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Sparrow
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#1
Old 02-28-2008, 01:21 AM

If you think that a kiss is all in the lips
C'mon, you got it all wrong, man
And if you think that our dance was all in the hips
Oh well, then do the twist
If you think holding hands is all in the fingers
Grab hold of the soul where the memory lingers and
Make sure to never do it with the singer
'Cause he'll tell everyone in the world
What he was thinking about the girl

Intoxicate
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#2
Old 02-28-2008, 01:39 AM

A nice, light piece of poetry.
The second line just seems a bit off,
and the fourth line just bothers me.
Maybe a different title would suit this better.
Good job, though.

Sparrow
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#3
Old 02-28-2008, 02:10 AM

thanks for the constructive crtitcism. Some people don't fully understand or appreciate the heplfullness of constructive criticism so a appreciate you're honesty because I love it. this poem is in it's early stages not thoroughly finished yet and it's ideas like yours that help give me that outsiders POV that i need to find and fix any problems the poem has.

 


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