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eris_apprentice
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#1
Old 10-06-2007, 09:55 AM

HI! I;m going to post some of my poetry here and I need you all to read them and rate them, like from 1-10 with one as the lowest and ten as the highest. i'd also appreciate it if you guys critic. and sometimes my poems have no titles, so i need help... :)
thanks! :D

eris_apprentice
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#2
Old 10-06-2007, 10:23 AM

You keep saying that you love me
yet you kiss every girl you see.


You say that i'm so pretty,
but when my back is turned, you diss me.

why did i let myself be fooled?
why did i let myself be ruled?
why did that big mistake.
why didn't i see that you where fake

i know it's short but i haven't really worked on it yet.

sychobunny
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#3
Old 10-07-2007, 05:27 PM

5/10
Why:
With poetry, presentation is important. If you don't have a reason that there's a second break between the first and second stanza, and one break between the second and third, take out one of the ones between the first and second stanza.
Capitalize the first letter of each line. Capitalize the word I.
Last line of the second stanza is 8 syllables, the other endings are 9, make it dismiss instead of diss. It will help with the accidental flow. If you want a proper flow, then work on the syllables, and emphases in each line.
You get your dislike across, though so you kept with your theme.

 


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