Thread Tools

lilpanda1224
5.99
Send a message via AIM to lilpanda1224
lilpanda1224 is offline
 
#1
Old 12-07-2007, 06:47 PM

chilling freezing ice
slipping sliding ice skating
frozen red hands

iViolent
⊙ω⊙
204.12
iViolent is offline
 
#2
Old 12-07-2007, 10:51 PM


its good except im not sure if i like that ice was mentioned twice D:

chelsearose.
*^_^*
650.06
Send a message via MSN to chelsearose.
chelsearose. is offline
 
#3
Old 12-08-2007, 12:45 AM

It's good, but as iViolent said, the ice being mentioned twice is a bit of a throw off. Haiku tends to flow a lot better when the lines mesh better, not just naming off random things about a topic. Something like this for example (Made it up on the spot in a bit of a hurry so it isn't that great, but it gives you an idea of what I mean):

Spring birds emerge now,
Cold ushered by their voices,
Singing like angels.

Try re-writing your haiku as something happening and see what comes out of it :3

Also, be careful with your syllables! Your last line only has 4 syllables, instead of 5.

I hope this helps :3 Also, if you weren't looking for any critisizm/help, or don't like my advice, sorry in advance! I mean no harm, just trying to help you out :3

Bloody Rag Doll
Dead Account Holder
14.54
Bloody Rag Doll is offline
 
#4
Old 12-08-2007, 01:29 AM

I like it.

 


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

 
Forum Jump

no new posts