http://fanfiction.mugglenet.com/view...ze=0&chapter=2

Hermione and Ron moved forward and stopped a few steps behind Harry. None of them spoke for a few minutes, until Harry could not stand the silence any longer. �Can�t you two go anywhere without fighting,� Harry asked irritably.

�You heard us,� Hermione asked hesitantly.

Harry turned to face them, now sitting in the grass. But he could tell from Hermione�s expression that he had not done as good a job wiping his face dry as he had thought. She took a few tentative steps toward him. �I�m fine,� Harry snapped. Hermione recoiled as though snarled at by a vicious dog.

�So who�s looking after me now that Lupin isn�t?�

Harry�s bitter tone made Hermione falter in her response. �Nobody. Who said anybody was watching you,� Ron asked unconvincingly.

�I already said I could hear you! Whoever is out there, you can just go away! Leave me alone!�

A tall woman with brown hair and wearing a jugging suit stepped out from behind the trees. Harry only recognized her as the woman he had nearly bumped into while walking through the trees twenty minutes earlier. As she walked across the clearing her head transfigured to the first time Harry had seen her.

�Wotcher, Harry,� Tonks said, walking past him. Harry remained silent, still upset that he was being �babysat� all the time. Tonks stopped next to Hermione and Ron, frowning. �I�ll talk to you two later.� She continued across the clearing and back into the trees and out of sight, but Harry suspected she was still watching.

The following silence was unbearable for Harry, so he once again spoke first. �Ron, what did Ginny want to do?�

�You heard that too,� Ron asked.

�Yes! I think my parents heard that,� Harry said with a grin, which quickly faded into another frown.

�She wanted to come with us to see you, but Hermione wouldn�t bring her. She can�t Apparate yet-�

�Neither can you two. Not legally anyway,� Hermione amended after seeing both boys glaring at her. �Besides you don�t know how hard it is to do a side-along Apparation with just one person.�

�Why are you guys here anyway,� Harry asked looking at the lush, green grass.

�Mum wants you to come home with us, at least for a little bit.� Harry did not want to go at all. He needed time to find the Horcruxes, especially since he had no idea where to start.

�Bill and Fleur are getting married at the end of August. It�s going to be a beautiful wedding. And Ginny really does want to see you, Harry.�

�She hasn�t left her room all summer. She misses you, mate.�

Harry understood why Ginny felt the way she did. Their split had been rather abrupt. �You guys know why I did that. It�s not safe to be near me right now. I�m not going to the Burrow! Just go away and leave me alone!�

�Don�t do this. You�re acting like a child!�

�It�s my decision, Hermione! I don�t want to put any of you in danger.� His glistening eyes betrayed the anger in his voice.

Hermione stormed forward and jerked him up by the collar. �We�re in danger whether we are around you or not!� Harry tried to push her back, but she yanked him close with one arm. She put the other hand on the back of his head and gave him a very passionate kiss, while caressing his short, black hair. Hermione�s eyes were closed but Harry�s were open wide.

http://fanfiction.mugglenet.com/view...ze=0&chapter=2

Harry�s lips trembled as Hermione pulled away, his eyes finally closed. �Her-Hermione?�

�What was that,� Ron asked, outraged.

�Now you have to come with us or I�ll have Ron tell Ginny that he caught us doing that.�

�What?�

�And when Ginny asks me, I�ll tell her that you ditched her to be with me.�

�Hermione!� Harry found his fists clenched, but quickly relaxed them. As mad as he was, he would never hit Hermione. �Fine! I�ll come with you, but only until after the wedding. Don�t ask me to stay any longer.�

Hermione stepped back and smiled. �Tonks,� she called serenely.

Tonks reemerged from the trees and walked toward Harry. �I�ll come back for your trunk after I take you.�

Hermione wrapped one arm around Ron and stood beside him. �We need to hurry or they�ll be late,� Hermione announced.

�Where are we going?�

�You and Ron have your Apparation test today,� Tonks informed as Hermione and Ron Disapparated with a pop. She pulled Harry tightly to her side and winked at him.


Moments later Harry found himself standing beside the golden fountain in the Ministry of Magic. He found himself wishing Apparation were not so discomforting.

�Honestly, Ronald! I just wanted him to come with us!� Harry looked around to see Ron and Hermione walking toward a small group of seventeen-year-olds gathered around three Ministry wizards.

http://fanfiction.mugglenet.com/view...ze=0&chapter=2

Harry felt a hand push him toward the group. When he looked back as he was walking, Tonks was already gone. He joined the group and was the last to sign in for the test.

Two of the Ministry wizards left and the remaining wizard began telling the students where they would be Apparating.

Several minutes were given between each test, giving time for the other two wizards to report results to the third. Unfortunately the fourth student did not make it to his destination and the test was halted to search for him.

It was then that Rufus Scrimgeour walked through the atrium. Harry tried to conceal himself behind his friends but the Minister of Magic spotted him.

�Harry Potter, good to see you again. May I speak with you?�

�I have my Apparation test soon!�

�Well, it looks like we have some time then.� Harry was reluctantly steered away.

�I must ask you to reconsider my offer. It would put the global wizarding community at ease if you worked with us.�

�For the last time, no!�

�Don�t be so rash, Harry. I seem to remember you wanted Stan Shunpike released. You can prove his innocence if you work with us.�

Harry felt scandalized. �Are you bribing me? He�s innocent! This isn�t a game!�

�Of course it is not a game. I want to know what Dumbledore told you!�

�I�ll tell you after I defeat Voldemort.�

http://fanfiction.mugglenet.com/view...ze=0&chapter=2

The Minister flinched slightly. �You will defeat Him,� he asked with a chuckle. �Five Aurors died just last week facing You-Know-Who. And you are just a child.�

Harry was about to start shouting when he heard his name being called. He turned to see that he was the only student remaining. Even Hermione was gone. Harry assumed she went to meet Ron at his destination.

Harry was quickly informed of his destination. It was a deserted alleyway in downtown Edinburgh. Harry was not concerned about the distance, but he was worried about failing because of something small like Ron�s first test.

He took a deep breath and focused his thoughts on his destination.

Within seconds he had arrived exactly where he had intended, but saw nobody. The alleyway was dark and filled with the thick mist caused by the breeding Dementors. He felt uneasy and began to look around.

He quickly found the Ministry wizard and the disguised Tonks lying on the ground. He crouched beside them drawing his wand, his heart beating rapidly.

He was just able to determine that they were not dead when he heard movement behind him. �Well done, Potter!�

Harry instantly recognized the voice. He spun around in time to see the red light of a Stunning spell. �Stupify,� was the last thing Harry heard Snape say.

REAL LIFE CYBER SEX

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately
known as "cyber sex." Often the fantasies typed into keyboards
and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy.
However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the
following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get
the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...


Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and
high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My
measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 12 stone pounds. I wear glasses
and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from C & A.
I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on
it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on
the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking
up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your
crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are
trembling.

REAL LIFE CYBER SEX (part2)

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off
slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool
silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing you bulge faster,
pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally
rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra.
My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and
harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think
it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching
back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air
caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and
inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel
your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm
nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit
and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the
remains of my blouse.

REAL LIFE CYBER SEX (part3)

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop
it with a plop

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing
your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold!
Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all
over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm
choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm
fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do
you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you

REAL LIFE CYBER SEX (part4)

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the
cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's
dark , I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want
you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our
naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It
hurts.

Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place
the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across
the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling
around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

REAL LIFE CYBER SEX (part5)

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush
handle, but = I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly
feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I
kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't
stand it another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous
look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner
all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting
on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night
table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair
spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my
shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God!
One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire!
I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

DATING DON'TS FOR GUYS

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

"Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?"

"I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use
this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."

"No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix
alcohol and penicillin."

"I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you."

"People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell."

"I used to come here all the time with my ex."

"I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider
it."

"Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice
on the answering machine every hour."

"I like clay. It's mushy."

"I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't
have given someone like you a second look."

"And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."

"I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good
butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask."

"It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just
won't be as smart as I am."

"Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear hit the
ground... Man! I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses could run that fast."

Dating Rules For College

1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual
tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means
somebody's horny.

2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you" and
"you're cool" mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE
cool. In college, it means "will you fuck me?"

3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true
love, in college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.

4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses
you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing
as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a
hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight.

5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their feelings.
In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they
respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.

6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In
college it's a fuckfest or pretty close to it.

7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In
college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by.
Or if they do call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.

8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college,
cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desparate, and nice guys
finish last.

9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it
happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each
others names. IT ALWAYS SEEMS MEANINGLESS TO AT LEST ONE OF THE
PARTNERS!

10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe,
woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean,
Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jocelyn,
Lynda, Alyssa, Jessica, Cory, Rachel, Heather

Add your name to the list...

Deeper Thoughts

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at the word itself.
Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words-- "mank" and
"ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is
mankind.

[email protected]

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it
has a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, luck feeling.

[email protected]

The crow seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

[email protected]

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie
heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmm,
boy.

[email protected]

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be
considered an enemy planet.

[email protected]

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

[email protected]

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we
should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already
have.

[email protected]

I think a good gift to the President would be a chocolate revolver. And
since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and
hand it to him.

[email protected]

Dad thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several
of us died of tuberculosis.

Deeper Thoughts (part2)

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big of a deal.
First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan
that looks that much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for
life?

[email protected]

If you're robbing a bank and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's
OK to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is
funny.

[email protected]

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in a mirror,
because I bet that's what really throws you into panic.

[email protected]

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.

[email protected]

I can't stand cheap people. It make me real mad when someone say
something like, "Hey, when are your going to pay me that hundred dollars
you owe me?" or "Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man,
quit being so cheap!

[email protected]

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed
psychiatrist is our friend.

[email protected]

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw in a lake.
That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.

[email protected]

I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold
a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably
use a cheap ice pick.

[email protected]

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes
beer shoot out your nose.

[email protected]

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

[email protected]

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It
has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

[email protected]

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of
freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals and even hurl
large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they
were not Indians at all but dirty-clothes hampers.

[email protected]

I wish outer-space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their
pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my
name on it.

[email protected]

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. But
what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an
angel gets set on fire.

[email protected]

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys,
throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone
think how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real
grenade.

[email protected]

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Doggy Depression?

A young man went to pick up his date at her apartment. She
was not quite ready and suggested he play with her dog handing him a
red rubber ball. The dog was quite insistent that he play with it
and begged each time he brought the ball back. The young man began
tossing it to further corners of the room to get a second or two
extra peace from the insistent dog.
He began trying to get the ball to go around the corner into
the kitchen then he tried bouncing it into the area behind the couch.
This was going fine and the dog seemed to like the extra challenge
when the ball hit the corner of a stool and bounced onto the balcony
and over it. The dog lept over the rail after the ball... on a 12th
floor apartment.
The young man looked on in shock as his date came from her
room, took him by the arm and led him from the apartment making idle
chatter about the weather. They were in the elevator by the time he
could even think to say anything. He realized that he's allowed the
moment to pass when he should have told her what had happened to her
dog. Each second pushed it further away.
He was distant during dinner, terribly distracted. He hardly
knew what the play they were watching was about. In the cab ride
back, he was momentarily in a state of panic but was able to control
himself. As she put her keys into the lock, he turned to her and
said, "You know, your dog looked sort of depressed."

Men And Women

M A N
If you don't let him kiss you, you don't love him
If you let him, he thinks you are cheap
If you praise him, he thinks you are pressuring him
If you don't, he thinks you don't care
If you agree to all his wants, he is abusing
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you want to be romantic, he thinks you want a sugar daddy
If you don't, you are plain and boring
If you visit him too often, he thinks you want to get married
If you don't, he worries about new boyfriends
If you put makeup on, he accuses you of flirting
If you don't, he thinks you look like a housewife
If you are jealous, he believes "It's natural for men"
If you don't, he thinks "He can have his cake and eat it too"
If you want a gift of flowers, he thinks "Its a waste of money"
If you don't, he thinks you don't deserve it
If you come early, he thinks you are an irony lady
If you don't, he thinks "That's a girl's way"
If you want an ambitious man, you are pushy
If you don't, you don't care about his future
If you help him out, his ego is injured
If you don't, his feelings are hurt
If you make more money than him, he cannot marry you
If you don't make any, he wants someone else
If he make a suggestion, he wants you to agree
If you don't, you are being difficult
If you say "no", he thinks you mean "try again"
If you don't, he has no respect for you

O Lord!! We are just humans like our fellow "MEN"
Why can't we get along?
Don't we deserve respect just like them?
Our wants are simple, tender loving care and respect.
AMEN.

Men And Women

WOMAN

If you kiss her, you are not a gentlemen
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you make romance, you are an 'experience man'
If you don't, you are half a man
If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you don't love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you don't like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says "That's a girl's way"
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel
If she is visited by another, 'Oh! it's natural, we are girls'
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics
If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring
If she talks, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

Oh God!! You created those creatures called "WOMAN"
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
"O Lord, tell me what to do, AMEN."

Dog is Man's Best Friend

1. How Dogs and Men Are the Same

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.

2. How Dogs Are Better than Men

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never
laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK,
the "really" worst disease you can get from this is rabies,
but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one
that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger
owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs are color blind.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

3. Where Dogs Fall Down

Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them
around the block.
Men are a little more subtle.
Men don't eat turds on the sly.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men can do math stuff.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
It's fun to dry off a wet man.

Did you really name your dog that?

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was
Mypenis?

- Mypenis ate my homework.

- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!

- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.

- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a
leash.

- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.

- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.

- I love giving Mypenis a bath.

- At night, I sleep with Mypenis is my hands.

- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.

- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.

- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.

- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.

- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.

- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited
anymore. He just plays dead.

- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady
next door.

- If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to
carry.

- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.

- Help! I can't find Mypenis!

- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for
Mypenis.

- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.

- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to
the hospital.

- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!

- Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.

- When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.

- Stop kicking Mypenis.

- When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be
blown.

- Mypenis is truly man's best friend.

- Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.

- People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when
standing at attention.

- Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.

- There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.

- I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.

- Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.

- Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.

The Dr. Suess Purity Test

Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?

Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?

Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?

Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?

Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?

Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?

Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?

Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?

Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?

Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?

Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?

Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?

Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?

Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?

Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?

Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?

Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?

Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?

Have you done it without style?
Have you done it with a child?

Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?

Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?

Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?

Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?

Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?

Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?

Signs You Have A Drinking Problem

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interferring with your drinking.

Your docter finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

When you can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Every woman you see has an exact twin.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

The glass keeps missing your mouth!

Bill Clinton starts to make sense.

Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]

At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell
asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and
[Women].

Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more
attractive.

Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.

I'm not drunk... you're just sober... - HI OCIFER!!!!!!

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognise wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the
Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

You've fallen and you can't get up.

When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle - please pass the
ice pack....

BeerTender! Get me another Bar!

The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

Your name is Ted Kennedy.

Foster Brooks appears sober to you.

Dealers are all alike

Drug dealers ========= Software developers
--------------------------- ---------------------------
Refer to their clients ==== Refer to their clients
as "users". ========== as "users".

"The first one's free!" ===== "Download a free trial version..."

Have important South-East ===== Have important South-East
Asian connections ========== Asian connections
(to help move the stuff). ===== (to help debug the code).

Strange jargon: ===== Strange jargon:
"Stick," "Rock," ===== "SCSI," "RTFM,"
"Dime bag," "E". ===== "Java," "ISDN".

Realize that there's ===== Realize that there's
tons of cash in the ===== tons of cash in the
14- to 25-year-old ===== 14- to 25-year-old
market. =============== market.

Job is assisted by the ======== Job is assisted by
industry's producing ======== industry's producing
newer, more potent mixes. ===== newer, faster machines.

Often seen in the company ===== Often seen in the company of
of pimps and hustlers. ===== marketing people and venture
========================= capitalists.

Their product causes ===== DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D=
unhealthy addictions. ===== 'Nuff said.

Do your job well, and ===== Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
you can sleep with
sexy movie stars who
depend on you.

Drunk Jokes

A couple of drunks are sitting at a bar on the 10th story of a building. One
says, "See that window over there? Well, if you were to jump out that window,
the air pressure rising from the city's activity would keep you from hitting
the ground. If there's enough activity in the city, not only won't you hit the
ground, but you'll also fly back up to the window."
The 2nd drunk says, "You're full of it! What do you take me for?"
First drunk, "Here. I'll show you."
He goes over to the window and jumps out. Seconds later, he rises back up to
the window ledge and comes back in the bar.
"See? Now you try it. It's fun."
The second drunk can't believe it. He reaches over and pats his friend to
make sure he's real. Then he says to the bartender, "By god he's right. I'm
gonna do it!" He walks over to the window, climbs out on the ledge and jumps.
As soon as he's falling, he starts screaming. Just as he hits the ground ten
stories below, the bartender turns to the first drunk and says, "Clark Kent,
you sure are a mean drunk."
*******************************************
Two drunks are sitting at a bar, getting wasted. There's a dog over in the
corner licking and licking his crotch like there's no tomorrow.
The first drunk points to the dog and says, "Boy, I sure wish I could do
that."
And the second drunk says, "I bet if you ask that dog real nice, he'd let
you."

*****************************************

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for
possible violators of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing
time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his
keys on five different cars before he found his.

He then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several
minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his
engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him.
He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the
Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver
replied, "tonight, I'm the designated decoy".

Dumb Questions

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?
Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Why do they tell us to watch "The Today Show" tomorrow?
Who is "they" anyway?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the
expected and so therefore one is expecting the expected?
How does one expect the unexpected?
Why do women wear a pair of panties and one bra?
Why does it matter if we all put our pants on one leg at a time?
Has it ever rained cats and dogs?
Do you know the way to San Jose?
Where does weight go when you lose it?
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why don't ease, lease, and please sound alike?
How long is a short story?
Why do we read left to right yet turn pages right to left?
Does Bill Clinton think Elvis is alive?
Why do people cry when they're sad?
What does Santa do at a house with no chimney?
Why aren't there many Hannukah specials on tv?
If rainy days and Mondays get you down, what do you do
on rainy Mondays?
Who cares how it plays in Peoria?
Why am I asking all these things?
Why did you read this?
Am I really seeking answers?
What do you think?

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex
to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of
the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear
yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol
coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it
stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the
shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
"Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.