I'm jealous. :s I want this to be my Friday too.

Meh I'll trade you. I'll get to do something worthwhile with my life career-wise, and I'll have your traditional Sat/Sun. :P

I don't want to trade anything else though...well maybe my phobia of driving.

I do wonder if your driving fear will become better if you force yourself to do it. It helped me during my case management job... the "being forced" part. I still can't drive in cities without anxiety, but I plan to work on that. I want to get over it. It's isolating and for me, I'm embarrassed I "can't" do it. Mind over matter. I need to force myself to do it.

I'm tired tonight, and my tummy is being stupid. >(

I can force myself to do it, yes...I did it before. It's just...difficult for me to want to face it as I don't enjoy it and don't really need to be able to. Aaron picks up what we need from the house and it's probably a godsend I can't drive or I would probably spend more money.

Like right now I'm hungry but nothing in the house sounds good, and if I had a license I would go get a mcdouble...If I were to cook here I would have to do dishes, and then I would have to cook...but even then nothing I can cook sounds good so I'm just kind of sitting here thinking meh I'm not hungry enough. Aaron isn't cooking any dinner tonight either. He starts his nightshift tonight. :/

Wish I could flashfoward my life 3 weeks. I want this part over with pronto.

This may sound bizarre, but the reason I want to get over the city fear is because I do worry what happens if Cole dies. There are many things in cities that children would love to learn about, and I'd hate for her not to experience it based on my issues. That, and I'd like to not be so dependent in that manner. x_x

I gotta get the baby to bed. I hope to be back!

OK good luck. I know how well little kids like to cooperate.

Meh. Aaron is in a right mood this evening. I'm kinda glad he's off to work here in like 45mins. I find he has to start 10pms now, so it means that for the next 3 weeks on weekdays I will get just 2 hours a day in which I can see him. It's going to make it rough as I'm use to spending most of the evening with him...so it is definitely weird.

Did things get any better with his mood?

Yeah he is finding that it isn't a difficult job in the least, and I think he's finally accepted this is just something to get us by.

Right now tonight because of drinking more soda (Mountain Dew specifically) and increased smoking he's having heart problems. I want him to cut down his smoking, but even me trying to ration out the cigarettes is going to help. He's just going to have to out and out quit on his own accord...but he's not going to until his job situation gets better. Not entirely enthusiastic about this whole situation but it is what it is.

Right now I'm trying to bust ass to clean the house, knowing full well they will either not care or not live up to their standards. It needs doing anyways whether my mom or mother in law care or not.

Sounds like it's pretty hectic over there..

I'm beyond glad it's the weekend, and beyond grateful that I can sleep in tomorrow morning. It's been a bad week. Trying to be positive that it will get better. Dad's in the hospital (unexpected), and Cole's aunt died this morning (expected). That kind of week. :s

Ewww. I'm so sorry hun, and my thoughts go out to you and your families. :( Death and illness are tough to deal with and I'm too well aware of it. Sadly, I think Aaron's mom is on borrowed time as well. She has gotten her doctor to write her down on short term disability and has been progressively getting worse with her neuropathy. (sp?) You'd think this would be a good thing but the doctor has said she can only legally be on her feet for 5 minutes, and now is pretty much house bound. She has admittedly started to drink and smoke even more because she's bored and 'has nothing better to do' with her time. It's a sad situation, but at the same time we tried to offer what help we could to her and she always was stubborn and turned it down.

I have faith that you are just having a down week and that once you have some time to recoup it will get better. I know I'm in the same boat...needing some time for some of the rough patches to clear up. Perhaps something wonderful will come out of a tragedy. I hate to look at it this way, but if his mom passes away I'm sure it won't be long before her husband and then suddenly we have free land to move ourselves out on. We haven't the money, but I'm sure that we would figure stuff out....I'm hoping not though...but I'm also thinking that she's not going to get any better.

It'd hard to say with neuropathy. Does she have diabetes or something which has caused it? If so, untreated?

No diabetes. She's been tested for it numerous times. She is an alcoholic, though, and smokes. She's has neuropathy for years and it has been becoming progressively worse. She is overweight and doesn't get much exercise...even less now.

Which would make it worse. That's too bad... :(

Yeah it is what it is. I think one of the most difficult things in life is watching love ones deteriorate...especially when it's something that is within their control. I'm sure she could be in much better shape if she had been determined to sober up and get active. She may not completely get rid of it, but it would be much more liveable for her then now.

We're trying to stress this life lesson to Pam. She's so wanting to stay with her mother for fear of never seeing her brother and worrying about her mom. At the same time she's going through so emotional BS with her mother's boyfriend. He's been laid off and just laying around the house and giving the kids grief. Apparently he also goes through all of Pam's stuff, including her makeup, and is very much a control freak. I can understand it to a certain degree, but with her mother actually talking about getting her a makeup case with a lock on it JUST to keep him out...really? Her grades are suffering along with it, and when we picked her up I could tell from the other car window she was very upset. She gets in the car and the first thing just breaks in tears. We coaxed it out of her and some of it is a bit of teenage angst going on there, but with her mom's boyfriend being unbearable and the mass rains flooding the river next to her (she had to wade in water up to her knees to get to the car there...) I can imagine that being enough. Then add the extra teenage drama on top. She was telling me about a 4th grader who came up to her to talk about suicide, and asking how to approach it. She gave the girl a shoulder to cry on and just said it was tough and she tried her hardest to let the girl know how it hurts everyone around her. She said after the girl was talking she seemed better. I told her next time they talk maybe try to talk to her about seeing some counseling. I said in an ideal world you would go tell a teacher or counselor and things would get better, but she's already done that with another friend who was cutting who then told her off and how much she hated her for saying anything. Yeah. That and well when my own brother opened up as a teenager I told my dad (thinking that was the right thing to do), and while he tried to 'fix' it the best he knew how, I often wonder if I had taken a different approach if the bond between my brother and I wouldn't have been stronger and if he would still be here right now. A lot of what ifs, I know.

Sorry I'm once again hogging the floor. I know you'll listen, though. I've been trying to purge some of my other emotional baggage on the life issues forum about depression and quitting meds...didn't get much in the way of responses. I didn't want to real offload on you at the time as I knew you were in the midst of moving and had your own challenges. I thought that was also why you stopped posting here.

Speaking of which I think this Makes it week 4. I think after the first 2 weeks I stopped counting as I'm over the worst. I'm taking my vitamins daily (although I skipped today's) and I'm over the physical side effects. I'm finding I can feel emotions much more strongly now, though, and that can be a double edged sword.

I've just had a general "blagh" week, which is why I don't have the usual emphatic responses. I'm not sure I can adequately describe my exhaustion and general irritation and junk going on. It'll get better though, and it's not life or death.

That's fine, and I understand. Half of the therapy is just getting it out, and knowing you're listening. Sometimes that's really all I need.

Feel free to let it flow here too and I will listen. I may not have the answers, or maybe lacking empathy due to what's going on in my life, but I'll listen.

I'm focusing on the positive, as that's half the battle of anything. For instance, I made a sofrito with bear tonight, with creamy polenta and salad. I'm going to make a "magic cake" tonight, as I've seen the recipes for a long time and just haven't done it.

Oh my word...That sounds delicious!!! So when am I coming over for dinner?

I'm doing up a pot of chilli, and I'm getting kind of creative with it. No recipes...just throwing in what sounds good. It smells great. Hope it tastes great too. I feel kinda iffy as I started using an old box of beef stock and realized there was a newer one that was opened. I only splashed a little in, but still something didn't seem right about it. Aaron says to just make sure to let it cook good and long and any bacteria should be killed.

I know it's really better to try to stick to a positive monologue. At the same time, it feels like that's what everyone around me is wanting me to do, and at no time do I get to air my dirty laundry...and it just piles up. Sometimes it feels really good to let it rip. Actually, it always feels good.

The dinner turned out yummy. The cake is still baking. I'm not sure what I think about it though... very thin batter, but they said to expect it. We'll see! As it cooks it separates into three layers.

The beef stock should be fine. You only used a little, and you're cooking the crap out of it, so to speak. Chili sounds lovely... hrm. I think I have everything on hand to make one, too. Do you put beans in yours? I usually do, but right now one without beans sounds better somehow.

I want coffee, but I've had tons today. Still, that's all I want. >_>

Yep. I put at least Kidney Beans in it, but sometimes black beans and Cannelis. Today I just had black and kidney, but I added corn, red pepper, salsa (it just sounded good), a pinch of oregano and a pinch of cilantro. It had a very unique, yet spicy tang to it and my husband was like it is really different than my chilli but still really good.

I have been having 'fun' throwing things together and experimenting. It's easier sometimes to do that then to sit and have to take exact measurements of stuff.

---------- Post added 04-20-2013 at 08:07 PM ----------

I got to help Pam with her math homework. She's doing factoring and needing some assistance. I still have more cleaning to do. The sad thing is it isn't really clean, but it looks a hell of a lot better than it did a couple of days ago. The kids mucked their bedroom and it looks so much more liveable in there.

There's a few places, like underneath the bathroom sink, that are dying for some attention. I'm going to do those on like day projects though and get it organized. I may look online to get some ideas on how to better maximize space underneath there. Perhaps invest in some shelfing would be awesome.

It just seems in winter I get pretty unmotivated and depressed and really let the house slide. :/

I try to keep up on the cleaning, but I hear you on the winter thing. Dishes tend to pile up. Right now the apartment is looking good. The dishes have been kept up with. I'm hoping for Cole and me to put the bedroom together tonight, as he assembled the dresser. He and Terra are out on a drive right now.

That sounds nice to have the house to yourself. I sometimes wonder how moms who have kids 24/7 cope. I mean I love the kids, don't get me wrong but sometimes I just need my peace and quiet. Tristan right now is nattering on to me about something Skyrim related and I'm like yup uh huh, great kiddo. I thought that Aaron and his mom were against him playing mature games, and I told him if I find out otherwise he's in trouble. I'm done trying to play the bad guy on that whole thing. (Honestly if I was the mother it would be absolutely not as the game is too violent for me to play...but being the step-parent my thoughts don't typically hold much weight. I've had to learn to pick my fights...)

I helped Pam with her homework. It was one problem....factoring. You know the old FOIL thing? Well I think she had been trying too hard to find factors for -65 when there is literally only the one we could come up with. I tried to explain to her how I got the answer, but it's difficult with complex math. My friend in college would sit next to me and watch me work things out, look over my work. It helped her try to do it on her own and then get credit on her homework. I really struggled on certain parts to try and tutor her as it's difficult to try and explain something complex on that level. It just is....

It boggles my mind. I could ace college algebra again, no doubt in my mind, but just picking up the book and doing random problems it's kind of making me feel a bit simple. Durrr...

It is difficult. I don't often get the 10 minute breaks, and honestly I cleaned after they left. It's not relaxing. T___T

With algebra, I had won second place in a state-wide math competition, and to be honest? Wouldn't have a freaking clue about it now!

I was able to pick up the book and do it, but it wasn't fun...and I felt kind of stupid. I think sitting in the class watching them solve sample problems on the board helped jolt my brain. In middle school and highschool the irony was I really struggled. When taking pre-algebra the lightbulb never went off. Then sometime in college or maybe right before then it was like oooohhh and it all made sense.

It was a similar feeling when I figured out how to basically change up my game at work to get better customer scores back. I'm still doing the same work I did before hand, but I've learned certain words and things you say that you pepper in the conversation to make it sound like you're doing more than you really are. Then it was like I can apply this to everyday life, just in a different context. Ohhhhhhh.

Chaching.

Language is a brilliant thing. xD It's not what we say, but rather the presentation we provide. Always.

Man, my back is killing me this morning. Time to get some coffee and re-energize myself. I'm thinking eggs and greens for breakfast!