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Queen Demon
(^._.^)ノ
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12-26-2007, 05:49 AM
Ok , this is a small part of a story I wrote. Please feel free to judge it without offending me. Unless there is no other way :/ I hope you all judge this good.
Samantha and Chris were playing basketball in Samantha's yard. Samantha dribbled the basketball hard on the ground and she jumped up to dunk it. Samantha was much taller than Chris. Samantha's height gave her the ability to dunk the basketball. "How come I alway's beat you in basketball?" Samantha asked.
"Because your tall." Chris said.
"So what?"
"I can't gaurd a girl that tall."
"Yea , right Chris. You can go ahead and make up those excuse's of your's."
"Whatever."
Samantha dropped the basketball all the sudden "Oh my god...look!" she said. Chris turned around and seen a gaint moving truck and two car's behind it parking in the old Sander's house. Chris watched , he was amazed , they had'nt got neighbor's in a while. "Do you think we should go and welcome them to the neighbor hood?" asked Chris.
"I don't know..."
"Aw , come on!"
"Well..."
"Please!!!"
"I swear you act like a kid sometime's."
"Let's just go and say Hi or something!"
"Okay , Fine."
Samantha and Chris started walking down the dusty road. It was July 4th and very hot day. Samantha and Chris were sweating awfuly. Chris thought back to the time's he and Samantha had spent as a 2 year old , then a 6 year old , then a 11 year old , and then as a 16 year old. They had been friend's scince Kindergarden. They would have been friend's scince they were 2 year's old but Samantha smacked anyone who talked to her then. She had been a quite girl wen she was 2 year's old. Chris was the exact oppsite. When he was 2 year's old he talked way to much , which caused him to get smacked and told "Shut up!". Now everthing had changed. Today they were to met a Samantha and Chris were playing basketball in Samantha's front yard. Samantha had the basketball , she dribbled hard on the ground and jumped up for a dunk. Samantha new neighbor who would change thier life's. Forever.
I want to write more of this and stuff so please post and I will post more of my story. I hope you like the first of it!
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Roni
(-.-)zzZ
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12-26-2007, 12:14 PM
Hello! =) About needing improvement, I'm going to say yes it does need improvement, but don't feel bad about it. I generally make three or four drafts before I feel it's "book ready."
My biggest suggestion would be to get rid of the exact numbers. "6 feet and 9 inches" could be replaced with "much taller than Chris" and it wouldn't feel like you were just trying to shove all the information from Samantha's character sheet into your story.
By the way, was Samantha's height a typo? I had a teacher who was six feet, eight inches and he was an absolute giant. It's hard to imagine a girl being that tall. If her height wasn't a typo, did you do the proper research with heights? How common is it for women to get that tall? Did you factor in weight? She wouldn't be a bean pole at almost seven feet tall (not saying that she is, just reminding.)
"Shut up!!!". should be "Shut up!" Punctuation marks go inside quotation marks, and never outside. Also, as a general rule, more than one punctuation mark with the exception of maybe "..." looks a little gaudy.
I do like what you've done so far. Just double check all the little bitty grammar things and it'll look pretty good. =) I love how their personalities pop out right away. Samantha seems like a well grounded character with a bit of a teasing attitude and Chris seems like a good match for her with his antics. I'll be keeping an eye out for more of your story. =)
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Queen Demon
(^._.^)ノ
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12-26-2007, 05:51 PM
Thank you for helping me out :] I admit I was never that good in English but I love to write. About her height , she was alway's real tall but she just kept growning taller. I did'nt do the proper research with height's. I took my height and put it in Samantha's character. Yes , I know it is'nt often a women get's that tall but I did. I think I stopped growning now thought. I am 6 feet and 9 inches , I am a gaint but I am pretty skinny. Thank you for correcting my mistake's I will be sure to change them. Thanks! I will post more of my story later and hopefully I will get it right ^_^
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Queen Demon
(^._.^)ノ
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12-26-2007, 06:37 PM
Here is part of my story. Sorry it is a really big post thought.
Samantha and Chris stood at the Sander's house , but they just found out it was the Johnson's house now. Chris watched a boy around him and Samantha's age struggle to get a dark green couch up the step's "Do you think we should help him?" Samantha said to Chris. Chris nodded a little "You go ahead if you want too.I'm going to stay here." he said. Samantha opened the gate to the Johnson's house. She walked up to the boy who was struggling to get the couch up the step's. "Do you need any help?" she asked. The boy looked at her and said "No , I got it." Samantha sighed a little and she got the other end of the couch and helped him put the couch on the porch. "So , what's your name?" Samantha asked the quiet boy. "My name is Cody, Cody Johnson." he said. "Cool. My name is Samantha." she said. Samantha looked over at Chris and motioned him to come over there with them. Chris heistated but he came over anyway. "This is my friend Chris." Samantha said.
"Hey , my name is Cody."
"That's cool."
"Where do y'all live at?"
"Samantha live's over there" Chris pointed the the right. "I live over here." Chris then pointed to the left.
"So I live in the middle of y'all?"
"Yeah." Samantha said , coming into the conversation.
"Where are your parent's?" Chris asked Cody.
"They're in the house."
"Oh."
"Where are y'all's parent's?"
"My mom is at work." Samantha said.
"My mom is at my house and my dad is at work." Chris said.
"Where is your dad , Samantha."
Chris cough's and said "She does'nt like to talk about it."
"Can I speak for myself?"
"Do you want to tell him what happened with you dad?"
"No , not exactly." Samnatha said.
"Hey. I'm right here." Cody said.
"We see that."
"Well , your acting like you don't."
"Sorry." Chris said.
"Well , I have nothing more to carry in the house now. Do you all want to go to Mc' Donald's."
"Sure." Samantha and Chris said.
"Ok , I will go get my dirtbike." Cody said.
"Oh my gosh! You have a dirt bike? So do I!" Samantha said.
"Does he?" Cody asked , pointing at Chris.
"No , but he can ride on the back of mine."
"Ok." Cody said.
Samantha walked back toward her house , she was glad Cody did'nt question her about her riding a dirtbike. Most people thought girl's could'nt ride dirtbike's. She got on her dirtbike and started it up. She started to ride down the road again , she stopped when she reached Chris. "Get on the back." she said. Chris got on behind her and Cody was already on his dirtbike. Samantha , Cody , and Chris rode down the road.
Feel free to correct me on this part too ^__^
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