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Keita
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#1
Old 12-26-2007, 07:22 AM

Well I've been thinking, and I feel that I need more people's feelings on the first few chapters of my first novel. So if anyone is willing to read and tell me what you think, please do!

The thunder crashed, echoing across the dark cloudy sky. It was a night that not even the bravest creatures of the forest wanted to be out. The rain had been pouring for hours and the earth was slick with it.. Even the dirt roads leading to the small shipping village were dangerous to travel upon. It was the perfect night to travel if one didn’t want to be seen. A night almost unnatural in its stillness.

A group of several travelers were making their way through the waterlogged buildings. Each seemed to be hidden in a cloak just as dark and as wet as the night itself. Their feet clacked against the stone street as they walked. Clack clack clack. Only the rushing rain managed to dwarf the sound. Not even the oil lamps welcomed them, having been drown out hours ago. Only one continue to burn in the village, and that was where they were heading.

The small lantern illuminated the front of the building as they drew closer. It was one of the largest in the villages and obviously the oldest. The wood seemed slightly rotted , due to insects and the water damage of the sea itself. It looked as it had been a deep blue once, but now the color was faded and chipped in many places. The only part of the building that looked new was the sign that swung under the wind’s force.

Keita
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#2
Old 12-26-2007, 07:23 AM

“ Sea Soul’s Tavern…” A deep voice spoke, coming from what seemed to be the tallest of the hooded figures. “This the right place?”

“Seems to be. Come on, lets go.” A second voice spoke up, this time the voice had a soft feminine sound to it.

The smallest figure of the group grabbed the handle and pulled it open. The inside was vastly different from the cold old view that the outside had offered. It was a warm room filled with lantern light. In one corner, there was a fire crackling, offering its warmth and light to those in the building. Its glow reflected off the gleaming wooden floors. On the other side was a large bar with stools surrounding it. A few men seemed to be scattered around the room, holding large mugs of mead. Many looked old though and didn’t even raise their heads when the door opened.

Behind the bar stood a man who looked to be in his mid forties. He was a rugged man, with skin that was wind burned and leathery. His salt and pepper hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail. The shirt he wore seemed to be mended in places where normal wear and tear wouldn’t have caused holes.

Keita
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#3
Old 12-26-2007, 07:23 AM

“C’n I help ye, fellas?” His voice was rough as he spoke to the group. His onyx eyes seemed to bore into them, searching them. The smallest of the group walked forward a few steps and slowly pulled the hood off of her head.

“We are here to see the Weavers” The young woman said. The bartender looked straight at her, taking her in. She was a small woman, dwarfed by the others around her, but she was pretty. Long raven locks spilled out of her hood and onto her shoulders. The black cape covered what she wore, but the clanking of her footsteps made him think that she was wearing metal, armor most likely. His eyes moved up to her face. It was young, baring no lines of age, but a scar that slid down her right cheek. Her azure eyes stared back at him, waiting for an answer.

“The old ones are in the back… They have been waiting for someone. S’pose it must be you Li’l Lady. Knock three times and the door’ll open.”

Keita
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#4
Old 12-26-2007, 07:24 AM

The woman nodded and turned to the others, making a small motion with her hand. Most of those who came with her then removed their hoods and began to move into the bar, sitting at various places and relaxing. Only the one who had spoken earlier continued to stand next to her, his face still covered by a hood.

They walked to a door next to the bar and knocked. Tap Tap Tap. There was silence for a moment before a voice rang through the door
“Who be ye? Friend or foe?”

“Friend.” The woman shouted back. A few moments more and the sound of shuffling could be heard from the room inside. The woman waited as she heard several clacks and clangs of locks being undone. The door slid open enough to allow the two people in. They entered and the door was shut and locked right after them.

The room was a small storage area, filled with bottles of liquor and various nonperishable food items, salted meats and fish and grain in one corner. Crates were stacked everywhere. In the center was a small round table. There were several chairs, most of them filled with men who all seemed war torn and aged. Only three were filled by women.

Keita
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#5
Old 12-26-2007, 07:25 AM

There were the three women who sat across from the table and stared at her. They were hideous beings. Each seemed to be more ugly than the last. White hair that strung down their scalp in slick oily strands, grey eyes that seemed to be seeing and yet not, and faces that were wrinkled and scarred and were pitted in places that the woman hoped would never happen to her. They were the Weavers. Once proud beautiful women who had tried to tempt the gods themselves. The gods had grown angry at their attempts and cursed them. Forever stuck so hideous that no man would look at them again and forced do the gods bidding. They were there to give messages and share their visions, only to be freed of this world once the gods were done with them.

The young woman bent and kneeled before the three women, her head dipped down. Though they were being punished, the women were still messengers of the gods and had to be honored.

“Oh Weavers of Fate, I have come as called, please grant the gods wisdom upon me. Let me know what must be done.” He voice was soft, but held a tone of ceremony to it. The three hags looked down at her and nodded.

Keita
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#6
Old 12-26-2007, 07:25 AM

“The gods have seen you fit, Child once loved most by the them. They have watched you grow and are impressed. You have done what was needed. Now sit with us and we shall share with you the fate of all who sit before us.” The three spoke as one, their scratchy voices making a slight melody.

The woman nodded and stood once more, taking off her cloak and placing it next to the others. Once free from the protective scrap of clothing, the woman’s figure was visible. Indeed, she was wearing a beautiful set of white silver armor that seemed to be made specifically for her. At her side was a large gleaming sword, hidden away in a beautiful black, carved sheeth. The hilt seemed to be made of the same white silver metal and was shaped to look like a dragon with opened wings.

Behind her the one who had followed her in also removed his cloak, revealing an older male, taller than anyone else in the room. His face was hard and seemed to hold little joy for standing here. He ran his hand through his graying red hair and sighed. He wore armor similar to the woman’s, but the color was a dull grey, probably made from some form or iron or steel. He moved towards the table and waited for the woman to sit down before sitting himself.

Keita
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#7
Old 12-26-2007, 07:26 AM

“Now that everyone is here, old women. Tell us why you’ve called us to this little village in this gods forsaken storm. “ One of the men towards the woman’s left practically growled. The woman remembered him. A son of one of the former lords of the land. He seemed no older than sixteen, but already he was scarred and his once expensive silks were now dirty and worn.

The three women seemed unshaken by the rudeness of the young man and simply continued to watch the woman. They grey eyes following her every movement. After their continued silence, a few of the other males agreed with the man’s comment, adding their own.

“Why indeed have you called us, Weavers?”
“Is there news that will turn the battle to our side?”
“Do the gods finally favor us. Will we become victorious?”

Each man seemed to have their own comment to add. Only the woman and her companion remained silent. The hags waited for their words to cease before saying anything. Finally when all was quiet once more the tallest and the ugliest of the three spoke.

Keita
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#8
Old 12-26-2007, 07:27 AM

“Those who have seen more blood than man should see, listen to us speakers three. We come here with words of the gods who can everything see. The time has come for your fates to be. “

The second hag joined her voice with the first, Their voices becoming more solemn. Their eyes turning to the young man who had spoken up.

“Once spoiled child, now warrior man. Take your sword into your hand. Gather those who you know to be true to thee. Prepare yourselves for two years and twelve days, to fight the battle for which the power sways. Do not be tempted by the imposter king, or let your death knoll ring. Heed the words the weavers say and you will regain your honor and power one day.”

With each man, their comments were similar. They gave warnings of losses and advice that the others would need to properly decipher to become victorious. Their half rhymes keeping vague enough that they would not quite know what they had meant.

Keita
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#9
Old 12-26-2007, 07:28 AM

The woman listened to each world, determined to etch it into her memory. When messengers spoke, it was best to remember what was said. Her eyes scanned each of the men’s faces as they listened, waiting to see if anything stood out to her. Each man seemed to shift at what the women said. They seemed uncomfortable with the comments on failure if they were not careful. The woman sighed. For years she had fought along side these men, who claimed to be braver than all. Yet when one threat that the gods believe that they may fail, they would cower away and whimper. Her eyes turned up and meeted the milky color of the eldest of the three.

“Oh warrior girl are you ready to hear what must be done?” Her voice was softer and slightly warmer when she spoke to the woman, but still just as serious. The woman nodded as she looked at the three. She was ready to hear what the gods had for her now. The three now took hands and their eyes really did become unseeing. All three of their voices rang out as one once more.

“ O’ Woman once beloved most of all, by the ancient holy gods Heed the words we say, for they will shape your life this day. It is now the time for you to go across the ancient sea. The guardians of wind and water will guide your way, and help you keep the evil at bay. So find the one that should be king, keep and protect him underneath your wing. Together travel far and find those who are of your own holy kind. A thief, a priest, a fool and seers we, shall shape your path. Together you shall fight to the last. Two years twelve days must finally pass, before the fake king will breath his last. Then the true and final king will climb the throne with his rightful queen. Heed the words the Weaves say. Start your quest next dawning day.”

Keita
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#10
Old 12-26-2007, 07:28 AM

Their voices quieted and finally silenced reigned over the group. Each of them tried to take in the information. They looked at each other before looking at the woman, who seemed serious and in thought. Finally she spoke, standing as she did.

“Spread the word. We Have two years to prepare ourselves for battle. The resistance must be ready to take the palace back.” He tilted her head towards the three hags. “Thank you oh Weavers. We shall heed the words you speak, for the gods are with you.” He then turned to walk out of the room.

As if it were a sign, the other men stood and turn towards the hags repeating her words, before following her out of the door.

“Lady Keita! Wont you stop and have a drink with me… It is late and we have two years.” The young man before said as he caught up to the young woman. She looked at him for a moment before shaking her head.

“You heard the wise ones. My quest must be started at dawn. I need to prepare, now if you excuse me.” Her voice was soft, but held enough strength in it, that there was no room to argue. The male seemed slightly put out, but said nothing.

The man who had followed Keita into the room moved towards her side and looked down to her. “My Lady?” The woman looked up at him and smiled a little.

“Prepare a ship. We leave for Inaris at dawn. “


END CHAPTER 1

Keita
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#11
Old 12-26-2007, 07:29 AM

Ch 2 START

Rayne was dripping on the stone floor as he walked inside the blacksmith’s shop. The rain had been a constant companion to the small village for the last few weeks. There had never been such a storm before. The old healer woman of the village said it was a sign of change, that fate was about to play a game with someone. Rayne just thought that it was a sign that the river would be flooding.

The young man sighed as he wrung out his soaking wet shoulder length black hair. He was freezing and needed to dry off. He pulled off his dark green shirt and tossed it into a chair and moved to the center of the building. It was warm and glowed against his tanned torso, glisteing over the muscles that he had earned beating metal into submission over and over again each day. He was a strong young man, training to be a blacksmith under his father. He thought of the man and looked around.

The rain had made it difficult to work the metal and thus he had been left to his own devices each day. At first he had been grateful. The young man had gone into the forest and hunted. He had ran along the lake and trained until he was sure his sword would rust from the water. Yet now, he missed the conforting sound of the hammer striking the molten metal, molding it to what he desired.

Keita
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#12
Old 12-26-2007, 07:30 AM

“What are you doing in here lad? A group of the other boys are going to the forest to hunt elk.. Why don’t you join them?” He heard a deep gruff voice call out behind him. Rayne turned and faced his father and gave a soft grin. The man was a bear. He was a good head taller than anyone else in the village with dark brown hair that matched the bark of the trees in the forest and arms that seemed as large as many of them. His face was covered with a long bristly beard and there was a scar that went from one side of his face over to the other, crossing over his left eyes socket that was permanently sealed shut with a sunken eyelid.

“Just thought I would warm up a little and then head towards the bay. I hear there was a large ship that came in today. The old one said they had fresh apples on it. “ The older man smiled as he walked over and placed his large hand on the Rayne’s head and ruffled his hair as if the young man was still a small boy. Rayne frowned slightly and looked away. “I wish you wouldn’t do that Pa… I’ve passed my seventeenth summer. I am a man now.”

Keita
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#13
Old 12-26-2007, 07:30 AM

The elder man gave a deep barking laugh and smiled at him. “Well then if you are a man, lad. You best check with your mother if she wants anything from the bay before you go, or else you will get a man’s punishment from her.”

Rayne swallowed at the comment and quickly tossed his shirt back on before nodding to his father. If there was anything he wanted least of all, it would be to feel her mother’s wrath while she was pregnant. He walked out of the building and towards the edge of the village, where their house lay.

He walked up and moved his hand to push open the wide wooden door when it swung open and two matching faces looked up at him. “Brother! Play with us!” They shouted in unison. Rayne chuckled as he looked down at his two younger brothers. They looked nothing like him, with white blonde hair and deep green eyes, but he assumed that it was because they took after their mother and he resembled someone in his father’s family.

The two children grabbed onto his arms and pulled him in. “We’re playing royal knights again… be the king, pleaseeee.” The one on his left said. He wasn’t sure but he thought it was Kennith, or maybe it was Sebastion? He was always unsure when it came to the two. They were identical in everything, including how they spoke.

Keita
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#14
Old 12-26-2007, 07:31 AM

“I cant play with you today. I am going down to the bay to get some supplies. If you want I can see if I can sneak out another apple for the two of you to share.” The two boys looked as if they would ague about it until he made the suggestion of the fruit. They still looked sullen that he would not join in their game, but went ahead and ran back off to play some more without another comment.

As Rayne walked into the small house, he couldn’t help but feel the warmth of his family around him. They had lived here for as long as he could remember, far away from the wars that were being fought for the capital and country. They were happy and untouched by pain and strife. Many of the men his age had gone off to fight for either the kingdom or the rebellion, eager to prove themselves as great heros. Rayne though was content to stay and learn his father’s trade in the small village. He wanted no part of the battles and simply felt that he would swear his loyalty to whichever king was placed upon the throne. Being so far from the touch of said king made him uncaring who won and what they did.

Keita
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#15
Old 12-26-2007, 07:32 AM

The young man made his way through the hall and into his mother’s room where she was sewing in her chair by the fire. She was beautiful as the firelight played over he golden hair and large stomach. She glowed in the way that only a mother could. “hello ma’. How are you feeling today?”

The woman giggled softly as she looked up at him. “You and your father both worry too much. I am the same as yesterday. I’m hungry, I’m tired and my feet are still swollen. So in other words everything is fine.” She winked at Rayne before she attempted to stand. He was instantly at her side, helping her to her feet.

“What are you doing in here anyways my little Rain? Shouldn’t you be out and hunting with the other boys? Or maybe you’d like to play with your brothers?”

“Actually I was planning on going to the bay and seeing what the new ships brought in. Pa’ suggested that I see if there was anything you would like.” His mother looked at her after a moment and frowned, her face lining in concern. “ Bring me back a bottle of rose oil and nut milk. I have a feeling that I will need it soon… Be careful too. “

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#16
Old 12-26-2007, 07:33 AM

He smiled and nodded his head to his mother, and headed out of the forest and down to the bay.

Keita leaned against the railing of the ship alone. The storm had delayed them constantly on their voyage. The words from the old witches still played in his mind, Two years and twelve days. If she was not prepared by then, the rebellion would fail and the Archmage would keep his hold on the small country. She could not allow such things to happen. The gods had given her a quest and she had to complete if she were ever to find redemption for her transgressions.

As the small woman’s thoughts continued along that line, the waves seemed to churn more than usual and the wind blew harder and more fiercely. After a few moments the older man who seemed to be her constant companion came to her and smiled. “Calm down little flame. The wind howls and the water churns, but what I am most concerned about is you… what troubles you?” His voice was calm and his brown eyes warm as he looked at her with concern.

Keita sighed softly and looked up at him. “There are so many different ways that this could go wrong Tae. I don’t know if I am strong enough to do this. I am only one girl, I should be hiding away, marrying or praying to the gods. I should not be playing the great guardian of our last hope.”

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#17
Old 12-26-2007, 07:34 AM

Her voice was monotone, but her emerald eyes gave away her fear and uncertainty.

The older man grunted and placed his hand on her chin, lifting her face up to look at him. “You have been given this quest by the gods and you alone and no other can do it little flame. You have trained for this moment. Our people look to you to fulfill your duty. You are not a woman anymore, you are a warrior and nothing more. If you have learned anything in your time with me, it should be that. Once you take your sword in hand….”

“You are warrior and not man. Yes, I remember and I will live as you have taught me. I am nothing more than a tool of the gods.” She finished speaking as she saw the land in the distance. They would reach the dock within the hour and from there she would find him, their last hope, the crown prince Renalus Leonarde Dumare, the last of the royal blood line of the Dumare kingdom and rightful heir.


END CHAPTER 2

katyablue
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#18
Old 12-26-2007, 08:27 AM

it's pretty good, but remember -

things spoken need to be on a seperate line.

instead of this - "blahblah" stuff stuff stuff "blah blah."

it should be this -

"blah blah." stuff stuff stuff.

"blah blah"

or something to that extent. i give the story about a 8/10

good luck! :)

Smellerbee
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#19
Old 12-26-2007, 08:36 AM

Edit.

Last edited by Smellerbee; 12-04-2010 at 05:14 AM..

katyablue
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#20
Old 12-26-2007, 08:41 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by c0th
If the second "blah blah" is from the same person that said the first "blah blah" then it is okay to keep in the same line.
you have a point.

see, even i make mistakes while i try and correct someone.

i'm a genius >D

 


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