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Music4Me
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#1
Old 02-27-2008, 02:18 AM

A.N: I would like to say that I am new to Menewsha, and that this is my first big work of original fiction. It is no where near finished. Please give constructive criticism.
Title: True Mates
Rating: PG-13 (this chapter G)


The moonlight filtered between the canopies, blankets of leaves high off the ground, casting mottled shadows across the forest floor. Each dull thud softened by the velvety ground brought me closer to some unknown destination. Each dull thud carried me to some mysterious place. Each dull thud made me more terrified to walk forward, emitting another dull thud. Growling encompassed me and I could make out large, furry masses surrounding me. Then, one clear voice rang through the silence, waking me up.

* * *


There was a persistent beep, annoying Alexis to no end. She opened her eyes, realizing she was not in the forest with someone talking in her head. There where no wolves or mysterious dates to meet, and certainly no dull thuds.

She let out a sigh of relief when she turned off the pestering clock. It read 6:15 a.m., such an un-godly time of morning to for teenagers to be waking up, Alexis thought. Never the less, she heaved her heavy body out of bed and to her closet. Neatly piled jeans laid on the shelves and shirts swung silently on the rack to the side. Alexis picked up the nearest jeans and looked at her hanging shirts. Although none called her by name, she chose a cyan tank top covered by a grey v-neck sweater.

Taking another glance at the clock, it read 6:21 a.m., as Alexis went to the bathroom. Unfortunately the door was already closed.

“Kris, open up,” Alexis groaned.

“I’m doing my hair,” a voice replied.

“I just need to brush my teeth,” Alexis volleyed.

“But I’m doing my hair,” the voice whined.

“Teeth,” Alexis nearly screamed.

The door opened to a normal bathroom, showing a countertop, long and wooden, with two sinks on the right. Above, an equally long mirror, or more like a foggy portal to Alexis, reflected the shower curtains and showerReflected was an average looking girl. Dark chocolate hair fell down her neck, with dark brown eyes, almost black at times. The only asset was her full –but not over done—curves, often covered by baggy clothing.

Within five minutes, Alexis accomplished what took Kris a half-hour. The kitchen was silent and the windows betrayed the unnatural nature of waking up too early. She took her favorite cereal and ate it in silence. The repetitive thudding came back and, for a second, she thought she heard a howl from a wolf. Reality struck when Alexis realized that Kris was running up stairs, howling about how her “book bag and purse mysteriously disappeared.”

She gave a sigh of relief and was able to go up stairs and threaten Kris to keep quiet. Upon her return to the kitchen, the clock shone 7:05 a.m. Great, school starts in a half-hour and miss beauty queen still isn’t ready, Alexis thought.

Every morning followed in this fashion. Not wanting to disappoint, Kris thundered down the stairs, grabbed a protein bar, and ran for the car. Silently sighing, Alexis followed and got in the driver’s seat. The ride to school was uneventful and depressing, complete with the overcast sky, grey blankets of winter pressing down on the landscape.

The public school in the area was the Cherry Grove High School Cougars. The school had been around since the 1920s and the voters liked it the way it was. Unfortunately, there where dark and unkempt corners in the school, off limits to all. Many school myths came from these corners, dark portals to forgotten corridors.

Kris quickly slammed the door shut, leaving Alexis by herself, just staring. The ancient brick foundation crumbled and led to a newer crumbling foundation. Students lingered on the steps, long and grey, talking about the highly anticipated basketball that night. Among the cheerleaders was Kris. She leaned on one of the large stone cougars that framed the front door, laughing like the rest of her friends. Cherry Grove was indeed the epitome of normal.

Alexis winced from the sudden pain in her head. It was a sudden buzzing, a mosquito in her head, clogging her every thought. With in seconds, it died down to a low radio-static sound. This wasn’t the first time to happen, but it always got more intense with each fit. To top it off, at the most bizarre times, she could hear a voice talking.

There was a pounding on the door that made Alexis turn sharply. A girl, tall and blonde, cast her worried blue-eyed gaze on her. She wore a dark blue shirt with a little baby chicken wearing glasses saying chicks rule and a pair of jeans.

“I’m fine, Teen. Just a headache, as usual,” Alexis replied after getting out of the car.

“I don’t get what’s so normal about a headache every morning since last month,” Tina shot back.

Alexis rolled her eyes. For the last week, Tina had been nagging her about this. The doctor she went to see said she was perfectly healthy, and dismissed it as premenstrual. Tina didn’t buy a word, but she couldn’t go against the doctor, Alexis, and her mom.

“Well, we better get in before old man Damon starts yelling about the first bell ringing,” Alexis sighed.

“Yeah, well, I have the feeling that today is going to be different. You know the basketball game tonight,” Tina chattered, “I bet what ever it is will happen there tonight.”

“Yeah, like we will be able to beat Ashland Academy, only the number one team ranked in state for their division,” Alexis snorted.

The only thing that bothered Alexis is that when Tina got her feeling, she was usually right. Usually, something life altering for someone happens, without fail, when she says it. Plus, Alexis had the exact same feeling herself.

Down the parking lot, a man, bald and short, started to yell at the lolly gaggers in the parking lot, encouraging them to go to class. He progressed slowly, as many kids where still at there cars, with ten minutes before first bell.

“Looks like he’s come early today,” Tina observed.

“Yes, yes it does,” Alexis slowly agreed. “Looks like it’s time to go in.”

With that, the two girls walked up towards the building. Large stone pillars stood on either side supporting a large stone engraved with Cherry Grove High. The school was bustling with people, busy before many woke up and had their coffee. No one could predict the events to come that night, no matter how life changing they would be.

JoieD
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#2
Old 02-27-2008, 03:54 AM

I really enjoyed the contrast between the dream and reality, and the way you played it up.

The description in the opening paragraph is nice

It seems a bit redundant to say that the thuds brought her to an "unknown location" and a mysterious place. Also, how does a growl encompass you?

You might hint at the physical description of characters as your tale unfolds, rather than saying straight out what people look like the moment you meet them. A great axiom to remember is "show don't tell," which basically means to reveal through action, rather than full-out description.

Watch out for tense changes!

You've left me with a lot of questions about these characters and what is going on, which is good, as this is only the beginning of the story. I hope to see some of the character's fleshed out, like who's this Damon?

Music4Me
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#3
Old 03-02-2008, 10:05 PM

Thank you for reading and putting in your opinion. I do know I need to work on tenses.

I am working on writing more, which I hope I will be able to do a lot of this week.

 


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