Um. Not sure how to start, but here goes.

For several years now, I've had odd thoughts about myself and the way the world is. I'm really not sure how, when, or why they started, but they're there.

These thoughts include the feeling that I'm not quite as human as I look, that there's this 'dark core' inside of me, that I'm truly quite evil, even though everyone says otherwise. I can't bring myself to really like myself, though I do tend to have good days and weeks.

Those thoughts have quite often made me think of suicide. I've dreamed up quite a few ways of killing myself, but unlike most people seem to think...I don't want anyone to find me once I'm dead.

My family is quite poor, and since I'm about to turn 18, we're gonna lose a lot of money: the equivalent of at least most of our monthly grocery bill. My mom's working hard to try to graduate from college so we don't have to worry about this kinda thing, but...

If there's one less mouth to feed, life can only go better for my family, right?

Sorry if I've phrased all this oddly...I'm bad at explaining myself. Basically, I want to know: am I crazy?

i don't think you're crazy you just think of things that come in everyone's mind. But they don't say what they think. And it's okay to say these things it may sound weird but hey it makes you feel better!!

You are not crazy.
You just have a different view of the world because of your experience.

This 'dark core' almost sounds like you adopted a "dark" spirit a while back.
And it's been supplying you with these negative thoughts..
I bet it's the root of your negative energy and thinking habits.

You should start thinking about the future, what you want to become, what you expect yourself to be in 10 years, don't worry if your family will make it through because they will be just fine.

Everyone goes through little bumps in life.
Don't over react to small things and certainly don't accept those negative thoughts.
Only harm can come from them.

Because just think of this; If you do kill yourself, would it make matters better or worse?
You said you don't want anyone to know where you die.
So you would go missing in most people's eyes.
Your mom would panic and go into a huge depression, possibly even quit school, quit her job, and will focus every ounce in her body into finding you. Along with the rest of your family.

And once they find out that you died, their lives would be torn so much that it would never be normal ever again. Let alone good. They will never get of a depression, they will never be truly happy, hell some might even take their own lives because of it. They would give up the will to live.

So just know, only bad things can come from such negativity.

You're certainly not crazy, but I feel your logic is a bit skewed. I'm not arguing with your feelings of having a dark core. I mean to say your assumptions that your family would be better off without you; it's certainly not true. No mother would ever want their child dead in any shape or form, especially by their own hand.

As for having a dark core, who really knows? Yes, there are evil people in this world, but even evil people have families and people who love them. Remember that.

I don't think you are crazy.
I guess it is more of fear. You are obviously worried for your family because you love them so much. You would rather make yourself low rather than them. I guess you think they will be better off if you were not there anymore. (trust me, if you are gone, you will just make more tradgedy.) Just stay optimistic about the whole idea. Maybe try to find a job to help support your family too. Console it with your parents. ^_^.

You're not out of your mind; you're simply dealing with a stressful situation.

Have you thought about possibly finding a job or a hobby to work off some of your stress? Perhaps if you find something you're truly excellent at, you won't feel as bad about life in general.

If you're still in school, your counselor might be able to point you in the right direction.

Don't think your family problems are because of you being there because its not, try to work it out in your head that you are loved and wanted by your family no matter how they act around you. I think being different is good but perhaps you are depressed? perhaps seeing a doctor could help determine this? I have been diagnosed with depression and used to have thoughts like that as well but my medication has really helped me alot to cover that better. Other interests are a great idea if you can go and do them. I think you need to motivate yourself to become more active, I know its easier said than done but I always feel better after a walk. Also haveing someone you trust to talk to or writing in a journal will help as well because then your "thoughts" are out of your head then instead of being a constant reminder of whats going on

Suicide is not the answer. Honestly, I think that's the most selfish thing one can do to escape their problems. Why selfish? Because it will cause grief to those who are left behind. My parents always tells us that they don't care if we're poor or if our college education costs too much as long as none of us gets sick. My father even went so far as to tell my brother that as long as he doesn't do drugs even if he does poorly in school, it's alright.

I personally know of an indigent family, no steady source of income, too poor to even have their kids finish high school. Their eldest son had an accident, he was electrocuted while repairing the roof. To cut the story short, if he simply died, it would have cost the family considerably less than the sum total of the hospital bills, medicines and home care he needed to live. But no parent, had they been in the same situation, would even think of regretting fighting for their child's life.

I'm not judging you, as I don't even know you, I don't even know the real situation you're in...but while one is still lives, he/she can change things for the better, when one is dead, it's simply the end for this person, their loved ones left grieving. How is that ever a solution?

I think you probably have depression, a more.... extreme case. I have it too, but it gets worse then better... The only thing you can do is try your best to ignore it or get medication. But looking at your thing, I don't know if you could afford the medication, plus in some cases it could make it worse.

Maybe something in your childhood could have caused you to think this way, but you are human. Every human... thinks about killing themselves, it's he whole.. not doing it part that makes you more sane... perhaps..

I think that way a lot. .-.
It's natural I think.
There's a dark side to everyone no matter how you look at it.
You can spend a life time living in denial that you aren't mean/evil/dark in anyway.
But deep down there's a little evil in us all. P:

Edit: Also... the reason you think about the world differently is because you see the world for what it really is, and the people inside it.

Nope. You are not crazy.

I think you're just going through the :"How the heck am I going to deal with it!?" stage. lots of people go through that stage, so don't worry about it. I know you're trying your hardest to be helpful around the family, but yet you worry.

Just remember that your family is the only thing that will always be there when you need them, and let them know that you will always be there for them when they need you. Of course, there are some times when you just can't get through everything in time. I know life is just as unfair, but there are people in worse situations than you that have made it out okay.

I'm hoping that I've made a point to you, and I wish you luck~

Krystyne, I don't mean to put words in your mouth, but I think you're blaming yourself for your family's situation.

These feelings of being less than human, or evil, is a way of demonizing yourself, to attempt to rationalize you blaming yourself for your family not having much money. It makes it so much easier to contemplate killing yourself, for the greater good of your family, but really, all you're doing is lowering your self-esteem.

No human being is worthless, and no child is to blame for their parent's monetary situation. Taking your life will only make your parent's lives worse, because they won't understand why you'd have killed yourself, and then they would feel guilty if they realized you did it to help them pay the bills. Suicide is never the way to go, as every life is precious.

I hope you don't find this advice condescending in any way. As the song goes, look on the sunny side of the street. =)

yep, like she said. God never closes a door without opening a window. :D ( or was it the other way around...? )

I'm kind of in the same situation you're in also, so I'd understand. But remember that you're never alone. See, we're even helping you to prove it!

There's always unmentioned kindness in the world there to help you.