Okay. This is Fabby's new journal. She's making it because AT THIS MOMENT, she feels like she needs to vent.
Comments welcome :D
Although I don't think anyone really wants to read the insanely long walls of text... XD

___________________________


Oh, my god.
I hate him so fucking much I could shoot him in the face.
Alright, that's a lie.
I actually love him very much.
But he's so frustrating sometimes. -_-

He needs me to go down to McDonald's so I can make him feel better.
It's so damn cold out there.. and it's snowing..
I DON'T WANT TO TAKE A BUS!

But you know I'm going to anyway.
Because I love him and I need to be there for him.

I know it's not his fault when he's sad or the fact that he has a GIANT MASSIVE METAPHORICAL WALL AROUND HIM, but that doesn't stop me from being so frustrated.

And I can't take it out on him, as I can't blame him for being depressed, so here I am.

Of course, he has to deal with my panic attacks, manic moments, and suicide attempts so I guess we're even.

STILL DOESN'T STOP ME FROM BEING SO FRUSTRATED.

Is that wrong of me? Should I not feel this way?
It's irritating to have to always reassure him that I'll always be there, that I won't leave him, that I'll help him... yet he always has to reassure me of the same thing. I feel like a hypocrite now.

But it's just... so... -smacks self in forehead- It's hard, because he gets depressed and locks down.
And he gets angry and I can't do anything about it. I don't know how to go about combating a personality disorder, particularly one that seems impossible to fix. He says he'll help, but how much he really can do is debatable. That's not really his fault either.. XD that's like yelling at me for having mood swings.

Still. Makes me want to smash a little kid's head in sometimes.

Such are the downfalls of dating a schizoid man.

He's the most amazing person I've ever met and I have no idea how to help him.
T_T

Well thank you, I feel much better now.
(And any idea of how you cure being schizoid are lovely. XD)

Hi Mene. I'm back with more ranting for no one to read.

So, today sucked.

I was basically on the computer all day.
My mom is pissed at me because I didn't walk the dog.

I would have walked the dog, but it's fucking cold and there's snow on the ground. I'm not going out in that. I don't love the dog THAT much.
It's his own fault for being "incapable" of taking a shit in the backyard anyway.

By incapable, I mean he knows he can get a walk out of it so he just WON'T.

Poor dog, my ass. I feel no pity. Even though I love my doggie to pieces.


And now I'm back at my dad's. Ugh.


So I didn't get to see Jon today, because Jon's dad decided that he didn't want him to see me.
Maybe it's because I randomly showed up yesterday.
Or maybe his dad is just a jackass.

I say both.
Fucking faggot.


And I don't think Viki's mom will EVER let me see her again. e_____e'' It's irritating. I actually try to hang out with my best friend, and her mom won't let me.

WHY DOES EVERYBODY'S PARENTS HATE ME?!
WHY?!
WHAT DID I DO?!

So.. I smoke? What's the big deal about that?
Does smoking make me a bad person or something?
I haven't gotten drunk in months.
And I hardly ever smoke weed.
Ugh.

I'm a bitch, yeah, but.. I at least try to be polite.
Apparently I completely fail or something.
Because everyone's parents hate me. Fuckers.

It's not that I care about their opinion...
But it makes it hard to hang out with their children when they won't let me because they think I'm some sort of evil satanic demon.



And so I left a Cherry Pepsi on my desk when I left for my mom's last week, right?
Well, guess what happened?
It apparently leaked through sometime during the week and my poor desk is all warped now. Ugh.


I'm listening to Atreyu's new album... (Lead Sails Paper Anchor)
It's not bad, but definitely not up to par with Atreyu's other stuff.
Of course, I said that about Deathgrip and I love that CD as much as I love The Curse now.
Becoming the Bull is an awesome song, though.
I hated it the first time I heard it, but...
Now I love it.


And tomorrow I have to go back to school.
Ugh.
I don't want to.
Sorry, I'm crazy, I can't go back.
I hate it. I don't do well there.
I'm waiting to have another manic attack in the middle of class and get sent BACK to the psych ward.

And Jon's really not getting any better. Two mental breakdowns within 12 hours of each other is not good.



-Rubs temples-
I hate my life.

Jesus fucking Christ I had a terrible morning.
Allow me to tell you about it.

SO:

I wake up this morning feeling really really depressed and shitty. Being depressed in itself will pretty much kill your day. Ohh, but it gets worse.

Jon texts me and tells me that he can't come get me.
Usually he does and we go back to his house and hang out, but today his dad is home and using the Jeep.
THANKS, MARK, YOU JUST MADE MY DAY TEN TIMES WORSE, ASSHOLE.

THEN I get to school and realize... IT WAS A LATE START DAY! I didn't have to be there for another hour!
I was pissed as hell.


So I decide to leave, even though it's -2 outside.
Seriously, that is how much I did not want to be in class. I think I should get it excused just because of the lengths I went to.
I couldn't go back to my dad's, because he was home.
That would never work.

So I decide... that my mom's is the only place I can go. The problem? The bus ride is an hour.
O_O THAT'S A LONG TIME IN THE COLD!
An hour IF you catch the 65, and that comes once every million years. Fuck that.

[Note: Unless you are a Denver inhabitant, this next piece will probably make little to no sense to you.]


So I leave, walk out to Hampden. I took the 35 down to Monaco, just because it only took a few minutes for the 35 to arrive.
But of course, RIGHT when I need it, this mysterious traffic pops up and makes me wait an extra 10 minutes for the bus to progress that two motherfucking blocks...
And it's only a three-minute bus ride anyway.
SO RTD SCREWED ME OVER ONCE.

Then, I get off.

RIGHT as I'm getting off, the 65 drives by.
What the fuck.
So RTD screwed me over TWICE!
Since the 65 JUST PASSED ME, I decide to walk.

From Hampden all the way down to Yale.
Now, Hampden to Yale really isn't that painful of a walk.

I've walked from Hampden to Evans before and it really wasn't that bad.

But today, it was fucking freezing out (literally)
there was snow all over the ground
and I was depressed and operating off of four hours of sleep.

So, with the help of my trusty iPod, I trudge all the fucking way down to Yale. And right as I get there...
ANOTHER 65 DRIVES BY! FUCK YOU, 65!
How the hell does that even WORK? The 65 only comes once every two hours, and it came within half an hour?
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.
AND RTD SCREWED ME OVER THREE TIMES.

So I start walking up Yale.
This time, I don't even consider waiting for the bus as the bus ride is a minute at its longest anyway.

Even though my thighs were completely numb (Tripp pants, while they may be terribly pretty and very large, are not very thick and offer little to no protection from the cold.)
and my fingers were frozen halfway off
and my right shoe had gotten some fucking snow in it
and my chest hurt (somewhere along the way, I had gotten the hiccups. O_O)
and I WAS COLD
and I felt like I was about to puke.

And of course, right as I reach Quebec, the 27 drives by.
AND RTD HAS SCREWED ME OVER FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME TODAY.

GODDAMNIT.

So I walk down Quebec, the last little leg of my journey. This is where I'm actually going to take a bus, as this one comes every half hour and I just couldn't fucking walk anymore.
So I walk down Quebec to the nearest bus stop looking over my shoulder every FIVE SECONDS thinking the bus was going to pass me RIGHT BEFORE I got there and make me wait a full half hour for another. Probably longer, RTD always runs late in the snow.

But it didn't.
And I only had to wait about 15 minutes for it to come (I was expecting to have to wait, like, 45.)

Hell, can you blame me for being paranoid?
Everything else had screwed me over, I figured this would too.

So I got on the bus and it dropped me off and I finally made it to my mom's house.
I discovered that she wasn't even up yet, so I tried not to wake her and made some oatmeal and toast.

And I wrapped myself up in two comforters and laid in bed and watched some stupid chick flick until I got tired and went to sleep.
And then I got up around... 2:30.
By which time my mother had left, so I don't think she ever knew I was here.
Whatever.
Works for me.

And now I have a shrink appointment in an hour and I'll be fucking damned if I take a bus ALL THE WAY BACK TO MY DAD'S.
(I have to take, essentially, the exact same route only go slightly farther.)
If he wants it so bad, he can COME PICK ME UP.
Fuck that shit.

My chest hurts.

Yet another rant from Fabby.

Grrr...
Stupid fences.

Jon was supposed to be here three damn hours ago.

He called at one, told me he'd be leaving soon. He told me he'd call me right before he got there because he knew right after he hung up I'd go back to sleep.
So I hung up and went right back to sleep. XD

Then I slept. It was pretty light as I was expecting a call and I kept on waking up.
It felt like I had been laying there, waking up and going back to sleep, for half an hour... but I figured it just felt longer than it really was and he'd call me when he needed me.

So I look up and realize that it's almost two, and he still has yet to call.

So I go back to sleep for ten more minutes before finally dragging myself out of bed and calling him to discover...

He had hit some ice while he was leaving (note that he was probably swerving his car around like a madman, trying to slide as he thinks it's uber fun...) and had slammed into some guy's fence.

So now it's 4:00 and he still isn't done.
I don't know why this is taking so long...

I didn't know the legalities involving accidentally taking out part of a guy's fence were so extensive that they take three hours to figure out.

So here I am, sitting here, just waiting around.
Trying to keep myself busy so I don't think about smoking.

I'm trying to quit, y'see.

I'm not allowed to have a cigarette until 9:00 tonight.
That's only... five hours away.
God, this is miserable.
Jon needs to come over already.

He's plenty distracting.
Just sitting here... alone... on a Friday afternoon...
Too tempting.

I sort of want to draw something, but have no inspiration. O_o

I realize that I should go rant in my ranting log, as I am at LEAST three months behind, but I'm already ranting here.
Meh.
Oh well.
I'll go read now.

The same book I've been reading.
But rather than just read it... I read it in a random order, reading random chunks in the story out of order.
I've read it all before, so it makes sense, but I guess it would make more sense to read it cover-to-cover.


We should get gold from this forum.
I'd be 80g richer if we did from my walls of text rants.

Goddamnit. He promised.

He promised me he'd come see me today.
Not like it's a huge deal, I just saw him yesterday, but still...
He promised.
And by 3:30, I was awake and he wasn't here.

Now he won't answer his phone.
That's never a good sign.

His dad must have gotten to him or something.
He's probably off having a mental breakdown,
and he won't let me help.

He probably thinks he's sparing me the trouble or something.
Of course, when he just STOPS answering me I know something is wrong.

After I got up I sent him a text to see what happened.
When he didn't answer that one, I got a little worried and sent another to ask if he was okay.

After he didn't answer THAT one, I got VERY worried and decided to call.

And he didn't answer, and he's not supposed to work for another 20 minutes.
Alright, maybe more like 10, but still...

So I know something is up, but he won't answer to tell me what it is.
I would just go down to McDonald's on my own, but with my luck he'll have called in sick or something and I'll have to turn right back around and go home.
And it's cold and snowing outside.
I love him to death, but I'm definitely not going down unless I can get a hold of him first.

I mean, I don't mind going down. I'd really prefer not to, seeing how shitty the weather is.
But if he needed me to, I'd go.
Unfortunately, I'm not spontaneous enough to just SHOW UP. I'd want to know he was down there and really needed me first.
He should be down there and he should need me... but maybe his phone is just dead or something?
I don't know.


I'm assuming after he calms down a little, he'll call me or something...

And if not, well...
He can't avoid me forever.


And I really need a cigarette, too, but I can't get my hands on one. Ugh.
I thought it would be simple because I was having almost no cravings. Well, now they're back.
Apparently I can only go this long.
Whatever, I can push it a little farther.
I sort of have to. There's nothing to smoke. Jon has my cigarettes and he very consistently forgets to bring me one.
He was good about it at first.

Now he just forgets all the time.
It's annoying.
Ugh, fuck.
I want to go back to bed.

Yeah, this is going to be another rant about Jon.

It probably sounds like we have the worst relationship ever or something... but we don't.
I love him very much, and I'm willing to work through this with him.
We're both having a hard time right now. I think he needs me now more than ever. So I'll be here.


But I still wish things could go back to the way they were when we'd been dating a month.
Back when his dad didn't even know who I was and one of us wasn't having to console the other at all times.
Back when things were simple.
But they were bound to get harder eventually.
I guess this is why most high school relationships can't last.

Because high schoolers are picky little sluts who refuse to try to work out issues or deal with someone's flaws. They're still looking for Mr. Right.
Well, I'm long past admitting Jon has flaws, though he still seems perfect in my eyes... as perfect as any man could ever be, anyway.
I'm happy with him, despite the fact that sometimes he pisses me off (a lot) and sometimes he frustrates me (A LOT) and sometimes he confuses me.
I'll deal with all the bullshit I have to for that happy warm tingly feeling I get when he holds me.


So today...
Jon apparently slept through his alarm, which is why he didn't come over. >_< I didn't really expect him to... lately we haven't been able to see each other nearly as much as we've been accustomed to.
But I got my hopes up anyway and of course, they were crushed.

So then I call him around 3:00. Surprise surprise, he actually answered and after determining he was ridiculously depressed I decided to try and convince him to stay home from work.
Maybe not the brightest idea, but I had the best of intentions.

I thought that if he came to see me instead, I could make him feel better.
I don't want him going off and having to stand around and take orders for 8 hours. It'll only make things worse.
I tried, but of course he said no.
I'm not sure if trying to make him stay home from work is right or not. I'm just looking out for his best interests, and I know for a fact that even if he DID get caught he wouldn't get fired.
They're apparently short-staffed right now because of Ryan and thus they need Jon to fill in all the extra hours.
Plus, he knows how to close. That's an advantage.



So anyway...

Now I'll end up going down to McDonald's.
I cannot express to you how much I hate that place.

Sure, I don't mind doing it every so often, but it seems like as of late I've been going down 3-4 times a week. I think I should just GET A JOB there because I spend so much time sitting around not doing anything in that damn restaurant. I could do what I do now, only keeping myself occupied and getting paid.

I like to go down when he's depressed to make him feel better.
But he's always depressed now...

It used to be that I would just go down every so often, when I was bored.
It was a fun thing to do, to go visit him at work.
Back then Chris and Ryan were there too, and as annoying as those two are, I'd much rather them be here.

Now Chris quit and Ryan was fired and so I have absolutely nobody to talk to so I just FUCKING SIT THERE FOR EIGHT FUCKING HOURS. Ugh.

I don't even know why I do it.
I'm the only person I know who is willing to sit there at their boyfriend's job through his entire shift...
With absolutely nothing to do.

I get to talk to him for a half hour on his break and a half hour after he gets off. If it's not a busy day, sometimes he can come over and say hi for about two minutes before someone comes in on the drive thru.

Josh is always on grill, so I can't really talk to him, either. And that's the extent of the people I know.

And I ask myself, as much as I love this man, why the fuck do I do this?
It makes him happy.

I guess it's worth it to make him happy.


But still, I feel ridiculous coming down and just sitting there.
I know the other employees know who I am, and I feel pathetic about it. Like I'm so obsessed that I can't be without him while he's at work.
It's not like that, but it still makes me feel.. awkward.

And I'm always paranoid Dan will kick me out because I'm just sitting there and I never buy any food. Any food I get Jon gives to me.
Mario wouldn't kick me out. He knows me.
But Dan... is picky.

What do I do?
Do I continue to waste days down there where I am miserable and bored for eight hours...
Or do I just stay home and try to console him via text messaging?


I'm confused...

Ugh. Everything has sucked so badly lately.
I feel like I can't do anything right...
And I fail at everything.
Maybe I should just kill myself and get it over with.
It's not like anyone would miss me anyway...

I spend half my time crying.
I spend the other half feeling like an idiot, confused and not being able to make any proper decisions about anything.
I'm just so confused.
And I don't want to deal with it anymore.
I want to lock myself in my room and never come out.

I feel so unwwaaannnttteeed...

Everybody's talking about how awesome Menewsha's community is and while I have to agree I have to wonder, does anybody even know who I am?
I attempt to be active but still, I feel like I'm not really needed here. T_T

Or maybe I'm just being depressed.
I enjoy it here, so I stay anyway.

I've pretty much realized that nobody's ever going to remember who I am.
(Or read this journal entry...)


Yeah, so I've realized how bad my social life has gotten.
There are two people in my life that I would consider a friend. Everyone else is just a minor acquaintance, people who I'm on friendly terms with and can say hi to... but I never really talk to these people.
I had more friends, but they dropped out or switched schools. e_e''

Now I have two whole friends, that I'm not even close to. They're people I hang out with at school, and I only really care about one of them. I don't talk to them about personal things, just giggle with them.

I've never really had a lot of friends in my life, but this is the first time that I just haven't WANTED any.
Before at least I got lonely and wanted someone to talk to.
Now... not really.
I like to have people at school I can talk to so it makes the day go faster, but I'm all the more content to stay in on the weekends and spend all my time by myself.

Is this bad?

Urgh. This site is starting to piss me off in ways that Gaia has. Unfortunately, it is still the lesser of two evils and I cannot expect perfection from any one site or set of staff, and I still think that this staff is doing a good job.

Perhaps some of them could do well to not take things so personally, but overall I think they're doing well... users are just picky as fuck. -_-''


SO ALLOW ME TO RANT ABOUT MY LEAST FAVORITE TOPIC:
School.

My god, how I hate school.
No one has shut up about it for the past... oh, say... semester. Ugh.
They just go on and on and on about it. Really.
I guess I probably do deserve it, but that doesn't stop it from pissing me off.
This is basically how it's gone:

"Ashley! Why were you late to ONE CLASS!?!"
"Ashley! You ditched one period? What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"Ashley! You haven't showed up to class for the last three days, you whore!"
"Ashley! Why haven't you gone to school for the past month!? RRRAAAGGHHH!"
"Fine. We're just going to keep you home. We give up. But we won't stop ranting about how your education is important."
"YOU NEED TO MAKE A DECISION NOOOOW!"
"School school school. Blah blah blah."
"SO WHERE ARE YOU GOING THEN!?"
"You need to go back on Tuesday, even though you have no intentions of staying at TJ as it is FULL OF FAGGOTS!"


Uggghhh.
I have, in fact, decided that my current school will never work. It is a lost cause.
I could go back, but obviously things will never change there.
So now people want to know where I want to go.

Well, I want to go to the same place that I've wanted to go to for the past year and a half.
INTERNET SCHOOL.

Honestly, I hate high school. Far more than the average whiny teenager does, as well.
I just sincerely, honestly, supremely, cannot stand the place.

HAVE A LIST:
ONE. I am a night person. I always will be. Waking up at 6:30 in the morning just will not work for me.
TWO. I hate people. I just honestly hate people. I can't stand being shoved in a room full of 30 immature faggots that I hate supremely and annoy me to no end for an hour. God, it's horrible. But this one is one of the lesser problems.
THREE. The abhorring sort of structure just kills me. In high school you're supposed to have more freedom, but I still feel so damn restricted. I can't do anything. I'm stuck being a zombie, walking from class to class without even thinking about it, doing the same damn thing every day. And I don't even get a choice in the matter. I have to drone on and on like this, miserably attending class after class wishing that for one day something different would happen.
FOUR. If I just so happen to have a bad day or something, I'm expected to simply tough it out.
Ugh.
Can't I have a little bit of credit for having a raging mental disorder that no one cares enough to fix? RRAGGGHH..

I'm sure there's more, but that is all I can think of off the top of my head. Grrrrrrrr...

MWAHAHAHA!

I got it I got it!
I got a tablet!

His name is Waffles and he's a Wacom Bamboo Fun.
I love him like I love his sister Pancake. XD

I just thought everyone needed to know that.
Lots of arts for ya'll now as I obsess over this thing.

I feel useless.

It started off simply enough;
I was looking through some other people's drawings.
Some on this site, some on OekakiCentral.

And I realized just how bad mine were in comparison.
Even the people who weren't really notably good were better than me. I don't feel bad because I'm not better than everybody.
But I do feel bad when I realize that nearly every picture beats mine out.
Even the ones that I can tell aren't that good look better than mine.

And I realized that I need to stop letting people convince me I have talent, because I don't.
I'm not good at anything, really.
I'm just not.
I guess that I'm decent at drawing, but I'm not good.
I guess I can write mildly well when I try, but not well enough for anybody to care.

Everybody knows it.
I am completely lacking in any sort of talent.
Everybody likes to tell me I'm so smart or gifted or talented or whatever...
AT WHAT?
WHAT IS THIS HIDDEN TALENT THAT I HAVE YET TO FIND, THAT EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT BUT ME?

I don't have one.
I'm not good at anything.
And I don't even LIKE anything.

I have nothing that I genuinely enjoy.

I am pathetic.

I am worthless and useless and I don't mean a thing.
This world would be exactly the same without me.
I've made no impact.

I haven't even made an impact in the small scale.
I can think of three people who would be notably affected if I died, and two of them are my parents.
I make the other one miserable on a daily basis.

I haven't even affected anyone on this damn website.
I don't really care that nobody notices me here, but if I'm feeling depressed it can make it worse.
That I spend such a good amount of time on here and still nobody knows who I am.


It's the story of my life.
I've always been there, but nobody knows who I am.
And if they do, they don't care.

It's a bit of a depressing realization that nobody cares.

And I am useless.


I should give up.
If I stop expecting myself to somehow do well, I can live with the disappointment.
So can everyone else. Everyone else can stop being upset when I fail over and over and over.
If I get used to living a mediocre life... I guess I could be content.
Never happy, but content.
I could get mediocre grades, go to a mediocre college, get a mediocre job, and possibly get married to someone who I don't really love but am on friendly terms with.
Just so I don't get too lonely.

And that could be my life.
It sounds reasonable.
It sounds decent.

It's all I ever expect.



And nobody will even read this damn journal entry.
But I wrote it anyway, in hopes that someone might notice me.

OH MY GOD.

Kevin is officially the MOST ANNOYING MAN ever.
So, he decided he was going to wake me up at 11:00 to go take me to some art supply store. And I don't care how wonderful your damn art supplies are, you are NOT getting me up with only 4.5 hours of sleep in my system. It just isn't happening.

So I lock my door and try to go back to sleep. I figured that after about 20 minutes, he'd give up and leave me the hell alone.

BUT NO!

For THREE HOURS, he tries to wake me up. At first, he just tries knocking on the door and telling me to get up. Then, he threatened to dump water on me and let Alena jump on me.
Then he moved to attempting to guilt me out.
Then he moved to threatening to send me to the psych ward.
For the record, I don't think they will accept a patient because the patient didn't want to wake up. XD I don't think that really counts as a disorder, it just counts as wanting more sleep.

And he's jumping on the floor upstairs and everything. It's all terribly annoying.
And the more he does it, the less I want to get out of bed.
My god, can't I just sleep? What the HELL do you people have against me GOING TO SLEEP!?
So now he thinks that when he gets back the dishes will be done and the basement will be vacuumed.
Or at least, it's what he 'expects'.

Like I give a fuck. I might have, had I not been so pissed at him for A) being FUCKING ANNOYING and B) thinking that he has some sort of authority.

Lately he's been annoying the shit out of me and mostly because he thinks he's my mother. He's not my mother, he doesn't really have ANY authority over me, and he can't fucking tell me what to do!
GRR!


So, I am so damn glad that it is Sunday and I'm going back to my dad's. I have pretty much never been glad that I'm going back to Dad's, but this one week has been HELL.

1) MOM WILL NOT SHUT THE FUCKING HELL UP ABOUT SCHOOL. I'm serious. Every conversation leads to how I'm lazy, don't do anything, and need to go back to school. Ugh. Seriously, I am about ready to just tell her to fuck off and I am dropping the fuck out because I am so GOD DAMN SICK OF HEARING ABOUT IT. MY GOD! The more they bitch about it and make me feel like shit about not going, the LESS I want to actually go! ARRRGGGHHH!

2) Kevin has been an annoying jackass lately. I'm not sure why, but he's been pissing me off like crazy and I'd quite honestly just like him to go away.

3) At Dad's, nobody tries to wake me up when they deem is 'the right time'. I can actually FUCKING SLEEP. For as LONG AS I WANT.

4) I have more... freedom there. I'm not sure how it is, because I have more rules there, but I feel like I have more freedom. Possibly because at the moment, my mom is being the biggest bitch ever. So is her boyfriend.

5) I have a halfway decent computer there with Photoshop and Pokemon. XD This one is the most trivial reason, but I'm tired of Oekaki applets. I want my Photoshop back. And my computer is in my room, so I can be nice and isolated.

PANCAKE AND WAFFLES!
Hehe<333

Uggh. if err..Kevin would've done that to me, I think I would've killed him.
I HATE being forced outta bed
>.<

I wish I had photoshop :[


As for the hidden talent thing..
I still have yet to find mine.
If I even have one
D:

I guess it is too much to ask for me to not be miserable.

For the past... while, I've been almost happy. Happier than I've been in a long, long time. And for the most part, so has he.
And then it feels like even since coming back to Mom's I feel like it's all crashing down again. Any shreds of contentedness I had are being quite cruelly ripped away from me and I'm left with... nothing.
It's hard to deal with his depression when I can't even conquer my own. It puts a considerable strain on me, and thusly, the relationship. But I know we need each other to get through this.

I feel.. miserable, quite honestly. Horrible and terrible. I was finally happy, and they took it away from me, damnit. I don't even know who 'they' are, but they took it away from me, so I hate 'them'. I want everything to be nice and simple and I just want to sleep away all the days.

I needed to get this out somewhere, and I thought here would be a good place considering it's not something that I really want or need comments on by the general populace of the Site Feedback or Community Discussion. Most of this is just repeats of what everybody knows, so it is undeserving of a thread.


AAAGGHHH! Mene, you are making me angry. I do love this site and have no intention of quitting, but a hiatus is sounding nice. At least until things pick up.
New Software = sdlgkhdsg;ldskhg;ha. Seriously.
Most users here are bored, and with good reasons. Mene is pretty much in a slump right now. The games suck, and we all know it. Descender has been down since before I joined, which was quite some time ago. That is really the only game worth playing, seeing how all the other games are just clicking and random chance. Fishing is a chore, and I hate doing it, but it's pretty much the only way to make enough gold to keep up with inflation. With forums that are slow, especially with how few users are online, games are kind of necessary to keep users on the site. Frankly, the forums are pretty boring at the moment. And we've all noticed how stupid the topics in the GD are getting. It's become the home of post-and-runs. But really, that's the only place I feel comfortable outside my art shop, due to the clique-y feel and the fact that I am relatively unknown here. And unfortunately, some of the most active users are the ones that annoy me the most. And trust me, there's a lot of annoying users on here. XD

I realize that the new software is coming, and several issues will be resolved. Unfortunately, it won't make the GD any better, but hey. What can you do? Still; this whole 'new software' idea has been one of the most aggravating things... ever. You guys have been dangling it in front of our faces for HOW LONG now?! All this promise of new software, and then the release dates keep getting pushed back. I do understand that Ken (and the rest of the staff, for that matter) have been working their little asses off.

[Grammatical error. I point out my own and don't fix them sometimes.]

But that doesn't make this any less fucking irritating. I get the feeling it's pissing a lot of other users off, too. And don't even get me started on the beta testing thread. Talk about teasing to the point where I want to throttle the testers.

And I'm also really sick and tired of the answer to everything being the new software. Really, I kind of just wish that everybody would shut up about it until it's here. I'm tired of hearing about it. When it gets here, it gets here. Let's stop talking about it now. :D

But then... there's Galy. OH MY FUCKING GOD.
I was a supporter of Galy, even though I never liked her. I thought her banning was unfair, as much as I like our staff here. I still don't feel oppressed, but I have lost respect for Lee, most definitely.
With my opinion out of the way... AGH! Why can't you people let it go already!? It is always the same few users that bring up the issue in EVERY. SINGLE. THREAD. Is Galy a symbol of everything wrong with the staff, or something? Why will no one let this die? I am so fucking sick of hearing about it, honestly. The case has been closed, and the decisions have been made, and she's not. coming. back.
But no! In every fucking SF/CD thread I go into, her name pops up somewhere. And it's always the same few people getting into the same stupid fucking arguments. Why are we stuck in this Galy-Rut?

Please, let us move the fuck on already. I'm pretty sure everyone wants to except for the small group of asshats who keep bringing it up. I am starting to believe that they simply stick around to ruin the site for everyone else, too. -Waits for them to be banned-
e_____________________________________e;
I'm pretty sure you all know who this is directed at.

Okay, I feel better now.