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Sparkles123
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#1
Old 03-03-2008, 02:19 AM

Roses are red
violets are blue
Love is true
and so are you.

Bullying is wrong
it is not right
always wonna fight
never know whats right.

Intoxicate
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#2
Old 03-03-2008, 02:31 AM

To be honest, it's not the best...

For the first one, using the roses and violets
phrase gets old fast.

For the second one, avoid using the same word
twice when you're trying to rhyme.
It's preferable that you spell words right
even when they're slang (wonna = wanna) and
you're better off using it's if you already
use 'wanna.'

Remember that I'm c+cing to help you, not to
insult you. I'm not trying to cause conflict.
Good luck with your writing. <3

Kyuuki
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#3
Old 03-03-2008, 06:17 AM

to be quite honest, I have to agree, it's not the best. it's banal and cliche, and if you plan on rehashing the "roses are red/violets are blue" at least keep with the consistent four syllable per line pattern. poetry is about more than just rhyming, it's about creating something that's got feeling and depth to it, about creating patterns. what you've written feels thrown together with little effort, a scribble of words to the painting polished poetry can be.

I'm not trying to be mean or insulting, I'm just telling the truth here. if you keep working you can create something much better. you just have to put effort into improving.

 


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