Actual signs seen out and about

The following are actual signs seen

across the good ol' U.S.A.~~

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a
glass container.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses
uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted
to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the
same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but
Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning
your home.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the
Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest
possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized
personnel.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available
in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your
wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17
necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool
suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated
when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to
leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking
flowers from any but their own graves.

On a roller coaster: Watch your head.

On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without
permission.

On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road
is impassable.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't
read this, it's time to wash your car.

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise
untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says "Do not throw
stones at this sign."

Adam and Eve

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to
God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me
with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm
just not happy"

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food
and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a
'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that
she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so
sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make
you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She
will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be
the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and
your left testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern
on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"

The rest, as they say, is history.

You know you are addicted to the Internet when...

* You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications
Decency Act.
* You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no
phone lines.
* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
cellular modem and a laptop.
* You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
* All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
* And even your night dreams are in HTML.
* You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a
word processor.com
* You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
* You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
* You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
* Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a
new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never
had heart problems before.
* You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved
and you don't have a clue when it happened.
* You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear
if new e-mail arrives.
* Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of
what she looks like.

You know you are addicted to the Internet when...cntd

* All of your friends have an @ in their names.
* When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all
of them are already highlighted in purple.
* Your dog has its own home page.
* You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway
through Lycos. or [C]ontinue?
* You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
* You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no
idea where your children are.
* You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
* You refer to your age as 3.x.
* You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and
even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
* Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
* Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on
your favorite IRC channel.
* You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
* You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends,
because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
* You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
* You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
* Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
* You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games
from Apogee.t, or [C]ontinue?
* You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
* You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check
your e-mail on the way back to bed.
* You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
* You tell the cab driver you live at
http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

You know you are addicted to the Internet when...cntd

* You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's
got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
* Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your
IRC channel.
* You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
* Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
* You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
* You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape
1.1 or higher."
* You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP...because you never log off.
* The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
* You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
front of your computer with a toilet.
* You forget what year it is.
* You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
* You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
* You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it
sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".
* You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed
to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
* You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
* Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy
another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

Alcohol joke

A man leaves a bar barely able to walk. It's raining and very dark.
Instead of turning left on exiting the bar, he turn right towards the
graveyard. It's been raining for some time, and the grave diggers have
had to abandon a grave they had dug which is there open waiting for some
fair weather so that the person who is supposed to be laid to rest there
can be buried. Our friend is stumbling around in the graveyard, and, sure
enough, he falls into this open grave. He's so drunk he can't figure out
where he is. It's still raining, dark, and cold. He begins to shout:
"Help me! I'm cold!" He continues this for some time.
Meanwhile another patron of the bar, just about as drun as the first,
exits the bar. He hears a faint "Help me! I'm cold!" wafting its way to
him through the dark, rainy, cold night from the cemetary. Curious, and
wanting to help if he can, this second drunken man starts looking in the
graveyard. Finally, he find the open grave with the first guy lying at
the bottom crying out "Help me! I'm cold." He looks the situation over,
and then he says, "No wonder you're cold. You've done kicked all the
dirt off you!"

Think you're smart? Try this out!

Knowledge is Power
Time is Money and as every engineer knows,
Power is Work over Time.

So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom,
we get:
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)

Now, do a few simple substitutions:

Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)

Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:

K = W/M (5).

Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:

Knowledge equals Work over Money.

What this MEANS is that:

1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

Solving for Money, we get:

M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge.

From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge
approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.

What THIS MEANS is:

The More you Make, the Less you Know.

Solving for Work, we get

W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge

From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches
0.

What THIS MEANS is:

The stupid rich do little or no work.

Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left
as an exercise for the reader.


Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Aliens in Detroit.

Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas
station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The
first thing they see that resembles a being is the gas pump. The two
aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your
leader!" Of course he gets no response...

The first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again.
"Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Of course, still no
response...

The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show
me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!"

At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the
next block."

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle
to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling
take me to your leader!" Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his
ray gun and vaporizes the pump...

The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way
down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to
the second Alien. "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you
warn me!?" The second replies "Well, I didn't know exactly *what* was
going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna' mess with a guy who's dick
hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough
to stick in his left ear!

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM MY CAT

* Life is hard and then you nap.
* Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours
* Variety is the spice of life: One day ignore people, the next day
annoy them, and play with them when they're busy.
* Climb your way to the top -- that's why the drapes are there.
* Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone's face.
* Make your mark in the world -- or at least spray in each corner.
* When you go out into the world, always remember, being placed on a
pedestal is a right, not a privilege.
* Make love loudly and have your babies quietly.

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM MY DOG!

* If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what
you want.
*When it comes to having sex, if at first you don't succeed, beg.
*Don't go out without I.D.
*Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by
piddling on their shoes.
*Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
*Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
*Always give people a friendly greeting - a cold nose in the
crotch is effective.
*When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon
as you're dragged out from under the bed).
*If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

WATCH OUT, GUYS, ALL MEN ARE NOW ILLEGAL

Ask yourself this question: Are you a guy of the male gender?
If so, I advise you to report to prison immediately, because you
are violating a federal law.

I base this statement on a letter I got from alert reader
Richard Watkins, M.D., who sent me a shocking medical document
concerning the federal Anabolic Steroids Control Act. Steroids,
as you know, are substances that some guys put in their bodies in
an effort to develop bulging, rippling, sharply defined muscles
like the ones Michael Keaton wore in "Batman." This is foolish,
because women are not attracted to rippling, sharply defined
muscles. Women prefer a type of male physique that is known, in
body-building circles, as: "the newspaper columnist." This is a
softer, more-rounded, aerodynamic shape, similar to the one used
in the popular Ford Taurus station wagon. This physique has
inspired a whole line of mature-guy casual pants, which go by the
name "Dockers" because it was not considered a shrewd marketing
move to come right out and call them "Pants For The Bigger-Butted
Man."

But back to steroids: They have bad side effects, although it
took medical researchers many years to discover this. They'd get
a bunch of steroid users together and say, "OK, anybody having bad
side effects, raise your hand!" The steroid users would strain
and grunt like water buffaloes in labor, but due to their extreme
muscularity they couldn't raise their hands above their waists.
Many of them must press elevator buttons with their foreheads

WATCH OUT, GUYS, ALL MEN ARE NOW ILLEGAL (part2)

The result was that medical researchers had no idea what kinds
of problems steroids were causing until one day when they happened
to ask for oral responses. Then they discovered the awful truth:
Steroids can cause men to develop *thick Austrian accents.* This
is what happened to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was actually born
and raised in Topeka, Kan., and spoke like a regular American
until he used steroids to build his body up to the point where he
was legally classified by the US Census Bureau as "construction
equipment."

Today, of course, Arnold is a steroid-free person with a
successful career as a versatile film actor who has played a
variety of roles, ranging from a large man with a thick Austrian
accent who throws bad guys off apartment roofs, to a large man
with a thick Austrian accent who throws bad guys off *hotel
roofs.* He's also an active Republican and was recently appointed
chairman of the President's Council on Physical Fitness in a
moving Rose Garden ceremony that culminated in Arnold trowing Sen.
Edward Kennedy off the White House roof.

So anyway, the government is cracking down on steroids. I
thought this was a fine idea until I got Dr. Watkins' letter,
which is written on a hospital physical-examination form, in the
section headed "Chief Compaaint and Present Illness."

"Here I am," Dr. Watkins writes, "sitting around in my doctor
suit waiting for an emergency to happen, and suddenly I get a
memo: *On Feb. 27, 1991, testosterone was declared a controlled
substance, like heroin."*

WATCH OUT, GUYS, ALL MEN ARE NOW ILLEGAL (part3)

My immediate reaction was to think that Dr. Watkins had been
wearing his stethoscope way too tight. But it turns out he's
telling the absolute truth. With his letter, he enclosed a
document from the Group Health Cooperative of Puget Sound, listing
various types of anabolic steroids now controlled by the federal
government, and *testosterone* is on the list. I swear I am not
making this up.

This is a big problem, because *many* guys, including several
known Supreme Court members, are walking around with testosterone
in their, um, possession.

They can't help it. As Dr. Watkins put it, in medical term-
inology, testosternone is "a substance exuded by your you-know organs,
herein-after your Ralphs."

In small quantities, testosterone produces only mild side
effects, such as the inablility to stop pressing the channel-chang-
ing button on the TV remote control. But at higher levels, testos-
terone causes destructive male behavior, the two most terrible kinds
being:
1. War
2. Do-it-yourself projects.

It's a well-known fact that a male with even a moderate testos-
terone level would rather drill a hole in his hand (which he prob-
ably will) than admit, especially to his spouse, that he cannot do
something himself. Put an ordinary male on the Space Shuttle, and
within minutes he'll be telling his spouse that by God he'll repair
the retro thruster modules, because if you call in NASA they'll just
charge you an arm and a leg. I personally have destroyed numerous
perfectly good rooms by undertaking frenzied testosterone-induced
efforts to fix them up despite the fact that I have the manual dex-
terity of an oyster. Hundreds of years from now, archeologists
will look at my home-improvement projects and say, "This civiliza-
tion was apparently wiped out by a terrible natural disaster in-
volving spackle."

So we see that the criminalization of testosterone is a good
thing. I'm not sure how the authorities will enforce this law,
but I imagine they'll start by arresting those with obviously
excessive testosterone levels, such as Warren Beatty, the National
Hockey Leaugue, Bluto and Phyllis Schlafly.

Eventually all of us guys will be arrested and placed in a
rehabilitation program (motto: "Just Say No To Ralph") and they
won't let us out until we pass a strict test wherein we have to
hold a TV remote control in our hands and watch one show for
*three consecutive minutes.*

TOP 10 REASONS WHY KITTENS ARE BETTER THAN BABIES

10. Veterinarians have evening hours.

9. Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie with its
crying. Hell, you don't even have to take the kitten with you,
and if you don't, you don't even have to worry about whether or
not the sitter is available tonight.

8. Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but expensive clothes
within three months.

7. Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath in a month.

6. You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how
you're going to finance your kitten's college education.

5. No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don't
want to breast feed your kitten.

4. No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you
fondle your kitten.

3. Dan Quayle can't accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of
the country if you aren't married to the father of your kitten. In
fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is.

2. No one will question your abilities to function normally at
your job when they hear you just got a kitten.

And the Number One reason why kittens are better than babies...

1. You only have to change the litter box once a day.

amusing quotes

-smile, its the second best thing you can do with your lips
-sex is like air, its not important unless you aren't getting any.
-never take life seriously. nobody gets out alive anyways
-if vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
-no guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
-cocain is gods way of telling you you make too much money.
-lite beer is like making love in a canoe-fucking close to water.
-if quiters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool that
first said "quit while you are ahead"?
-if you don't die from it it is healthy.
-never sleep with anyone crazier than you.
-everybody should believe in something-i believe i'll have another drink.
-it is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
-if everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on.
-sex is like snow. you never know how many inches you are going to get,
or how long it will last.
-one good turn gets most of the blankets
-there is no difference between a wise man and a fool when it comes to
love.
-it is better to be looked over than to be overlooked
-women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
-why is there a lock on the door to 7-11? it is open 24 hours a day.
-if con is the opposite of pro, then would the opposite of progress be
congress?
-duct tape is like the force-there is a light side and a dark side and it
holds the universe together.
-there are three kinds of people. those who count and those who can't.
-it is not what a teenager know that bothers his parents. it is how he
found out!
-since blue and white is the international sign for handicapped, what
does that say about the iowa licence plates?
-my homework is like a juicy steak-rarely done.
-there are two kinds of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.
-if elvis were alive right now, he'd be scratching at the inside of his
coffin.
-life is sexually transmitted
-everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.
-an unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
if at first you dont succeed-give up! no use being a damn fool.
-time is natures way of making sure that all the shit doesn't happen at
once.
-falling in love is awfully simple. falling out of love is simply awful
-all things being equal, you lose.
-you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people
some of the time, but you cant fool mom.
-no job is so simple that it cannot be done wrong
-you can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
-only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.
-everything is possible except skiing through revolving doors.
-disco is to music what the etch-a-sketch is to art.
-the sum of the intelligence on the planet is constand, but the
population is increasing
-Fundamental law of the universe. nothing travels faster than a
bouncing check.
-the man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame
it on

Quotes from the Oscars

Whoppi Goldberg during her opening monologue - You don't ask a black
woman to buy an expensive dress and then cover it with ribbons... I got
a red ribbon for AIDS awareness. Done. I got a purple ribbon for breast
cancer. Done. I got a yellow ribbon for the troops in Bosnia. Done. I
got a green ribbon to free the Chinese dissidents. Done. I got a milky
white ribbon for mad cow disease. Done. I got a rainbow ribbon for gay
rights. Done, done, done again. I got a fake fur ribbon for animal
rights. Done. A wet white ribbon to end Whitewater. Done. A seersucker
ribbon to let Martin Landau finish his speech from last year. Done. A
plaid ribbon that Mel Gibson wore in Braveheart instead of pants. Done.
And a blue ribbon that somebody swiped off Babe. Enough with the
ribbons, it's done.

Whoppi Goldberg, still during her monologue - Women's roles were
interesting this year. Elisabeth Shue played a hooker, Mira Sorvino
played a hooker, Sharon Stone played a hooker. How many times did
Charlie Sheen get to vote?

Nathan Lane on Disney's marketing skills - Who else could have brought
you "Little Mermaid" fish sticks, "The Lion King" push-up bra, which I'm
wearing right now, "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" backpack, and the
"Pocahontas" home pregnancy test.

Nathan Lane, apparently in reference to Jesse Jackson's protest about
the lack of black actors nominated - I just saw Ross Perot outside
screaming. He wanted to know why more nutty billionaires weren't
nominated.

genuine news bloopers

Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers.

* On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere
thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and
contributing to the death of her husband.

* The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it
crashed, witnesses said.

* With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not
concern us here), every single crime committed in this
nation of ours involves a victim.

* A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane
recently.

* Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support
from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task
force on driving while intoxicated.

* He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne
has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being
arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.

* Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws,
regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control
morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.

* A college friendship that began a year ago ended in
matrimony yesterday.

HOW TO PRESERVE A HUSBAND

Dear Ann Landers:
A long time ago, you printed a recipe called "How to Preserve a Husband." It
was just wonderful, and I thought it might be a good idea to print it again.
How about it, Ann?
New Orleans Reader

Dear New Orleans Reader:
I agree. Here it is: HOW TO PRESERVE A HUSBAND First, use care in selection.
Get one that is not too young, but tender and healthy. If you choose one
recklessly, it may not keep.
Don't put in hot water. This makes them turn sour. Sweeten with smiles, and
spice with patience. All varieties will respond. To ensure a wonderful
consistency, stir gently over a low flame and don't leave unattended for long
periods of time. To add a delicious flavor, sprinkle generously with praise
and appreciation.
The poorest specimen may be improved if you follow these instructions and
will keep for an unlimited number of years in any climate.
Tested by Yours Truly.

Dear Truly:
I'd like to add one small suggestion: Frequent exposure to cold temperatures
has been known to damage this dish permanently. Keep a small and steady flame
going at all times.

101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE

1. Put your face really close to theirs while they're facing a
different direction, tap them on the shoulder, and watch them jump
when they turn to face you.

2. Copy their actions and everything they say.

3. Step on the backs of their heels while they're walking.

4. Yell across a crowded room to them: "Hey, John, the results came
back from the V.D. clinic: we're clean!"

5. In a communal shower or shower house, turn the hot water all the
way up and the cold water all the way down (or vice versa) while
they're rinsing the shampoo out of their hair and can't see
anything. Or, when you're finished showering, go outside and turn
the main valve off.

6. Pretend you don't understand what they're saying, no matter how
much they yell and how slowly they say it.

7. When somebody asks, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" reply, "No, all
of them."

8. When somebody asks, "Do you have the time?" reply, "Yeah."

9. If you have a dot matrix printer, leave the little computer paper
tracks on the paper when turning in a report or essay.

10. Ask an artist, "It's not finished yet, is it?"

11. On a summer day, ask anybody, "Hot enuff for ya?"(NOTE: Proper
response to this question is to hit offender in the face and ask,
"Hurt enough for you?")

12. Sign someone up on a junk mail list.

13. Go into a frozen yogurt joint where they have lots of toppings.
Order a cup, and say to the guy, in the most annoying tone
imaginable, "Do you have M&M's? Yeah? Good. How 'bout raisins?
Yeah, and sprinkles. Do you have cookie crumbs?" After he has
proceeded to put them on the yogurt, exclaim, "I hate cookie
crumbs. They make me sick. I can't even smell them, that's how
much I hate them. Aagh, yuck!" Watch the salesperson fume as he is
forced to throw away the entire cup.

14. Walk into a store that has a sign that says, "Have a penny? Give a
penny! Need a penny? Take a penny!" with a HUGE jar of pennies.
Take a penny out of the cup, put it into your jar, and walk out.

15. Pull up alongside somebody while driving on the freeway, and
gesture violently, indicating that they should pull over
immediately. When they pull over, just continue driving.

101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE cntd

16. Take a pencil, stick a piece of chewed gum onto it, and stick it
to the ground. Then wait for some cheap-o to come along and try to
pick it up.

17. Play 'Penis.'

18. While standing next to someone, unobtrusively reach your arm
around their back, and tap them on the opposite shoulder.

19. Tell someone, "Okay, here's what you do: bite down on both your
pinky nails really hard for about thirty seconds, and then when I
tell you that time is up, link your pinkies and pull really hard."
If they ask, "Why?" tell them that it feels really neat. If done
correctly, this trick should cause excruciating pain.

20. Engage someone in a conversation, and have a friend sneak up
behind them, and get down on his hands and knees. Then, all of a
sudden, violently push the person to whom you are talking, and
laugh with sadistic glee as they tumble backwards over the person
kneeling behind them.

21. Tell someone, "Man, your hands smell bad!" When they try to smell
their hand, smack it so it hits their face. This one can also be
performed with a piece of pie. When they lean down to smell the
pie, grab the back of their head and smoosh it into the pie.

22. After somebody finishes telling a joke, say in a very grave tone,
"My brother (sister/mother/father) died that way."

23. Walk up behind somebody wearing a button down shirt or a short
sleeved collar shirt, insert your finger into the little strip of
fabric sewn across the top just below the collar, yell "FAG TAG!"
at the top of your lungs, and rip it off.

24. Give somebody a grundy.

25. Pinch a guy's nipple. You may also pinch a girl's nipple if you
please, but this falls under '101 Ways to Sexually Harass People.'

26. Leave the following message on someone's answering machine: "Sir,
we're not sure if you wanted us to do it, you know, after what
happened, so, well, we went ahead and did it anyway. If you don't
like it, we can probably take it out, but we'll have to charge you
extra. Please return this call immediately. Thanks."

27. Tell somebody that's wearing velcro shoes or slip-ons that their
shoelaces are untied.

28. Tell lots of puns.

29. Be a Jew for Jesus.

30. Give somebody a Wet Willy.

101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE cntd

31. Turn on somebody's radio up all the way and turn their windshield
wipers on while the car is off.

32. Take a stick of gum out of it's paper and foil wrapper, then
carefully re-fold the foil wrapper and stick it back into the
paper wrapper. Offer this to someone as a stick of gum.

33. Pay for a tube of toothpaste with a check at the supermarket.

34. On the bus, try to engage somebody in a conversation about genital
warts.

35. Delete somebody's AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS files.

36. When walking behind someone outside, pull up a long piece of
grass, and gently tickle them behind the ear with it. The first
time, they'll try to brush it away. The second time they'll swat
at it, and smack themselves. Generally, the third time they turn
around and look behind themselves.

37. Take a wire, and stick it all the way through a cigar or
cigarette. Let the ash get really long, and pretend you don't
notice everybody staring at it, waiting for it to fall.

38. When they're about half way through with it, remove one piece from
the box of a jigsaw puzzle, and throw it away.

39. Hide the remote control.

40. Call a house at random, and ask for Gary. When they tell you that
there's no Gary there, call again a little while later. Do this at
intervals about four times. Finally, when they're fuming and about
to scream bloody murder, call a fifth time, and say, "Hi, this is
Gary. Are there any messages for me?"

41. Take a deck of cards, and say, "Okay, I'm gonna do a magic trick."
Ask the person to pick any card, and put it anywhere in the deck.
After they have shuffled the deck thoroughly, take the deck back.
Ask, "What was your card?" When they tell you, say, "Not only has
your card magically come to the top of the deck, but it has also
magically turned into..." Pick up the top card, look at it, and
name it.

42. When somebody is talking very excitedly at a restaurant, pick up
their plate, hand it to them, and nod gravely. Wait for them to
notice and wonder why they are holding their plate.

43. Exclaim in a crowded theater, "No, I won't touch you there for a
dollar! No, not two dollars, either!"

44. Approach somebody quietly from behind, grab them, and scream,
"Booga booga!" or any other such exclamation loudly. This works
extremely well on high strung people.

45. Be chronically late. Not really late, but always be about five or
seven minutes late. This really gets anal retentive people. I
know.

101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE cntd

46. Shave with someone elses razor. For some reason, a lot of people
are really touchy about that. Once again, I know.


47. Once again at a restaurant, one with a candle in the middle of the
table, while someone is up before the food has come, take their
plate, hold the bottom rim over the candle, and rotate it so you
get a lot of soot on the bottom of the plate. When they come back,
say, "I'm going to hypnotize you. Pick up your plate in your left
hand, and with your right hand, copy all my actions." Proceed to
rub your index finger around the bottom rim of your plate, and in
a circle on your forehead. Then around the rim, and each of your
eyes. Keep going, with different parts of the face, until they
notice.

48. Cut out an article or section of the newspaper before someone else
has had a chance to read it.

49. Send a letter with twenty-nine one cent stamps.

50. Go into a locker room with a pocket knife, and cut off all the
shoelaces that are hanging out of the lockers.

51. When someone asks, "Are there any questions?" ask, "Where do
babies come from?" This is one of my favorites.

52. Step on someone's feet, and push them backwards.

53. Take their hat.

54. Grab a book that someone is reading, open it to the last page, and
read this out loud.

55. When riding shotgun in a convertible, surreptitiously reach over
and put up just the rear windows. In a convertible, this looks
REALLY stupid.

56. Take an envelope, fill it with baking powder or flour,and send it
to somebody.

57. At a fast food restaurant, push down the bubbles on the drink tops
of everybody's drink.

58. Crack all your knuckles. A lot of people can't stand fingers, and
I know some people who have almost fainted upon the cracking of
the neck.

59. Sing, "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, I know a
song that gets on everybody's nerves..." over and over again to
the tune of the first two lines of The Battle Hymn of the
Republic.

60. Pay for an item at a store with all pennies.

101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE cntd

61. When you're out of the house all night for a weekend, leave your
clock-radio on for it's normal wake-up time of about 6:30 or 7:30,
and turn the volume up.

62. At a red light, put your car in gear and creep slowly forward,
while gesturing to the person in the car next to you that they
must be rolling backwards.

63. Drive with your brights on just to see how many people flash their
lights at you.

64. Tailgating can be one of the most effective forms of annoyance
know to man.

65. Walk up to someone you know, and say something to the effect of,
"Hey, did you hear what happened to Jim? Well he was with...oh,
man, I really shouldn't tell you this. No, I promised I wouldn't
tell. No, I can't tell you, sorry."


66. When they are out of their room, move everything they own to a
different location.

67. Change all the preset stations on their car radio tuner to
classical and country/western stations.

68. Slurp your soup or your breakfast cereal.

69. Tap the person on the shoulder continuously, and when you have
their attention, just continue tapping them on the shoulder.

70. At a movie theater, unwrap a candy bar as loudly as is humanly
possible, preferably during dialogue.

71. At a public library, get a book which hasn't been checked out yet,
and slip it into somebody's book bag when they're not looking.

72. Take off the letters one of those sign boards that have the
removable letters. Spell rude things with them.

73. Answer the phone "Domino's Pizza, how can I help you?" at someone
else's house. Or at your own house, if you really want.

74. At night, rearrange somebody's furniture. At the very least,
they'll be surprised when they get up in the morning. But, better
yet, call them in the middle of the night, so they have to get up,
and stumble over a chair that wasn't there before.

75. Many telephone answering machines have two digit passwords for
retrieving messages and that kind of thing, and often times, the
default on many models is 25, which people don't bother to change.
This is an excellent way to hack answering machines, or, if this
doesn't work, it's not that hard to try all 100 combinations.
Regardless, once you've hacked the machine, a fun thing to do is
to change the message. This is supremely annoying.

101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE cntd

76. Call a credit card company and report somebody's card as missing.
Next time they try to use it, they'll have it confiscated and cut
into little bitty pieces.

77. Take all the labels off of their video tapes.

78. There are a myriad of non-harmful but incredibly annoying computer
viruses, such as Red-X, Cascade, Heeva Havah, Whale, and more.
Their effects vary, and they can be a pain in the butt to remove
from one's hard drive.

79. An old but still great and incredibly useful annoyance technique
is the age old, tried and true 'Kick Me' sign on the back. A
classic.

80. Write taunting messages at random places in an assignment notebook
or executive planner.

81. Another classic is to get about three other people in on a joke
that has no meaning at all, and tell it with those three people
and the victim in the room. All the people 'in' on the joke laugh,
and the victim doesn't get it. When he asks, say, "Oh, never mind.
If you don't get it, it's not worth explaining. My favorite is, "A
hippo and a penguin are taking a bath together. The hippo says,
'Pass the soap,' and the penguin says, 'No soap. Radio!'"

82. Yet another age old family of annoying jokes are as follows:
"Would you happen to have a henway on you?" "A henway? What's a
henway?" "About three pounds."

83. Talk to the characters in a television show, like yelling out
loud, "Don't go in there! The bad guys are in there!"

84. When you take a shower, leave the shower/bath valve on shower.

85. Women hate it when men leave the toilet seat up.

86. During an exam, tap your foot on the floor continuously. This
works very well on linoleum, especially if you can find a part of
the floor where the linoleum is coming loose, and it makes a very
loud sound.

87. Be a street mime.

88. Remove the doorstop from hallway doors. Or better yet, if you have
the time and the motivation, take out the screw that holds the two
'arms' of the spring closer together.

89. Write poetry for a school newspaper or publication.

90. For women: ask your friends, "Do I look fat to you?"

101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE cntd

91. Put a lubricated condom on somebody's door knob.

92. Go out behind somebody's house at night, and find the box marked
"Illinois Bell Customer Service," or whatever state you live in.
Open this up using a flat head screwdriver, and attach a wire
across the green and red wires. This will leave the phone off
hook, and once the too-long-off-hook signal starts going, the
person will be forced to go to another's house to use the phone to
call Ma Bell so they can figure out is going on.

93. Put a dead fish in somebody's trunk. Works best during the summer.

94. Take a chalkboard eraser and insert a piece of chalk into, so that
when somebody goes to erase the board, they leave a chalk mark.

95. At a restaurant, have the victim place both his hands on the table
palms down. Balance a glass of water on the back of each hand. The
person is now trapped, unable to remove either glass without help.
(Actually, there is a solution: place your chin against one glass,
and using that to hold it steady, remove the other glass.)

96. A similar 'trap' is to have a person stick their forefinger and
thumb through the space on the hinged side of an open door, just
above the top hinge. Put an egg between their fingers and ask them
to hold it. Then, take their hat and put it on the floor
underneath the egg.
97. Take a paper or styrofoam cup, and punch a small hole in it near
the base. Grasp the cup, with your thumb over the hole, and fill
it with water. Now, casually walk up to someone, and ask them to
hold the cup.

98. Take a bungee cord like the kind used to tie a car hood down, and
while someone is sitting in a chair in front of you, carefully and
quietly hook one end to their belt loop, and the other to the
chair leg or underside. If they are sitting on a plastic chair,
the chair will spring up when they stand up, and fall over, making
a loud clatter. Better yet, though, if they're sitting near a wall
fixture, just attach them to that.

99. Shake up somebody's can of soda before they drink it.

100. Loosen the tops on the salt and pepper shakers at a restaurant.

101. Take a cheap ball point pen, and bend it sharply to break open
the ink well, or open the pen up and cut the ink well open. Lend
this pen to somebody.

101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE TAKE 2

1. Put your face really close to theirs while they're facing a
different direction, tap them on the shoulder, and watch them jump
when they turn to face you.

2. Copy their actions and everything they say.

3. Step on the backs of their heels while they're walking.

4. Yell across a crowded room to them: "Hey, John, the results came
back from the V.D. clinic: we're clean!"

5. In a communal shower or shower house, turn the hot water all the
way up and the cold water all the way down (or vice versa) while
they're rinsing the shampoo out of their hair and can't see
anything. Or, when you're finished showering, go outside and turn
the main valve off.

6. Pretend you don't understand what they're saying, no matter how
much they yell and how slowly they say it.

7. When somebody asks, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" reply, "No, all
of them."

8. When somebody asks, "Do you have the time?" reply, "Yeah."

9. If you have a dot matrix printer, leave the little computer paper
tracks on the paper when turning in a report or essay.

10. Ask an artist, "It's not finished yet, is it?"

11. On a summer day, ask anybody, "Hot enuff for ya?"(NOTE: Proper
response to this question is to hit offender in the face and ask,
"Hurt enough for you?")

12. Sign someone up on a junk mail list.

13. Go into a frozen yogurt joint where they have lots of toppings.
Order a cup, and say to the guy, in the most annoying tone
imaginable, "Do you have M&M's? Yeah? Good. How 'bout raisins?
Yeah, and sprinkles. Do you have cookie crumbs?" After he has
proceeded to put them on the yogurt, exclaim, "I hate cookie
crumbs. They make me sick. I can't even smell them, that's how
much I hate them. Aagh, yuck!" Watch the salesperson fume as he is
forced to throw away the entire cup.

14. Walk into a store that has a sign that says, "Have a penny? Give a
penny! Need a penny? Take a penny!" with a HUGE jar of pennies.
Take a penny out of the cup, put it into your jar, and walk out.

15. Pull up alongside somebody while driving on the freeway, and
gesture violently, indicating that they should pull over
immediately. When they pull over, just continue driving.