I'm so saddened, I'm crying. I'm so saddened, I feel betrayed. I'm so saddened, I'm feeling like dying.

Even though I swore to myself to become mentally stronger; I've failed at that too. I've failed at love, I've failed myself, I've failed the world. When it comes to her; she is my world.

The only person I've trusted with my life; the only person who has been able to help me more than my psychiatrist and my therapist and parents, has broken my heart yet again. It may be jealousy but, she's the only person I've loved so much. She even said many times that she loves me just as much as him. But I'm having second beliefs of that.

I've dated her once, and failed. Lasted just a few days; I wasn't passionate enough. But I guess it was too soon. Like what a mutual friend said, I "couldn't even love her right".

And so I'm suicidal again. And it hurts me even more everytime I admit this and notice it.

It is good that you are noticing it. I think that you have already gotten help. You should try to get hobbies that you can enjoy. It is not life that is depressing, it how you interpret it. (Did I spell that right?) I am sorry that I can not help, but I am certain that people will miss you if you go. My advice is to cry it out if you feel like you need to.

Originally Posted by â—• w â—•

It is good that you are noticing it. I think that you have already gotten help. You should try to get hobbies that you can enjoy. It is not life that is depressing, it how you interpret it. (Did I spell that right?) I am sorry that I can not help, but I am certain that people will miss you if you go. My advice is to cry it out if you feel like you need to.

I have gotten seldom to no help about it today.
And that's what has always stopped me from actually doing it all the way. I always thought of the people that cared for me.
But she was the only person who truly cared for me.

Originally Posted by Aiparon

I have gotten seldom to no help about it today.
And that's what has always stopped me from actually doing it all the way. I always thought of the people that cared for me.
But she was the only person who truly cared for me.

You still have your family? People say that blood is thicker than water. (I think that is right.) I know that it is very disheartening when someone you like does not return your feelings.

... But why do you think that she cared for you? What makes her care different from your mother or father? >>;

Originally Posted by â—• w â—•

You still have your family? People say that blood is thicker than water. (I think that is right.) I know that it is very disheartening when someone you like does not return your feelings.

... But why do you think that she cared for you? What makes her care different from your mother or father? >>;

I have my family, but I don't trust them with my feelings.
and I dont know what that 'blood is thicker than water' thing even except the density of it.

As fer her; she's always been there for me ever since i first got out of the hospital from my first publicly known attempted suicide. I've always asked her for help first. She loved me, and I loved her with all of my heart. She told me more than once in the past 2 weeks that she loves me, even though she's with another guy.

Aiparon - if you wish to speak with me personally, I will gladly give you my MSN address, or we can keep this over PMs.

I would like to express my concern here to you...

You seem very much attached to this...girl, and it seems things have not worked out.

Please, do not feel you've failed your world, even if she is your world.

This life of ours is deep, vast, and all but unexplainable.

With one great failure comes a great lesson, if we choose to accept it. This is just another one of those.

You cannot endanger yourself if things do not work out with someone. Love is important yes, but your own sanctity is much more important.

If fate would have you and this girl together, then fate will bring you together. Otherwise, you must plot your own course, and not allow your life to be dominated by something that is bringing you such sorrow.

I understand that my words can seem empty, but I assure you I have experience with this sort of thing.

Understand that you are not weak because of this. You are strong enough mentally that you can realize you are feeling suicidal. Though dangerous, that realization is power in its own. You have realized that you are at a stage where you are at a loss for your own life. If you have the mentality to address it, you have the mentality to defeat it.

I know I can simply tell you to get over this girl...but that's not going to help now is it?

What you need for now is peace. Listen to music, play a game, draw, write.

Whatever can get your mind clear of this girl.

Trust yourself with your life as I have done for myself.

Do not strive to find nothing but happiness, as constant happiness is a lie.

Strive to find a place where you are content with your life. Once you are content, then you can deal with sorrow and happiness as it comes.

For now, tonight, focus on yourself.

If you are truely at risk, get help. You can find a suicide hotline and they can provide better information.

If you need to speak with me, PM me. We'll discuss from there.

Do not give your life up, don't let death win so easily.

You know.
Killing yourself over a person doesn't solve anything.
The reason behind life is to learn.
To become better, to become closer in being 'perfect'.

You must learn from emotions.
Even the worst ones.

I've been there before.
Knocking on the same door.
I have scars from my past.
Which now I regret.
But you know what?
My life is 10x better then before, because I lived through it.

I almost killed myself over a guy who broke my heart. I would cry on my bed waiting for him to return for months, I cut my wrist to show him how much he meant to me.
But you know, wounds will heal, your heart will be stitched back together.

There would be no point in killing yourself in this life when you will come back and to deal with the EXACT SAME PAIN AGAIN.
Don't you think it's the smarter choice for yourself to keep on moving on, learning from this experience, to become better, then starting all over again?

Originally Posted by Gabriel

[b][size=9]Aiparon - if you wish to speak with me personally, I will gladly give you my MSN address, or we can keep this over PMs.

I would like to express my concern here to you...

I don't know what to do anymore

You seem very much attached to this...girl, and it seems things have not worked out.

She was my very best friend.

You cannot endanger yourself if things do not work out with someone. Love is important yes, but your own sanctity is much more important.

You may not understand the mind of a suicidal sensitive teen then.

If fate would have you and this girl together, then fate will bring you together. Otherwise, you must plot your own course, and not allow your life to be dominated by something that is bringing you such sorrow.

It did once, and we both seemed to be happy.

I understand that my words can seem empty, but I assure you I have experience with this sort of thing.

Your words just bring more realisation into my eyes.

Understand that you are not weak because of this. You are strong enough mentally that you can realize you are feeling suicidal.

I'm weak enough to be suicidal again.

Though dangerous, that realization is power in its own. You have realized that you are at a stage where you are at a loss for your own life. If you have the mentality to address it, you have the mentality to defeat it.

I dont know how to defeat it anymore

If you are truely at risk, get help. You can find a suicide hotline and they can provide better information.

I don't want my parents to know.. I don't want to go back to that wretched hospital..


@Nea Nea; If you've been there, then you would understand.

Originally Posted by Aiparon

I have my family, but I don't trust them with my feelings.
and I dont know what that 'blood is thicker than water' thing even except the density of it.

As fer her; she's always been there for me ever since i first got out of the hospital from my first publicly known attempted suicide. I've always asked her for help first. She loved me, and I loved her with all of my heart. She told me more than once in the past 2 weeks that she loves me, even though she's with another guy.

If she is hurting you, then that must mean that she has moved on. And if she has moved on then... you know what I mean.

Gabriel is right. Do not let death win so easily!

Originally Posted by â—• w â—•

If she is hurting you, then that must mean that she has moved on. And if she has moved on then... you know what I mean.

Gabriel is right. Do not let death win so easily!

I'm losing the best friend I ever had then..

Sorry for the double post but it's an important update.
Now I found out that the last person who gave me great advice died 2 nights ago in a car crash. Now I really, really want to die.
He was a great man; a reverend in fact. And was a saint in his own way. He liked me, and i had high respect for him, and then he dies on me through a car accident.

The god that has never been there for me is once again torturing me; more than once now this year with the majour suicidal thoughts.

I do understand.
And the feeling your going through is by far one of the worst feelings you can ever feel.

I think right now, you are suppose to learn pain and suffering.
Pain from losing someone close to you, having a death, having to deal with so much grief and suffering.

Everyone has to go through what your going through eventually.
It will come and go but right now, it takes forever to have it end.

I was lucky enough to find my soul mate and he saved me from my demise before things went out of control.

Originally Posted by Nea Nea

I do understand.
And the feeling your going through is by far one of the worst feelings you can ever feel.

I think right now, you are suppose to learn pain and suffering.
Pain from losing someone close to you, having a death, having to deal with so much grief and suffering.

Everyone has to go through what your going through eventually.
It will come and go but right now, it takes forever to have it end.

I was lucky enough to find my soul mate and he saved me from my demise before things went out of control.

Now with all of that, I am frightened. I think god is out to get me. This year I've gone through so much pain. This year has been hell. I've been betrayed by a friend that helped me, was sexually harrassed by a guy, lost my grandmother, had my heart broken many times, going through losing a best friend, and lost the best advice giver I ever had; all of that in order.

Originally Posted by Aiparon

Sorry for the double post but it's an important update.
Now I found out that the last person who gave me great advice died 2 nights ago in a car crash. Now I really, really want to die.
He was a great man; a reverend in fact. And was a saint in his own way. He liked me, and i had high respect for him, and then he dies on me through a car accident.

The god that has never been there for me is once again torturing me; more than once now this year with the majour suicidal thoughts.

Oh no... that is horrible... look, life is very tough, but it is things like these that teach us to be stronger. Depression is just... I do not have words to explain it, but it is what it is. I do not believe God exists, but if you can find solace in religion, then please. Do not let death take you down as easily as it has with so many before you.

Originally Posted by â—• w â—•

Oh no... that is horrible... look, life is very tough, but it is things like these that teach us to be stronger. Depression is just... I do not have words to explain it, but it is what it is. I do not believe God exists, but if you can find solace in religion, then please. Do not let death take you down as easily as it has with so many before you.

With my experienced this year, it's done enough to have made me a LaVeyan Satanist; a philosophy that DOES NOT WORSHIP SATAN, but uses him as an icon and gives advice and rules to live by. And that's how I met Reverend Sinn. He was the other best thing that ever happened to me.

How can you know what happy is without feeling sad.
How can you know what bliss is without experiencing hell.
How can you know what passion is without feeling heartache.

Everything is done for a purpose.
Whether good or bad.

It's Yin and Yang.

You must first experience one thing to know the other.

You must know and feel pain until you know and feel love/acceptance/happiness/bliss.

Originally Posted by Nea Nea

How can you know what happy is without feeling sad.
How can you know what bliss is without experiencing hell.
How can you know what passion is without feeling heartache.

Everything is done for a purpose.
Whether good or bad.

It's Yin and Yang.

You must first experience one thing to know the other.

You must know and feel pain until you know and feel love/acceptance/happiness/bliss.

I've gone through more pain that I have happiness. Almost no happiness this year. Just loneliness, lust, and deppression all..day...long, for the whole year. Sure, there may have been random spots of temporary happiness, but that's only temporary and lasts just a few hours. What I'm feeling now I go through day after day. Not even my therapist is able to help me

(I switched to my main account.)

Exactly.
You said your suffering.
Never really knowing what happiness is, basically.
That's exactly my point.
You must know one side of the coin to know the other.
You can't give value to something you don't know.

You can't value how much your happy because you've never really experienced it!

The thing you should do is find something to hold on to.
Whether it's some crazy dream; do tell if you do have one (I bet mine is crazier. ;D)
It's to be with someone.
Or it could be as simple as to stay around for your favorite band to release a new album.

You have to work your way back up.
Starting with baby-steps.

Originally Posted by ` Nitemare

(I switched to my main account.)

Exactly.
You said your suffering.
Never really knowing what happiness is, basically.
That's exactly my point.
You must know one side of the coin to know the other.
You can't give value to something you don't know.

You can't value how much your happy because you've never really experienced it!

The thing you should do is find something to hold on to.
Whether it's some crazy dream; do tell if you do have one (I bet mine is crazier. ;D)
It's to be with someone.
Or it could be as simple as to stay around for your favorite band to release a new album.

You have to work your way back up.
Starting with baby-steps.

The only dream I've held onto was to be her friend to the end. But now it's fading from all that I've been told today.

How so?
:o

From what you said, it didn't seem she just bluntly said "I don't want to be your friend anymore!"
So what is the fuss?

Originally Posted by ` Nitemare

How so?
:o

From what you said, it didn't seem she just bluntly said "I don't want to be your friend anymore!"
So what is the fuss?

How so? What do you mean by that?

She's stopped talking to me, she's accusing things at me and not reasoning with me to understand, and i can't tell you the other thing

How is it fading?

Well why did she stop?
Maybe I should read the front page again. >.O
You can tell me anything, I'm trying to save your life here. <.>

people are telling me to let her go.

...
She's an online friend, and the best friend i've ever had in my life.
I've loved her ever since she helped me with my depression on Gaia. But now, she's getting married on Gaia with another guy, even after she has told me that she loves me.
It may sound goofy, but this is my true love for her. Even though I hope she's happy with whatever choice she makes, it still kills me and makes me see no point in living if she's that committed to him. And if she's that commited, it makes me feel like every word of love she said to me was a lie.

But you shouldn't.
She is the only thing keeping you from killing yourself.
Just hold on to that dream as tight as you can and never let anyone change your mind about it.
If so, just tell them to fuck off. ;D

No offense but...What?
Listen to yourself.
She's getting married...to an online..site.
It's not real.
Serious.
If you look at it, it's completely fake.
She is not getting married seriously.
Online marriages are just...stupid.
The chances are is that she is lusting over some guy who is most likely an online friend (correct me if I'm wrong).
But this isn't even a remotely a good reason to kill yourself over.

If you need her, tell her that.
But don't go "I'll die without you" because 90% of the time whoever says that, doesn't mean it.
And that is the dead truth.
Now I'm not saying your lying or doesn't mean it, I believe you, it's just a bit ridiculous.


Jeeze, I went overboard. ><
I'm really sorry but try to see how over the top that is.

that's why i didn't want to tell you. I knew you'd be like that.
But that just shows how much I love her. And Im sorry for you if you cannot see that.