50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator(Part2)

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one
of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for
them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your
beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see
wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

Elf Pickup Lines

1 "I'm down here!"
2 "Just because I've got bells on my feet doesn't mean I'm a sissy!"
3 I was a lawn ornament for Gary Sweet."
4 "I can get you off the naughty list!"
5 "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys."
6 "I'm a magical being! Take off your bra!"
7 "It's not size that matters babe!"
8 "I get a thimbleful of tequila into me and I turn into a wild man!"
9 "You'd look hot in a Raggedy Ann wig!"
10 "I can eat my weight in cocktail frankfurts!"
11 "That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed."
12 "Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"
13 "You have some nice jewellery. It would look good on my nightstand."
14 "Chicks dig me - I wear coloured underwear!"
15 Look at the tag on her shirt and say "I wanted to see if you were
really made in heaven."
16 "If I gave you neglige for my birthday, would there be anything in it
for me?"
17 "That's a nice shirt - can I talk you out of it?"
18 "Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself
in them."
19 "Do I know you from somewhere - or is it just that you have your
clothes on?"
20 "Hi, I'm conducting a feel test of how many women have pierced
nipples."
21 "Do you like jewels? Well suck my cock it's a gem!"
22 She: "What do you think of this dress/top/skirt?"
He: "I like nothing better!"
23 "What do like for breakfast?"
24 "Can I buy you a drink, or would you just like the money?"
25 "Would you like a gin & platonic or do you prefer scotch & sofa?"
26 "Hey, how about pizza & a fuck?" "What, don't you like pizza?"
27 "Would you like to have morning coffee with me?"
28 "Lets do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?"
29 "Excuse me, why is your drink glowing?"
30 "I don't look like much now, I'm drinking milk."

Elf Pickup Lines cntd

31 "I've had quite a bit to drink tonight & you're beginning to look
pretty good!"
32 "I've got a thirst baby, and you smell like Gatorade!"
33 "Do you like chicken? Suck this, it's foul!"
34 "Do you know the difference between hamburgers and head jobs?"
"No? Let's do lunch then!"
35 Hand out cards saying: "Smile if you want to sleep with me" and watch
them hold back their laughter.
36 At the photocopier: "Reproducing hey? Can I help?"
37 Motion with your finger for the girl to come over. When she does say
"I knew if I fingered you enough you'd come!"
38 Woman: "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man: "Do you have the
energy?"
39 Woman: "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man: "Do you have the place
in mind?"
40 When she asks for a match: "My penis, your vagina."
41 Walk over to a ladies table, take your dick out & say
"Hey Charlie, anyone here you recognise?"
42 "Stand back, I'm a doctor! You get an ambulance, I'll loosen her
clothes!"
43 Holding out fingers: "Why should women masturbate with these fingers?"
"Because they're mine!"
44 "Hi, my name is {name}. How do you like me so far?"
45 "You look like a girl who has heard every single line in the book - so
what's one more!"
46 "Bond. James Bond."
47 "Excuse me, are you ready to go home yet?"
48 "Hi, I make more money than you can spend."
49 "Hi, can I buy you a car?"
50 "I'm new in town, can you give me directions to your apartment?"
51 "Was your father a thief? Because someone stole the stars from the sky
& put them in your eyes."
52 "Was you father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on
earth!"
53 "You know what I like about you?" "My arms."
54 "If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing
you."
55 "I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a
line? Are you disappointed?"
56 "Who's a nice girl doing in a place like this?"
57 "Do you have a 40 cents?" "Too bad, because I need to call my mother
and tell her I just found the woman of my dreams."
58 "Do you have a map?" "I just keep on getting lost in your eyes."
59 "Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers."
60 "Did it hurt?" "When you fell from heaven?"

Elf Pickup Lines cntd

61 "Inheriting eighty million dollars doesn't mean much when you have a
weak heart."
62 "Excuse me, do you live around here often?"
63 "Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash. Mind if we shared a cab home
together?"
64 "What's your sign?"
65 "Hi, the voices in my head told me to come and talk to you."
66 "What was that?" "That sound?" "The sound of my heart breaking?"
67 "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U & I together."
68 "I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?"
69 "I was sitting here holding my cigarette when I realised I'd rather be
holding you."
70 "If your parents hadn't met, I'd be a very unhappy man right now."
71 "I feel like Richard Gere, standing here next to you, the Pretty
woman."
72 "Sorry, I thought you were someone else, by the way, here's my card."
73 "Say, didn't we go to different schools together?"
74 "Drop 'em"
75 "Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?"
76 "Hey baby, let's make some babies!"
77 "I think we have to make love like crazed weasels on the front lawn
NOW!"
78 "Hey babe, can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?"
79 "Hey babe, can you suck start a Harley?
80 "Hey babe, wanna get lucky?"
81 To a mother: "Hey mother - want another?"
82 To a mother: "What is your favourite position on extramarital sex?"
83 "Your place or mine?"
84 "Your place or the mens bathroom?"
85 "Your face or mine?"
86 "If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against
me?"
87 "If I told you that you had an ugly body, would you hold it against
me?"
88 "Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?"
89 "I love you. I want to marry you. Now let's fuck."
90 "Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids, lets play gynaecologist!"

Elf Pickup Lines cntd

91 "Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you
weigh."
92 "I wanna floss with your pubic hair!"
93 "I'm on fire, can I run through your sprinkler?"
94 "I'd look good on you!"
95 "Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?"
96 "I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else."
97 "I would kill or die to make love to you!"
98 "Sex is a killer... Want to die happy?"
99 "I love every bone in your body, especially mine."
100 "Now Bitch!"
101 "Fancy a fuck?"
102 "My face is leaving in 10 minutes - be on it!"
103 "Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?"
104 "I'm aboriginal. Do you have any aboriginal in you?"
"Would you like some?"
105 "I think you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen...
on a Wednesday!"
106 "How did you acheive such a gaudy effect with only Avon cosmetics?"
107 "You're ugly, but you interest me."
108 "Do you beleive in one night stands?"
109 "With one touch I can make you make noise only dogs can hear!"
110 "I'm leaving this place - want to Cum?"
111 "Why, you've got the whitest teeth I'd ever want to cum across!"
112 "Free mammograms, get your free mammograms here! Get them while
they're hot!"
113 "Do you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a manfriend, come and
talk to me!"
114 "You've got nice breasts, but are your nipples brown or pink?"
115 "Is it cold outside, or are you just smuggling tic-tacs?"
116 "Pardon me, but I was about to go home and masturbate, and I was
wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you."
117 "Sit on my lap and well talk about the first thing that pops up!"
118 "Sit on my lap and lets get things straight between us."
119 "You smell wet - let's Party!"
120 "Pardon me miss, but I couldn't help noticing that you have cum in
your hair."

Elf Pickup Lines cntd

121 "Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick!"
122 "Miss, if you've lost your virginity, canI have the box it came in?"
123 "I saw you at the party last weekend, and you look kind of
interesting... Let's meet sometime..."
124 "No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for $50?"
125 "You have the ass of a great artist."
126 "Let's take a shower together - you smell."
127 "If I was Elvis, would you screw me?"
128 "Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?
I thought you knew?"
129 "Cold out isn't it?" (Staring at breasts)
130 "Hey... Somebody farted - lets get out of here!"
131 "I need your help. I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your
body?"
132 "Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour
coordinated?"
133 "Do you sleep on your front?" "Do you mind if I do?"
134 "Do you want to go halves in a baby?"
135 "Ever played leap frog naked?"
136 "I'll bet you ten bucks I could get all your clothes off in 30
seconds."
137 "Since we shouldn't waste this day & age, what you say we use these
condoms in my pocket before they expire?"
138 "Would you like to see me naked?"
139 "Anything drugs can do, I can do with my tongue!"
140 "Either way, I'm going to have you tonight, so you might as well be
there."
141 "Wanna go halves in a bastard?"
142 "Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation?"
"Do you want to go upstairs and talk?"
143 "Sit on my face and let me get to nose you better!"
144 "Excuse me, do you beleive in love at first sight or do I have to walk
past you again?"
145 "Fuck me if I'm wrong but you want to fuck me don't you?"
146 "Fuck me if I'm wrong but you want to kiss me?"
147 "Fuck me if I'm wrong but isn't you're name Gretchen?"
148 "Hello Susie, your mummy couldn't make it this afternoon. She asked me
to pick you up and take you home. My that's a pretty dress..."
149 "I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look
ravishing in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice
backrub. Are the straps too tight darling? How very, very tragic."
150 "Do you want to see something swell?"

Elf Pickup Lines cntd

151 "Hey babe, do you know my mouth can generate over 750 psi?"
152 "Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologise?"
153 "Wanna fuck like bunnies?
154 Follow these instructions:
1. Make sure that you are in front of the person you are trying to
attract.
2. Put your hands in a vertical plane and seperate your hands to the
desired distance.
3. Look at the person of your affections with a shit eating, ear to
ear grin. Shake your head up and down as to reply that you're this
big.
155 "What would you do if I kissed you right now?"
156 "Take an icecube to the bar, smash it and say: "Now that I've broken
the ice, will you sleep with me?"
157 "I'm single!"
158 "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?"
159 "I'm drunk."
160 "Would you like to come and party in my toolshed?"
161 "Will you marry me and have my children?"
162 "You know, I'd really like to fuck your brains out, but it seems
somebody beat me to it!"
163 To someone just out of the shower: "Can I borrow your towel?"
164 "I've got an itch. Lower. Lower."
165 "If you want me, don't wake me, or shake me, just take me."
166 "Hi, I'm a flight steward."
167 "May I please rest my head on your shoulder?"
168 Hold up a vibrator: "Do you know how to use one of these?"
169 "Fuck me if I'm wrong, but haven't we met before?"
170 "I'm not trying to pressure you, I don't want to have sex without
mutual consent; Oh and by the way, you have my consent."
171 "I'm sure you didn't mean to turn me on with your big ass, but it's
too late now!"
172 "Hi, I'm taking a survey. Do you spit or swallow?"
173 "I think I'm falling in love with you. Now do you want to fuck?"
174 "I haven't seen you in a while, you sure look different without my
dick in your mouth."
175 "Hi. My name's Campbell. You'll be screaming that later."
176 "What winks and fucks like a tiger?" (said while winking)
177 "What are you drinking?" ("_______") "Wanna screw?"
178 "Yo. You'll do."
179 "I've never driven a cadillac, whats your name?"
180 A business card:

THE TWO KINGS

Jesus said, "Love thy neighbor" (Matthew 22:39).
Elvis said, "Don't Be Cruel" (RCA, 1956).

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus said, "Man shall not live by bread alone" (Matthew 4:4).
Elvis loved his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

"Then they took up stones to cast at [Jesus]" (John 8:59).
Elvis was often stoned.

Jesus was the Lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chops.

Jesus was part of a Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water (Matthew 14:25).
Elvis surfed (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965).

Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis majored in woodshop/industrial art in high school.

Jesus lived in a state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Jesus wore the crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus as wine (sacramental wine).
Elvis as wine (Always Elvis wine by Frantenac).

THE TWO KINGS

A major woman in Jesus' life (Mary) had an immaculate conception.
A major woman in Elvis' life (Priscilla) went to Immaculate Conception high
school.

Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous comeback special in 1968.

Son of God.
Sun Studios.

Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink" (John 7:37).
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957).

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits (e.g., five banana splits for breakfast).

Jesus is a Capricorn (Dec. 25).
Elvis is a Capricorn (Jan. 8).

Jesus biography by Matthew (Gospel according to Matthew).
Elvis biography by Neal Matthews (Elvis: A Golden Tribute).

"[Jesus'] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow"
(Matthew 28:3).
Elvis' trademarks were a lightning bolt and snow-white jumpsuits.

Jesus was Jewish.
Elvis was part Jewish (from his maternal great-grandmother, Martha Tackett
Mansell).

Jesus' purple robe.
Elvis' pink Cadillac.

Jesus' father is everywhere.
Elvis' father, Vernon, was a drifter and moved around quite a bit.

Doubting Thomas.
"Suspicious Minds."

There is much confusion about Jesus' middle name - what does the "H" stand for?
There is much confusion about Elvis' middle name - was it Aron or Aaron?

Jesus made rocks roll away from his tomb.
Elvis was a rock and roll singer.

witty insults to hurl at your enemies

If you don't want to give people a bad name you will have your children
illegitimately.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would
be genocide!

Even your best friend cheats you and lies to you, and that's the best friend
you can get.

You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.

The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstarted by the fact that
someone was willing to father you.

All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your
face, that's the only way they could.

I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all
her mistakes!

I'm very carefull of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put
as much vituperation in them as possible.

I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by
childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and
broke the cement.

In the next life you'll blaze a way for us.

You are master in your own house - the doghouse!

If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say hello, I'd say boo!

I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel even sorrier for
other people because they have to look at you.

Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly too.

I know one should judge a man by what he really is instead of by appearances
but you are REALLY ugly.

I've hated your looks from the start they gave me.

EXCUSES

The following is a collection of "actual excuse notes from parents
(including spelling)" from the Office of Educational Assessment at
the University of Washington.


* My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.
* Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her
shot.
* Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,
30, 31,32, and also 33.
* Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
* Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he
fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
* John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his
face.
* Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He
was hurt in the growing part.
* Megan could not come to school today because she has been
bothered by very close veins.
* Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
* Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea
and his boots leak.
* Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
* Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
* Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot
to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it
Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
* Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend
her funeral.
* My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She
spent a weekend with the Marines.
* Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold
and could not breed well.
* Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed
with gramps.
* Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
* Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
* Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also
sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever
and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and
fever. There must be something going around, her father even
got hot last night.

EXCUSES 2

From the Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the
Washington Post -- a contest was held in which
readers were asked to come up with excuses to
miss a day of work.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to
work. The voices told me to clean all the guns
today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in
addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john,
but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour
and the other half back an hour Saturday and
spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until
the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only
by reversing the polarity of the power source
exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while
simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout
with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in
late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be
stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not
showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy,
but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down
at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some
attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about
them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes,
could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with
Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time
bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth.
Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my
employee records may now contain false
information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent
session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I
won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to
hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the
Undead and we must track her to her coffin to
drive a stake through her heart and give her
eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA
has determined that my house is completely
surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange
for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to
Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest
rates.

My wife makes more money than I do, so I have
to stay at home with our sick son.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until
there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my
fair share.

I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You
want I should come in?

I can't come in because the deadline is Monday
and so far I only have seven different fun things
to do with a barrel of snot.

Top Ten Fears Teens Have About Christian Camps

10. The food will move while I'm not looking.
9. They'll make us play that stupid relat with the toothpicks and
Lifesavers.
8. We'll take a moonlight hike through some poison ivy.
7. They'll serv beans right before the talent show.
6. We'll have to wear dorky chips of wood with our names on them.
5. The speacker will be a barely literate football es-football player
who can't take a joke.
4. There won't be a panty raid.
3. They'll find out that Mom wrote my name on my underwear.
2. The bonfire will rage out of control while everybodies head is bowed.
1. I'll meet a girl/guy who lives in another state, fall in love, end
the week with a big kiss, promise to write, write maybe three leters, and
then meet them ten years later while on vacation and not know what to say.

Fifty+ Ways to Confuse Your Roomate

1. Invite your invisible friends over for a few weeks. Blame them
when all his beer is gone. Be convincing.

2. Get a Brother P-Touch labeler. Label EVERYTHING!!!

3. When ever your girlfriend sleeps over, leave wearing her clothes.

4. Hide all your roomate's stuff and tell him that he never lived with
you. Extra points if he checks with the housing director.

5. Give your roomate a plastic bag. Ask him to shit in it because
your pet dung beetles are hungry.

6. Borrow your roomate's clothes. Offer to wash them, then act like
they were yours all along.

7. Replace his toothpaste with Fix-O-Dent.

8. If you live on the first floor, refuse to use the door. Climb in
and out through the window. Claim doctor's orders.

9. Hide under a pile of dirty clothes in the closet. Twitch a lot and
mutter, "They can't suck my brain if they can't find me!"

10. Scratch your head a lot. Pretend to eat the lice you find. Offer
one to your roomate.

11. Don't shower for three weeks. Complain often about the stench.
Demand that your roomate do his laundry.

12. Talk about your roomate to the little man who lives in your pocket.

13. Groom yourself like a cat.

14. Build a fort out of beer cans. Refuse to come out until you are
granted audience with Zontar, High Lord of Saria 3.

15. Organize a black mass. Tell your roomate that the sacrifice backed
out at the last minute and ask if he would volunteer.

16. Say everything in Pig Latin.

17. Save all of your nail clippings. Make sculptures out of them.

18. Refer to yourself in the royal third person.

19. Funnel Pepsi.

20. Spend all of your money on Alvin and the Chipmunks records. Play
them constantly. Say that it's an assignment for your "Popular Music in
the Youth Subculture" class.

21. Save the wrappers to everything that you eat. Collect them in a
ball and store it on your roomate's bed.

22. Paint a mural depicting Napoleon's defeat at Waterloo on your
roomate's mattress. Hand it in to your art teacher for a grade.

23. Refuse to wash your underwear. Say that you are trying to prove
LaMarck's thoery of spontaneous generation.

24. Develop ESP. Answer all of your roomate's questions before he asks
them.

25. Make your bed 15 times a day. Sleep on the floor.

Fifty+ Ways to Confuse Your Roomate cntd

26. Save your used tissues. Have snowball fights.

27. Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.

28. Throw out your bed. Move in with your roomate.

29. Wear all of your clothes backwards. (Now it's just plain wierd aga
in.)

30. Buy a snake. Give it free reign of the room.

31. Name your books. Call them like dogs when it's time to study.

32. Cut the faces out of all your pictures.

33. Hang all of your posters up backwards.

34. Pick up the phone every two minutes. Then slam it down and say,
"Damn, missed them again!" Continue for two weeks.

35. Dance around the room with underwear on your head while listening
to old Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass records. If your roomate
questions you, throw a pair on his head and TANGO!!!

36. Wear khakis and riding boots around the room. Goosestep often.

37. Steal all of your roomate's pens. Make a tower out of them. Bite
him if he tries to get them back.

38. Develop Multiple Personality Disorder. Use your other selves to
act out Shakespearean tragedies.

39. Open the window. After 30 minutes, complain about the cold and
open it wider.

40. Two words: Nudist colony.

41. Listen to Morrisey. Be happy before, during, and after you listen.

42. Tattoo your roomate's name on your butt. Insist that he do the
same for you.

43. Get a loft. Sleep hanging upside down from it like a bat.

44. Play Dungeons and Dragons a lot. (A lot means that you should own
a sword, and at some time during the year you should dress up as your
character.)

45. Wear Underoos.

46. Carve a large phallus. Pray to it daily.

47. Walk around with a hot dog sticking out of your fly. Act like it
isn't there.

48. Put a chamber pot in your closet. Fill it with lemon-lime
Gatorade. Pretend to use it. Drink from it and offer your roomate a cup.

49. Make your finger talk to you. Write backwards on the walls.

50. Constantly ask your roomate, "Do you feel lucky?" while fingering a
bulge under your jacket.

51. Claim that your 5000 year old spirit guide Glockenspeil has advised
you to avoid people named (place roommate's first name here). Inform him
that he has three days to move out, or you call the Airforce.

52. Learn to walk on the ceiling. Complain bitterly that you can't
reach the door knob from this height.

53. Paint the room black. Not just the walls and ceiling, but also
floors, furniture, books, shelves, personal items -- everything. come into
the room, see the state of the room, and burst into tears. Tell your
roommate this is all your fault -- It's a family curse.

54. Pretend to talk in your sleep. Suggested phrases: "no, master, I
don't want to kill (place roommate's name here.)" and "Roommate...trying to
kill me... must stop him.... kill him before he kills me..."

55. Pretend to accidentally cut yourself. Use French Salad Dressing
for fake blood.

56. Constantly rush to the window, open it, look both ways, and then
sigh in relief. Say "Thought I head a UFO... thought they were coming to
take me back..."

LIST OF BART'S BLACKBOARD QUOTATIONS (for Simpsons Fans)

I will not waste chalk
I will not skateboard in the halls
I will not burp in class
I will not instigate revolution
I will not draw naked ladies in class
I did not see Elvis
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
Garlic gum is not funny
They are laughing at me, not with me
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not fake my way through life
Tar is not a plaything
I will not Xerox my butt
It's potato, not potatoe
I will not trade pants with others
I am not a 32 year old woman (To put it another way, Nancy
Cartwright is not a 10-year-old boy)
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I will not drive the principal's car
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not sell school property
I will not cut corners
I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not make flatulent noises in class
I will not belch the National Anthem
I will not sell land in Florida
I will not grease the monkey bars
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not show off
I will not sleep through my education
I am not a dentist
Spitwads are not free speech
Nobody likes sunburn slappers
High explosives and school don't mix
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
I will not squeak chalk (Bart squeaks the chalk while writing this)
I will finish what I star (This appears on one line; the rest is
blank)
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
Underwear should be worn on the inside
The Christmas Pageant does not stink
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not carve gods
I will not spank others
I will not aim for the head
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
I will not conduct my own fire drills
Funny noises are not funny
I will not snap bras
I will not fake seizures

LIST OF BART'S BLACKBOARD QUOTATIONS (for Simpsons Fans)

This punishment is not boring and pointless
My name is not Dr. Death
I will not defame New Orleans
I will not prescribe medication
I will not bury the new kid I will not teach others to fly
I will not bring sheep to class
A burp is not an answer
Teacher is not a leper
Coffee is not for kids
I will not eat things for money
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
I will not call the principal "spud head"
Goldfish don't bounce
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
No one is interested in my underpants
I will not sell miracle cures
I will return the seeing-eye dog
I do not have diplomatic immunity
I will not charge admission to the bathroom
I will never win an Emmy (This was the first episode after 1992-
Emmy nominations were announced, the first time the show was
eligible for "Best Comedy Series", but it wasn't nominated (the
show has won "Best Animated Show" Emmys in the past)
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
I am not deliciously saucy
Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones (This was first used
for the 100th new episode)
There are plenty of businesses like show business
I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major
League Baseball
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
Beans are neither fruit nor musical

TOP TEN THINGS THAT PEOPLE IN FRONT OF YOU IN CHECKOUT LINES SAY

1. "Wait! I have a coupon somewhere at the bottom of my purse."

2. "Oh damn! I left my cheque book out in the car."

3. "Isn't that funny? None of the things I picked up had prices on them."

4. "You mean this brand isn't on sale? Ooops! Let me run and get the right
kind."

5. "I demand to speak with the manager!"

6. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting to get rid of this sack of
pennies."

7. "Hold on...my husband is bringing another cart cart...Where is he?...
Hubert?!"

8. "Wait! Let me check that receipt-- all eight feet if it!"

9. "No. No. No. You've bagged these groceries all wrong. Let me show you
the right way."

10. "Ooops! This 200-lb. bag of dog food has a hole in it. Here, you sweep
the crumbles off the counter and I'll go see if I can carry
another bag over."

Just For Fun

1. How do you know if something really exists?

Kick it *really* hard!

2. What is the essence of being human?

-Not understanding the opposite sex.

3. If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around, does it
make a sound?

-Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows.

4. How do I know I am not just a brain in a vat, hooked up to a
computer simulation of life?

-Look in the mirror. If you see a gray spongy thing in a glass
container, you are.

5. Can our minds exist seperately from our bodies?

-If they could, we'd send our minds to class and sleep in every
morning.

6. Is there a god?

-A billion Hindus can't be wrong.

7. What is the nature of knowledge?

I'm still trying to figure out the nature of "college".

8. What is the meaning of life?

All evidence to date suggests its chocolate.

50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling
noises.
2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for
attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was
the last day to drop.
3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream
"MY PACEMAKER!"
4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student
and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a
question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't
hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them
your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr.
Smartypants?"
8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses
with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while
muttering "tsk, tsk".
9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class
whether your butt looks fat.
11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.
Giggle throughout it.
13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention
hotline number on the board.
14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all
questions.
15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex
Machine."
16. Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps
would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book
by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead
of you as you pace back and forth.
19. Address students as "worm".
20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any
moment.
21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin
singing spirituals.
22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a
waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's
name, rank, and serial number.
24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and
announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks
a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class (part2)

26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for
several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence
and proceed normally.
27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks
a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with
your hands.
28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite
numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".
31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class
projects.
32. Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and
code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee"
and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to
the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11
number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in
place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
intervals.
37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching
assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every
ten minutes.
41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake
the funk".
42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver
them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be
required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark
through Armenia, for next class.
45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet.
Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep
their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that
bug I picked up in the field".
50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped?
ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

50 FUN THINGS TO DO IN A MALL

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they
make your butt look big.

3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock.

4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully
volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated
CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.

8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen...

9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that
they're "astronaut food."

10. Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from
Dianetics.

11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white
and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him
a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"

13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion
dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without
warning.

15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.

16. Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an
hour while rocking from side to side.

18. Sprint up the down escalator.

19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers
whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture."

20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in
Spanish.

21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a
particular saw cuts through bone.

23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils,
and whether there's much meat on them.

24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

25. Ask for rose-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

50 FUN THINGS TO DO IN A MALL (part2)

26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them*
with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.

27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store,
insisting that you lost a contact lens.

28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches
the color of your beard.

29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see
London, I see France..."

30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes,
and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

31. Play the tuba for change.

32. Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My
Hotrod."

33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform
gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy
will "give you a really wicked buzz".

35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have "any
giant crap made out of straw."

36. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as
religious tracts.

38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push
you around in it.

39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station
showing "Saved by the Bell." Chant the dialogue in a robotic
voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of
the sets.

40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department
wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles
yelling "scratch one flattop!"

41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and
scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof".

42. "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots
of explosion noises.

43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.

44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke
arguments over whether they're real.

45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.

46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department
stores and say "Domino's."

47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing
to scratch yourself.

48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether
they've seen this man."

50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes
later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it
hasn't turned blue yet.

Answering machine messages:

All our answering machines are busy. Please hold. (Pause.)
All our answering machines are... (CLICK) This is the
answering machine of...

Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying
to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand,
if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your
name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them
will call you back -- only that I won't.

You've reached Mike and Nancy's answering machine. They're not
home right now. At least, I don't think they are. Hang on.
(Voice moves away from recording microphone.) Mike? Nancy?
(Voice comes back.) Nope, they're not here, so at the beep...

Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a second
while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which
gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi
there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to
a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back.
(this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after she said she
had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.)

"I'm writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you to tell me how
the machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity."

(Rod Serling imitation)
You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound
collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this
is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached 'The Twilight
Phone'.

Career Options

An oldish couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents
were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his
future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar
bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall
table, and hid, pretending they're not home. The father's plan was: "If
out son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the
bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm
afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping
through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they
had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the
light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked
through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took
a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room,
carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said:
"Dam! Our son is going to be a politician!"