My health seems to be annoying at the moment. I'm waiting for a doctor appointment, as I'm tired of the constant migraines. I've been working full time hours at the family business while waiting on pins and needles regarding graduation. I've done all my requirements but the paperwork takes a while. In short, I can't apply for licensing until I am officially graduated, and there's a possibility I won't be able to become licensed until next April. It's out of my control regardless, so why worry?

Been doing "life" stuff. We have a new used car that's in better shape than what used to be our "good" car. The whole process with that was horrifically embarrassing. xD I did all the leg work, and after speaking to several people about their cars, asking all the questions... I forgot to ask the most important question to the former owner of the car we have now.

When I met with him, I realized I knew him. He used to be a professor at my university. Of course I trusted his words regarding the car's condition. I only sat in it long enough to look at the odometer and to make sure there was enough room in it.

After haggling, bank loan preparations, figuring out the required paperwork, we finalized the sale. I sat in it... and then I realized it's a manual transmission. Guess what? I don't have the first clue on how to drive it. ;)

So looks like Cole has an awesome car to drive now. All that matters is that we have something safer and reliable. But still, I was so horrified to have made such a stupid error. I think the guy thought I was going to bail on the transaction or something, but why when Cole knows how to drive it?

Today we got the old used car sold, so we should be able to get our credit card taken care of by Christmas. Nothing has really been going on. We've been laying out financial plans and what we'd like to do in the long term. We can't control the student loan debt at this point, so again, why stress. We've looked at what payment options are out there, and this Fall we'll apply to some and see what happens. I'm going to take next year as a self care year. I really need to shed some weight. I have the energy of a snail bathed in molasses. Stress management and healthier living are my goals for next year. Once I sort out the licensing mess I'll start focusing a little more on me.

How is stuff going there?

Hey sounds like you're trying to weather out the storm like we're doing here. We're just shuffling normal bills, trying to make sure they are kept up on and paid before they disconnect service. It's been like that for weeks now, while we wait out Aaron getting hired in officially and now with Pam living with us (and still paying child support for two children...) once we get all that paperwork sorted we should be in really good shape.

In the meantime I've been given a performance improvement plan, and told that if I don't get one of my stats up (basically the customer's willingness to recommend the company to other people) that I face possibility of termination. It's a scary thing as we're dealing with customer's preconceived notions of said company before they even talk to me. Some of them have admittedly said that they've had numerous ongoing issues and are very frustrated...I feel like I have lost the battle before it's begun. Then to take in consideration how they come up with the percentage is pretty screwed up. Basically they figure the average out of how many surveys in total, which they divide from the amount of positive surveys minus any negative. What happens is the neutral surveys end up hurting me as they don't actually detract, but they do make that negative survey weigh even more. Lets just say out of 15 people who moved forward from my old department, only 5 remain. Two were recently promoted, and the other 8 all left. They just let through another batch of 150 agents go free on the phones, and they're ramping up even more. It's a really fast paced kind of place to work.

My attitude is fuck it, lets roll up the sleeves and what happens, happens. If they do fire me -- I have given it my all to make it work, and I will fight for unemployment while I find plan B.

Other than that I get the whole health and wellness thing being a bit garbage. I'm not feeling the greatest either with energy and just feeling strung out and tired most nights after work. We're kind of on a tight budget for everything, including food, which I think will greatly improve my stamina and energy to the point I'll want to go for walks before or after work and then with that I'll be more balanced. The other thing though is winter is around the corner, and soon I will struggle to convince myself to walk because it'll be too damn cold. I'm hoping eventually once money isn't so tight maybe I could enroll in a gym...I really want to lose weight but I'm stuck at the 250 threshold and just can't seem to shake it with my current lifestyle. I've maintained it pretty well, because I think at my heaviest I was 280...but still I'm suppose to be about 150-160. -_-;;;

That's all you can do. Do your best, and if it's "not enough", they don't deserve you.

Oh, I hear you about winter coming. I have a group of girls who are talking about making a gym group. I could make it most evenings on my way home from work, provided Cole and I can arrange work schedules and Terra. I'm not ready to get a membership because I don't think I can follow through. I get the blues in the winter (which means it's even more important TO exercise) and lose all motivation. x_<

I'm stuck at my threshold as well. I think it's been the stress, as it can inhibit weight loss. I've been cutting back on my coffee, going from 5-6 cups a day to 1. I read that too much caffeine can mess up weight loss (metabolism) as well, but who knows how true it is.

Overall my diet is OK. I have too much dairy (calories), but I eat a lot of veg and fruit. I could always do better though. Dx

Yeah I get a bit of the SAD going on here too...and become even more of a homebody during winter due to the cold weather. It would be difficult for us to find time to go to the gym together. We're having trouble finding time just to spend just the two of us. Aaron gets in an hour before I start work. Once I'm done working he's making dinner...shortly after that he's getting ready for work. He may have an hour or two in between that, and he's had to keep up with Pam the past week to make sure she's getting homework completed and spending time with her as well.

Dealing with the very little bit of communication we get with one another on a regular basis, topped with a really stressful job, and added with the fact that we are so tight financially...I'm doing well to keep myself motivated. Some days it's pretty tough.

I bet. Not having the schedules to see each other blows. It's bad enough to have to be away at work X hours a day.

I read you guys got FF XIV. Is it good? :)

I couldn't tell you...I haven't played it at all. I've just been glancing over his shoulder while he's been playing. It looks interesting, but with my type of personality I can become horribly addicted to MMORPGs...

That's another one of those stresses as Aaron wants to sit and play his game, but given all that goes on he really doesn't have the time. Then with me wanting more time with him sometimes I feel like he lets the game win, and the time he 'sacrifices' would be time spent with me. I know better than to think he would sacrifice his time with Pam, especially since she's got to be so careful on her grades...for fear of her mother upholding her threats. The work and home obligations...I guess that is something that he can't really shirk off either.

We need more hours in a day. Seriously. I feel like it's work-->food-->sleep. But I also know a lot of the issue is me being tired. I could be more active with the kiddo... could go on walks, could take her to the school to play on the swings--stuff like that.

I'd become addicted to MMORPGs as well. It's bad enough just gaming. I did finally cave and get a 3DS, and I LOVE Theatrhythm. Do you still play that at all?

Ohmigosh...I haven't played that game in ages...!

I absolutely loved it as well. I may need to bust it out. I have spent countless hours playing it before and it is super fun and easy to pick up and play, then put down. I think that's the hardest thing about trying to game as an older adult -- you just don't have the hours to really enjoy an RPG anymore. I would love to but my attention span and lack of time make it impossible.

I could use like twice as many hours in the day. I just really feel like there is waaaay too much that needs to be done, and just no time. I would settle for a 3 day weekend though.

I'm regretting not taking a "vacation", but I told myself I will before I dive into therapy work. What I'm doing now is mentally exhausting, but in a different way. It's accounting based stuff, but there are things my family hasn't been able to do (burnout) and want help with, so that's where a lot of it's coming from. Tons of problem solving. Tons of figuring out what others have struggled with. It's usually done with me sitting in a dark room fumbling for a light switch. :p

If you do pick up the game again we should connect. I think they can be played together???

I think they can, but I think it may have to be locally? I'll have to double check.

I can imagine it's exhausting in a fairly different way. I'm sure if I had to change up my work I would find it stressful in some way, shape, or form. It's just wishing I had more options. I guess I could try to take just anything that happened to open up, but I'm guaranteed that it will be for lesser pay, and less glamorous hours. I'm actually working a 9am-5:30pm work day and I know there's a lot of people would LOVE to have that.

I guess I had to try to keep on reminding myself of what I was giving up by walking away and letting it get the best of me.

Lemme know what you find out and we'll connect if we can do it wirelessly.

I loved my case management job. It was only part time, but I could make my own schedule. Some weeks I worked two 10 hour shifts and had the rest of the time devoted to classes and Terra. It was awesome!

Blah, I need to get going. Gotta pull something together for the SQF program. My grandmother wants to see something tangible come tomorrow. >.>

Originally Posted by Chi

Nah, I fully believe you when you say there's no sale data and that the buyers are few. The site is quite slow, unfortunately. :(

I had someone potentially interested in doing art for some Patti's items, so if Roxxxy: is still interested in trading the Bloom for a fan and some gold, I'll try to work something out with her. Otherwise I'll see if Izumi: is interested.

Did you have any other of the items I'm hunting for, Roachi?

No i don't sorry chick. :(

Yeah I wish I could set my own hours whenever I want...Would be awesome.

Goodluck on getting your stuff together for your job. Hopefully things will transition smoothly for you with getting your licensing and finding a job in the field you've actually been trained to work in!

I'm needing to settle in for bed...got to wake up at 6am to make sure Pam is getting up and around for school. I'm not a morning person, either...

Bummer, Roachi!

That's when I usually get up, Izumi. I wish I could get up around 9am instead. That would be ideal. >.>

Yeah, me too. I wish I could wake up later. I use to wake up at 8am, but with Pam in school she has to be at the bus stop at 6:45. I wake up at 6am to make sure her butt is up and around. I know too well how hard it can be to get up in the mornings. I also offered to walk out there with her but her 'I don't care' attitude I was like OK I'll just wait here. She's a bit bummed as dad gets home around the same time the bus comes around, and she wants dad to take her to school. I told her that maybe Sunday, but when the weather gets bad he may not make it home in time to make sure she gets to school on time. We'll see. I said something to dad this morning when he got home and he says he doesn't mind and also said maybe they can make Monday mornings where they both grab some breakfast to go as a 'treat'.

I'm up, awake, and ready. Still not wanting today, but eh. I have a lot to do when I get home (laundry, dinner, clean-up). Where Cole is going to finish registration of the new vehicle, he'll need to work later tonight than usual. Hopefully I'm not pooped out come 3pm to get all this mess done. I need an early bedtime tonight. xD Was up too late doing more SQF stuff and I barely got a thing accomplished.

Have a good day!

You have a good day as well!!

I was up a couple minutes before 6am, and I spent the first hour just getting a couple cups of coffee and waking up. I got my shower, might get a bite to eat and by 8:45 I will be getting prepped for work today. Hoping it will be a very quick and easy day.

Tonight...not a whole lot. I've been running laundry through the wash this morning, so I will have some laundry to fold. I'll see if I'm motivated to do much more. That way I'm not leaving everything for Friday. By Friday I'm hoping to have enough wind in me to do some general cleaning in the house.

Yep, still wanting it :)
Did you figure out a price yet?

Also: I have an extra Baby Yan I would trade, if you were interested.

Roxxxy, how much pure are you willing to add? What makes it a comfortable transaction for you?

Izumi, I need to get going on laundry, but Cole will be home in an hour so I'll wait for him to wrangle the baby. Sometimes she's fine with me going to the laundry room and other times she's not (usually when it starts to get dark). I'm also going to make a chore chart tonight because I'm annoyed at a few things, and I'm sure Cole is as well.

Aww I'll probably miss you, Chi... But I'll post something for you to look at when you get back. :3

I had my weekly one on one with my manager today, and she said something to me today about how my personality is hindering my performance at work. Don't get me wrong, I'm hitting all of the requirements for keeping the customer informed, making sure to follow all the black and white stuff....it's the way I present the answers to the customer though that is making the difference. That I'm constantly seeing things in a negative light and fixating on it, and it's showing in my stats. She's like you had the same exact problem at the chat job I did previously and once I found out how to switch that off at work my stats did a complete 180. She's like I need to apply it to a much deeper level to fix the issue I'm having at work as well as greatly improve my life.

I guess I could use some tips/pointers to work on my thought pattern. Kind of like a do it your self cognitive behavioral therapy session/s that will help rewire the way I think. I know I have a very over-analytical behavior, and I constantly get hung up on the details rather than looking at the bigger picture. I thought maybe this would be up your alley?

I know you were suggesting that book about zebra stripes. I'm wondering if reading that would answer a lot of questions. I did check the library to see if it was in stock and we don't have it. It isn't a real expensive book, and I may put down the money to buy a digital copy here once we have a little extra money. It sounded like a good read.

The "zebra" book is all about stress and stress management. Beneficial, but not the same as CBT. It's worth a read regardless!

For a starter question, do you realize when you're being negative and/or fixated on negative thoughts? Some people don't until it's pointed out, much like what you just described with your manager.

Eh to a point. I think I realize that I'm doing it, but it comes so naturally to me that it's an automated response. Hopefully it makes sense? It's so ingrained in me, and I don't know exactly how or where I started it...in fact I think I was fairly young. My mom always said I was a very negative child and never seemed happy.

It does make sense. You might want to take a peek at self-administered CBT handbooks. The general idea is how we think impacts how we behave. If we alter how we think (e.g. lessen negativity), we alter our behavior (e.g. more positive mood).

One trick is to take note when you're doing it and immediately stop. Repeatedly. Several times a day if need be. Own the negativity (important). Own it in some form so that you're accountable and are thinking about it.

Or another trick is to try different behaviors out even if you think they won't work. When you take note of the negativity, slap something positive in there even when it feels uncomfortable (because it's outside of the norm, the "comfort zone"). Takes a long time to fully switch.

A workbook or CBT-based journal may be helpful, too.

I will need to do some looking around on amazon and see if I can't find something that would fit and be a good read. Maybe in the meantime I'll go down to the library and see if anything else would fit that description. I think it would be a step in the right direction. I would love to pay someone to help, but at the same time being uninsured it would be extremely expensive.

That and I think it is something I could work on in my own time, given I'm in the right frame of mind.

---------- Post added 09-09-2013 at 10:00 PM ----------

With that, I do need to get some sleep. I'll be up bright and early in the morning. Talk with you later. :3

Yeah, being uninsured it's expensive... really expensive, even if you find a sliding scale fee. It would take "at least" 12 sessions I would think, if not more. A workbook you can work on during your own time when you're ready.

Sleep well! I need to get to bed too.