Thread Tools

Harvard Mint
Dead Account Holder
579.18
Harvard Mint is offline
 
#1
Old 05-30-2007, 04:18 AM

ummm i am writing a simple poem and just wanted to see if you like

once in heaven lived a angel
she was nice and very thoughtful
she went to earth and blessed the planet
for the love and balance of the elements
:oops:
i know it sounds weird and written by a novice but i wanted the see what you thought of it. i want to write better so suggestions will be very helpful.

The Mouse
⊙ω⊙
193.57
The Mouse is offline
 
#2
Old 05-30-2007, 06:46 AM

If this was supposed to rhyme, your rhyme scheme could use some work. Maybe try to broaden your vocabulary a little, to show some depth. And it could stand to be a little longer.

You know, I bet more people would see this if you posted in the Literary Forum. It's down near the bottom of the Forum page. ^_^

trinxie
⊙ω⊙
486.87
trinxie is offline
 
#3
Old 05-30-2007, 12:12 PM

quite a narrative poem you have there
would you like to add more figurative language to it?
what's the message to your poem?

Harvard Mint
Dead Account Holder
579.18
Harvard Mint is offline
 
#4
Old 05-30-2007, 03:04 PM

thanks that was a lot of help. i guess i really need help in vocab. :oops:

angeloffire
Dead Account Holder
n/a
2568.73
angeloffire is offline
 
#5
Old 06-09-2007, 04:05 PM

Maybe you should try writing a poem with a different subject.

SonyTwilight
⊙ω⊙
1.11
Send a message via MSN to SonyTwilight
SonyTwilight is offline
 
#6
Old 06-11-2007, 12:40 AM

Quote:
once in heaven lived a angel
she was nice and very thoughtful
she went to earth and blessed the planet
for the love and balance of the elements
inconsistent audience. how about use a word that is more advanced than "nice"? how about a different word than "lived"? how about you describe "angel" instead of just giving it to us? how about you add more details? how about if you want to write such a dumbed down poem, not use the word "elements"? How about you consider your audience? How about make your last line fit the meter? how about aim for perfect rhymes?

sorry if that seemed to harsh. i'm very critical XDD

kiarakiara
ʘ‿ʘ
Banned
0.00
kiarakiara is offline
 
#7
Old 06-11-2007, 09:17 PM

Sieriously no offence worst poem I've ever read.

 


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

 
Forum Jump

no new posts