90. waiting for the return

it is only a day since we saw each other
one day
and that is all it takes
for you see
I am already
waiting to return
waiting for school to start
to be in the same area as you
it hurts to be in chicago
in the same state
as you
when we can't see each other
that is the issue
it hurts
and for some reason
the tears won't cry
i know I can stand strong
but three months
of sleeping with you
and now
i sleep alone
wanting to be there
with you
and as such
waiting ot return
to school
how sad it is
I will never fully appreciate summer
for I will always
be wanting you
and wanting
to return

3. work

do I want to do it here
or there
it eearns what it does
but nothing more
I work better
with you there
but you don't
i am incentive
but not when I am next to you
but then again
I feel better
with you
it is similar
we are incentive
to get the work done
and as such
well
let's jsut say
we want to know
but now I am going home
home to the jobs back there
the pieces
but well
can I say anything
cause it earns me money
but it keeps me at home
they are fun
but so is
being with you

35. hunger

I hunger
for your touch
for the taste of your lips
as we bite
I hunger for the taste of your skin
as blissful as it isI hunger
for understanding
for never having to say goodbye
you did it gracefully
I don't see how you deal with immature me
that tries
but knows not how to do anything
so then why
why do I still hunger
I hunger for it allo
for your voice
for your piece of brain
for your discussion
yet I will not call you
I will do nothing
for yyou see
tonight
I will hunger for your touch
till I cry
from the lack
of your arms
wrapping around me
as I sleep

6. cosplay

the very existance of cosplay
it doesn't hurt
I've done it for years
but this year
well it does
it was my favorite
to be and do stuff with him
and so
coming back
it hurts just as much
as i watch myself once again
do a character form then
you see
no matter how hard I try
it seems
he seeps into the anime
the stuff I watch
and as such
i feel like he is a ghost
trying to haunt
you and I
and well
I hope not
it is all in my head
but cosplay now
it is a entity
I try to hide

7. first impression

i never expected
when I first saw you
to be with you
you were insane
charismatic
and insane
the obvious leader
but the insanity that ensued
but i do not remember
it all
you were crazy
as crazy but well reformed version
of your friend
it was amazing
to strong I figured
amusing
did alot
but yes
a grad
I never expected
a semester later
to be sleeping with you
it was amazing
you and i did nothing
no chasing
and if you did
it was small
we both had an interest
in understanding each other
at some point
i hope this never ends
though i doom us
and say it will
so when it all goes down
will it be that first impression
that will keep clear
for we all love you
as a the first impression
but like me
it is simply
just a face

91. the double edge sword

it is simply that
you found a root
a root of my problems
why I will never again
seem to understand
I know I am a burden
yet you have finally broken it all
it is something that through it all
you try your best
and it works
surprising
you put effort to keep it all up
and as such
you understand
you pulled a sword out
it is exactly as it looks
doomed either way
you will constantly have to keep at it
chipping at the problem
but if you choose to not
I will revert
and slowly hide my mentality from you
I would prefer not
and so I showed the tip to you
for you over everyone else
can probably break it
and give me a reason to live
for you see
the part of me
who understands
it all
also knows
if I didn't tell you
I would ruin what we keep strong
that we are open
for otehrwise
i am tired of it in me
so pull it out
that sword
with both hands
and although you might bleed
which i tear at
please
break it all
and turn it
so it won't bother me
ever again
please
take the double edge sword
and both of us
will share the burden
of it all

40. presents

I give them to everyone
one
isn't special
I have given them all away
as such
I worry
for you see
the only one
who ever actually expressed appreciation
is you
you have no idea what it was like
when I actually hear something
after the thank you
for you see
i am use to a simple thank you
then nothing else
but for you
you actually mention it later
it is odd
for you see
even your friends agree
all the insane things
come from her
she is insane
just as much as I can be
but are you worse
or just a different type
no gifts from you
I am curious
when something else comes by
and as such
i will be nice
and wait
for you see
i want nothing form you
but your present
but would love a reason
to actually fawn
over a simple gift
but I expect nothing
to some extent
for if I want soemthing specific
i will probably
be disappointed

77. stalker

he is scary
there is nothing else to explain
i worry
cause you see
I have a threat
and if it wasn't for everyone else understanding
then it is simply
that I am a problem
I want him to go away
i neve wanted to be wanted
to talk to
I want to talk to who I please
without the fear
that something wrong will happen
but this proves to me
humanity
is at it's worse
so then
why is it
that you hold me
when we both understand
the fear I see
the fear
that I will never again
be there
in full
and my paranoia
will involve
my death?

66. death

it has so many meanings
sleep
blood killing
and well
anything that involves something not functioning
that is the meaning of death
but what if someone took society seriously
and found out
indeed the depressed are somewhat serious
that life is not just a game
it is simple
the pulling of a trigger
a depression to the sleep
it kills us all
and so at that
i would be dead
many times over
due to sleep
and well
sometimes
I wish it was permanent
but then again
almost comatose would be better
and just watching society
as they came
and what would happen to me then
but I can not create that
so I choose not to
for it will pain
many around me

58. bathes

they cleanse it all away
my doubt
my feelings of sorry
and wash it all away
the water pelts
but maybe that is why I hate it so
the washing away
what if I want the feelings
what if I want the sorrow
it sits there
takes it all away
but then again
a bath with you is different
it washes it all away
and leaves you there
standing
and my love
stronger than before
my playfulness
there only
it shows me clean
under everything else
but then again
it shows your hair
at it's oddest
wet
rained down on
it shows you
like me
fully clean
but it also shows your strength
and what i love you for
just you
as such though
it shows me
dealing with that which I dislike
the rain
and the water
washing it all away
but with you there
it is more enjoyable than before
more playful
than I can be
by myself

random

To those who understand

I am sick and tired of the fight
the fight between my mom and I
it seems simple at first
independence or not
but it also seems
at least to me
to be more
it is simply
that we no longer understand each other
she apprently is pleased with my growth
in life
but it seems pointless
when everyday we argue
even on things i don't fight
I have given up the fight
let her win
for too many years
and well
I lost my life to hers
as such though
I have done everything
and much more
I have ran myself ragged
convinced myself that is what is good for me
lost time to having fun jsut sitting
and now
in such events
become impatient
it is sad that is how it happens
but you see
that is my life
life of event after event
never home
never doing something simple
I have to take time off only to sleep
not cause it is a hindrance
but because a nap
or a day off
must now be planned
but even now
she complains
and states
that I am lying
that I am giving mixed messages
and now
she is understnading
that i lie through my teeth
it hurts
to know one
who raised you
accuses you of lying
and that everything
every little bit
her facts are off
maybe she doesn't remember
having to fix each time
when one no longer wants to fight
is hard
and that
maybe she is wrong
and maybe I am
it isn't one or another
but when I correct one fact
and then state what I believe is the truth
then why is it
that she tells me
I was lying to her
that I am lying to her
when I have no recollection
nor feelings that this happened
for another event was caused by my insecurity from the questioned not answered
that she believed was
so who is wrong
what event ever took place
but why am I
the one considered lying
and why is it my fault
when mixed messages are sent
does she not understand
I want to be kind
and give others work
and not hoard it
it concerns me so
that it is a all or nothing in her mind
and she pushes me to the table
when i am fine
giving work to another
so why is it
a have job or not for her
yet she hates the other
and she harps on commitment
but tells me to drop my fun job
for an opportunity
without warning
is it I who is confused
and only I
or is it she
who is giving mixed mesages

37. emotional without the physical

it hurts alot
to be torn
to still love
when one is not near
it is hard
to not have conversation
but such is the way
the summer is
as such
that physical
that being with you
is amazing
glorious
but I am slowly
reverting
to just a unrequested love
to a slight stalk
for your touch
i long for
your kiss
i adore
and everything more
your act
your playfulness
is well
amazing
even just a moment
at recalling
it is simply
the yearn
for the touch
once more

70. beauty

you are there, I really do mean it
in your own way
I love you
in your own way
I see your beauty
it comes from your personality
and from how you look
how you "clean up"
it is nice
I love seeing you
looking at you
watching you
but at the same time
it is simply that your personality beams through
all that epidermis
so I was not ever kidding
when you had that confused look
the what should i do look
where my response was simple
"sit there and look pretty"
and I mean it
unlike me
it matters not
weather you are clothed
or not
but that is me
for you see
it is your personality
and your lovable feeling
your ability to talk
and your inner beauty
though you aren't bad at all on the outside
that is why
I love you
the beauty of your personality

27. distance

It hurts
the distance
it seems silly
but every small move
it hurts
cause well
every small misunderstanding
or every small instance
it is very hard
to understand
but we see
we should still get together
still try and sort this all out
but it is so hard
to do so
will you call
or will you ignore my plea
it is your choice
and as such
something
we both must work on
to overcome
this distance

8. never getting over it

is he over it
or not
we spent an entire 6 months
half a year
still liking each other
but in janurary
you tested me
to see if I would snap
and guess what
you did something stupid
if you still liked me
for you see
I found someone else
someone i like more
someone better
I knew it wasn't hard
but you wee
when I found the better
I have almost no need for you
no need to talk
nothing
so when I finally gave up
never being over you
are you
ever over me?

78. drama life

I've had more than my share
it is as if
all the years
I watched others have it
and now I understand
what it is
and what it is liek to have it
I hate it
I want to be background
but when I get issues
with my X
he still likes me
my first
would drop his current in a instant for me
a stalker
who swears that he doesn't like me that way, but is obviously obsessed
the one
my best guy friend
obsessed to point of my mere no longer talking to him
and his hurt
his immaturity
a leaving student
way too old for me
if my boyfriend wasn't old enough
who well
like me and i was the cause of him losing his girlfriend
but as such
it hurts
to watch
him try
to chase me
when I am not available
but my boyfriend
who deals with me
as my drama life
crushes my very normal existence
for that
is something
I never want to deal with
ever again

95. girly

i never liked skirts
they were way to girly
and as such
i wonder why I am liking them now
maybe cause it is a turn on for my boyfriend
maybe it is because they flow nice
maybe I am just tired of my own clothes
but either way
it is nice
to have the dresses
and the skirts
to show off to others
like i wish I could
so I am trying
to find more
and more
for the years to come
so I have more fun
wearing anything
and to always surprise just a little
with soemthing people
are truly not use to me being

12. do you trust me

do you trust my judgement
my statement
I am fine
it appears so
my voice
unchanged
my tone no longer mattering
but you see
for you
this would be scary
if you saw it
if you saw all of this red
this part of me
strode around me
but for me
this is life
proof I am alive
so do you trust my gut
the one who says
I am fine
for soon you will see
that no matter what
I am what I am
and fine is how I can be
but worry to worry
so that
if one day
I try to curl into a ball
and hide
don't let me

64. knowledge

you have more knowledge than I
there is no question
yet unlike me
you have less experience
and as such
i wonder who will suceed in the end
probably both
each in their own way
and that is why I see
knowledge better than me
for me
experience is easy
I never have enough
but knowledge
the knowing how to
the how it works
the odds and ends
I would say
I haven ot a clue for
and yes
it seems silly
but you and I
are both equally different
but experienced
differently
and because of this
I feel
we can stay like this
I avoid
as do you
but you see
it adds to the effect
when I can teach
and you can share
what knowledge
we both have

87. kisses

I miss them dearly
sometimes i wish I could get away with it more often
I wish I could just once again
long ago I was considered insufficient
it was only till later
that I understood
what one was
what good and bad was
it does tell one everything
and as such
i felt
and now understood
it was that mentality
that got me where I was
it was me
timid
but understanding i needed help
so it didn't hurt
for you see
it is that never again
can I go back
to a simple little understanding
it is that every thing
that one must close there eyes
that opening
is a sign of dominance
but a sign of mistrust
it is a bad idea
to ever get that far
but one sees
that it was while we were slightly drunk
that I felt the kiss once more
the good one
the one who did trust me
and the one
who was fine
it had been six months
and a long time
it re awoke what I was battling
and shattered any doubt
it was what hurt
and at that
I fell
fell into the love for your touch
it seems simple
but it is important
for that small amount is all I need
to understand
what is going on
and where one can go
with the simple touch
of the pierced
light
sensitive skin
that gets taken for granted
to a simple
but elegant
kiss

47. meeting

what counts as too much
what counts as too little
is it that simply
that when one see each other every day
one takes for granted the time
and yet
when I looked forward
at the time
and looking into this time period
I knew I would shatter
is it easier
to not hold onto you
or is it easier
to yearn for
the meeting once again
it is at this time
that i understand
that never again will I be simply
not doing anything
I bless the time
I do not have a schedule
but I would love
to meet once more
with you

15. kitties

I have called many
kitty
but it is the kitten i see
both within myself
and within others
the cute
but dangerous play
the one
that can stay innocent
it is that simple
I want to play with it
but it wants to look at everyone from affar
it is that simple self
that sees you as who you are
with the cat eyes one has
with the look
as if possibly knowing everything
they can
read
assume they know
but it is the simple things
of what they hear
through word of speech
or through language
that gives it all away
it is that simple self
the one
when one is crying to
that can sit there
listen silently
and give up nothing
but absorb it all
through the fur
and through the eyes
as if hoping you get better
but say nothing
letting one wallow in their own sorrow
waiting for them to understand
but will be there
standing next to you
all that time
waiting til lyou snap out
and are ready to walk again
jsut to be forgotten
by the kitty
that stands by you
it is only till they are gone
that one misses their company
of the kitty
the dangerous one
but the playful one

33. necklace

it was long ago
that I gained this necklace
with it
it reminds me of my yearn
of my sorrows
when I can no longer wear it
it still saddens me
for you see
when I hold it up
into the light
i remember
through the metal of it all
the time in Europe
the time together
how stupid I can be
and how loving you van be
how you want something more
I was the only nice girl to you
and it is sad
for me to even call myself that
but it is true
but it is this pendant
the nice weight of it
the only thing I have ever appriciated so much
for it holds kisses
of my sorrow
and it is the old times hat I remember
that i have nothing
at times
but beyond all
it reminds me of con
and all those times
that I have had fun
talking to random people
and it is only then
that I feel
that it was worth it all
to understand you
completely
even if all it did
was got me what I wanted
in the end
but the necklace
gives me the hope
that one day
I can walk on

76. the one

I still do not believe this argument
that there is only one
somewhere in the world
that will turn you over
and both of you
with just a glance
will love each other
I disagree with this all
for you see
it is that
when I am with someone
having a great time
and believe
that we will stay
I am in bliss
I know it
and it is nice
for you see
I would love to optimistic
but I really am not
when everything goes wrong
it is that time
that I need to be hit
over the head
and remember
that there are always
other in the sea
the fish one can easily catch
and it isn't one
but many
that I can get along with
and that is why i love it so dearly
the feeling
but it is the truth
that there isn't only one
and it isn't necessarily the childhood friend
but it can be anyone
a stranger
a person in college
a teacher assistant
a childhood friend
it can be any of those
that can be who we are with
and so
there is not just one
but many
who are compatible
but there is one
that you will someday
make a commitment to
in the end

9. raving

it is one of those things
I have always wanted to do
to sit in the dark
and stand up
with only as much light as I want around me
with what ever clothes in all black I want
twirling them all around
moving through it all
acting all odd
but having fun
it is that time
that I understand
that the music is decent
that everything that will come
will come
that I am to have fun
being who I can be
and as such
i wish I could
but in the end
it will always sit there
being a dream
of what I wish I could do
for in that dream
is a great fear
of losing myself
to some drug
and being out
stranded
hours later
blood soaked
and unable to control
my environment
around me