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NiceOnRice
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#1
Old 10-14-2007, 03:40 AM

I resently found some poems I wrote awhile ago, one is only a year old, the other ( the first one I will be posting) is from sixth grade ( almost 4 years ago *gasp*)
I like them both very much, But as I am the one who wrote them, and they are so old, I cannot see most of their faults, and they need alot of improvement.

keep in mind im amature. VERY amature.
please help with feed back!

NiceOnRice
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#2
Old 10-14-2007, 03:43 AM

This one is about a few of my friends starting to do drugs... I wrote it about four years ago ( note how it says "twelve years old" :wink:
... and I really do like it. It currently does not have a title, so I'll just call it "drugs" for this, because thats what its about XD


Drugs
It's snowing outside and I'm trying to find a place to hide,
'Cause I don't want to feel the cold...
Pretending to be in love is getting so old.
You're only twelve!
But,
What the hell.
You're older than before.
CLOSE THE DOOR!
I'd rather freeze than fight this fire.
You say that you've grown up...
But you've only gotten higher.
No one cares about anything but their next hit,
Their next score.
You say you have nothing to loose...
You cirtainly lost yourself even more.



(note; for furture referance, I use those last two lines ( or lines fairly simmilar) offten in my poetly/ lyrics)

Moofin
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#3
Old 10-14-2007, 03:45 AM

Sounds pretty decent so far :00
Er..I`m not sure if those spelling mistakes were by accident or not.
o3o

(Last few lines in case you were wondering)
Other then that pretty good ^^

NiceOnRice
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#4
Old 10-14-2007, 03:46 AM

This next one is abit random, I know... but it really says what I wanted to be saying... if you have trouble with the imagry, just ask, cause It plays out like a movie in my mind... and I can explain "scenes" that don't make much sence to you.
... If that makes any sence.



Before the Storm
Come stand under my umbrella,
'Cause it seems you only smile when it rains.
AndI can tell It's gunna come down,
It's going to rain untill we drown...
Look how gray our world's become...
Like the sky's about to die.
Think about how strange this shared quiet really is
... Like painting a red room white.
And as the air arounds us slows,
And becomes cold,
Like a black and white movie,
We won't say A word.
I'll watch you smiling...
As the rain distroys the world.



NOTE; this poem is HEAVY with metaphor. one SMALL example ( caue the whole poem is pretty much one big metaphor) would be "'Cause it seems you only smile when it rains." when I say that... I really mean "you only seem content when things are going wrong"
and pretty much everyline has an alterier meaning like that.
so, try to keep up
XD jkjk.

NiceOnRice
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#5
Old 10-14-2007, 03:50 AM

I know certaily is spelt incorrectly ( I have never been very good at spelling)
ButI can't see any other mistakes... would you be kind enough to point them out to me so I can fix them?

( I probolly couldn't see them even if I tryed, seeing as I couldn't spell my name if it wasn't writen on all my pencils XD)

NiceOnRice
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#6
Old 10-22-2007, 02:04 AM

This one is more lyrics, It was inspired by a song my friend was writing, but never finished. To be noe exact, I pretty much stole the lines
"There are things that live inside me
That I just can not face
So I try to make them Fade away"

But don't worry, thats not exactly what she wrote, And she told me it was okay to just them... I like this song alot, but Its still really rough, and I need some help ^-^


They wait for me
It looks so fluid
So easy what I do
But when I'm Writing
I’m facing my fears for you
I’m reaching down I’m leaning in
I’m pushing out what lies within
With every sentence I omit
Reliving all my strain…
a little bit
I hope you understand this

There are things that live inside me
That I just can not face
So I try to make them Fade away
But They stay right where I left them
They stay in my hidden place
Waiting for me…

I can see you’re puzzled
You are so confused
When I try to explain
Why I act the way I do
It goes against your human nature
And what your all about
But you’ve heard my cries of pain
And you say you’re here to help

There are things that live inside me
That I just can not face
So I try to make them Fade away
But They stay right where I left them
They stay in my hidden place
Waiting for me…

You know I hate to take you to
That dark and scary place
That box I keep the things inside
The ones that I don’t face
Sometimes I peak at them
But I never let them out
I’ll show you what’s inside
If you promise not to shout

There are things that live inside me
That I just can not face
So I try to make them Fade away
But They stay right where I left them
They stay in my hidden place
Waiting for me…

NiceOnRice
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#7
Old 10-22-2007, 02:14 AM

This one is kinnda sad, But I was having a bad day, Anf feeling sorrta used.
It really is a very selfish poem. Eventhough it turned out nicely.

Help me

My poems
My songs
My stories
My fears
My hopes
My thoughts
My voice
My eyes
My tears
My cries
My actions
My EVERYTHING!!

IT ALL SCREAMS FOR HELP
BUT THEY IGNORE IT
THEY SHUT THEIR EYES,
AND BLOCK THEIR EARS,
AND TURN AWAY.
WHY WON’T THEY HELP ME?
WHY WON’T THEY SEE?
WHY WON’T THEY LISTEN?
IM BREAKING DOWN RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM AND THEY DONT SEE
WHY?
Why won’t they respond to my cries for aid?

Or is it that they CAN’T see, CAN’T hear?
Is the mask I wore for so long still there,
even though I don’t see it?
Even though I tried to take it off?
Has it become a part of me?
Or do they think I am just fine but simply needing attention?
They are wrong....
I
need
help.
Maybe I should just stop
and fade
away
slowly
lonely
and quietly
so that they remain
undisturbed
untouched
and unaware
I think
that would be

best.

NiceOnRice
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#8
Old 10-22-2007, 02:17 AM

Thats really all I need help with for now, please, critisism is very much appriciated ^-^

 


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