101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE TAKE 2 cntd

16. Take a pencil, stick a piece of chewed gum onto it, and stick it
to the ground. Then wait for some cheap-o to come along and try to
pick it up.

17. Play 'Penis.'

18. While standing next to someone, unobtrusively reach your arm
around their back, and tap them on the opposite shoulder.

19. Tell someone, "Okay, here's what you do: bite down on both your
pinky nails really hard for about thirty seconds, and then when I
tell you that time is up, link your pinkies and pull really hard."
If they ask, "Why?" tell them that it feels really neat. If done
correctly, this trick should cause excruciating pain.

20. Engage someone in a conversation, and have a friend sneak up
behind them, and get down on his hands and knees. Then, all of a
sudden, violently push the person to whom you are talking, and
laugh with sadistic glee as they tumble backwards over the person
kneeling behind them.

21. Tell someone, "Man, your hands smell bad!" When they try to smell
their hand, smack it so it hits their face. This one can also be
performed with a piece of pie. When they lean down to smell the
pie, grab the back of their head and smoosh it into the pie.

22. After somebody finishes telling a joke, say in a very grave tone,
"My brother (sister/mother/father) died that way."

23. Walk up behind somebody wearing a button down shirt or a short
sleeved collar shirt, insert your finger into the little strip of
fabric sewn across the top just below the collar, yell "FAG TAG!"
at the top of your lungs, and rip it off.

24. Give somebody a grundy.

25. Pinch a guy's nipple. You may also pinch a girl's nipple if you
please, but this falls under '101 Ways to Sexually Harass People.'

26. Leave the following message on someone's answering machine: "Sir,
we're not sure if you wanted us to do it, you know, after what
happened, so, well, we went ahead and did it anyway. If you don't
like it, we can probably take it out, but we'll have to charge you
extra. Please return this call immediately. Thanks."

27. Tell somebody that's wearing velcro shoes or slip-ons that their
shoelaces are untied.

28. Tell lots of puns.

29. Be a Jew for Jesus.

30. Give somebody a Wet Willy.

101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE TAKE 2 cntd

31. Turn on somebody's radio up all the way and turn their windshield
wipers on while the car is off.

32. Take a stick of gum out of it's paper and foil wrapper, then
carefully re-fold the foil wrapper and stick it back into the
paper wrapper. Offer this to someone as a stick of gum.

33. Pay for a tube of toothpaste with a check at the supermarket.

34. On the bus, try to engage somebody in a conversation about genital
warts.

35. Delete somebody's AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS files.

36. When walking behind someone outside, pull up a long piece of
grass, and gently tickle them behind the ear with it. The first
time, they'll try to brush it away. The second time they'll swat
at it, and smack themselves. Generally, the third time they turn
around and look behind themselves.

37. Take a wire, and stick it all the way through a cigar or
cigarette. Let the ash get really long, and pretend you don't
notice everybody staring at it, waiting for it to fall.

38. When they're about half way through with it, remove one piece from
the box of a jigsaw puzzle, and throw it away.

39. Hide the remote control.

40. Call a house at random, and ask for Gary. When they tell you that
there's no Gary there, call again a little while later. Do this at
intervals about four times. Finally, when they're fuming and about
to scream bloody murder, call a fifth time, and say, "Hi, this is
Gary. Are there any messages for me?"

41. Take a deck of cards, and say, "Okay, I'm gonna do a magic trick."
Ask the person to pick any card, and put it anywhere in the deck.
After they have shuffled the deck thoroughly, take the deck back.
Ask, "What was your card?" When they tell you, say, "Not only has
your card magically come to the top of the deck, but it has also
magically turned into..." Pick up the top card, look at it, and
name it.

42. When somebody is talking very excitedly at a restaurant, pick up
their plate, hand it to them, and nod gravely. Wait for them to
notice and wonder why they are holding their plate.

43. Exclaim in a crowded theater, "No, I won't touch you there for a
dollar! No, not two dollars, either!"

44. Approach somebody quietly from behind, grab them, and scream,
"Booga booga!" or any other such exclamation loudly. This works
extremely well on high strung people.

45. Be chronically late. Not really late, but always be about five or
seven minutes late. This really gets anal retentive people. I
know.

101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE TAKE 2 cntd

46. Shave with someone elses razor. For some reason, a lot of people
are really touchy about that. Once again, I know.


47. Once again at a restaurant, one with a candle in the middle of the
table, while someone is up before the food has come, take their
plate, hold the bottom rim over the candle, and rotate it so you
get a lot of soot on the bottom of the plate. When they come back,
say, "I'm going to hypnotize you. Pick up your plate in your left
hand, and with your right hand, copy all my actions." Proceed to
rub your index finger around the bottom rim of your plate, and in
a circle on your forehead. Then around the rim, and each of your
eyes. Keep going, with different parts of the face, until they
notice.

48. Cut out an article or section of the newspaper before someone else
has had a chance to read it.

49. Send a letter with twenty-nine one cent stamps.

50. Go into a locker room with a pocket knife, and cut off all the
shoelaces that are hanging out of the lockers.

51. When someone asks, "Are there any questions?" ask, "Where do
babies come from?" This is one of my favorites.

52. Step on someone's feet, and push them backwards.

53. Take their hat.

54. Grab a book that someone is reading, open it to the last page, and
read this out loud.

55. When riding shotgun in a convertible, surreptitiously reach over
and put up just the rear windows. In a convertible, this looks
REALLY stupid.

56. Take an envelope, fill it with baking powder or flour,and send it
to somebody.

57. At a fast food restaurant, push down the bubbles on the drink tops
of everybody's drink.

58. Crack all your knuckles. A lot of people can't stand fingers, and
I know some people who have almost fainted upon the cracking of
the neck.

59. Sing, "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, I know a
song that gets on everybody's nerves..." over and over again to
the tune of the first two lines of The Battle Hymn of the
Republic.

60. Pay for an item at a store with all pennies.

Xmas Carol

T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop,
The computers were whirring; they never do stop.
The power was on and the temperature right,
In hopes that the input would feed back that night.
The system was ready, the program was coded,
And memory drums had been carefully loaded;
While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene,
The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green.
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
The programmer ran to see what was the matter.
Away to the hallway he flew like a flash,
Forgetting his key in his curious dash.
He stood in the hallway and looked all about,
When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out.
Then, in the computer room what should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer;
And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause,
Chuckled: "My name is Santa...the last name is Claus."

The computer was startled, confused by the name,
Then it buzzed as it heard the old fellow exclaim:
"This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen."
With all these odd names, it was puzzled anew;
It hummed and it clanked, and a main circuit blew.
It searched in its memory core, trying to "think";
Then the multi-line printer went out on the blink.

Unable to do its electronic job,
It said in a voice that was almost a sob:
"Your eyes - how they twinkle - your dimples so merry,
Your cheeks so like roses, your nose like a cherry,
Your smile - all these things, I've been programmed to know,
And at data-recall, I am more than so-so;
But your name and your address (computers can't lie),
Are things that I just cannot identify.
You've a jolly old face and a little round belly,
That shakes when you laugh like a bowlful of jelly;
My scanners can see you, but still I insist,
Since you're not in my program, you cannot exist!"

Old Santa just chuckled a merry "ho, ho",
And sat down to type out a quick word or so.
The keyboard clack-clattered, its sound sharp and clean,
As Santa fed this "data" to the machine:
"Kids everywhere know me; I come every year;
The presents I bring add to everyone's cheer;
But you won't get anything - that's plain to see;
Too bad your programmers forgot about me."
Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug,
"Merry Christmas to All," as he pulled out its plug!

A Play On Words

OK, you know that in Hollywood, every producer has his "Yes Man" whose job
is to follow the producer around and say, "Yes, CB", "Right, CB" and so
on. Well, one of these Yes Men got depressed, so down in fact that he was
unable to function. So he consulted a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist
quickly determined the problem, and told the Yes Man that he just had to
find a release for his negative feelings, and say "No." "But if I said
'no' I'd get fired!" The yes man protested. The psychiatrist said, "Oh, I
don't mean on the job, I mean go out to the Grand Canyon and find a ledge
off the trail, and there you can yell 'NO!' to your heart's content and no
one will be the wiser."

Well, the Yes Man decided to try it. He went to the Grand Canyon and found
a spot off the trail, and stood there and very timidly said, "no." It felt
good, so he tried it a little louder, "No." Even better! soon he was
shouting "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!" at the top of his lungs and feeling
great.

He went back to work a changed man, and said "Yes!" with all the proper
enthusiasm, because on the weekend he could escape to the Grand Canyon and
say "NO!" Other Yes men decided to try this also, and soon every weekend
the Grand Canyon was crammed with Yes Men shouting "NO!"

A new Yes Man came to Hollywood, and he too felt the need of such a
release, but when he tried to find a ledge in the Grand Canyon, all of
them seemed to be taken. He hunted and hunted, but everyplace he found was
already taken by another Yes Man.

Finally he found a small ledge which had been overlooked because of its
size. Thankfully he scurried out on it and stood there and said "No." It
felt great! So he wound up and released an enormous "NO!" and in so doing
lost his balance and fell to his death. Which just goes to prove that a
little No Ledge can be a dangerous thing.

A Nun Play On Words

Outside a small Macedonian village a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch
over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of this site of signifi-
cant historical developments, spanning more than 2,000 years. When Sister
Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of
St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia.

However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys
excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the
grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila
the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love,
occupied the hilltop site.

Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D., and used
it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first
collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the
site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system
and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars
differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he
was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided
evidence of a democratic government that did not square with his own
notion of "rule by an all-powerful tryant".

When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th century and the
convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros
destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is
only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base. When she goes, that
will be it.

Thus, that's how it ends, with No Huns, No Writs, No Eros, and Nun on base.

TOP TEN REASONS COLLEGE IS LIKE PRESCHOOL

10. You cry for your mother.

9. You cross the street without looking for cars.

8. Snack time is a necessity.

7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like
(because everyone else looks as stupid as you do).

6. You stay at home and play games with your friends.

5. You wear your backpack on both shoulders.

4. You wear big mittens.

3. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.

2. You take naps.

1. You look forward to grilled cheese sandwiches

Answering Machine Messages

This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and
a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
- - -------------
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy.
After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return
your call as soon as possible.
- - -------------
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave
a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them
will get back to you.
- - -------------
Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone right
now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, please
your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!
- - -------------
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me
out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
- - -------------
C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a little
beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like this--beeeeep,
just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!
- - -------------
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well,
your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to
Vanna White. Sorry.
- - -------------
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here
right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone,
he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember,
confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid,
graphic detail!

Answering Machine Messages cntd

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler
in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the
future....
- - -------------
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing
up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you
just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how
much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the
Treasury, please ignore this message.
- - -------------
Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and
Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
- - -------------
[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't
do that.
- - -------------
[For Shakespeare lovers only] So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So
leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
- - -------------
[Carefully modulated English accent, like Alex in _A Clockwork Orange_] Oh,
my brothers and only droogs, your poor narrator's not in now--he's out on his
oddy-nocky looking for a bit of pretty polly--some young devotchka with
horrorshow grooties. Leave thy message after the malinky beepie-weep, and
I'll get back to thee later, righty-right.
- - -------------
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so
after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about
your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following
words: orange...mother...unicorn...penis. I'll get back to you with my
diagnosis as soon as possible.
- - -------------
[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave a message...leave a
message....etc.
- - -------------
Thanks for calling the Suicide Hotline. At the tone, your telephone will
explode, sending fragments of metal and plastic deep into your brain....
- - -------------
Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is
the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....
- - -------------
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System.
This is only a test.

Answering Machine Messages cntd

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the
beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
- - -------------
This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To
initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's
password is BABY BOOTIES.
- - -------------
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy
now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to
leave your name, number, and a message.
- - -------------
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You
begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone...the telephone is next to an answe
ring machine...you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering
machine...you hear a beep....
- - -------------
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to
test: 5...4...3...2...1...
- - -------------
[OFFENSIVE TO MORMONS. Funny if you've been accosted by elders on bikes.]
Thanks for calling the Brigham Young School for Semi-Formal Bicycle Racing.
We can't come to the phone now because we're out proselytizing heathens, so
please leave your name and number.
- - -------------
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money.
I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
- - -------------
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name,
phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret
password.
- - -------------
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep!
If you beep, I'll...don't even think about it!....Don't....!
- - -------------
I can't come to the phone now, so...hey--that's a nice phone you have there.
Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines
bothering you all the time...yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call
sometime and we can listen to some old recordings...I might even play my beep
for you...
- - -------------
This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone,
sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile....
- - -------------
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone
now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm
doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess
it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This
is so confusing.
- - -------------
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions
. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!!
- - -------------
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and
number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is
acetylcholinesterase {or clitoris, or scaphoid, or arrhenotky...}
- - -------------
Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's
commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...er...bear a...er...shalt not
witness thy...uh...neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false...er...shalt not commit
a bear...dern...
- - -------------
[Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now
because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and
I'll get back to you.
- - -------------
[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage--my
shoulders really could use it, and, what? You're only supposed to leave a
MESSAGE? Darn....
- - -------------
Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana 'im big fella
mek talkie-talk back real fas'.

RULES OF APPARTMENT LIVING

1. If someone calls while you are on the phone, do NOT answer the call
waiting signals, after all your conversation to your boyfriend's, cousin's,
sister's, ex-best friend's, father-in-law's, stepson is probably too important
to be interrupted.

2. Of course there is no need to record any messages on a piece of paper
a. you would have to actually walk towards the kitchen to get to the
pad of paper which requires that you write down a name and check
off a few boxes

b. but more importantly, all roommates have mental telepathy and are
aware that if you tell the party on the phone that he/she will be
called back at the callee's first free moment, the callee will
telepathically be aware of this

3. Don't buy anything for the apartment, use and abuse other roommates items
until they are destroyed and wait for them to buy a new one (case example:
the spatula).

4. Feel free to leave any and all dirty dishes wherever you please, certainly
one of your roommates has taken classes in house-cleaning 101 and will clean
up after you. Just because you are big enough to make a mess shouldn't
obligate you to be big enough to clean it up.

5. If you wake up at 6:45 am and need to take a shower, be sure to lock the
bathroom door! Your roommates should be able and considerate enough to drive
to the nearest gas station to use the toilet. Also, make sure that you take
a 40 minute shower--it really stinks when a roommate leaves for work early and
you have to take the bus.

6. Leave all electrical appliances, especially the lights on at all times--we
are paying for the apartment, and there is no need to conserve energy--let
other less important people do that.

7. If you need to use the phone late at night and it is in your roommates
room, be sure to wake them up when you go to remove it. It's important that
they know you are going to make a phone call to your dog!

8. Make sure that when you answer the phone you are as rude as possible to
whoever is calling so that they won't call back and bother you again--how
dare they interrupt whatever it is that you are not doing!

9. Never, ever,ever, ever empty the trash--if your roommate won't do it, just
let the apartment stink. You were not born a garbage man, so why lower
yourself to that level especially when you are a princess?

10. If your roommate has a car and drives to work, feel free to ride with
her, but don't bother to offer her any money for gas. This is the 90's and
gas is free for all Summer Interns.

RULES OF APPARTMENT LIVING cntd

11. Make sure that you leave as much hair as possible on the bathroom sinks
and in the shower. Don't clean out your brush over the trash can, of course
your roommates want to look at pieces of your broken hair each and everytime
they go to the bathroom.

12. Don't ever throw out any of your food that may be moldy because it
was buried behind all the STUFF that is piled in the refrigerator. Mold is
a beautiful thing and everyone likes to watch it develop through its stages.

13. Feel free to eat any food that is located in the kitchen. Whether it
be in your cabinet or not, it is free for the taking. Even if its not open,
your roommates shop for the entire apartment, not themselves. Oh, and if
your roommate questions you about missing food, pretend you know nothing
about it--you can always blame it on the cookie monster.

14. If one of your roommates has fish, and she doesn't ask you to feed them
when she leaves town--then DON'T bother wasting your time feeding them.
They're only fish, they probably won't need to eat anyways.

15. If you feel like listening to some music and you don't have a cd player
or stereo, simply remove your roommate's from her room. She won't mind if
you leave it, or any of her cd's, on the floor. After all, if it is not yours,
why should you have to put it away??!!??

16. Make some soup whenever you want, and be sure to leave it in your
roommates pot in the refrigerator for a week or two, if need be. She probably
doesn't want to use HER pot anyway.

17. If your roommate buys a 12 pack of chicken legs and you feel like
cooking for someone else--you should definitely take your roommates chicken
and cook it. Oh, and be sure that you tell the dinner guest that it is
YOUR food.

18. If a neighbor (of course a friendly one) comes over and wants some
spaghetti sauce and you don't have any to give them, feel free to go into a
roommates cabinet and give away theirs. They can always go to the grocery
store and buy some more for themselves. Oh, and don't tell them that you've
given it away either until the ever so friendly neigbor brings back a few
drops of it and thanks YOU for GIVING it to them.

19. If you think that you have an incredibly sexy body--show it off to your
roommates at any opportunity possible--walk around in your bra at all times
some people get really turned on by stuff like that.

20. Sometimes it can get really hot at night, especially when you find it
necessary to leave the airconditioning running at 80 degrees, so try sleeping
without any underwear on--your roommates are certain to find looking at your
bare behind a sight to remember.

21. If your roommate is kind enough to take you to New York with her because
she knows that you have never been there, be sure to do the following:
a. insult your roommate's friend who shows the 2 of you around the city
b. don't say thank you for anything and act as bored as possible
c. be sure to tell everyone you see when you get back what a rotten
time that you had.

Are You a Guy?

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You
decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for
narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,
you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you
should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's
trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run
to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:

(1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause
fractures.

Are You a Guy?cntd

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.


6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a
football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of
the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you,
but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your
relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to
get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future
together. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't
want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly
say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and
you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows,
the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities
that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and
when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars
in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?

Are You a Guy?cntd

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get
your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so
large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your
legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has
to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the
garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but
this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear,
which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more
intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact
that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before
they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally
got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
"c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy
would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus
for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

ARE YOU NORMAL? DID YOU KNOW?

- Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
- 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
- Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their
husbands to do it correctly.
- 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
- 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.
- 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
- The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
- 85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
- 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with
singles leading up to higher denominations.
- 13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.
- 91% of us lie regularly.
- 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
- 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
- 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid
the high prices of snack foods.
- 90% believe in divine retribution.
- 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
- 82% believe in an afterlife.
- 45% believe in ghosts.
- 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
- 29% of us are virgins when we marry.
- 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
- 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
- Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.
- 35% give to charity at least once a month.
- How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their
friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
- 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
- When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
- 85% of us will eat Spam this year.
- 70% of us drink orange juice daily.

ARE YOU NORMAL? DID YOU KNOW? cntd

- Snickers is the most popular candy.
- 22% of us skip lunch daily.
- 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
- 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
- 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
- 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
- Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
- 45% use mouthwash every day.
- 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
- The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
- Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
- 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
- 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
- 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
- 62% of us pop our zits.
- 33% of women lie about their weight.
- 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
- 57% have had deja vu.
- 49% believe in ESP.
- 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
- The average girl starts her period at age 12.
- 44% have broken a bone.
- Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
- 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
- 15% regularly go to a shrink.
- 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
- 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used
the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.
- 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
- 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
- 23.5% admit they don't always flush.
- 45.2% pee in the shower.
- 44.9% pee in the ocean.
- 28.1% pee in the pool.
- 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're sing
the toilet.
- 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been
caught by the host.
- 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
- 29% of us ignore RSVP.
- 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
- 22% are functionally illiterate.
- Less than 10% are trilingual.
- 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
- 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

ARE YOU NORMAL? DID YOU KNOW? cntd

- 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
- 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a
million bucks.
- 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
- 40% of us have had music lessons.
- 44% reuse tinfoil.
- 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
- 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken
credit for doing it from scratch.
- 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
- 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
- 59% of us say we're average-looking.
- Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
- 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
- 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
- 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
- 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
- On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
- 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
- 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
- The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
- Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
- 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
- 6% propose over the phone.
- 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
- 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
- 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
- 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
- 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
- 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
- 25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
- 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
- The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.
- Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4".
- 56% of men have had sex at work.
- 1 in 3 of us have had an extramarital affair.
- 62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs.
- 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.
- The most common fantasy is oral sex.
- Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.
- 8% of us have regular anal sex.
- 58% like dirty talk during sex.
- 22% rent porno flicks at least once.

Jokes for giggles!

Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"
- - -------------
Waiter: "Don't complain about the coffee, sir. You may be old and weak
yourself some day.
- - --------------
Fred: "What a storm! The hail came down a big as golfballs!"
Ted: "The hail you say?"
- - ---------------
The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What
did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back
tomorrow."
- - ---------------
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town
shopping. He decided to go fishing, and he had to take her along. "I'll
never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch
a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish
away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the
bait."
- - ---------
Fred: "You should see my new short wave radio. I turned it on last
night and got Mexico."
Ted: "That's nothing. I opened my window last night and got Chile."
- - ---------
Confucius say: "Life is like taking shower. One wrong turn and you in
hot water."

- - ---------
An irate woman once told Churchill, when he was a young man and
temporarily sporting a small mustache, "Young man, I like neither your
politics nor your mustache."
To which Churchill replied, "Madam, you are not likely to come into
contact with either."

Jokes for giggles! cntd

A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class.
Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write
this poem all by yourself?"
The student said, "Every word of it."
The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Poe. I
thought you were long dead!"
........
Money may not be everything, but it sure keeps the kids writing to you!
One college kid wrote home, "Dear folks, I've been worried sick because I
haven't heard from you. Please send me a check so I'll know you're okay."
........
And...another college student wrote a letter home: "Dear folks, I feel
miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and
unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels.
I beg on bended knee that you forgive me. Your son, Marvin. P.S....I felt so
terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner.
I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it
back. But I was too late."
A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your
prayers were answered. Your letter never came!"
........
And this request was by phone: A college student calls up his parents.
"I need another two hundred dollars."
At the other end, his father says, "I can't hear you."
The boy SHOUTS, "Two hundred. I need two hundred!"
"I can't hear you."
The operator cuts in, "I can hear him."
The father says, "Good. YOU send him the money!"
........
The professor announced: This test will be conducted on the honor
system. Please take seats three apart and in alternate rows.

--------------------

Overheard on the public-address system at a supermarket in Alphareta, Ga.:
"Would the person with a leaky bag of sugar please stop your shopping cart
where you are so that our custodian can catch up to you."

Jokes for giggles! cntd

In a hurry, I dashed through the grocery store, selected my tens items and
looked for an express lane. Rushing to one clerk, I inquired, "Can you check
me out, please?"
He turned and looked me in the eye, then clanced down and back up again. "Not
bad," he said.
------
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy
intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed
to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the
crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in
first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to
administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the
shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm
already here."
........
Dr. Theresa Bowling handed her overweight patient a bottle of pills. "Don't
swallow these pills," Dr. Bowling said. "Instead, spill them on the floor
three times a day and pick them up one by one."
........
The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how
to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary
assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time
to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised
his hand. "Yes," replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Jokes for giggles! cntd

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come
into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked
the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look...I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place
you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds
familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my
employees by their last name only...Smith, Jones, Baker...that's all. I am to
be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is
your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
- - --------------
Did you hear about the snake charmer who married an undertaker? Their
towels say "Hiss" and "Hearse."
- - --------------
"Hello, operator, I'd like to speak to the King of the jungle." "I'm
sorry but the lion is busy."
- - ---------------
My dog eats garlic. His bark is MUCH worse than his bite.
- - --------------
A man is in the hospital, slowly slipping away. His relatives are all
gathered. His son goes and gets an extra chair and sets it beside the
bed. The mother asks, "What's that for?" He replies, "For Rigor Mortis
to set in."
- - --------------
Sign in restaurant window: "EAT NOW - PAY WAITER."
- - ----------------
Teacher: "Billy, spell Tennessee."
Billy: "One-a-see, two-a-see, three-a-see..."

Jokes for giggles! cntd

What did the man say when he dented the fender of his new Mercedes?
"Oh, well, that's the way the Mercedes Benz." (Mercedes bends)
- - --------------
Old postmen never die. They just loose their ZIP
- - --------------
Old lawyers never die. They just loose their appeal.
- - --------------
Old refrigerators never die. They just lose their cool.
- - --------------
Teacher: "Billy, name two pronouns."
Billy: "Who, me?"
Teacher: "Very good."
- - --------
My dog is a terrible bloodhound. I cut my hand once and he fainted.
- - ------------
This isn't quite an oxymoron, but consider the language course:
beginning Finnish.
- - -------------
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup."
"Couldn't be, Sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread."
- - -------------
Patient: "Well, Doc, what does the X-ray of my head show?"
Doctor: "Nothing."
- - ------------
Are you a man or a mouse? Well, squeek up!
---------------
A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the Earth?"
Little Alvin said, "Terrible!"
........
Just before the Thanksgiving holiday, the teacher asked her kindergarten
class, "What do you have to be thankful for?"
One youngster said, "I'm thankful I'm not a turkey!"

For the first time in many years, a friend of ours traveled from our rural
town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket he stopped at the
concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, my
friend couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movie, popcorn
was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied, "you're really going to enjoy yourself.
We have sound now."

Jokes for giggles! cntd

As a frequent flier, I get annoyed when other passengers disregard the
airline attendant's pleas to stay seated when the plane taxies to the gate.
One attendant captured my heart by announcing: "The captain will be parking
the aircraft at Gate 41 in approximately two minutes. I've seen the captain's
car. So if I were you, I'd remain seated."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Following a brief hospital stay, a gentleman received a questionnaire asking
him to grade the facility in several different categories. For the most part,
he gave them high marks. However, at the end of the form, under "Other
Comments," he wrote: "My principle motivation in striving to lead a
law-abiding and upright life is the fear that prison food might be the equal
of that served in your hospital."
-------
The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a hard time. At
her audience in the waiting line increased, she became more abusive. Finally,
the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar. The checker asked the customer
if she was aware that the package had been opened. "Of course," the woman
snapped. "I opened it. You can't expect me to get it home and find out it's
the wrong size." A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good
health."
-------------
It's my wife who makes our budget work - the secret is that we go without a
lot of things I don't need.

Jokes for giggles! cntd

A Catholic priest and a rabbi were seated together by chance on
a small commuter plane. Well, the weather got bad, and the small plane
started to bob up and down like a roller coaster. Seeing the look of fear
on the rabbi's face, the priest saw it as a perfect opportunity to try
to convert him to what he saw as the only true religion--the Catholic one.
The rabbi would have none of it. The storm worsened, and, as the plane
went into a nose-dive, the priest again tried to get the rabbi to convert.
Nothing doing. Well, the plane crashes, and everyone is killed--except for
the rabbi and the Catholic priest. The priest looks over, and, to his
surprise, sees the rabbi making the sign of the cross. Elated, the priest walks
over to him and says,
"You saw the light! You converted!"
The rabbi, again appearing to cross himself, says,
"Conversion, smersion, I was just checking to see if everything was still
there: spectacles, testicles, wallet, cigar."