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Soko
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#1
Old 02-23-2008, 12:57 AM

This isn't really a wonderful title for it but I like the poem. I hope it doesn't take anyway from the idea. Anyway go on and read now, I love correction in grammar. Sometimes I have a lot mistakes...mainly typos but still. I probably need some commas.

What one sees inside the mirror never can compare,
to whom is seen outside the glass and the backward stare.
More life is in the expression of one the right way round,
and only then can one's true soul ever quite be found.

Never dare to think that reverse is better than the real,
for does a mirror ever know how you truly feel?
Within the eyes of one's love you stand a better chance,
to find out what the mirror fails to tell with every glance.

Burnt Biscuits
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#2
Old 02-23-2008, 05:03 AM

Your meter, or the rhthym of the poem is not consistant. Try reading it aloud to yourself and I think you'll see what I mean. The lines match eachother or the most part in couplets, I mean that there isn't consistencey throughout.

Try following a format, for example, five sylables, then seven, then five ect. is a common one.

The poem itself is very rough and needs a bit of revision of course, but you've got a very strong start and you're clearly talented.

I would avoid commony used topics, no matter how well done, they can only come across as cliche. Mirrors, love, roses, war, gardens, they're all so overused it's difficult to come up with anything original around them.

Soko
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#3
Old 02-23-2008, 05:44 AM

I'll take everything into consideration. It is actually kind of shameful to admit but I did try and use counts in fact every line has 13 syllables, or soI thought. This though must, sadly, not be true. I'm not sure how, since I couldn't get it right while I was trying, but I'm fix it up.

As for cliches, I'll try to resist my natural instinct to use them. (=.

 


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