50 Ways To Drive Men Crazy

1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.

2. Be ambigious. Always.

3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.

4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or ago.

5. Make them apologize for everything.

6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute
reminders that you were thinking of them.(Tara, Meghan 9/95)

7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.

8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them. Smile.

9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.

10. Cry.

11. Get mad at them for everything.

12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.

13. Hold grudges.

14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.

15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face
value.

16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his
quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess."

17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.

18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.

19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing
alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.

20. Cry.

21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.

22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary
of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes.
Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.

23. Fall for your RA.

24. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they
are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.

25. Correct their grammar.

50 Ways To Drive Men Crazy (part2)


26. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or
little sister.

27. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of
their answer.

28. Leave out the good parts in stories.

29. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship
group. Make sure to cause trouble.

30. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.

31. Cry.

32. Declare that you are not wacko.

33. Criticize the way they dress.

34. Criticize the music they listen to.

35. Criticize their hair.

36. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they
don't know, you're not going to tell them.

37. Try to change them.

38. Try to mold them.

39. Try to get them to dance.

40. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when
confronted.

41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.

42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to
fainting. Just because.

43. Blame everything on PMS.

44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.

45. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"

46. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half
inch.

47. Read into everything.

48. Over-analyze everything.

49. Cry.

50. Make it your goal to make them cry

Geek Humor

A chemist, an engineer and a mathematician were stranded on a desert island.
Eventually their food supply dwindled to a single can of beans which they
could not open.

The engineer proposed that he could calculate the exact trajectory necessary
to slam the can into a sharp rock without spilling a bean.

The chemist said that this was too risky and that she could set the can in the
sun to get the gasses to expand so that it would gently pop open.

The mathematician said, "No, no. You're both trying too hard. I have the
easiest answer: assume a can opener!"

__________________________________________________ ___________________________

A mathematician was asleep in his room at a hotel when suddenly the fire alarm
went off. He walked into the hall where he spotted a fire extinguisher and
said, "Aha! A solution exists," and happily went back to bed.

__________________________________________________ ____________________________
A statistician, a mathematician and an accountant were all asked the question,
"What is the sum of 2 and 2?"

The statistician replied, "3.98 +/- 0.03 at the 98% confidence limit."

The mathematician replied, "4".

The account closed the door, shut the curtains and said, "Tell me, what do you
*want* it to be?"
__________________________________________________ ____________________________

When Albert Einstein's Theory of Relativity became universally accepted, but
before he was internationally famous, he was invited to give many lectures on
the topic. One day he came down with a case of laryngitis and was afraid that
he would have to cancel a lecture. "No problem," his driver told him, "I've
heard your lecture so many times I can repeat it word for word."

As Einstein watched from the back of the room, the driver delivered the speech
flawlessly but afterwards was confronted with a question. Without missing a
beat the driver replied, "That is *the* most stupid and elementary question
I've ever been asked. I bet even my chauffeur can answer it......."

What would happen if God had to do it all over again?

AND GOD SAID:
"IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED HEAVEN AND EARTH." He was then
faced with a Notice of Violation and a class action lawsuit for
failing to file a Part A notification and an environmental impact
statement with HEPA (Heavenly Environmental Protection Agency),
an angelically staffed agency dedicated to keeping the Universe
pollution free.
God was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly portion of
the project, but was issued a "cease and desist" order on the
earthly portion, pending further review by the HEPA.
Upon completion of His construction permit application and
environmental impact statement, God appeared before the Heavenly
Environmental Protection Commission to answer unresolved
questions regarding His application.
When asked why He began these projects in the first place, God
simply replied that He liked to be "creative." This was not
considered adequate reasoning; and God was required to
substantiate this further.
HEPA was unable to see any practical use for earth, since "THE
EARTH WAS VOID AND EMPTY, AND DARKNESS WAS UPON THE FACE OF THE
DEEP." And God said, "LET THERE BE LIGHT." He really should never
have brought up this point, since one Commission member was very
active in the Sierrangel Club and immediately protested, stating
"How was light to be made? Would it be a nuclear-powered or coal-
fired generating plant? Would there be strip mining? What about
thermal pollution? Air pollution? Universal warming?" God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. No
one on the Commission really understood this, but it was
provisionally accepted assuming (1) there would be no smog or
smoke resulting from the ball of fire, (2) a separate burning
permit would be required, and (3) since continuous light would be
a waste of energy, it should be dark at least one-half of the
time. And so God agreed to "DIVIDE THE LIGHT FROM THE DARKNESS,
AND HE CALLED THE LIGHT 'DAY', AND THE DARKNESS 'NIGHT'." (The
Commission expressed no interest with in-house semantics.)

What would happen if God had to do it all over again?(part2)

When asked how the earth would be covered, God said "LET THERE BE
FIRMAMENT MADE AMIDST THE WATERS, AND LET IT DIVIDE THE WATERS
FROM THE WATERS." One ecologically radical Commission member
accused Him of double-talk, but the Commission tabled action
since God would be required first to apply for a "firmament"
permit from the ABLM (Angelic Bureau of Land Management), would
be required to obtain water permits from the appropriate agencies
involved, and further, insure that construction of any firmament
would result in no net loss of wetlands.
The Commission asked if there would be only water and firmament,
and God said "LET THE EARTH BRING FORTH THE GREEN HERB, AND SUCH
AS MAY SEED, AND THE FRUIT TREE YIELDING FRUIT AFTER ITS KIND,
WHICH MAY HAVE SEEN ITSELF UPON THE EARTH." The Commission agreed
to this, as long as only native seeds were to be used.
About future developments, God also said "LET THE WATERS BRING
FORTH THE CREEPING CREATURE HAVING LIFE, AND THE FOWL THAT MAY
FLY OVER THE EARTH UNDER THE FIRMAMENT OF HEAVEN." Here again,
the Commission took no formal action, since this would require
approval of the Game and Fish Commission, coordinated with the
Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
It appeared that everything was in order until God said that He
wanted to complete the project in six days. At this time He was
advised by the Commission that His timing was completely out of
the question. HEPA would require a minimum of six to nine months
to review the permit application and environmental impact
statement, and then there would have to be a 45-day public
comment period followed by public hearings. After any and all
public comments were considered, it could feasibly take 12 to 18
months before a permit could be issued.
And God said, "TO HELL WITH IT!"

How Inconsiderate!

Three men were stranded on a desert island. One day one of them found a
lantern from which a genie appeared. He told them that they had one wish
each.

The first guy said, "I wish I was back home." POOF! He was gone.

The second guy said, "I wish I was back home." POOF! He was gone.

The third guy scratched his head and said, "Gee, it sure is lonely, I wish
those other two guys were here......."

Teaching?

Getting and keeping students' attention, particularly as the semester
wears on, is always a problem. I offer my colleagues the following method
whereby I gain attention from the first moments of class, and regain it at
any time during the year.
Purchase one of those 'gourmet' candy canes from the stand most often
found near the check-out counter of the grocery store. It must be plain
white, no colors, no stripes. On the first day of class, break off an inch
or so, peel off the cellophane, and head into the classroom with this candy
hidden in your hand. Proceed to the chalkboard and pick up a piece of chalk.
Write your name on the board with the chalk, and as you finish, switch the
chalk with the candy. Turn around with the candy in place of the chalk, face
the students, and while giving them an intense look of meaningfull
concentration, place the candy in your mouth and chew. The louder, the better
During the next several minutes, it will occur to them that you have
just eaten your chalk. As the recognition crosses their faces, you may at
this time make note of the relative speed of cognition in this crop of
students. Or, simply watch the facial contortions for your own amusement.
As the semester progresses, and attention wavers, you may from time to
time stop in mid-sentence, walk to the board, grab a piece of chalk, and
consider it closely for several seconds. You will have regained the full
attention of the entire class.

Girl Talk

What girls say ======== ...what they mean

------------------------ ----------------------------------

Can't we just be friends? ======== There is no way in hell I am going
========================== to let any part of your body touch
========================== any part of mine, again.

I just need some space ======== ...without you in it

Can you help me with my ======== If I keep whining, the fool will do
homework? it for me.

Do I look fat in this dress? ======== We haven't had a fight in a while

No, pizza's fine ================== Cheap bastard

I just do not want a boyfriend ======== I just do not want (you as) a boy-
================================ now friend

I don't know; what do you want ======== I can't believe that you have
to do? ================================ nothing planned

Come here ================ My puppy does this too

I like you but... ================ I don't like you

You never listen ================ You never listen

We're moving too quickly ======== I am not going to sleep with you
========================== until I find out if this guy in Bio
========================== has a girlfriend

I'll be ready in a minute ======== I AM ready, but I am going to make
======================== you wait because I know you will.

Oh, no, I will pay for myself ======== I am just being nice; there is no
======================== way I am going dutch

Oh Yes! Right there ======== Well, near there; I just want to get
======================== this over with

I'm just going out with the ======== We are gonna get sloppy and make
girls. ======================== fun of you and your friends

There's no one else ======== I am doing your brother

Size doesn't count... ======== unless I want an orgasm

Boy Talk

What guys say... ============ ==== ...What they mean...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

It is just orange juice, ======== 3 more shots, and she'll have her
try it ================ ======== legs around my head.

She's kind of cute ======== I want to bang her till I am blue

I don't know if I like her ======== She won't blow me

I need you ======== My hand is tired

I had her ======== I had (wet dreams about) her all
week.

I really want to get to know you ======== ...so I can tell my friends about
better it

How do I compare with all your ======== Is my penis really that small?
Other boyfriends?

You're the only girl I've ever ======== You are the only girl who has not
cared about ======== ======== ======== rejected me

I want you back ======== ...for tonight anyway

We've been through so much ======== If it was not for you, I never
together =================== ===== would have lost my virginity

I miss you so much ======== I am so horny that my roommate is
starting to look good

No, I do not want to dance ======== Shoot! She'll know that I have a
right now ======== ======== ======== hard-on

The break-up should not start ======== I want to have sex a few more times
for another 24 hours

I am different from all the ======== I am not circumcised
other guys

The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,
doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a
bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes,
Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career,
goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

The 9 Types of Girlfriends (part2)

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love
onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel
about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed
weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction?

Optimist:
The glass is half full.

Pessimist:
The glass is half empty.

Futurist:
The milk's in the wrong half of the glass.

Pascal programmers:
Well, what type of milk is it?

C Programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.

Assembly programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.

Basic programmers:
No thanks; I'm still breast feeding.

MIS:
I'll drink it if you can give me until next year.

Fuzzy logic guys:
I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.

Prolog programmers:
I know I drank it - just don't ask me how.

Non-procedural language programmers:
I drank it when nobody was looking.

UI designers:
What's that crap in my glass?

Pentium users:
I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that.

Windows users:
Where's my straw?

Mac users:
Where's my pump?

UNIX users:
Nahh . . . too easy.

Multimedia author:
................


Shareware game author:
That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.

Security consultant:
Where'd the rest of the milk go?

CIA:
What makes you think that's milk?

NSA:
We know what it really is.

Copy protection crazies:
Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it!

Free Software Foundation:
That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind!

Schroedinger:
That damned cat got into the milk again!

Bill Gates:
Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk.

Apple Computer:
You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.

IBM:
Rent the glass from us and we'll fill it with something we know is
good for you.

IRS:
Thanks for getting your milk withholding correct this year.

National news media:
Hey, we wanted OJ!

SOME IMPORTANT THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS ARE ANSWERED IF WE THINK OF GOD AS A
COMPUTER PROGRAMMER.

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all
those variables.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.

Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes on in
the overnight job.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he
logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until
tomorrow.

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars.
On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the
maintenance phase.

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but
doubt that it will ever be implemented.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he
actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God
thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the
system when God has made it idiot-proof.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a backup tape.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching
backup files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will
just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running
exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the
users and managers demanded he tack senseless features onto it and now
everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off
his back and let him program.

Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the
one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common
word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail.

Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a
question. Abort, Retry, Fail?

Golf Joke 1

It was a beautiful sunny day at the golf course. The gentleman took aim on
the ball and drove his first shot deep into a wooded area. He sighed and
proceeded to the area where the ball had gone into the woods.
As he was looking around for his ball, he heard a voice calling to him. He
whirled around and there stood a very ugly witch. She had his golf ball and
explained to him that it had hit her in the head. She was not very pleased
about this, but went on to explain that she had little contact with the
outside world and when she did have an encounter, she condidered it a special
occasion.
The witch said that she had magical powers and would grant the man one
wish. However, when the wish was granted, the man would notice a tremendous
decrease in his sexual desire and ability to perform. The man thought about
this for a few minutes and then stated that he would agree to those
conditions.
The witch asked what his wish was and the man simply stated, "I want my
golf game to improve." The witch rocked back on her heels and stared at the
man. After a few minutes she said, "Is that all?". He said," Yes, that's it".
The witch said," Are you telling me that is all you want, when you could have
anything in this world?" The man looked her in straight in the eyes and
said,"Yes".
Two years later, on another beautiful day, the man is at the same golf
course and drives a tee shot into the woods. The man starts shaking because
he had not hooked or sliced a shot since the day he had encountered the
witch. He went into the woods and there stood the witch. She looked at him
and said, "I made your shot go bad because I wanted to talk to you." The man
was visibly relieved when he heard this and asked what she wanted. The witch
wanted to know if he had any regrets about his wish. The man said, "Well,
things couldn't be better with my golf game. I've won every major tournament
on the amateur circuit and I'll soon be on the PGA tour. As far as my sex
life, I have only had six encounters in 2 years. "Hasn't that bothered you?,"
asked the witch. The man said, "No, I'm allright". The witch said," Well, I'm
glad it all worked out, although there is nothing you or I can do about it
now - the spell that was cast can never be changed".
With that, they parted company. On his way out to the fairway, the man
said to himself, "The PGA Tour and sex three times a year - not bad for a
small parish priest".

Golf Joke 2

This guy is a bad golfer. He has a nasty slice, which he's working on.
Today, he overcompensates and hooks badly off the tee.
After much searching of the rough on the left of the fairway he finally
locates his ball sitting in the middle of a bed of buttercups. Well, he
thinks, gotta play it where it lies.
So he stands amid the buttercups and starts whacking away. The
buttercups are flying this way and that when suddenly there is a clap of
thunder and a brilliant flash of light, and a woman appears before him
dressed in a filmy white gown, her hair woven with flowers.
'Who are you?' the man asks.
'I'm Mother Nature,' the woman says, 'And it's not nice to mess with
Mother Nature! I saw you messing up my buttercups and I decided to appear
here and punish you. For one year, you may not have any butter. I have
spoken.'
The man wipes a hand across his brow. 'Whew', he says, 'that's a
relief!'
'Didn't you hear me, Mister?' the woman says, 'I said that for the next
year you can't have any butter! None at all! It's your punishment!'
'Lady, you don't understand,' the man replies. Today I hooked, but
usually I slice. If I had sliced today, the ball would be over on the
other side of the fairway. In the pussy-willows!'

Short Golf Jokes 1

A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk,
my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had
before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll
be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."
He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's
called golf."

----------------------------------------

When primitive man screamed, ran about wildly and beat the ground
with sticks, they called it "witchcraft."
When modern man does the same thing, they call it "golf."

----------------------------------------

"Dennis, how come you're using two caddies today?"
"My wife tells me that I don't spend enough time with my kids."

----------------------------------------

"Hey Smith, why don't you help your wife find her ball so we can
play through?"
"She found her ball. Now she's looking for her club."

----------------------------------------

"How'd the golf game go today, dear? Did you win?"
"No, but I got a lot of practice. I got to hit the ball more
than anyone else!"

----------------------------------------

"Doctor, we've got an emergency! My baby just swallowed all my
tees."
"I'll be there at once."
"But tell me what to do till you get here, doc?"
"Practice your putting."

Short Golf Jokes 2

"How's your golf game these days, Frank?"
"Pretty good. I'm shooting in the low seventies."
"Honestly?"
"What the hell has that got to do with it?"

-------------------------------------------------

"I went golfing with Scott yesterday," the attractive student
told her sorority sister.
"Does he use the woods well?" asked her friend.
"I really don't know," sighed the first girl. "He insisted on
playing golf all day."

-------------------------------------------------

"I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this
course," sighed Mac.
"Try heaven," advised the caddie. "You've already moved most of
the earth."

-------------------------------------------------

"Sweetheart, today is our wedding anniversary. Do you remember
that great day in our lives?"
"Boy, do I! Why, that was the day I sank a twenty-five foot
putt!"

-------------------------------------------------

A golfer shows up for his regular foursome except instead of
his usual partner he brings a gorilla with him. The other two
guys are shocked at first, but then start ribbing him a bit. He
scowls, "Shut up and watch this!" He tees up the ball for the
gorilla on the first hole, a par 5, 520 yd. hole. He hands the
gorilla a driver and the beast hits the ball 519 yds.
"Oh, man," groaned the other two golfers, "this is going to be
a long day."
So the other 3 men play their balls down to the green. One of
the guys on the opposing team shakes his head. "The gorilla is
lying in one, his score is going to be fantastic!"
"Not really," said the gorilla's partner, "there's this one
minor problem." He hands the gorilla the putter and the gorilla
drives the ball 519 yds.

Oh another longish Golf Joke (I love these because my dad is a huuuuge golf fan)

A golfer who was well into his golden years had a lifelong
ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California the way the
pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the
green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast.
It was something he had tried hundreds of times without
success. His ball always fell short, into the water. Because of
this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always
picked out one that had a cut or a nick.
Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came
to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent
prayer.
Before he hit it however, a powerful voice from above said,
"WAIT ... REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL."
He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact
that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him
finally achieve his lifelong ambition.
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down
again, "WAIT ... STEP BACK ... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."
So he stepped back and took a practice swing.
The voice boomed out again, "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING."
He did. Silence followed.
Then the voice spoke out again. "PUT BACK THE OLD BALL."

Good Crack at Men

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good
news and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said,
"Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've
got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow
you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent
conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a
penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form
and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have
this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed,
"These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be
bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said
with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only
gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time."

Good/Bad News


The Good News: Your dentist is very generous with nitrous oxide.

The Bad News: He always asks you to disrobe and put on a paper gown.


The good news: In a high speed auto crash, an airbag saves your life.

the bad news: the doctor tells your mother you had on dirty underwear.


the Good news: You just picked all the correct numbers in the Virginia Lottery.

the Bad news: you played them on the Maryland lottery.


(Switches here)


The bad news: Lorena found the filet knife.

The good news: Lorena couldn't find the cheese grater.


Good news: God speaks to you.

Bad news: he wants you to sacrificed a loved one.


Good news: three ghosts visit you Christmas eve, and change your life.

Bad news: Larry, Moe and Curley; and Moe puts your eye out...


Good news: Grandpa has been taken off the respirator and released from the
hospital.

Bad news. Because he's dead.


Good news: bacon is found to be good for you.

Bad news: only if boiled.

Good/Bad News cntd

Good news: You get an expensive designer bag.

Bad news: It's a colostomy bag.


Good news: You traded in that gun for a new pair of expensive jogging
shoes.

Bad news: On your way out, you're shot by someone who wants your shoes.


Good news: A thorough investigation of all available whitewater company
records exonerates the Clintons of any wrong doing.

Bad news: the White House Toilets are clogged

(And Finally, A good News/ Bad News joke!)

So God brings Clinton, Yeltsin and Bill Gates to his office and says "Men,
I've decided to bring an end to the world this Thursday -- I want you to go
back and tell your people."

Upon his return, Clinton holds a press conference and says "People of
America, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that all these years
we've been saying 'one nation under God' we've been right -- there is a God.
The bad news is he is destroying the world on Thursday."

Yeltsin makes an announcement to the Russian people and says "Brave comrads,
I have bad news and bad news. The first bad news is that we've been wrong all
these years -- there really is a God. The other bad news is he is going to
destroy the world on Thursday."

Bill Gates calls a board meeting of Microsoft. "I have good news and good
news!" he tells them. "The first good news is that God called a meeting of
the three people he thinks are the most important in the world and I was one
of them. The other good news is that the Mac OS stops shipping on Thursday."

GOOD * BAD * WORSE

Good: Your hubby & you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.

Good: Your wife bought you a porn movie.
Bad: It's over five years old.
Worse: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your son's interested in school.
Bad: He has to do extra credit to pass.
Worse: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.

Good: You give the "Birds & Bees" talk to your kid
Bad: He keeps interupting.
Worse: With corrections !

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer. (a GOOD one)

Good: Your wife sez you can go hunting all you want.
Bad: Because she's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Good: Your wife is helping bring in income.
Bad: She's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your spouse.

Hair cut

This blond goes in to a salon to get her hair cut. She's wearing a pair of
headphones, and the stylist says that he can't cut her hair with the
headphones on. She replies "No, you have to cut around the headphones, I
can't take them off". They argue about this for a few minutes, he finally
agrees to cut her hair around the headphones, but he will have to charge her
extra. She says, "That's ok, go ahead and cut it".

So he cuts her hair, and although it looks strange because of the
headphones, she's happy with it. So a few weeks later she comes in again.
Again she wants her hair cut around the headphones. He says, "No way, not
this time, this time I'm taking the headphones off". So he takes off the
headphones and throws them on the floor. He starts cutting her hair, and a
few minutes later, she falls out of the chair to the floor, dead. He
wonders what in the world is happening, so he picks up the headphones and
puts them on. He hears "breathe in... breathe out...breathe in... breathe
out..."

10 things that sound dirty on Halloween, but aren't:

1. So...What'd you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks.
5. I got the best piece from that house.
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling.
8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use two hands.
9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed but couldn't get my mouth around it.

42 ways to get electric power from hamsters (first ten)

1. Stick copper and zinc electrode-needles in opposite ends of hamster.
Use in series for higher voltage. -gwh

2. Shove them back and forth in Richard Gere's butt. Creates static
electricity.

3. Go to Radio Chack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA
batteries.

4. Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it onto a
trampoline.

5. Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine.

6. Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal-rights activists
and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric
current.

7. Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine to
generate electricity.

8. Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years,
drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine.

9. Cold Fusion - Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary. -seano

10. Any form of neutron capture / beta emission. -seano

42 ways to get electric power from hamsters (next ten)

20. Have hamster steal one of kube's magic cards. Leech power from
resulting nuclear strike.

21. Teach hamsters to play blackjack. Once they're at the competitive
level, convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert to serving hamsters.
Saved electricity from smaller lights, hotels, etc. -gwh

22. Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational force causes
the mass to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples to generate
energy. -gwh

23. Raid PG&E corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster down
CEO's pants unless he gives you a power plant. -gwh

24. Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth. Attach
dog sled.

25. (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them)
Combine the hamster with an equal mass of antimatter -- a anti-hamster
if you will. Then harness the massive energy release for power....

26. Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil Anti-Hamster,
Darth Hamster. This should be good for 4-6 sequels. Install tension to
electricity converters into theatre. -gwh

27. a. Find a _good_ genetic engineer.
b. Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into hamsters, because
they're smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters.
c. Feed the hamsters.
d. Surgically install appropriate electrodes.
e. Periodically drain off the voltage.
Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current.

P.S. How could I have been so blind? Splice in genes from blue-green algae as
well, and you wouldn't even have to feed the hamsters! (Well, maybe some
posphorous and iron and stuff)

28. Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you
power for free.

29. Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant lightning-
breathing hamster as power source.

30. Give the hamster to Scotty, he'll find some way to yeild 20% more power
from the dilithium crystals.