now, which, meh. But, I really appreciate the flexibility of my job that allows me TO do it this way. Tomorrow should be a short day, home probably 1 or 2pm the latest.
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Jaz
Death warmed over
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07-28-2016, 09:39 PM
I did bills and played on FFXVI today.... Bills suck but we have a little money that can sit in the account... We can never seem to pay our mortgage ON the first it is always a day or two after if not just before it becomes late and gives us a fee.... :/ I have only been late a few times after Dillon lost his job and we were put under a thing to help us with that after a while... The missing money was basically just tacked on to the back of our loan.
I had my interview yesterday. I was a mess... I was soooo nervous that I stuttered, forgot names, forgot programs we are involved in forgot so so so many things BUT the last bit of my interview was a three parter. That I need to finish tonight.. I was told to email what makes me perfect for the position to the HIPPY coordinator. I being my brain damaged self who forgets my own birthday if you let me, took her card and asked to borrow a pen to write it down. They told me the first part was to address writing competency, the second was to be sure I can use a computer because email is their main source of information. (I am obsessed with checking my email so no issue there) and finally because they wanted to see how many had the mindset to write the information down... They told me only 3 people did it the WHOLE day.... and my interview was at 3PM they started at 8AM.... There was someone who came in after me I think they did interviews until 5 and each was 30 minutes... I also had to read to adults like I read to Ellie which was freaking amusing but I stumbled terribly because it was a new book to me and well I was nervous but they told me I did great with thinking on my feet because parents and kids will throw curveballs which is what they did. Thankfully I have a 4 year old who comments and quotes me in the most inopportune ways that I pretty much answered the way I would answer her... "He's picking flowers but you don't let me pick flowers" ( a quote from yesterday that could have ooozed out of my daughters mouth lol) to which I responded "oh but I do let you pick flowers as long as you ask permission and wait for the flower to grow all the way" lol
Today started off a mess but I won't go into it here... but it has evened up aside from REALLY craving crap foods
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Chi
Dancing to her own beat..
Penpal
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07-29-2016, 05:19 PM
What happened? :o
And I'm glad you went to the interview! When will you hear back??
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Jaz
Death warmed over
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07-29-2016, 07:16 PM
I will hear back by the 5th... I am torn with whether I should start looking for care now or not... I would hate to look and do all the research and then find that I didn't get it...
What happened yesterday? Dillon and I got into an argument.... He had his vasectomy surgery appointment and I had been expressing confusion on both sides. Some days I wanted to go through with it sooo bad other days I started questioning... I am a mess... And I felt like he didn't get that I wasn't settled enough to make the permanent decision. So we argued and he eventually called and cancelled. Money wise it is a terrible time to try for this appointment, he had to take as close to a week off as possible and sick time is only 60% of his pay meaning he would make more than $2 less then minimum wage... Our mortgage is due (DUE DUE like we can't NOT pay it at that point) right when this check would hit and shortly there after our two hardest weeks to balance hit where we have 4 bills that take more then half of a normal pay check. So there was a lot to it... And we were both upset by it... I wasn't as clear as I guess I needed to be because I was so back and forth, I felt that was pretty clear I had no solid answer and he took my answers for it as solid. so yeah...
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Chi
Dancing to her own beat..
Penpal
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07-29-2016, 09:19 PM
Mmm... definitely not something to do unless you're certain. Plus with the finances, it wasn't "just" not knowing. Is he still 100% certain he doesn't want more, or is he hesitant too? I know before he said he was absolutely done, but I know at one point Cole said that too. Now he wants another.
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Jaz
Death warmed over
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07-29-2016, 09:33 PM
He says he is absolutely done but there is a lot of stress. Liam requires a lot but all two year olds do and it just tops it because he needs extra stuff... He says he gets twinges where he thinks about other kids but then goes back to not wanting them. I think I am just unsettled still, and be damned if I care what other people think about it (made the mistake of sharing some stuff with a "friend" who quite literally dragged me through the dirt) after he called it off, I started thinking about how I had been about a year ago, and why and some of it became more clear but the reality is that it isn't clear yet so we need to wait.
Dillon thinks we should be settled and at least temporarily better financially in March so we are going to revisit it again then... Likely it will be constantly revisited until then but you get the picture!
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Chi
Dancing to her own beat..
Penpal
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07-29-2016, 10:09 PM
Why did the friend drag you through the dirt? O_o; I don't get it. If you want more babies, that's your right! It's no one's place to judge. And yeah, revisiting in March makes sense. Finances always suck, don't they? :(
I've made a decision that we're not going to do any home repairs until next year. I believe the actual house can wait until next Spring. I want to actually get a savings account in place once we get the last credit card paid off. Unless something else breaks that needs to be replaced, I'm being Grinchy. Christmas will be right around the freaking corner, and I'm nowhere near prepared.
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Jaz
Death warmed over
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07-29-2016, 11:40 PM
She told me I was selfish and I need to get help. She told me asking Dillon to postpone the surgery when he is definatively done is the equivilant of an abusive man forcing a woman to keep a child. She said I was manipulating him and that my feelings about the miscarriage were null, they didn't matter in this decision because it is his body... I had told her that I was freaking because he was so closed off about everything and that is usually my part he never closes off and she basically told me that he doesn't feel anything because of how quock it all happened (which wasn't at all the case once I did get Dillon to talk to me about it after this whole thing went down) she was the second person I because while she is usually blunt and abrasive she can view things pretty level headedly for other people. For herself she refuses to be level headed even when asking for advice she will basically tell you no nevermind I was right sorry I didn't need your help anyhow... she makes me crazy but she also encourages parts of my life that I struggle with. Its hard to tell if she is a toxic friendship or not. I don't know... I go through phases where I won't talk to her because she has drove me to insanity and then we will be gkod for a a while then back to no talking for a short time...
There is judgement on all sides about wanting more kids peopls judge because we get assistance, because of the number of kds we have now, because we have two with special needs, because I complain... it is obnoxious...
Ugh... Christmas... I am not grinchy about it but the money factor stresses me to extremes. Our credit cards are out of hand we had a lot of emergency fix purchases that are now hitting the 6 month term and blasting us with interest which is scy rocketing our payments.. the we have the Jaz was depressed and dumb mess too which are astronomical payments...
The great thing if I get this opportunity with HIPPY is that the income is a living allowence not an income, it is still taxed but it doesn't effect our services we get... That is so helpful since it is only a 9 month service and the rest of the year there is no income. I also would get a cell phone stipend and mileage and something to pay off loans at the end of the year.
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Chi
Dancing to her own beat..
Penpal
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07-30-2016, 11:38 AM
HIPPY sounds like it's seriously exactly what you guys could use right now. The knowledge it won't affect benefits means it won't be like the daycare job. Ohhh, come on next week! I'm going to cross fingers and toes for you!!
As for the friend's opinion... what matters is Dillon's and your opinions. I suppose if I REALLY wrapped my head around it all, I could see the whole, "His body, his choice!" thing, but in a committed relationship, I don't think it would fly if the roles were reversed. If he wasn't sure, and in that moment you felt sure, it also wouldn't be fair for you to get permanent birth control either. It's complicated. There is no cut and dry, black and white response to it. Do I think it's abusive? No. I think it's okay to take more time. You're not refusing him sex, you're not demanding he give you a baby. You're asking for time. The miscarriage only just happened, and for all you know, a year or two from now you both won't want a baby, or you both WILL want a baby. It's hard to say. Liam will grow more and more options will become available once he can better communicate, and once he can try out more services. I still think you'll see a huge difference once OT can be implemented at home. Sean would likely benefit as well. Hell, I think all kids could.
I'm feeling annoyed about the friend's commentary again. It completely eliminates your needs. And yes, the therapist in me would just say, "Locus of control." The absolute level headed response I can think of is:
Dillion's done. Okay, fine. His body, his choice.
You're not done. Okay, fine. Your body, your choice.
Dillon won't fill your needs because it doesn't match his needs. Okay, fine as well. It's healthy for him to state he doesn't think he can handle more.
Your needs go unmet without a baby. This is also fine, and also healthy if you know yourself well enough that you'll feel incomplete without one. So what does it mean? New partner, or someone goes without for a very long time, either until they cope with the loss without destroying the relationship, or they find some form of compromise. Fostering. Respite care. Something like that.
Dramatic? You bet. But it's not fair for someone to say the only choice is no more babies because he chooses it. And I'd say the same thing if the roles were reversed. If you were absolutely done, that's okay. If he wasn't, that's okay too. It just becomes a point of compromise. If either one of you would be unhappy having another or not having another, it is a huge deal.
My personal opinion is that "time" is okay to take. If Dillon ever becomes antsy or upset because he's not had a vasectomy, remind him you're not asking for a baby right now, and that you're still going to respect his decision later. You would just really like to wait until a.) finances are better, and b.) you see where life takes you, and where the kids grow.
Condoms and other birth control can sometimes be annoying, but at least it's not permanent. That would be where the compromise comes in. If he feels slighted because he's not having the surgery right now, offer him "safer" sex to ease his mind while time passes. It shows you're listening and respecting his needs while also asking he respect yours. No "decision" is being made. It's put on hold.
He could very well want another once Liam is in school, or when his behaviors settle. I say "when" because I do believe they will. It's just going to take a while for everyone to figure him out.
Okay, NOW I feel like I communicated more effectively.
Christmas is something I'd like to be able to pay out of pocket without using credit cards. Last year went completely overboard, which I was fine with, but we used a credit card. The year before was so much better as I'd made a Christmas savings, and we didn't have nearly the struggle after. I just want the holiday to come and go without stress and post-spending regret. I think... I think, think, think we can pull it off. It depends on if another appliance dies.
I know if I say, "I can't see what else could go!" it will, so I won't say that. But, since moving two years ago the stove top died, the washer died, the dryer died, the water pump needed replacing, the septic system completely backed up into the house, and recently the refrigerator died. The heating system was fairly new, so I think that's okay. Any major things, I think are okay. I hope so anyway. Cole's car is the thing I'm expecting to go suddenly and without warning. That's going to cause tears.
I dunno what to do for dinner tonight. /random. Maybe a French toast bake with sausage? That sounds nice and healthy. >_>;;;
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Jaz
Death warmed over
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07-30-2016, 01:25 PM
I am praying I get the HIPPY service. It is through a place called Americorp so I wouldn't actually be working for Catholic Charities. I am nervous because I procrastinated the last item what was suppose to be a few hours and I wound up waiting until the final day. And because I wasn't intending to wait long I don't remember the actual time cut off for it so I posted it as soon as I remembered which was nearly 2pm yesterday. I keep thinking they said we had until 5pm on Friday but I didn't write that part so I am freaking it was 2PM which makes me look like the worst kind of procrastinator... It being in on Friday was bad enough because it was the last possible day, so I.am super nervous.
Ironically, now that Dillon and I have been able to talk a lot of the concerns out that I had expressed to her, were not actual issues because this all happened when Dillon wasn't talking about any of it... So her views on what and why Dill's lack of feeling was all that mattered are null and void now that I got him to open up. I got so angry with what my friend had said I pretty much told her well his body is his and mine is mine if he forced his decision on me I always have the option to leave him. Which really isn't my actual sentiment just how angry I got with him because she was speaking for him in his absense essentially.
We have actually talked now obviously and aside from misunderstanding about the surgery we are both at a minor impass for now. Which is perfect honestly I don't want another baby right now, the idea terrifies me. The only thing that hasn't happened is a long term birth control plan because I am trying to be very cautious about what it could do to my body. Hormones and I are not good bed fellows... and non hormonal implants look like midevil torture devices and are made out of some scary materials, but that too is in the works.
Dillon was upset that I wasn't completely clear about my indecision, and worried that had he not picked up on my angry ques yesterday he may have gone through with it to have me blistering angry with him. He doesn't want either of us to make life descisions that would jeapordize our relationship. I agree but I failed at expressing my feelings properly, I do that more then I don't most days...
Pending getting Liam's doctor to sign the darn OT waiver we are looking into a home based OT for at least Liam to begin, Sean is doing well so far with OT he has at the office we go to. The home based care would be a million times better for all of us, Liam is exhausting to everyone near him, and his current OT seems only to amplify it. Then school for him will start this time next year. The same year as Ellie's first year of kindergarten. O.o so it's not like that is far off and funny enough that thought brings the thought then two years of seperate schools and they can all be in the same school on the same schedule and shortly there after Mikes will be learning to drive the idea of some independence on everyones part is almost like a crazy fantasy I never thought would come true! See, this is why I struggle so much, I see so many amazing posibilities in our near future. But I also see what could be in other ways too so what is an addional two years driving to two different schools and putting off career goals... its rediculous but thats my mind for you...
Christmas is going to be much subdued here we have one available credit card and I can't afford to add it's payments to the mix. If I get this job I thinknI will put 10-20% of it into Christmas and that will be it. The rest needs to do towards our debts and other bills to ease some of the struggles.
I know the feeling of waiting for items to go, though we haven't really done a whole lot on our house so I KNOW something will happen. Our furnice blower went out 2 years ago? And we had help getting it fixed though leap thank goodness. My washer has gone out 3-4 times? And is currently needing to be put through an additional rinse cycle because the rince on the actual wash cycle isn't filling or agitating. Our stove/oven have something wrong with them (and it is only 6 years old) it errors and cannot be sut off without unplugging it. My fridge is fine other then having lost (to breaking) a drawer and a door shelf and we also need to have a baby lock on it to ensure is stays closed tight. All of the appliances mentioned above have been purchased within the last 6 years. It is annoying that things just don't last.
French toast bake sounds really good, we had baked potatos and salad last night no idea what tonight probably sloppy joes since the meat is already thawed.
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Chi
Dancing to her own beat..
Penpal
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07-30-2016, 11:03 PM
Yeah, I was jealous of the potato photo. It looked freaking amazing! ;D I did indeed make the French toast bake tonight. It was good. I diced up ham for a protein and we called it dinner. We were out all day on a play date so she got to bed about an hour after routine. I've been putzing on phone stuff since. Trying to decide if I want to watch a movie or just continue putzing with my phone. The weekend's gone by too quickly again, and my work week is full tilt this week. Meh. I'm discharging one family, so that's part of why it's going to be so long. The week after will either be shorter or I'll get a lot of overtime... not sure which just yet.
I'm glad you guys were able to talk and smooth it out. It still irks me your friend did all that. Dx *sigh*
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Jaz
Death warmed over
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07-30-2016, 11:25 PM
The potato was great the chives came from my garden :) Liam ate a half a potato and a fair sized salad then asked my for mine (the one pictured) so I gave him half of that and ge didn't touch it :'( Food has been a melt down factor with Liam, oh by. 5:30-6AM I am woke up with him grabbing my face and chanting "cereal" he often asks for seconds by 7AM, 9AM and he is screaming for a snack, he finishes his snack and he is screaming for more. Lunch timenis AT 11:30 NO LATER or there will be a melt down of intense proportions. The moment his eyes open he needs a snack if dinner isn't AT 5PM he will melt down... it's insane and he usually eats pretty well at all the meals too!
Dill has 7 hours of overtime this week, he opted to take a shoft yesterday after a call of. Hopefully the bosses don't mess with his schedule because we could REALLY use the extra right now! Edit: So they shifted his schedule he is off tomorrow. :/ he just neglected to tell.
I am suppose to go watch a movie, I have an hour and a half until bedtime then I will likely mess around on FF... though I may cut it short of I get too bored because the event is causing lag and just knit and watch TV. I putz on my phone entirely too much!
Last edited by Jaz; 07-31-2016 at 02:39 AM..
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Chi
Dancing to her own beat..
Penpal
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07-31-2016, 10:22 AM
I ended up watching "Room" last night. Holy crap. It was a good movie, but for the first hour I felt an extreme sense of anxiety. x_x Really good though. I love having access to a ton of free movies through Amazon Prime.
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Jaz
Death warmed over
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08-01-2016, 01:21 AM
I have spent all day either fuming or crying today. What a mess. I haven't showered or gotten out of pj's. All because friends I haven't seen in 6 months to a year asked to come over today and then cancelled on us this morning. I really enjoy my kidless friends and for once I was really anticipating a visit. Because both my old friend and I both have husbands in the same job on polar opposite shifts we don't see each other really at all. I use to consider her one of my best friends, but more recently (like the last 5 years recently) I have noticed if I say I am planning on doing something, she will ask me "well when is Dillon going to ..." and I started dwelling on that, I hate that his family and friends seem to think I am somehow holding him back. I wish the realized I have next to tried to boot him out the door but I can't hold his hand and force him to write his name on an application or fill out his FASFA and college schedule for him. He is a big boy ans wears his own big boy pants when he is ready is the only time he will do something. But I dwelled so hard on this fact about our mutual male friends in particular but in this case our mutual female friend and really at least not verbally to me not her husband. I also dwelled on the fact that this is the second or 3rd time they are too busy to hang out which baffles my mind when I am somehow balancing 4 kids a husband, his job and myself and still try to find time to socialize (granted one an extreme introvert type of way) but this couple with no kids can't. So anyhow they asked to reschedule until Wed which made me so angry, it takes so much for me to psyche up for a visitor and I really wanted to see them but I had to build this up for myself so it was a complete let down. I only finally caved and ok'd the visit for Wed at 6pm and we found out early this morning after my friend got off his graveyard probably like 7AM... I hate how I internalize things and twist them into serious ugliness of my own design. I am sure anyone on the outside probably thinks I am being spoiled or bratty, but the reality for what it takes for me to have people over is almost a painful process. This was all made worse by another friend blowing me off when I invited her earlier this week to hang out and losing the time when Dillon has his brother over for me to soak up a little solitude because Dillon fell asleep after it taking an hoir to get Liam down. So it was too late to get that quietness and I opted just to go to bed.
This was made so much worse by my facebook feed. People are so ugly during elections, so nasty to each other for very freaking person choices. I understand attacking a wonky policy, or something that a candidate says/does that isn't sitting right, but there is constant attacks on characters of the people chosing one side or another. "All Hillary supports should try the plastic bag challenge" "If you support Trump you a mysogenist hillbilly" "Bernie Sanders supporters are to stupid to realize..." the constant flooding depresses the crap out of me. Policy, experience, and in my heart best for me wise I know who I am voting for as it stands. The school yard bullying between people voting just pisses me off people's property being vandolized just everything... and it was extra awful today because I was already struggling. So I decided to try to incorporate something I always swear I don't have time for whenever I catch myself on facebook. I have to read 10 minutes from a physical book. Something I haven't done since Sean was tiny. Teeny tiny. Today I have read well over an hour and I found when I got the urge to go to facebook I could easily set down my phone to read more. It was kind of nice. Ironically the book of choice was "Hands Free Mama" which is about being mindful and dropping the phone and to-do list for more meaningful moments actually living life.
It is almost time for the big kids to get to bed and I will likely play some video games tonight. I wasted nearly a whole day off on my moodiness and my bed sheets are now in the wash so I have to stay up lobg enough to get them finished (and to shower cause gross)
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Chi
Dancing to her own beat..
Penpal
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08-01-2016, 11:48 AM
Facebook is absolutely awful right now. If most of the political crap wasn't coming from family I'd wipe out all the negative energy in a heartbeat. It's draining, and you're right... It should be stepped away from in order to keep happier. I find myself wishing for November, and then frightened all the same. At the end of the day I think we're screwed no matter what.
I'm sorry company bailed on you last moment. Not good. :(
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Jaz
Death warmed over
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08-01-2016, 12:25 PM
I have noticed something weird though, people referred to both democratic parties by thier first names. This hits two different areas, familiarity which implies closeness and personability towards the candidate but also disrespect for anyone who grew up calling their elders/ respected adults Mr/Ms/Mrs ____. I am kind of wondering why though you don't hear people calling Obama by his first name unless it is with his last name and Bernie and Hillary are both fairly common when used out of context. /random observation
I did pretty well being mindful of facebook this morning, I did use it as it is a source of much of my information for yarn groups etc, I put my phone down as soon as Liam came down and tried to stay in the moment with him which was quickly interupted by "cereal cereal CEREAL!!!" chants. Lol and that was quickly interupted by "cuddle me" requests. I have a full day today so being present shouldn't be too hard.
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