
02-23-2008, 05:03 AM
Your meter, or the rhthym of the poem is not consistant. Try reading it aloud to yourself and I think you'll see what I mean. The lines match eachother or the most part in couplets, I mean that there isn't consistencey throughout.
Try following a format, for example, five sylables, then seven, then five ect. is a common one.
The poem itself is very rough and needs a bit of revision of course, but you've got a very strong start and you're clearly talented.
I would avoid commony used topics, no matter how well done, they can only come across as cliche. Mirrors, love, roses, war, gardens, they're all so overused it's difficult to come up with anything original around them.
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