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Peprika
The Cannibal
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#1
Old 06-02-2007, 10:05 PM

Here is one of my many poems, you are more then welcome to critque, tell me what you like and don't like about my poems and then post some of your own. I'd love to hear how to improve my work.

Hidden
You look around and see her
Black hair beautiful brown eyes
You look around and see her
But never answer to her crys

Looking around so happy, so chipper, so sweet
You'd never guess she's dying inside
Choking,gagging,falling to her feet
She would never admit defeat

Sitting alone on the other side of the room,
Sweeping away her sorrows with an old broken broom
Wiping her eyes and seeing the light
Settle her down from those cold scary nights

Although she is broken
and tattered inside
she hides it well
from the naked eye

What do you think? I also write stories too and have some of those to post as well.

Harvard Mint
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#2
Old 06-03-2007, 03:49 AM

i love your poems! you write great! you should post some more up. I don't really think you nee improvement. i know you do but i just don't know what it is. it seems to be missing something. still it is very very good. :D

Peprika
The Cannibal
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#3
Old 06-03-2007, 05:06 AM

Here is another, I think I'm gonna call it Alone

Her heart was broken like shards of glass,
Never to be loved, always chosen, last,
And then there came one who made her feel good,
Made her feel loved and not misunderstood,
For months she was happy and finally free,
of her terrible, heart staking memories,
And then it happened all over again,
Her heart was torn from her chest right then,
It was crushed, it was burned it, it was ripped, it was blown away,
She decided right then not to love again or stay,
She built up barriers and she built walls,
and then she never again let them fall.

Peprika
The Cannibal
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#4
Old 06-04-2007, 04:43 AM

This is chapter one of Tsuki High...I stopped writing because people didn't seem interesting, I have chapter two but that is it, tell me what you think and if I should continue the story.

Tsuki High Chapter One
Annah woke up to her mother shaking her “Get up or you’re going to be late.” She ran quickly dressed and grabbed the brush of the night stand, and ran down stairs snatching her book bag off the hook and jetting out the door, brushing her hair on the way out. She threw her bag over her shoulder and quickly ran to school. “Shit, I can’t mess up my perfect attendance.” She ran up the stairs to the high school and stopped when she saw Tristan, “Why the hell didn’t get me for school this morning?!” “I did, or I tried, your mom said you were sleeping so, I just left, I didn’t wanna mess up my perfect attendance.” Annah just rolled her eyes and pushed the heavy metal doors open. “Bleh another day at Tsuki High.” He shrugged and followed her in the door. There wasn’t a soul in the halls, which mad her glance at her black digital watch, “Crap we’re so gonna be late.” She grabbed his arm and hastily started running. “Where are we going Annah?”
”Home room, we have about 10 minutes to get there before our perfect record goes down the drain.” “And that means no more Law and Order?” “Exactly.” “Damn.” He shook his head, still being dragged down the hall. They slipped into the classroom a few seconds before the bell rang. They threw a greeting to their friends Cassie, Leah, Rayne, Sage, Mina, and Aiden, and then they quickly sat in they’re seats. Mrs. Lavender slapped her pointer on her desk and sighed “Annah and Tristan, yall barely made it to class, thanks for joining us.” They nodded and looked at each other shrugging. Class went by pretty swiftly, the morning announcements, some information on a term paper and then they were out. Thank God all of their lockers are next to each others, they threw a few papers in and used the rest of their time to talk. "Hey guys, I say we eat lunch in the AV room, I brought Checkers and Dominoes,” Tristan nodded “Yeah and I brought Chess.” They all shrugged and agreed on meeting in the AV room. “Hey guys, keep your Sidekicks on!” Cassie yelled from the other end of the hall, she was on her way to Science class so she had no time to chat. They flashed a fist to Cassie and she smiled as she stumbled into the Science Lab.

Peprika
The Cannibal
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#5
Old 06-04-2007, 04:48 AM

Tsuki High Chapter Two
“I wish History didn’t take so long, as if Mr. Daniels wasn’t boring enough.” She looked over at Tristan and Rayne, who were staring into the blackboard as if they had spaced out. “Having most of my classes with Tristan really helps” she said smiling at him, “Hell, we’ve known each other forever now, or that’s what is seems like.” Annah sighed, making little doodles on her desk and now staring into space herself. “Annah! Annah!
Annah get up damn you!” she jumped from her desk “Yes Abe lived in a log cabin.” Rayne shook her head and sighed. “Did you even take notes?” “Notes on what?” “Never mind, I’ll just let you use mine, now come on we’re gonna be late for lunch.”

Rayne and Annah made it to the lockers and snatched their lunches from inside. “What are you having for lunch?” “Eh just celery, don’t wanna mess up my braces with PB and J.” Annah giggled, I’m having a tomato sandwich and maybe a soda?” Rayne stared at her watched and sighed, come on Annah, I’m sure Aiden and the gang is waiting on us. When Rayne and Annah had gotten into the room, Sage, Tristan, Aiden were playing dominoes and Cassie, Leah and Mina were swapping lunch. “I see you finally got here Annah.” Sage said smiling as he laid the piece on the table. “Yeah, yeah I was kind of busy so I got delayed.” “Yeah, busy drooling on your desk.” Tristan teased. “Shut up.” She said giggling and tossing a closed Capri Sun at him. “Thanks for the free drink.” Annah balled up her fist and rolled up her sleeves “Just kidding, just kidding.” He tossed the drink back up to her and went back to his game. “So Mina, Leah, haven’t talked to yall in awhile, the new class schedule is hell.” She tore open her brown paper bag and started to devour her tomato sandwich. “Geeze, are you starving Annah?” Mina put her apple down and watched Annah in amazement. “I’m fine, you know me, just studying like crazy, and we have term papers due soon apparently so I better start studying and writing.” Leah brushed back her hair with her hand, “Anyone up for a game of Chess?” Aiden and Sage ran from the domino table and sat with her at the circular table, “Hell yeah, count me in!” Sage pushed Aiden from the chair and began setting up his men. “I was here first.” Aiden fixed his glasses back on his face and tipped the whole chair. “Don’t ya just love gravity?” he laughed and put the chair right side up. “Stop acting like a bunch of jackasses and someone play with me.” Leah pushed the board to the center of the table, “I’m black, as usual.” Tristan who had been sitting on the floor with Annah and Rayne since the domino game ended started cracking up “Yeah and every time you lose.” Mina slapped Tristan in the back of the head and glared at him. “You can’t even beat Annah.” Annah snapped back in reality “Huh? Wha? Eh? What about me?” “Nothing.” Tristan shook his head and looked at the clock “Come on guys, we’re gonna be late again.” “I wasn’t late the first time.” Cassie informed him, “whatever you know what I mean.” She shrugged and put her trash back in her brown paper bag, “See ya at Textiles and Crafts, Annah and Mina.” She waved the bag in the air and left the room. Mina was the next to leave, following by, Sage and Rayne. Tristan cleaned the AV room and Leah and Aiden put away the chess board. Annah just cleaned up her mess and headed for the door. “I’ll see ya later in Science, Tristan.” He nodded and continued cleaning up. “Annah…that child sure is strange, always in pigtails, always smiling even if the world was ending....and we have one wacky group of friends.” He clicked the lights off and left the AV room.

Peprika
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#6
Old 06-04-2007, 04:52 AM

This is another poem I wrote, as you'll notice they're all depressing...that's the only time I write good poetry.

She
She knows she unattractive,
She has low self esteem,
Everyone says she gorgeous,
But look how her tears stream.

Her friends just want the best for her,
They say it doesn't matter,
Her friends pick her self esteem up,
So she won't end up in the gutter.

She pretends to be happy to make her family proud.
She cried herself a river, she cried herself a lake,
She sobbed inside her pillow so her family wouldn't wake,
Her low self esteem, her unattractiveness looms over her like a cloud.

Then along came someone from oh so long ago,
First they were acquaintances, then they became friends,
And soon she sat there wishing that their friendship would never end,
But then she started to love him but never let it show.

He said to her I love you; you mean the world to me,
I'd die for you if the time ever came,
She wanted to believe him, she made that very clear,
But then she thought about it and knew it couldn't be.

So here she is with her low self esteem,
Looking unattractive,
Still as down as ever,
Crying herself a stream....

Peprika
The Cannibal
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#7
Old 06-05-2007, 05:14 PM

Dang, my poetry must really suck if nobody is reading it x___x

 


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