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Nissa
\ (•◡•) /
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10-13-2007, 01:31 PM
I wrote this for my children while I was pregnant with my first. It's titled 'Little Ones'
The little one's the sleep as the world rages on,
Their sweet dreams they keep; from evening till dawn,
They know nothing of this world,
This place they love so much,
Just mommies gentile hands,
Daddies caring touch.
The little one's they dream as the world passes by,
angels fill their dreams and sing them lullabies.
As the angels take your hand, and hear your gurgling laugh,
They foresee all the joy you will bring in your life's path.
It's not the best in my collection according to others, but it's most definitely my favorite.
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tanhuitian
⊙ω⊙
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10-13-2007, 01:42 PM
How sweet. : D
There are some grammatical and spelling errors though. The change in the P.O.V is a little confusing, but otherwise it's a rather good poem. I love the second line in particular - babies really do sleep a lot.
I hope you don't mind an edit.
The little ones, they sleep as the world rages on.
Their sweet dreams they keep; from evening till dawn,
They know nothing of this world,
This place they love so much,
Just mommies' gentle hands,
Daddies' caring touch.
The little ones, they dream as the world passes by.
Angels fill their dreams and sing them lullabies.
As the angels take their hands, and hear their gurgling laugh,
They foresee all the joy they will bring in their lives' path.
The last line is ambiguous because of the change though... >__<
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Nissa
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10-13-2007, 03:35 PM
No, I don't mind the tweaking of it at all. I was pregnant when I wrote it so I was all kinds of hormonal and it shows in what I wrote unfortunately. But once it was complete I couldn't change it, my mind wouldn't let me. Thanks for taking the time to tweak it, it really does sound much better.
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hockeygrl05
⊙ω⊙
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10-13-2007, 04:39 PM
that is really cute.. and like tanhuitan said, a few errors, but none the less a very well written poem... =]
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tanhuitian
⊙ω⊙
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10-13-2007, 06:10 PM
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Nissa
No, I don't mind the tweaking of it at all. I was pregnant when I wrote it so I was all kinds of hormonal and it shows in what I wrote unfortunately. But once it was complete I couldn't change it, my mind wouldn't let me. Thanks for taking the time to tweak it, it really does sound much better.
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You're welcome. :D
I'm reluctant to edit my works sometimes too, because I'm too emotionally attached to them. >__<
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