Thread Tools

Crappy Lia
Dead Account Holder
15938.57
Send a message via MSN to Crappy Lia Send a message via Yahoo to Crappy Lia
Crappy Lia is offline
 
#1
Old 10-13-2007, 06:43 AM

I made a rythmed story. im not yet done with it. But yeah, I made it and actually im proud of it.
Please tell me what you think of it :]

And as she walks the path
in the midst of darkness
She sees all
All and nothing

The old black trees
Make her path difficult
and reminds her
Of her happy childhood

She sees a light in the distance
She runs towards it
I see her trip over a video tape
and her staring at the t.v. screen

There are black white dots on the t.v.
She plays the tape
and expects the least
The screen changes and figures appear.

She sees a girl
a girl who loves to smile
She closes her eyes
and remembers how happy she was
... back then

Silver diamonds roll over her face
She shivers and stares to the atmosphere
In the midst of darkness
she knows she wont get out of here

Cletus
Dead Account Holder
130.33
Cletus is offline
 
#2
Old 10-13-2007, 06:48 AM

That's actually pretty good. Nice and long! >w< I enjoyed reading it. It's a bit confusing in some parts, but it's still really neat.

Crappy Lia
Dead Account Holder
15938.57
Send a message via MSN to Crappy Lia Send a message via Yahoo to Crappy Lia
Crappy Lia is offline
 
#3
Old 10-13-2007, 06:50 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cletus
That's actually pretty good. Nice and long! >w< I enjoyed reading it. It's a bit confusing in some parts, but it's still really neat.
thank you :] im trying to make it longer. should i write a expenation thing? O.o

Cletus
Dead Account Holder
130.33
Cletus is offline
 
#4
Old 10-13-2007, 06:53 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by EnmaMisery
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cletus
That's actually pretty good. Nice and long! >w< I enjoyed reading it. It's a bit confusing in some parts, but it's still really neat.
thank you :] im trying to make it longer. should i write a expenation thing? O.o
You are welcome. :] xDD An explanation thing? Yeah. Possibly. It would be nice to understand what's up with the girl. :]]]

Crappy Lia
Dead Account Holder
15938.57
Send a message via MSN to Crappy Lia Send a message via Yahoo to Crappy Lia
Crappy Lia is offline
 
#5
Old 10-13-2007, 07:18 AM

wel its not yet done so yeah, its gonna be hard to understand, haha.
Wel,, that girl is in "dead world". and slowly bringing all her memories back. I made it a month ago and promised that i would finish it ~_~ havent worked on it. haha. wel, Ill try once more to finish it :]

Cletus
Dead Account Holder
130.33
Cletus is offline
 
#6
Old 10-15-2007, 11:04 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by EnmaMisery
wel its not yet done so yeah, its gonna be hard to understand, haha.
Wel,, that girl is in "dead world". and slowly bringing all her memories back. I made it a month ago and promised that i would finish it ~_~ havent worked on it. haha. wel, Ill try once more to finish it :]
A dead world, huh?
That makes a bit more sense. -goes back to reunderstand it-
xD Haha, well, if you get any farther post it and I'll look at it.

Sir.Spoon
(^._.^)ノ
543.24
Sir.Spoon is offline
 
#7
Old 10-16-2007, 01:05 AM

It's not awful, and I enjoyed your use of imagery. But I noticed you use a lot of enjambment, that's cool, but watch your punctuation.

Crappy Lia
Dead Account Holder
15938.57
Send a message via MSN to Crappy Lia Send a message via Yahoo to Crappy Lia
Crappy Lia is offline
 
#8
Old 10-17-2007, 11:24 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir.Spoon
It's not awful, and I enjoyed your use of imagery. But I noticed you use a lot of enjambment, that's cool, but watch your punctuation.
kay kay :] Ill try to fix it.

@cletus- ill pm you if i ever finish it .__. school is givin' so many projects now - -;

Sapphire May
Dead Account Holder
202.73
Sapphire May is offline
 
#9
Old 10-21-2007, 03:56 PM

That was so cute and inspiring! >w<

Nihairo
Dead Account Holder
0.00
Send a message via AIM to Nihairo Send a message via MSN to Nihairo Send a message via Yahoo to Nihairo
Nihairo is offline
 
#10
Old 10-22-2007, 09:38 PM

Quote:
She sees a light in the distance
She runs towards it
I see her trip over a video tape
and her staring at the t.v. screen
I noticed that in a couple of places, the same word was used more than once and it sounds a little repetitive. I don't mean this as a negative comment, just a suggestion to make it flow better. The story is told in an understandable way, though some parts seem to contradict themselves, for example:

Quote:
The old black trees
Make her path difficult
and reminds her
Of her happy childhood
The old black trees making her path difficult remind her of her happy childhood? She enjoyed having things difficult? It seems a little odd for a child. I think you meant more the trees reminding her of her childhood, rather than the difficulty they bring on, but it still seems that way.

I like your writing and I think you can turn this into a pretty good piece of writing. Take your time, and work on it. Remember, there's no need to rush. Take the lines and run them through your head, say them out loud and see how well they flow. Keep up the writing! I'll check back to see how it comes along!

 


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 

 
Forum Jump

no new posts