Thread Tools

fairie2002
(-.-)zzZ
336.07
fairie2002 is offline
 
#1
Old 01-13-2008, 02:39 PM

Here's my first poem, which is a bit Christmas-ish, but I still I like it. Anyway, I don't pretend to be an expert on poetry (far from it) so I'd appreciate any critiques. :]

I’m inside by the fire, overlooking the scene,
The star on top of the tree had a glistening sheen.
Bringing out the holiday spirit in every one of us, no matter how old.
Even if outside it was so very cold.
Max, the dog, was being held quite tight,
It was by my little sister, and he was trying to put up a fight.
He tried to shake her off, and squirmed as much as he could,
Finally, he made it out of her grasp for good.
However, he was catapulted into the air, flying for a moment before hitting the ground.
It caught the attention of all of us, as it had made quite a sound.
He yelped before trying to get up, only to run on the spot,
Then he made off like a bullet, unable to stop.
Crashing right into the tree, which made it shake.
It swayed and it bobbed, because of the quake.
It swung all the way onto one side, causing the ornaments to fall.
Crashing onto the ground were some of my mom’s favourite balls.
We watched and we blinked, looking over at one another.
Then there was a burst of laughter, which came from my father.
The tree was in shambles, and so were the presents.
But despite all of these events,
Our Christmas wasn’t ruined, we didn’t need very much. Just the warmth in our hearts, and the smiles on our faces. All that mattered was whom we were with,
Not the number of gifts.

dj-jezzi
(-.-)zzZ
98.89
Send a message via MSN to dj-jezzi
dj-jezzi is offline
 
#2
Old 01-13-2008, 05:22 PM

I'm not really an expert about poetry myself, but I really liked how the flow of your rhymes at the end of each line. The content of the poem was nice as well.

VampiressOfSeduction
:B
43.29
VampiressOfSeduction is offline
 
#3
Old 01-13-2008, 05:39 PM

It has potential :mrgreen:
But it does not flow well... :|
Try having the same number of syllables in each line
Or a set number per stanza :mrgreen:
Hope this helps :P

fairie2002
(-.-)zzZ
336.07
fairie2002 is offline
 
#4
Old 01-13-2008, 05:50 PM

Oh, thanks!

I do realize my meter is quite a bit off, but I haven't quite gotten the hang of it yet. I know I need to work on that, so I'm just sticking to just plain rhymes while I try and improve that. Anyway, here's another poem:

I long for the scent that I will bring me back to you,
or the colour of morning dew.
What I search for may not even exist,
not even in the coldest, snowy mist.
But I know that if I do not seek I cannot find,
and I will stay forever blind.
The path that I have been going down, I see no light at its end.
There is no one for me to meet, no one to befriend.
Is this the end, even though it never had a beginning?
Will I lose, or am I winning?
This unshakeable feeling, it’s a disease,
it’s toying with me, making me think it can put my mind at ease.
Even in the crowd I feel alone,
it doesn’t change that I’m a million miles away from home.
I’m walking around in circles, and my ending is long past due.
I can’t keep up this charade, it’s just a matter of Catch 22.
There is nothing, but just a shadow at my doorstep, trying to find me.
It follows after me, filled with glee.
I would be too,
if only I could find you.

VampiressOfSeduction
:B
43.29
VampiressOfSeduction is offline
 
#5
Old 01-13-2008, 06:11 PM

That one is better ^_^ But see comments

{I long for the scent that I will bring me back to you,
or the colour of morning dew.
What I search for may not even exist,
not even in the coldest, snowy mist.
But I know that if I do not seek I cannot find,
and I will stay forever blind.} (This part is GREAT, good length in syllables, it flows well...)


{The path that I have been going down, I see no light at its end.
There is no one for me to meet, no one to befriend.} (The first line is too long for one line, if i may suggest...

"The path that I have been going down,
*my mind is turning round and round
I see no light at its end
nor anyone to befriend."

SOmething along those lines
* i dont know specifically but something that rhymes with down)


{Is this the end, even though it never had a beginning?
Will I lose, or am I winning?
This unshakeable feeling, it’s a disease,
it’s toying with me, making me think it can put my mind at ease.
Even in the crowd I feel alone,
it doesn’t change that I’m a million miles away from home.
I’m walking around in circles, and my ending is long past due.
I can’t keep up this charade, it’s just a matter of Catch 22.
There is nothing, but just a shadow at my doorstep, trying to find me.
It follows after me, filled with glee.
I would be too,
if only I could find you.} (the words are great... but you have more than necessary to get the point across... which leads it into the "not flowing" catagory)

----------------------------------------------------------------
I hope it is helpful, and not hurtful...
and i hope you take it as constructive criticism... nothing more or less
PM me if you like ^_^

fairie2002
(-.-)zzZ
336.07
fairie2002 is offline
 
#6
Old 01-13-2008, 06:50 PM

Oooh, I like your suggestions for the path part. <3 -edits it in-

Ha, I just start writing and I can't seen to stop, and I know that's not a very good thing for poetry. [I'm more experienced at writing stories.] I'll try and see what I can cut out from that passage. :3

Thanks for your help!

VampiressOfSeduction
:B
43.29
VampiressOfSeduction is offline
 
#7
Old 01-13-2008, 08:34 PM

No problem dearie...
in fact you can feel free to ask my opinion about your future poems ^_^
I'd love to help <3

 


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 

 
Forum Jump

no new posts