Australia

Although Australia is the largest island on earth and
contributes a continental land mass in its entity, it
remained undiscovered for a considerable length of time.
This paper deals with those who did not discover Australia,
why, and the implications of their non-discoveries. The
Australian Aborigines were the first people to not discover
Australia. There are a number of theories put forward by a
number of leading experts as to why this is so. It is
generally accepted that the Aborigines failed to discover
Australia because they had:-
-no guns
-no Bibles
-no diseases such as the plague, small pox, etc.
-no flags
-no title deeds
-no monarch
Furthermore, current theory is that they may have
crossed over from Southeast Asia by a number of land bridges
caused by the Ice Age, which would have been cheating, since
all discovery had to be done by boat. In addition, the
Aborigines are not of European descent, and it is
universally accepted that discovery can only be an act of
white races. At any rate, this all took place long before
the Age of Discovery and therefore can and should be
discounted.
The next group of people not to discover Australia were
the Dutch, which is somewhat surprising considering the
number of times they ran into it on their way to subjugating
Java and laying the foundations of apartheid in South Africa.
In hindsight, however, this may be rather fortunate since
otherwise we would all be Reformed and speaking Dutch. This
is why Australia is known as "the Lucky Country".

Australia (part2)

The Third people not to discover Australia were the
Spanish (or Spaniards, as they are sometimes called). The
Spanish (or Spaniards) sailed throughout the Pacific
Ocean, naming almost everywhere they discovered after
their saints and conquering South America and the
Philippines. Incredibly, by the time they discovered Vanu
Atu they had run out of saints. Naming the largest island
Espiritus Santo, they returned home to obtain the latest
list. Again, this proved fortunate since Australia would
have been the next destination, and we might all be Roman
Catholic, had the Inquisition, and speak Spanish (or
Portuguese, as the Brazilians call it.)
The French (ba^tards!) also did not discover Australia.
They sailed around the Atlantic, Pacific and Indian Oceans,
carving up an empire in and enslaving the people of Africa,
the Middle East, India and Indochina into colonies, thus
promoting liberty and equality. This was done to prove
French superiority to the nations of the world, despite the
fact they couldn't even win a war against England. That they
failed to discover Australia meant that we have been
(largely) free of quiche, atom bombs and /Chiraq/.
The English were the last people to not discover
Australia, in spite of the huge number of fleets sent out to
discover it. That so many commissioned explorers somehow
managed to miss a land mass of such magnitude may help
explain England's demise in the arena of international
cricket. England then colonized Australia, sending out
fleets of settlers. Traditionally, it was thought that most
of the early settlers were undesirable elements of English
society, but recent research suggests otherwise.
Finally, Australia was not discovered by Indonesian
fishermen, seafaring Chinese of the Ming Dynasty, or
Japanese tourists. These people are known to history as Et
Cetera.

AN ARGUMENT IN FAVOR OF AUTOMOBILES VS. PEDESTRIANS

We often hear automobiles criticized. Safety experts say they are
dangerous. Ecologists tell us they pollute the air. Economists claim
cars are responsible for U.S. trade deficits and high energy costs.
Social Scientists blame them for the deterioration of our inner cities.
And aesthetes damn them for roadside blight. But even if all these
accusations are true, the automobile is still an improvement on its
principal alternative, the pedestrian.
Pedestrians are easily damaged. Try this test: Hit a pedestrian with
a car. Now have the pedestrian hit the car back. Then roll a pedestrian
and a car through four inches of slush and road salt at sixty miles an
hour. Take a coin-operated gun and hose off their undersides. Which is
in better shape? Also, most automobiles have 5 MPH bumpers. But a
pedestrian cannot be run into a wall at even 3 MPH (approximately
walking speed) without getting a bloody nose. And pedestrians are
notoriously expensive to repair.
Automobiles are cleaner than pedestrians. Even diesel exhaust smells
better than a dirty human. Pedestrians wiggle and squeal when you try
to scrub them, and they are hard to wax. A dented and rusty automobile
is still more attractive than the average pedestrian. Strip a car of
its paint. Strip a person of his clothes. Which looks worse in broad
daylight?
Cars last a hundred thousand miles or so. Just try to take anybody
that far on foot.
Pedestrians are slow, require complex maintenance procedures and
have bewildering fuel requirements.
There are no quality-control or safety standards for pedestrians.
And if the anti-abortion lobby gets its way, we won't even be able to
recall them.
Most of the time you can predict what an automobile will do. And if
you loose control of an automobile you can jump out of it. But
pedestrians are completely unpredictable. And when you're a pedestrian
it's difficult to jump out of yourself.

AN ARGUMENT IN FAVOR OF AUTOMOBILES VS. PEDESTRIANS cntd

Not only are automobiles better than people in most respects but
people behave better when they are in automobiles than they do when
they are on foot. A great big crowd of people in automobiles is a
traffic jam. It's unpleasant, yes--horns honk, tempers flare, etc. But
a great big crowd of people OUT of automobiles is a mob. And that's
worse. No traffic jam ever stormed the Winter Palace, cheered a
lynching or voted Adolf Hitler into power.
Most good things can be experienced in a car--eating, sleeping, sex,
listening to Handel's WATER MUSIC. But the experience of evil is
severely limited. Think how much less evil Central America would have
experienced if, for example, all the Sandinistas had been in cars. They
would have been stuck in the jungle, axle-deep in mud, and would never
have been able to enslave peasants, kill contras or get any Russian
weapons into El Salvador.
It's hard for people to mug you from inside an automobile, and
virtually impossible for them to rob your apartment without getting out
of the car.
People on foot are more likely not only to steal, but to litter. The
normal business suit has no convenient place, such as a backseat floor,
to toss candy wrappers, old newspapers and empty beer cans.
When people are in a car driving down the road it's hard to hear
them lie, complain, argue and spread malicious gossip--especially if
you're in your own car headed the other way.
Consider how much better the United Nations Assembly would be if all
the delegates were speeding around the Assembly floor in old junkers
having a figure-eight race and smashing into each other. It would be
more interesting for everybody, and the intellectual quality of debate
would be greatly improved. The same goes double for Congress.
True, some trouble, such as drive-by shootings and fatal crashes,
can be caused in an automobile. But often it's just a pedestrian who
gets killed. And though drunk drivers are a menace, drunk parents are a
worse one. They do more damage to society stumbling around the house
than anybody ever did in a head-on collision.
All children should be given a car as soon as they are old enough to
wash it and vacuum the seats. Owning and caring for an automobile
builds good citizenship. Children can learn a great deal by watching
their automobile and following its example. Automobiles are democratic.
A Plymouth Velvedere is more than a match for a Lamborghini is a six-
car pile-up. Automobiles are egalitarian, as anybody who's ever drag
raced a Bently in an old Mustang knows.

AN ARGUMENT IN FAVOR OF AUTOMOBILES VS. PEDESTRIANS cntd

Automobiles are strangers to sexism. You can't possible say that a
car's place is in the kitchen. And there's never been any such thing as
distaff automobiles that couldn't vote or Chinese wire-wheel binding.
Automobiles have no unfortunate allegorical connotations. A man on
horseback is a symbol of authoritarianism. But a man on a car roof is
just silly.
There are no religious controversies among automobiles. Automobiles
belong to no race and have no political opinions (though a Trabant, if
it could, would probably wish it had been designed by somebody other
than a drunk communist).
Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas
about where to have dinner. They are literally, selfless. A world
designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets,
larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous
subway stations.
Indeed, we would lead better lives and be a wiser nation if we
placed the automobile, instead of our own ambitions and greed, at the
center of our society. This should be taken into consideration the next
time we amend our Constitution:

ARTICLE I: Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of a
boring old 55 MPH speed limit; or prohibiting the free exercise of
performance cars on empty winding roads; or abridging the freedom to
cruise around aimlessly; or the right of the people to remove those
annoying voice boxes that tell you to buckle your seat belt.

ARTICLE II: Contented Yahoos being necessary for the amusement of a
free state, the right of Texans (and people who act like Texans) to
drive around with guns in the gunracks of their pick-up trucks and
shoot varmits and critters out the window shall not be infringed.

ARTICLE III: No driver's education student or School Safety Patrol
member shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house if he won't
shovel the driveway.

ARTICLE IV: The right of the people to be secure in their cars, trucks,
vans and RVs against unreasonable nosiness shall not be violated, and
no policemen with flashlights or irate parents shall come poking around
country lanes or scenic overlooks while couples are parked and necking.

ARTICLE V: Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines
imposed, nor cruel and unusual wisecracks by local traffic cops made
just because somebody forgot to get their car inspected or was going 38
in a 35 MPH zone.

And so on. It would give us a federal charter that really has
something to do with our day-to-day lives. And it would keep our
legislators and Supreme Court busy with important things instead of
school prayer and covert CIA antics. Plus--and this is very important--
parking would be an unalienable right.

Terrible Jokes!

What do you get when you play a country & western song backwards?
You get your job back, your wife back, etc.....
---------------
A man goes to the doctor because he's not feeling very good. The doc takes
a bunch of tests and sends him home. A couple of days later the guy gets
a call from the doctor who says "I have bad news and worse news"
The guy says " What's the bad news?"
The doc replies "The lab tests came back and said you only have 24 hours to
live"
The guy is stunned! "What could possibly be worse than that!?!"
The doctor replies "Well I forgot to call you yesterday...."
-------------

Things I have seen on men's room walls:

Look up here and pee on your shoes.

What are you looking up here for? The joke is in your hand.

The Barney Logic

Given: Barney is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
Prove: Barney is satanic

The Romans had no letter 'U', and used 'V' instead for
printing, meaning the Roman representation would for
Barney would be: CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

Extracting the Roman numerals, we have:
CV V L DI V

And their decimal equivalents are:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5

Adding those numbers produces: 666.

666 is the number of the Beast.

Proved: BARNEY IS SATAN!

I'm Glad I'm A Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

I'm Glad I'm A Man

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all
I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

Here's how to be a pest-by-modem:

*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like
IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show
that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for
anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to
explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").

*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO
THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO
USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT
BEING HERE!!!!!!!

*When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and
point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of
their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism,"
do it again. Continue until they go away.

*Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it
won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression
program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail
responses like "Thanks."

*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them
names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them.
Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take
bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.

*cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore ([email protected]) so that
he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway
Internet.

*Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an
unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in a
discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation
that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important
role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as
people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to
ignore you.

BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD PICKUP LINES

1. Uh, hey baby.
2. Uh, do you like come here often, huh huh. I said "come."
3. You need a man in your life, baby. And like, I need a woman. Let's
like get into each other's life or whatever.
4. Uh, like let's drop all the uh B.S. and like, you know, do it.
5. Uh, get out of my car and into my dreams, baby.
6. What's your sign? Is it "Yield"? Huh huh huh huh.
7. Would you like carry my books for me?
8. If I said you were sexy, would you hold your body against me?
9. I can make you feel like I've never had sex before.
10. My lips are registered weapons.
11. I'm not trying to pick you up. You're like too heavy. Huh huh huh
huh. Get it?
12. If I was the last man on Earth I bet we could do it in public.
13. If you need a love doctor, I have like a medicated degree.
14. If you ever had sex with a machine, that's what it's like with me.
'Cause I'm like a sex machine.
15. If you're really hot, I bet I can cool you down.
16. Hey, are you one of those chicks who goes out with guys right off
the bat? 'Cause that's what I'm looking for.
17. Should I call you for breakfast or will you like cook it for me?
18. You may not be really hot, but I bet you like to do it.
19. Whoa!...are those real?......if so can I touch 'em...if not, can I
ughhhhhhh still touch 'em?
20. Heh heh heh.....come to Butthead!...huh huh huh...I said come!

Quotes from "Cheers"

"Can I draw you a beer, Norm?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

"How about a beer, Norm?"
"Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life."

"How's a beer sound, Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

"What's up, Norm?"
"Corners of my mouth, Coach."

"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach."

"Beer, Normie?"
"Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still
young."

"Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?"
"With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe."

"What's up, Normie?"
"The temperature under my collar, Coach."

"What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?"
"Going down?"

"What's up, Norm?"
"Everything that's supposed to be."

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. They're demanding
beer."

"What'll it be, Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."

"What would you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Gimme another beer."

"What will you have, Norm?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever
comes out
of that tap."
"Oh, looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"What do you say, Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer."

"What do you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"

"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes."

"What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?"
"Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."

"How's life treating you?"
"It's not, Sammy, but you can!"

"Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, and if she calls, I'm not here."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."

"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its' wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"How's life in the fast lane?"
"Dunno, can't get on the on-ramp."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson."
"Alright, but stop me at one.... make that one-thirty."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear!"

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"How about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson. A beer please, Woody."

"What's up, Normie?"
"My nipples, it's freezing out there."

Drinkers' Fault Finding Guide

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is
wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to
wrong part of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue
with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is
perfect.

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer
unusually pale and clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Room is spinning.
Fault : Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain
to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom : Lap cool and wet.
Fault : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not
complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

Sympton : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.

Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
fluorescent strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking
arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the
bar.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of
teeth and dog-ends.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!

Bernie Shwartz

These old Jewish men would meet every Friday night to play poker.
One night Tony Curtis was being interviewed on TV.
The old men begin to insult him. One of the men, Bernie, says "Wait a minute
guys, You have to give Tony a chance. he's a good kid, I know".
"What? , Are you trying to say that you, you Bernie Shwartz know Tony Curtis ?
"Yeah, I know him, He's my nephew twice removed,".
"We just can't believe that Bernie" .
"O.K." says Bernie "Lets bet 25 dollars on it".
They all bet and Bernie calls a number. "Hello, Tony? It's me Bernie . Could
you tell my friends that your my nephew?". They all talk to Tony Curtis.
They are all impressed by Bernie.

A few weeks pass and their playing poker again and it's Bill Clinton on the TV.
The old men begin to insult him. Bernie says "Wait a minute guys, You have to
give Bill a chance. He's got a lot of problems to deal with, like Hilary for
example, I know him, he's really a great guy".
"What? , are you trying to say that you, you Bernie Shwartz know the president
of the United States? ".
"Yeah, I know him, We play golf together".
"We don't believe you".
"O.K." says Bernie "lets bet 50 dollars on it".
They all bet and Bernie calls a number "Hello Bill, this is Bernie, Could you
tell my friends that you know me ?" They all talk to Bill Clinton. Their again
awed by Bernie.

A month or so later and their playing poker again and it's the Pope on the TV.
The old men begin to insult him. Bernie says "Wait a minute guys, You have to
give the Pope a chance. last time I spoke to him, he said to me "Bernie people
just don't know how hard my job is".
"Wait , are you trying to say that you, you Bernie Shwartz know the Pope ? ".
"Yeah, I know him, I always stop in when I'm in Rome".
"We just can't believe that you Bernie Shwartz know the pope".
" O.K." says Bernie "Lets bet 100 dollars on it".
They all bet. Bernie says " I can't just call the Pope. This summer when we go
to Italy with our wives, I'll introduce you to him."

Summer arrives and their in Italy. Their wives go off for a day of shopping.
Bernie say "Look at twelve o'clock, the Pope will bless the crowd from the
balcony of the Vatican. I have some business to take care of, so I'll meet you
there."
The old men wait for him in the plaza - with thousands of other people waiting
to see the Pope. All off a sudden everyone stands up and looks toward a balcony
with some people on it. One the men says to a priest who's standing by
"Excuse who is that up there on the balcony?"
The priest answers him " Who?, The guy with Bernie Shwartz?".

The Best Man

The Best Man's toast to the bride & groom at my wedding was:

"... and, remembering Socrates, who said: 'By all means, a man
should marry. If it succeeds, he will be happy beyond his dreams.
If it does not, he will become a Philosopher.' Here's hoping we
never have to listen to Richard's philosphy..." (gulp gulp gulp)"

Also, I was told of a wedding in which the ceremony stopped, the
Bride and Groom turned around and the Bride spoke;

"Here's the moment when all former boyfriends of the Bride are
required to return their keys to her apartment..." ; A shower of
keys rains into the aisle and, somewhere in the back a voice is
heard " ... WHEN was it ever locked?"

After the laughter and whispering died down, the Groom then spoke,
saying - " ... and now ladies, you must return the Grooms keys to
him..." but only his Mother stepped forward, she pinned a key to
the Grooms lapel saying " promise you won't lose this again,
Dearie."

bible sales

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of
selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to
sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and
said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your
kit; go sell!" The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for
you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!" The third came in
and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell,
to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for
y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!"

"No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for
me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really,
really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!" As there
were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at
this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"

At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I
sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today. The
third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-,
I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I
want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow
and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"

At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports,
"Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles
today" The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-,
I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."

"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better
than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales
technique is." Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa,
wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to
them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they
w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b
if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to
buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to
***READ*** it to 'em?"

The Top 16 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head,
trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
-- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her.
-- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his
flock.
-- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
-- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and
carry her off to be your wife.
-- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost
you a rib.
-- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage.
Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven
years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's
right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
-- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and
get his daughter for a wife.
-- David (I Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll
definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
-- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
-- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have
seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your
decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
-- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons
though).
-- David (2 Samuel 11)

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good
idea, it's the law).
-- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
-- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

A wife?...NOT!!!
-- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Big Brother is Watching YOU!

TO ALL EMPLOYEES

01/01/1995

TOILET POLICY

In the past employees were permitted to make trips to the toilet under
informal guidelines.

Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide a
more consistent method of accounting for each employee's toilet time,
thereby ensuring equal toilet time for all employees.

Under the policy a "TOILET TRIP BANK" will be established for each employee.
On the first day of each month, employees will be given twenty toilet trip
credits. These credits may be accumulated!

Within two weeks, the entrance doors to all toilets are to be equipped with
personnel Identification Electronic Stations (PIES) and computer linked with
voice print recognition devices.

Before the end of the month each employee must provide two (2) copies of
his/her voice prints, one normal and one under stress, to the personnel
department. The voice print recognition stations will be operational but
not restrictive for the rest of the month. When installed, employees should
acquaint themselves with the stations during this commissioning period.

If and employee's toilet trip bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the
toilet will not unlock for that employee until the first of the next month.

In addition, all toilet bowls are being equipped with timed paper roll
retractors.

If the toilet is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm sounds,
the roll of paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and
the toilet door will open.

If the toilet remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will be posted on the noticeboard. Anyone whose picture appears
any more than three (3) times will have cause for instant dismissal.

If you have any questions regarding this policy, please discuss with your
personnel officer.

MANAGEMENT

Bill Gates..in heaven?

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he
got there, he had to wait in the reception area.

Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally
millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day.
Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while
staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and
drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace.
Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like
Woodstock gone metastatic.

Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers
approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred
with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER
emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.

"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of
any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your
induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel
interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from
Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now
give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case
it's first name first."

"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his
clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on
here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter?
Where are the Pearly Gates?"

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel
looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large
software company. Is that right?"

Bill Gates..in heaven? cntd

"Yes."

"Well then, do the math, chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started,
it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter
could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five
billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he
didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people
die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can
meet them all personally?"

"I guess not."

"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is
the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate
headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual
inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then
continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like
yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."

"Job assignment?"

"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass
and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your
weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the
bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this
down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator.
His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel
interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham."

Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction
center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.

"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure,"
explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper.
It takes us a week just to process new entries."

"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily,
and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to
contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has
you guys backed up."

Bill Gates..in heaven? cntd

Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to
supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest
computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a
multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network
with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully
distributed processing. The works."

Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is
really Heaven!"

"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon.
Would you like to go see the center now?"

"You bet!"

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data
processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than
the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles
of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by
the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a
million ....

.... Macintoshes ....

.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of
Microsoft code!

The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent
his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???"
he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about
Word???"

"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's
heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs
running Windows, then....

.... GO TO HELL!"

The Best of the Bimbo-Brunette Jokes

1. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch ?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

2. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette ?
Brown-bagging it.

3. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure ?
No one else wants it.

4. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners ?
So brunettes can remember them.

5. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes ?
Invisible.

6. What is the difference between a brunette and garbage ?
Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

7. What's a brunette's mating call ?
" Has the blonde left yet ? "

8. What did the brunette say after having sex ?
" Are you guys all on the same team ? "

9. Why don't brunettes make good cattle ranchers ?
Because they can't keep their calves together.

10. What do you do if a brunette throws a hand grenade at you ?
Pull the pin and throw it back at her.

11. What goes screech-vroom, screech-vroom ?
That's a brunette driving through a flashing red light.

12. What's the difference between a brunette and a 747 jet ?
Some men have never been in a 747.

13. How does a brunette turn on the light after sex ?
She opens the car door.

Bizarre little pieces of information:

If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but
more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the
bottom.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.


If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon
will be about three statute miles away.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford
English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural,
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses.

Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the
largest anagrams.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los
Angeles de Porciuncula."

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane
Fonda movie "Barbarella.

Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono.

Ben and Jerry's sends the waste from making ice cream to local pig
farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor:
Mint Oreo.

Bizarre little pieces of information: (part2)

The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican
National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden
voyage of the RMS Titanic.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's
assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression for
ignominy, "His name is Mudd."

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II
killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's
Maiden name was Betty Jean McBricker.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who
fathered over 160 children.

If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to
swallow.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered
blood donors.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the
cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog
throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its
mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's
contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they
rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.

White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the
Monkees)

Bizarre little pieces of information: (part3)

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar
with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous
transatlantic flight.

Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if
he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the
air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once,
on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's
real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in
the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they
could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape..


Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap
formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote
and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever
since.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it
has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls
off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat
to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.


Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks
otherwise it will digest itself.

The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."