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Old 08-09-2016, 11:30 PM

I am so sorry it was horrible :/ if you need an ear you know how to get in touch...

We have had mostly good news today, though my anxiety is high from having to cancel OT through one office and going to another. I like Liam's OT but she just wasn't answering for our needs at home so I am joping home health will help. I have him hopefully on a hold and waiting list here (at the ot with Sean, we aren't transferring him) to start back in a few months. I don't know why I am stressing out, I think OT is doing great for some of Liam's stuff but some we are just not seeing an improvement at all in fact quite the opposite... This is again insurance stuff, we are restricted because they are both "the same service" but not in so many ways!

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Old 08-10-2016, 05:50 PM

I am really sorry Chi. I am hoping things start getting better... for all of us.

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Old 08-10-2016, 06:58 PM

I find myself hoping they try the spaceboard with him. I think once you're able to do specific balances of light work, heavy work, and vestibular stuff on a schedule of every 2 hours, you'll see a change. Or, I'm sure hoping so. :(

I'll let you know Friday. In the meantime I've been coaxing him to ask questions. Right now it looks like everything's going to be dropped. Bleh.

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Old 08-10-2016, 08:37 PM

Hmm I didn't realize my post had actually been posted yesterday. I checked both on my phone and computer. Hence the double post...

We met the new OT yesterday, and we did a PT eval today. He does have some concerns but I opted out of PT because OT will crossover a lot of his core issues. He is apparently flat footed too so we will need to look for arched shoes for him.

I am feeling pretty defeated today, I can't get out of my own head. Dillon was suppose to be off today, and he got called in, again for a late night shift. :/ I am fairly certain this new boss is doing this on purpose. She only schedules him for 32 hours and then someone who shouldn't have a job at this point calls off, and he HAS TO take the shift because we are drowning financially. So not only is she schedulingnpretty much every day as a 2-10pm she is making it impossible for himnto turn down shifts other people drop on a hat and they aren't getting repremanded for it because he is covering. He seemed like he was looking into another job but we are running into lack of money offered or similar or worse on hours... so I keep thinking I need to go back to work, but there is more issue with that. How on gods green earth am I suppose to attend all of these different specialty appointments drop and pick up from school and bus. I just don't think it is possible with a 9-5 type job. I don't have family support, I don't have enough money..

I am being excessively self defeating today. There is a WIC Educator position available and the thought of applying makes me physically ill. I know somewhere deep in my heart that I can manage but the repeated denials for jobs that are better then minimum are just killing me... I am paralyzed by the thought of going through weeks or more of anxiety and then being let down. I really should apply it is so much physically for me to apply, and after still being depressed over the HIPPY thing I doubt I could do better at another interview... Honestly... I get so sick of this ifs and buts back and forth in my head.

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Old 08-10-2016, 10:39 PM

Living in the negatives and the "can't"s will make it a certainty that you can't. It may be that you apply, interview, and don't get the job again, but you can practice and let us support you in trying. It's not easy. And anxiety is a freaking nightmare. A nightmare. I hate it. It causes such pain and inaction and fear. Mine's gotten a lot better over the years, but it's still there. Massively. I got asked to teach a college course and was like, "WTF? dfkadslhjsdahf!!"

I'm trying to push myself into doing it, to challenge myself.

Going back to work isn't worth it if the costs of child care outweigh the financial benefits. It's that same maddening cycle where our country doesn't give a supported structure for people TO comfortably go back to work. It's not about a lack of want. It's about sensibility.

Blegh... :(

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Old 08-10-2016, 11:07 PM

That lack is what holds me up most often. I sit and think, how practical is it for me to work 40 ish hours if U were to get the job at say WIC. That is 40 hours of toddler care until Liam can start school next year. Then how many hours of drop in care for the younger kids while I work on their weeks off. It is all so impractical. With this job I would be making well over what Dill is but being paid once a month. We would likely lose most if not all of my benefits I am pretty sure. Not that is. Bad thing but it would be something I need to account for and I have never really been fully prepared to do all of that on my own. Shopping smart is something I was not really taught aside from "buy generic it is cheaper" and insurance that scares the living tar out of me. I don't understand why programs like this... SNAP and medicaid don't have some kind of option to teach trasitioning into these rolls. Heck why a high school or college don't teach about money management and the impact of loans and stuff..

I am being horribly negative today I wish there was something more to it but I am just super angry, bitter, frustrated, depressed and feeling so alone it is painful. I woke up sour, Liam is letting me get so little sleep because Elizabeth is sleeping in his bed so he climbs in mine and beats me all night. Then I tried to shower and wound up moping and self doubting myself into a stuper. Then Dill got the call to "pick up hours" they just opted him not to have a full schedule because they "had a call off" who is likely the same person who called off last week... It is just depressing... and I have been pretty much been on the down hill since...

Liam has OT twice a week now starting next week. They want to start him spinning because he doesn't react to the motion right. None of my little ones do they said but Liam is the one being seen. It can be calming in some kids and he was calm while it was happening but it can also be the opposite but it is suppose to be long lasting either way. We didn't see too much change in him last night up or down. He more or less just was himself...

Well I bit my lip and printed out the application at least... It is due the 16th so I am going to put a time limit on it of Monday or bust....

Last edited by Jaz; 08-11-2016 at 02:41 AM..

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Old 08-12-2016, 01:26 AM

I'm gonna keep fingers and toes crossed for you with the application. Try to frame it in your mind as practice, and if you're offered the job, you don't have to accept it unless it's a good fit and will work for what you guys need. <3

Ugh, long day was long. I have to get a little bit of paperwork done, but I may say screw it and go to bed. I'm wiped.

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Old 08-12-2016, 02:14 AM

I hope you can get some rest and rejuvenation. I agree... Long day... And it just got longer at least here. Liam is obsessed with his hands in diaper and just peed all ove the sheets I JUST washed today... ugh

I will try to keep the practice thing in mind.

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Old 08-12-2016, 12:11 PM

I'm not going to work today as Cole woke up sicker than a dog. I've been off kilter during the week, so I'm just doing my paperwork. It's almost done, too, so yay. In the next hour I should have everything done-done. We were supposed to have company over (Terra and me), but with Cole sick I guess I'll see if they're up for a visit over there instead.

If not, I'll set her off running outside under the sprinkler while I chill. XD

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Old 08-12-2016, 07:17 PM

Sounds like a good day. We went on a massive run about yesterday and today. Parent teacher conferences, banking, Sean has already lost his math book >:/ and school hasn't even started yet, Library, groceries, med pick up back to the boys school to ask about the book and drop off a month's supply of meds (still missing the book) and now I am sitting down to pay bills that we are short for... Fun times! >.>;

I hope Cole feels better quickly (and that you guys avoid catching it) but at least it gave you a day of respite/ catch up. Hope the evening is fun either way! We are just going to relax (ha!) as Dill has another 2-10 tonight... :/

Tomorrow is our 10 year anniversary (together not married) and Dillon has the day off. Not sure that really matters because we are broke but there you have it.

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Old 08-12-2016, 09:20 PM

I managed to get every bit of paperwork done, including my payroll, so I have nothing to do for work until Tuesday. I have some sort of meeting on Monday but I don't consider that work. I am so, so, so stoked for it! I'm going to get some cleaning done and sort through my work station upstairs.

Cole's not made it to work. He's definitely sick-sick, so Terra and I are sleeping upstairs. X_x We didn't end up having the play date, but it's been rescheduled for tomorrow, so that's the good part! Wish my period were done, though. Her friend lives with a lake right in the backyard!

Oh, happy 10 years!! <333 It matters because you guys have overcome SO much together and you're still dedicated to making life work hand-in-hand.

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Old 08-12-2016, 10:32 PM

Thanks, I am thinking we may look at taking a drive or having someone take the kids.... Not sure who we can bribe, my sister has plans. So it has to be Dill's family. It's silly but I want to do something that relaxes me but it's work so it will likely make Dillon cranky. I would love to garden a bit and work on the yard. It is my favorite thing to do even though it is work... honestly I just want time with just me and Dillon. I am trying to get the main rooms of the house together, for multiple reasons honestly, but a main reason is to have it together tomorrow with at least the main sections of the house being together. I am about halfway through dishes (pre-dinner still), but counters and dry goods from groceries need attention as does the floor (I hate sweeping and mopping) the living room shouldn't take long it will just be annoying because Liam dumped the cut straws for beading all over the couch and floor :/ then it is just our bedroom which needs touch up so the kitchen will be the hardest.

Get some caution tape for Cole... "Under Quarentine!" LOL I hate sickness. Its getting to be that wonderful time again :( hope he feels better quickly!!!

Yay for work being done and good luck with cleaning!!!

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Old 08-12-2016, 10:44 PM

The phone call we were waiting for was weird, but he pushed for it to continue as they'd said it would, so it is. Finally. We just have to wait for lawyers to duke it out, which could be several more months. Still, they will do it, so that's all that matters. x_x

There's so much "house crap" that needs doing here. I worry I'll never get to it. Ever. ;_;

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Old 08-13-2016, 02:18 PM

There is always house crap :/ I feel like that all the time.

Sounds like the call was at least neutral not horrible?

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Old 08-14-2016, 01:55 PM

Yeah... all we do now is wait. I don't expect to know anything until 2017. At some point he goes to the state board, but I really don't think anything bad will happen there.

How's stuff going over there?

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Old 08-14-2016, 02:40 PM

It's going alright. I have some goals to accomplish today before school is back in session and hopefully reward myself for good work with a nice family trip to the river walk!

I am currently trying to but together a bedroom clean up guide for Ellie. Which as most things with me is taking longer then I originally anticipated. I also want to work on a chart for day-to-day stuff for Liam but his is going to be more complicated I need to put together Sean's as well. Readers are so much easier then pre/non readers... LOL.

I also have my resume/ cover letter and application on the list so I need to get my butt in gear. Mikes is helping me with dishes which is immense help.

Tomorrow Liam starts his new OT! I am really hoping it works out!

Oh and yesterday was so much fun! We got almost 5 hours to ourselves, we watched Deadpool (ironically this is what we did for our wedding anniversary too, but in theaters) at home, went to dinner (my mother in law gave us a $25 gift card to Applebees, she says that us getting together is one of the the only good things that happened in August, she has lost a lot of people in this month, just lots of bad stuff), then we went for a 30 minute pokewalk at the river walk cause we are still kids at heart lol... I am glad we got to spend some time together we rarely get any time away from the kids where I am not rushing to get back from fear... My mother in law and sister in law watched them all so they got to play with their cousin which was nice for them but they are FILTHY today. We got home way (well an hour) past bed so I just let them sleep in their dirt :/ baths will be major needs tonight!

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Old 08-14-2016, 03:46 PM

At some point I need to roll Terra into the tub and get out long enough to get a small amount of groceries. I don't know where I want to go, though. Could go out of town to go to Walmart, or stay in town and have fewer options. Hrm...

I'm glad you guys got out, more so that you had a good time!! <333

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Old 08-16-2016, 05:14 PM

We really had a good time we only get to be human (nonparent) 1-2 times a year and I am fairly certain this a good deal of our issues because we are alway on overheat.

So school started yesterday and Liam is having adjustment issues to not having Mikes home. :( today was better then yesterday so hopefully it will ease quickly. Ellie however is soaking up not having her older brothers around. She and Liam played for 3 hours straight yesterday with no fighting!! It was amazing and makes me winder what they are doing to increase the tension between everyone when they are home.

I turned in my application today. We'll see how this goes. I showed up at the hunab resource office out of breath because I took the stairs ti the third floor and I have a habit if jogging up stairs. <.< hopefully I didn't look too weird. I don't have the greatest feeling about this as I added my sister in law as an employer other wise I don't make the 2 years experience in the last 8 years because my last job was just a littke less then a year and the job before that was less then a year and I was let go from. So I listed my sister in law to boost that, probably not the best looking back on it but target was 11 years ago. I started questioning whether I should apply for a seasonal job in retail... I. HATE. RETAIL. but if I apply at JoAnne's or some place in the mall that doesn't stay ope really late (well 10pm but still not horrible) maybe I could manage to knock some of my worst jobs off my application and work 2 years part time or something. Meh.

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Old 08-17-2016, 09:43 AM

Regardless of what happens, you got the application in like you said you would. It's a great thing!!

Not much has been going on here. Work tends to be ridiculous Mon-Fri. I ended up not having to work this Monday, save for a meeting, and that was lovely. Yesterday was long, and today and tomorrow are too. Friday is a meeting day with a possible shorter shift with a client. Dunno yet. I'm just tired, and I want to sleep like 12 hours. >.>

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Old 08-17-2016, 01:27 PM

That sounds so nice. I could do with 12 hours of sleep if there was no Liam interupting it. When he invades my bed I sleep so terribly. He is roudy and rough even sleeping though less so then his older siblings... i think I have just come to the point where I want my bed to be mine so I can rest soundly :P and kids in my bed prevent sound sleeping.

I don't know how you manage you schedule sometimes. The idda of working even 4 hours terrifies me, much less being nonstop for days. I know you get home and stuff but it seems so intense. Long hours and work even at home. Hope that the day is easy enough though.

I know it is only day three but the new school year schedule is killing me. Not to mention the sheer cost of everything. I started writing two letters last night and both dredge on and i haven't gotten all my points across yet. I suck at communicating. I wound up penning a short explaination of why Sean doesn't have all his supplies yet but I hate it because I am angry that they demand supplys that take up a whole paycheck. And I do mean demand. I sent one of each item except printer paper, tissue, and expo markers because we ran out of money. And we got a list saying to send 3 more boxes of crayons markers and tissue. I mean as much as I wish slicing my veins produced money it simply doesn't and you can't bleed a turnip. Schedules are all screwy still and I feel stretched too thin already. I always wonder why I do these things to myself. The boys extra curriculars, all the OT appts (3 a week between two boys), counciling for Sean, parents as teachers, the woman who helps us with Liam's behaviors, HIPPY will be starting up again soon... most these are weekly and it is overwhelming. I keep wondering how in the world i can do the best for each of my kiddos while at some point in time finding a career where I can do my best for them. The idea sounds utterly exhausting.

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Old 08-18-2016, 11:43 AM

I don't know if I can do it long-term, but I think I can do it another year or two until I see if there are other opportunities where I'm currently working. If I could get off my butt and look into private practice, I'd have more options. I think I hesitate because I DO love where I work. I just wish I could do a little more variety, because I'm exhausted. Sometimes I think I'd be exhausted no matter what I do. That's also a possibility. At least it's almost September, and in two more months I should be able to see what health insurance options there are.

I never understood the "demand" behind school supplies. Terra's school hasn't ever asked. They do a lot of fundraising stuff, but they've not yet asked families to supply stuff. They are aware that resources are thin. I'm going to try to be a PTO member this year, depending on how many times they meet. If it's just once a month, I'd love to. If it's more than that I don't think I actually could. The most active parents won't be active this year because their children graduated, so..

And for a school with like 35 children, it's a big deal. :\

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Old 08-19-2016, 12:32 PM

I worry about never being content in a job. I know the saying "no one likes their job, that is why you get paid to do it" but I just feel like there has to be something I would at least be good at and somewhat content with. It seems like all the jobs I have ever had made me so miserable... Or maybe if parenting could be a paid job :P I mean there are definately times it makes me miserable, but I am very content doing it most days.

The school supplies thing I just don't get, at least not to the extent of having parents supply printing paper and pens and highlighters for the teachers and office staff and glue and crayons for all of the students. I am fine sending certain supplies for the kids I mean they use stuff and should have to supply, but we have so many different schools in our district that don't require any supplies (Ellie's and my neice's being two) and just request donations of things like tissues and saniwipes for cleaning. There are others still that have minimal supply lists then there is the boys school, which is a charter but run by the district and that have two columned full page of demands and that doesn't include their uniforms which changed last minute after I bought Mikes the new uniform (navy polo and kakhi pants rather then light blue polo and navy pants) for middle school and they sent a letter saying that 6th graders (who are still elementary at this school but were wearing middle school uniforms still) would be wearing elementary uniforms instead. Less then a month before school they send these letters out. It is sooo frustrating.

I would love to be part of their version of PTO but for parents of low income with younger siblings at home it is next to impossible... My bracket is so under reprepresented in these areas because young children cannot attend the meetings with parents which I do mostly understand but lets be realistic, who can afford an extra day of daycare or a day off even for those who work particually because they are generally working the evening and weekend shifts when these things take place.

I don't know if you have read all of what I have shared about our local school district but it is pretty broken. We forced a good head admin out of her seat who has made positive changes, then gave her severence pay. Then we hire an asst. Head admin before ever even replacing our head who generally picks the asst their self. Said Asst is crooked I mean REALLY crooked, having some nasty history in the their education career past as well and personal past nasties like refusing to pay child support. And our district say when all the parents are in an uproar "lets hear his side of the story" now wait, what part do you want to hear, you have the statistic showing drastic decrease in test scores and financial stability in his previous positions. You have his public records for child support. No, you dkn't need to hear his side of the story you have facts. You aren't going to be going and asking students, staff and parents about his previous jobs are you? Or his ex about the support, why do you want his side if you aren't getting all sides?

Edit: I just got testing information for the WIC educator position. I figured my application would be dropped right away. Just practice right? Lol trying not to panic.

Last edited by Jaz; 08-19-2016 at 01:27 PM..

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Old 08-20-2016, 01:11 PM

I'm fortunate that I believe our PTO allows kids to go. If it didn't, I'd not be considering it. I may not be able to anyway due to work itself. Everything is up in the air right now. Cole's current traveling contract expires in October, and the next place may be four hours away. If it is, I won't be able to work Mondays or Fridays (in terms of billable hours, anyway). He'd not be able to get her from school, which means I'd likely have to go part-time for a while. I'm okay with this, I think. I'd like to see what raise I got. I got a really glowing review that I didn't deserve. That might sound a bit defeatist, but I am so, so, SO behind on paperwork all the time. My supervisor said in comparison to others, I do well. I'm like, "WTF are the others doing?! X_x"

Anyway, yeah. Two year review went well. I do know that keeping part-time doesn't affect tenure. Tenure is what I want to keep expanding as the vacation time gets better the longer you're there. One of my coworkers has been there nine years and has five weeks of vacation a year. That sounds absolutely lovely! I don't know if I got a vacation increase now, or if I get one next year at the 3-year mark.

I feel like you'd rock at becoming a licensed daycare provider in the home. I think that jobs do exist that are good. Mine isn't perfect, but when I'm out and about, I love it.

I'm excited that you got called in for more testing! ^____^

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Old 08-20-2016, 01:42 PM

You are awesome, you work so hard all the time! I am fairly certain you deserved the raise! It makes me scared and sad to hear how much you struggle. You are the epitome of what the country labels as successful average people. You have your degrees, you have decent jobs and yet you struggle just as much as people like me who have no degree or an associates. It just baffles me and makes me inclined to encourage Michael to do the trade skill he wants rather then go to university. He wants to be a machanic a good 7am-6pm job that pays well despite working Saturdays in some shops. That is better then my min wage degree or Dill's "can't get a job with no degree" but also can't get a job with a degree nonsense. Kroger won't hire those with a degree because they usually want more money <.<; it is rather frustrating... Anyhow I am very glad your review went so well!

Maybe someday I will run a daycare, when the kids are all old enough not to count as part of my count. Mikes already is, I think the age is 10 for home care so Sean has two more years Ellie a little over 5 and Liam a little over 7 if I am right and it is 10... maybe it's 8... I honestly can't remember.

I did ok on they typing test, I got 34 wpm but I was getting 47 during my practice so I know it was partially my nerves that reduced the number. It is better then the last time I tested there I only got the bare minimum for the job at 30 wpm. Not sure on the written test because well I didn't grade it, I felt totally dumb trying to do the math and spelling portions, more spelling then math, the math was just me being slow to dredge up how to do simple measuring, fractions, adding and subtracting multiplication and division. The spelling though was pick the right spelling and lets just say spelling is not my strong suit. I misspell one of the words on the test pretty much daily and I know I do, so I know I got that one right because I picked the way I don't normally spell it but others i sat and stared at forever! We'll see though, if I get in for the interview which I am more positive about now, I have to keep my head about me. I bought some nice interview clothes so I can actually do an interview without worrying too much this time, but my anxiety drives me crazy. I used like 30 remedies for easing anxiety when it onsets yesterday and they did help but it was still there.

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Old 08-20-2016, 04:58 PM

I feel that, if the country had actually affordable healthcare, we wouldn't be struggling. I don't know, though. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have taken out any student loans. (Though, I also don't know how I could have gone to school if I hadn't... hrm.) I think things will change over the years, but I completely agree with Michael's idea of trade skills. I do feel that I'm not the big picture representation, though. I sure hope I'm not, but I know many do struggle when by all rights they shouldn't.

It's wholly possible that in October/November, the new medical plans will be good. >.>

Keep chugging... It WILL get better. ;_; Keep utilizing those techniques to reduce anxiety and keep pushing. You've got this!!

 


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