Cartoon Laws For the Coyote

"Rules that we obeyed in the Coyote-Road Runner Series:"

1. The Road Runner cannot harm the coyote exept by going "Beep Beep!"

2. No outside force can harm the Coyote-only his own ineptitude or the
failure of the ACME products.

3. The Coyote could stop anytime -- IF he were not a fanatic. "A fanatic
is one who redoubles his effort when he has forgotten his aim" -George
Santayana.

4. No dialogue ever, except "Beep Beep!"

5. The road Runner must stay on the road -- otherwise, logically, he would
not be called Road Runner.

6. All Action must be confined to the natural environment of the two
characters -- the Southwest American desert.

7. All material, tools, weapons, or mechanical conveniences must be
obtained from the ACME Corporation.

8. Whenever possible, make gravity the Coyote's greatest enemy.

9. The Coyote is always more humiliated than harmed by his failures

Cat phrases and meanings

Cat phrase Means
========== =====
miaow ======== Feed me.

meeow ======== Pet me.

mrooww ======== I love you.

Miioo-oo-oo ======== I am in love and must meet my
betrothed outside beneath the hedge.
Don't wait up.

mrow ======== I feel like making noise.

rrrow-mawww ======== Please, the time is come to tidy
the cat box.

rrrow-miawww ======== I have remedied the cat box untidiness
by shoveling the contents as far out
of the box as was practical.

miaowmiaow ======== Play with me.

Miaowmioaw ======== Have you noticed the shortage of
available cat toys in this room?

mioawmioaw ======== Since I can find nothing better to
play with, I shall see what happens
when I sharpen my claws on this
handy piece of furniture.

raowwwww ======== I think I shall now spend time
licking the most private parts
of my anatomy.

mrowwwww ======== I am now recalling, with
sorrow, that some of my private
parts did not return with me
from that visit to the vet.

Roww-maww-roww ======== I am so glad to see that you have
returned home with both arms full
of groceries. I will now rub myself
against your legs and attempt to
trip you as you walk towards the
kitchen.

gakk-ak-ak ======== My digestive passages seem to have
formed a hairball. Wherever could
this have come from? I shall leave
it here upon the carpeting.

mow ======== Snuggling is a good idea.

moww ======== Shedding is pretty good, too.

mowww! ======== I was enjoying snuggling and shedding
in the warm clean laundry until you
removed me so unkindly.

Miaow! Miaow! ======== I have discovered that, although one
may be able to wedge his body through
the gap behind the stove and into that
little drawer filled with pots and pans,
the reverse path is slightly more
difficult to navigate.

Mraakk! ======== Oh, small bird! Please come over here.

ssssRoww! ======== I believe that I have found a
woodchuck or similar animal.

mmmrowmmm ======== It is certain that the best tasting
fish is one you have caught yourself.

mmmmmmm ======== If I sit in the sunshine for another
hour or so, I think I shall be
satisfied.

Mreoaw ======== Please ask room service to send up
another can of tunafish.

Mreeeow ======== Do you serve catnip with that?

mroow ======== I have forced my body into a tiny
space in order to look cute.
How'm I doin?

Miaooww! Mriaow! ======== Since you are using the can opener,
I am certain that you understand the
value of a well-fed and pampered
cat. Please continue.

Watch out for Jesus!

A burgular was wandering round the living room of a house, collecting
swag, as burgulars do...when he heard a voice say "STOP THAT OR JESUS
WILL PUNISH YOU...", he thought nothing of it and carried on
collecting swag, and the the voice spoke up again..."STOP THAT OR
JESUS WILL PUNISH YOU"....The burgular was now worried and looked
wildly around the room spotting a cage with a cover over it. He
preocedded to lift the cover and saw, to his relief, a parrot
inside...

BURGULAR: Whats your name?

PARROT: Cecil

BURGULAR: Thats a funny name for a parrot

PARROT: Yes, and Jesus is a funny name for a Rottweiler too

Foul

A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car, moving at
speeds that bordered on unsafe. When checking his rear-view mirror, he
noticed that a small object, followed by a trail of dust, was closing
fast. His curiousity piqued, he slowed a bit to get a better look. As the
object came into view, it was clearly a chicken. While the man watched in
amazement, the bird whizzed by him. He checked his speed as this happened:
could it really pass him when he was doing 35?

There was no way a chicken was going to make a joke of his $18,000 machine.
He slammed down the gas pedal and went screaming toward the offending fowl.
He grinned with satisfaction as he passed it, but a few seconds later, he
spotted it running even with him, staying in view. He studied the bird and
noticed that it had three legs! This was really strange. Suddenly, the
chicken zipped ahead of his car, took a sharp left turn and disappeared
behind a haystack.

The man had to check this out. He spun his wheel and barely made the turn.
As he came around the other side of the haystack, he had to stand on his
brakes to avoid the farmer, who stood complacently chewing a toothpick
and looking blankly at the car that nearly flattened him. The chicken
stood nearby, not even breathing heavily.

The man got out of his car. "This your chicken?", he asked.
"Yup."
"How is it possible that it has three legs?"
"Me and my wife, we raise 'em that way," the farmer droned.
The man looked puzzled. "Why?"
"Well," came the reply, "you sit down to dinner with your wife and a guest.
You like a drumstick?"
"Sure, but..."
"And your wife, she likes a drumstick?"
"Yeah, so?"
"Your guest might like one too, you reckon?"
Now it was clear. "Oh, I see!" He smiled. He couldn't wait to spring this
on his friends. "What does it taste like?"
"Dunno," said the farmer, "never caught one."

Kids say the darndest things

* Noah's wife was called Joan of Arc
* Henry VIII thought so much of Wolsley that he made him a cardigan
* The fifth commandment is "humour thy father and mother"
* Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night
* Salome was a woman who danced naked in front of Harrods
* Holy acrimony is another name for matrimony
* The pope lives in a vacuum
* The patron saint of travellers is St Francis of the sea sick
* Iran is the Bible of the Moslems
* A Republican is a sinner mentioned in the Bible
* Abraham begat Isaac and Isaac begat Jacob and Jacob begat twelve partridges
* The native of Macedonia did not believe, so Paul got stoned
* The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple
* It is sometimes difficult to hear what is being said in church because
the agnostics are so terrible

Erotic Asia Food

PEE YU PLATTER
Clothes Pins Extra

HOO FLUNG POO
Napkins & Raincoats Provided

SUC SUM TIT
Children's Special

YUNG POON TANG
No Take Out Orders Accepted

LUNCHEON SPECIALS

SUM YUNG CHICK..........$6.99
Different and Delicious

WON HUNG LO..............$6.99
Chinese Meatballs

SUM DUM FUC..............$9.69
Same - #1 But With Extra Sauce

CHU SUM TWAT............$16.99
Dinner - Parties Of 3 Or More

SUC MI PORK..............$9.69
Chef's Special

FUC YU MAN...............$6.69
Specialty Of The House

DINNER COMBINATIONS
Includes Smeg Roll & Fortune
Nookie

1. GOO IN HAND...........$9.69
For Those Dining Alone

2. GOO WEE CHICK.........$6.99
Sloppy Seconds - No Charge

3. CUM TU SOON...........$6.99
Order Early - These Go Fast

4. SUC MI WANG...........$6.99
Traditional Chinese Meatloaf

5. SUM DUM CHICK.........$4.99
You Get What You Pay For

6. FUC MEI SLO...........$6.69
Not Available After 10PM

7. LIK MI CLIT...........$6.99
A Delicious Lick Smacking
Oriental Delicacy

8. CHO KON IT............$9.99
Not For The Light Throated

9. FUC SUM NOW...........$6.99
For Those In A Hurry

10. WAI TU YUNG..........$4.99
Not Available On School
Nights

11. TUNG SUM CHICK.......$8.99
A Taste Bud Tingler

12. SUM GULP CUM.........$9.69
Low-Cal Diet Special

THE SEXIST PIGS' GUIDE TO CHIVALRY IN THE '90S

1. RISING TO THE OCCASION

Moral Dilemma: You're rushing through a department store and get to the
escalator at the same time as an attractive young woman. Should you stop
and let her get in front of you?

Sexist Solution: Ask yourself, "Do I want this person's butt at face-level
for the next 45 seconds?" Act accordingly.


2. CHIVALRY IN THE SUBWAYS

Moral Dilemma: You're sitting on the subway reading your newspaper. You
look up and see a good-but-tired-looking chick standing over you. Should
you offer her your seat?

Sexist Solution: Do so instantly if she is either pregnant or wearing a
low-cut blouse that will allow you to see down to her navel when you're
standing over her drooling.


3. SHARING THE LOAD

Moral Dilemma: A female friend is overladen with packages. Should you be
so presumptuous as to offer to ease her burden?

Sexist Solution: If she is carrying the bags upon her chest, relieve her
at once as this provides an excellent opportunity to cop a feel.


4. SEXUAL PURSE-SUIT

Moral Dilemma: A hot babe you'd like to meet drops her purse and spills it
contents in front of you. Should you help reclaim the displaced articles
or should you casually stand behind her and gawk at her butt?

Sexist Solution: Immediately bend down and assist. Not only will this
provide the perfect opportunity to introduce yourself, but you'll get a
great view of cleavage *AND* you'll know what kind of protection she
carries in her purse (e.g., pills, condoms, Mace).


5. SPLITTING THE BILL

Moral Dilemma: You're out to dinner with a sex goddess. When the check
comes, she insists on paying half. If you know already that sex is a
certainty, should you give her back her money?

Sexist Solution: No. To refuse her now could upset her, meaning that
later she might refuse you of something. Instead, use the money you save
to buy her a gift. For example, take her to dinner again next week -- that
way you get to nail her *TWICE* for the same money!

Christianity Joke

Moses and Jesus are floating on the sea in a small boat. They talk for a while about the good ol' days. Jesus thinks for a second and says to Moses, "Do you
think you still have the touch?"
Moses looks at him and shrugs, "Dunno. Let me try."
So Moses stands up in the boat, and with a grand gesture parts the sea. The
boat settles on the bottom of the sea and Jesus says, "Good!"
Moses brings his hands back together and the sea comes back together ant the
boat is floating once more on the waves.
Moses looks to Jesus and says, "Now you try, okay?"
"Okay," Jesus says, then lightly steps out onto the surface of the water - then sinks like a rock.
Moses, acting quickly, pulls the floundering Jesus back into the boat and asks,
"What went wrong?"
Jesus sputters, spits some water, and says, "Well, the last time I tried this,
I didn't have holes in my feet!"

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING: A SURVIVOR'S GUIDE

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and
went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing
each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or
(to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"

These days, people say "Season's Greetings," which, when you think about
it, means nothing. It's like walking up to somebody and saying "Appropriate
Remark" in a loud, cheerful voice. But "Season's Greetings" is safer,
because it does not refer to any actual religion. Some day, I imagine, even
"Season's Greetings" will be considered too religious, and we'll celebrate
the Holiday Season by saying "Have a nice day."

Some of you may be unhappy with this dereligionizing of the Holiday
Season, and you may have decided that, this year, you're going to celebrate
it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around stringing
cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on "The Waltons".
Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind of subversive stunt,
the economy would collapse overnight. The government would have to
intervene: It would form a cabinet-level Department of Holiday Gift-Giving,
which would spend billions and billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls
and electronic games, which it would drop on the populace from Air Force
jets, killing and maiming thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you
should go along with the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large
sum of money and go to a mall.

Unless you live in Indonesia, there should be several malls within five
miles of your home. It makes no difference whatsoever which one you go to:
Under federal law, all malls in the United States must have the same 42
chain stores. You have your chain bookstores, your chain clothing stores,
your chain shoe stores, your chain restrooms, your chain electronic-game
arcades.

The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are
also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but - here is the big
difference - in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to do
anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. I was
once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck
being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on
his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the
accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular,
whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall
parking lots.

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING: A SURVIVOR'S GUIDE cntd

So when you get to the mall for your holiday shopping, the first thing
to remember is that you should not park in the parking lot and walk to the
mall buildings, because you will probably get killed. Instead, drive your
car right up to and, if possible, right into, the mall building. This is
perfectly legal; people do it all the time. In almost every mall I've ever
been to, the corridors were littered with cars, recreational vehicles,
snowmobiles and motorboats left by smart parkers.

Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with
ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers have
been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and they
will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your
children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus;
that ought to shut them up.

Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it
over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall,
the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall
public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children
emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who
befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then
melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who,
because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other
reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity?
Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive
reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if
Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a tail.
So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you
should shop quickly.

Here is a very efficient shopping method: Divide the amount of money you
have by the number of people on your gift list to get an average dollar
amount per person. So if you have $160, and you want to buy gifts for 10
people, your average is $16 per person. Now find something that costs $16,
and buy 10 of whatever it is. You'll find many useful gifts in this price
range; for example, you could get 10 family-sized bottles of vitamin B.
Everyone, young and old alike, can use vitamin B, and your children are sure
to shriek with delight when they find it under the tree.

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING: A SURVIVOR'S GUIDE cntd

If you want to buy gifts that are a little more personal, you should
follow these guidelines:

Gifts for Men

Men are amused by almost any idiot thing - that is why
professional ice hockey is so popular - so buying gifts for them
is easy. But you should never buy them clothes. Men believe
they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new
ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84
ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned,
through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the
other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not
going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has
narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years
without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.

If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than
once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.

Gifts for Women

Again, you should avoid buying clothes, but not because women don't like
clothes. The problem is sizes. First of all, women's clothing sizes don't
mean anything. Suppose you're looking at a dress, and the tag says it's a
size 14. You could measure that dress with every known measuring instrument,
checking for every known unit of measurement, and you would never find any
dimension that was 14 anythings long. Not only that, but you would never
find any dimension that corresponded to the same dimension on any other
size-14 dress. Not only that, but chances are you would never find any woman
in the entire world who would admit to being a size 14.

Another problem is color. Women do not see color the way men do. Suppose
several women are in a paint store, looking at a sample of orange paint. The
paint-can label may say "orange," and the paint may appear obviously orange
to a male, but the women will never use the word "orange" to describe it.
They will say things like: "It has a lot of blue" or "It's much too gray."
Don't ask me to explain it. All I know is, if a woman tells a man she'd like
a green scarf for Christmas, he'll go out and buy a scarf that he believes
to be green, based on his concept of "green," which he got from crayons in
the second grade. She will look at the scarf as if it were covered with
maggots, then show it to her friends and say: "I asked Harold for a green
scarf, and just look at what he got me." They'll all have a good laugh, and
she'll return it.

So the safest gifts for women are expensive little bottles of colorless
liquids, which are sold at cosmetic counters under names such as "Eau de
Water" and "Endless Night of Heavy Petting."

Gifts for Children

This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and
months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-morning
cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what
they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks
he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd
better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your
child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial
tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not
get the right gift.

church bulletins

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends
of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put
me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the
Pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward
and lay an egg on the alter.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the
ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will
join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost
of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new
carpet will come foreward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Church humor

A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon.

The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin
along to poke him with every time he would doze off.

As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and
whocreated all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her
husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty".The
minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. and later began to doze off
again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save
us from our sins..." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted
"Jesus Christ". The Minister said "that's right, That's Right" and went on
with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife carefully and when the
minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their
second child" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said
"If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".

Clues for Individuals

1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid
by FedEx.

2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this
problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK"
button.

3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you
need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good
ice unless it is mixed with water.

4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will
not get heavier.

5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is
on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large
magnet.

6. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.

7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it
immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you
can make them both fit in there.

8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the
company mail room and look for a package.

9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't
translate English language web pages into French.

10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st,
and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for
new orders, don't.

11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you
don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a
Macintosh.

Collection of 'one-liner' signature files found on the Internet

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER

Did anyone see my lost carrier?

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

I won't rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.

Double your drive space - delete Windows!

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

Assassins do it from behind.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

COLOR IS THE KEY TO YOUR SEXUAL LIFE

Before you read this, decide what your favorite color is. No looking ahead or changing your mind, either.

The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all
give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you
select for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite
color. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in
your clothing and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one
that appears most frequently -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual
you. A panel of psychologists, speaking at the 1975 Home Interior
Design Forum, explained the association between color and sexual
patterns.

RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are
easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual
spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get
together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers
of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.

YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex
and turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is
yellow. But don't panic -- not everyone who wears yellow is queer. In
most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires
in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you
will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.

PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual
matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to
deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because
they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire
wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts.
They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and
not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women
whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.

PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too
sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type
who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach
to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with
their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.

BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily
meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world
and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex
and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody
people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during
unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer
the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of mosters
and teenage gangs is black attire.

GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach
to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all
their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in
a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not
passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about
infidelity.

ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The
sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the
star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet
nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange
people often do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good
act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts
on the sex partner's back.

BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate.
Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and
desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you
can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in
the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a
lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But
their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.

GREY: The color grey a preferred by people who are indecisive. They
can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose
a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer grey look at sex as a way of
relieving tension -- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam,
thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for
one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become
pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex
act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the
grey spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a grey
marries another grey, the marriage is made in heaven.

BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners,
affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider
love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love
blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like
they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to
the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be
compared to a tidal wave rather than firery aggression. Both women and
men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex
act itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate -- never
seeking outside interests.

WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy.
These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and
to make love in the daylight in unheard of. Women who love white will
undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex
act. These people still use pet names for their genitals.

Why the Ethernet Is Like a Penis

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard
to get any real work done.

* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still
think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today
use it for fun most of the time.

* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will
just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's
hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too
late.

* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.

* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too
much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.

* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
and influence warrant.

* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
trouble.

* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it
will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did
I do that?"

* Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They
think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it
gives them power. They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's
not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many
of those who don't have it would like to try it.

* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people
would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

Another dear dad

Dear Dad,
Thanks for the money to begin the second semester with. The
only trouble is, I graduated yesterday. I know it's sort of a surprise,
with me being an entering freshman only several months ago. It was sort
of a surprise to me too.
I went to register yesterday and when they gave me my IBM cards
they said I had enough credit hours to graduate and sent me to the Dean
to get my diploma. The only thing I can think of is that when I
stepped on my cards with my golf shoes las fall they got messed up.
Anyway, I was given a 8-553-22 today. A diploma. I went to see the Dean
and he said not to tell him his machines were wrong, with 56,000
students in them.
Anyway, I got a B. A. in philosophy. I don't know if I should
stay in chemistry now or not. What do you think? I know you were quite
interested in me working in the drug store, but I don't know what to do.
I tried to re-enter as a second quarter freshman but they said they
wouldn't take graduates. I tried to get into graduate school, but they
needed references from five undergraduate teachers and I only had
three.
Last night I started to call, but I didn't want to worry you
about it, since I'm a graduate now and should be able to take care of
myself. So today I went down to the Army place. They're looking for
college graduates to be officers. I did OK on the tests, so I guess
I'll go in there for a while. I seem to fit in pretty well. They
said they'd teach me some philosophy. I brought a book with me.
I hope everything's fine at the drug store.

Sincerely,
Johnny
p.s. Tell mom not to send those cookies. Tell her that her child is
"watching over the country."

Beware of the latest viruses...

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You E-mail L.A., but your attachment winds up in
Dallas.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and
sends you a bill for $4,500.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It
warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by
C: .

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: There is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe
can't figyour outt watt!

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a
year later, in another directory.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but
you just can't prove it.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS: Suddenly appears from nowhere, promises to upgrade
all your applications, gains control of your computer, then totally
corrupts your entire system for four years.

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly
about foreign software.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before
the whole thing quits.

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything.
Secretly, you wish it would.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little
units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to
be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of
their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in
half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The
message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self
destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power
supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone
before.

Ok now onto some serious stuff:

I love Harry Potter and you should too! I have done a lot of Harry Potter Fan Fics, so stay tuned for a few of my own Hogwarts adventures!

Falling

Harry and Ron were walking to the quidditch pitch to practise. They walked up to the quidditch gates, and they heard a voice it sounded very familiar but it was soft.
"Help me, no, get off me Ma-" The girl stopped screaming. Harry and Ron ran to where the girl screamed. First he could see, a boy and girl kissing on a broom, they started to fly. They looked oddly familiar. Harry and Ron hopped on their brooms and went to talk to them, to see if they heard any screaming. Harry kicked off from the ground and so did Ron, Harry didn't go too fast to keep up with Ron. They flew up to them but they kept flying away.

Harry decided to go and tell them to stop. He flew up really fast, and when he saw who were on that broom kissing, he thought he fell into a freezing, icy pool. He was shaking; he didn't know what to do. He just punched Malfoy in the face, he accidentally hit Hermione slightly, and Malfoy let go of Hermione. She looked thunderstruck. She screamed and leant over to Harry to hold on but she missed, and Malfoy caught her and kissed her again. “GET OFF ME YOU" Hermione swore. She went to jump on Harry and missed, she fell. He felt like he just fell into the icy pool again, his insides were frozen. Harry was so scared that he might never see her again; he loved her as sister. He thought everything went into slow-motion.

He could hear her screaming, and her hand in the air trying to reach up for him. He wanted to help but he couldn't Malfoy punched him in the face. He looked at Hermione, she wasn't there. No, he thought, she can’t be gone, no! He punched Malfoy in the face he pushed Malfoys broom towards the ground; he wanted to punch the life out of Malfoy. He didn’t care how much trouble he got in, as long as he, Malfoy died. He was so angry he wanted to punch the ground and try to get his anger out, he was sad he never felt so lost, apart when he lost Sirius.

He zoomed down and started to punch Malfoy the moment he touched the ground. "HARRY WAIT, I'M FINE, LET ME!" He zoomed around; Hermione was running to him and hugged him. She ran to Malfoy and kicked him in the guts, then in his stomach, and then on his chest. “YOU UNGRATEFUL, WART, YOU, YOU, BASATARD, THERE ISN’T A WORD TO DESCRIBE YOU ENOUGH!” Ron ran up and held her back but Harry had to help, she was a great fighter when she wanted to. Malfoy looked at them with a cut lip, he was holding his stomach. Malfoy would get a lot of bruises for sure. “YOU, YOU, SLIMEY SICK PIGGY THING!” she was yelling with all her might. Malfoy started running and shouted, “IF YOU TELL ANYONE, I WILL MAKE YOU PAY, IT WILL BE MUCH WORSE THEN TODAY!”

Hermione went to Ron’s shoulder and started to cry silently. “Hermione, what did he do to you, why were you two …… kissing?” He said holding her in his arms; Harry came over and went for a small hug. “What did he do to you?” Harry said, he let go of her. “Wel-l, he-e put this potion in, my drink-k. So I-I would do what he say-s-s.” she said then turned to Ron’s shoulder again. “So-o he told me to scream-m, so you-u would follow me-e, he told me to get on the broom-m and ……… k-kis-s him-m. Oh!” she went to Ron’s shoulder and cried louder. “Oh help, me Harry, Ron, please, he’s freaking me out. Really.” She cried again, Ron looked disgusted, and was going to walk over to Malfoy and kick the life out of him as well.

“Don’t, you hear what he said; you don’t want him doing worse to Hermione.” Harry said looking at Ron. Hermione shivered when Harry said worse. “But why did he do that?” Ron said. “So he could-d make you angry-y, or annoyed, or-r, I don’t know, all-l I know-w is that he’s a slimy, ungrateful git.” “Even worse then me” Ron said. Hermione gave a watery smile. “Let’s go.” Harry said. They walked down to the Gryffindor common room. Harry was going to his room when Hermione said, “Can you stay, for a night with me here in the common room, like, I just don’t feel secure, that’s all, we could pretend to be doing homework then we fell asleep.” She said looking at them hoping for answer. “I’m fine,” said Ron, “Oh ok, I’m fine with it too.”

They fell asleep on the chairs, Harry woke up in the middle of the night, he couldn’t see well but there were two figures in front of him, there was a figure next to him as well. He couldn’t see right, but one of the figures came up to him and hit him in the head, everything came clear for a second, he saw, Malfoy taking Hermione, and Ron injured in the head as well, just like him, he screamed, “HERMIONE!” but then he blacked out.

-leaves you hanging on the edge-

Moving on

Three sullen teenagers walked towards the lantern-lit corner of Magnolia Crescent and Privet Drive. It was like they had appeared out of nowhere, which had happened much too often on that private street in Surrey.

There were two boys and one girl, who was farthest to the right, clutching the hand of a tall, freckle-faced, red-haired boy who was clearly the oldest.
“Chill out, Hermione”, said the dark haired boy, farthest to the left, “this is just an empty, muggle street.”
“Yes”, retorted the girl, whose brown eyes were bulging wide with fright. “The same street where Umbridge and those dementors nearly got you expelled in fifth year! I know”, she said quietly, as though they were suddenly being overheard, “I know it’s just your aunt and uncle, but-”
“And whale of a cousin”, the middle boy said with a snort.
“Ron!” said Hermione reprovingly, with a meaningful nod towards the messy-haired, green-eyed teenager. This boy suddenly had a face as if thinking about something and wanted to be left alone.

“’Mione, they’re muggles”, the tall boy said confidently. “And besides that- they’re terrified of Harry”, he said with a smirk.
“I know, Ron,” said Hermione, “But all the things Harry’s told us about them. And,” she continued hastily, “and we’ve already met them once- well, you twice actually-, and they didn’t look so happy to-” she stopped. The boy, Harry, had started to walk down the drive, as if in a trance.
This, Harry thought, this would be the last time he would ever have to walk down this street, the last time he would ever have to see his Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia- it was an indescribable feeling, knowing this was his last visit to this horrid place. He felt extremely happy and relieved, and yet, (this surprised him), he also felt a little bit homesick. Now, this made no sense, considering that he had been calling Hogwarts his home for almost seven years now. But, when he thought about it, he didn’t feel as surprised; he had been brought up here, and no matter how much he tried to fight the feeling, he knew that his life at Privet Drive was over, and he was moving on.

Ron and Hermione had stopped arguing, and Harry looked up to see what was causing there sudden silence. He quickly followed their gaze. His friends’ eyes were both fixed on a strict-looking tabby cat, which had unusual marking on its face. Harry was truly astonished- he knew who this was, but why was she here? He blinked, and he was now looking at a stern looking woman whose eyes were looking directly at him through her spectacles in such a serious manner, that it was only because he was used to this unwelcoming manner that he managed to stifle a gasp. She was holding something that Harry recognized only too well. Ron obviously didn’t recognize it, since he had never actually seen it before, but apparently Hermione, who knew an answer to every question a teacher, could think up, had managed to guess what it was she was holding as well, because she did not bother to quiet her gasp.
“Oh!” she said with a look of astonishment on her face, as the aged women began to stride toward them, almost tripping over her cloak in her haste.
“Ahh, yes, Ms. Granger, Mr. Weasley, of course you’d be with him too, yes…”
Minerva McGonagall looked them both over quickly over her spectacles, letting her voice trail off as she did so. She turned, and gazed at Harry with a sad, reflective look on her face.

“Potter,” she said quietly, “Potter, I have quite a few things to touch up on and very little time, so please listen with as little interruptions as possible.” It seemed like McGonagall had still not forgotten the six full years the three of them, Harry and Ron in particular, had spent talking and scheming in her Transfiguration classes.
“Professor Dumbledore left me a note explaining where he went that night at the end of term.” Harry heard Hermione gasp again as Professor McGonagall went on.