I'm so angry right now.

I'm getting married on May, and I have told my mother (who is paying for the wedding) MANY times that I want to have a small wedding, and me and my fiance have made a list of people who we'd like to invite (and some that we wouldn't really care to invite, but have to because they're close family.).
Now we are satisfied with the list, and everything has gone smoothly up until now.

Now my mother brings up this little suggestion of hers. She wants to invite ALL her siblings to the wedding. Sure, I understand that they are close to HER and I have to see them often too, they are nice people, I'm not denying that.. but I have to draw the line somewhere if I want a small wedding.
I was only going to invite one of my aunt who is the closest to me and the one that is my godfather.

IF we'd invite all her sibling, that would bring almost 20 guests more (because we can't leave the children out).
sure.. doesn't sound too bad, because not all of them will come anyway.

BUT. if we invite people from my family so much, shouldn't we invite people from the grooms family also?? isn't it going to look bad and be totally offensive to the grooms family if we don't invite people from there too??
I know my future mother-in-law has presented me many times how few family members they have in total, and wouldn't be a big number even if we did invite them all. I think she would be offensed.

Besides, I'm not inviting any of my cousins or aunts from my fathers side so.... this just feels so unfair.

Sure, lets just invite the whole god damn family from both sites, that's about 100 people! sure we can't leave anyone out *major rant*

I'm not happy about this at all, and I know my fiance is not going to be happy when I tell him :|

But my mom says it's incredible waste of money and space if we just invite under 50 people.. :roll: I have seen the place, there were 10 tables with 6 chairs each, and some extra tables and chairs too. It is not designed for a huge party!
and the rent is lower than the place my mom would have wanted >.>

arrrgh I'm so mad right now but I can't be mad at my mom because she's paying. :roll:

How should I convince her? Any advice? :/

I had a very small wedding myself. I actually only invited my parents, the grooms parents, and his little sister. Along with the best man and the brides maid. Very small indeed. I got yelled at for not letting everyone on his side of the family come. And I apologised to his family because I didn't let my four older brothers attend and the wedding was so soon that my own grandparents wouldn't be able to attend. So I didn't think it was fair to go inviting a whole spew of his friends and relatives and me not have anyone on my side. Not to mention we were married in a wedding commissioners house! >.> So yeah no room~ The nine of us barely fit as it was. Then the reception hall was small too and we said anyone could come to the reception. Looking back now I wish I had just recorded the damned wedding to get everyone off my back.
*end rant*
I guess that's not really the same, but all in all the bride and groom should have the last say in who all attends their most joyous of days. If you and your husband to be talk about it and don't want anyone else attending then you both should sit down with your Mom and express how you really feel about it. She will understand, I'm sure.
Also, don't let the fact that she is offerring to pay for everything give her the right to make all the final choices. That's too much power for a Mother to have on your wedding day.

Thank you Yotsy.. I try not the let the money issue affect me, but unfortunately my mom brings that up.. >.>

that's what I am a little afraid of too, that people will get offended when they are not invited.
but I think people should try to understand that weddings are expensive and we don't want to have a big wedding >.<

it is already decided that the ceremony will only hold maximum of 10 people and us, and the reception will be a bit bigger. our plan was 34 people and us.
I was happy with it, my fiance was happy with it, I THOUGHT my mom was happy with it too, but now she's bring up this..

and the fact that she wanted us to have the reception in even BIGGER place.. D: *sigh*

This really ruined my day, but I hope this wont ruin our wedding day.

Just tell your mom that you appreciate that she is paying for it and as her parents wanted her wedding day to be special it would be extra special for you and your fiance if the wedding was kept small.

Also if your mother is holding the fact that she is paying for it against you then just tell her right to her fact that its a low blow and the money isn't worth it if you really want a small wedding. :)

And on a side note maybe when you get upto the group photo of the wedding or reception you can then turn one of the picutres into a "Wish You Were Here" postcard and mail it to those who weren't able to attend.

I don't know any psychology, but maybe is it that your mom wasn't happy with the amount of guests at her wedding? I don't know what I'm talking about.

You do have a few options though.
you could invite everyone, not say anything, and be unhappy.
you could sit down and talk to her as her daughter, and as nicely as possible, tell her that as much as you love your family, including them in the ceremony would interfere with your desire to have a small wedding.
or you could get into a fight about it, but i doubt anyone wants that.

Your wedding is your day. And it is extremely generous for your mom to pay for it, and you obviously appreciate it. So you'll just have to let her know that you are grateful, but you still are going to have your wedding the way you and your fiance agreed on. I'm sure she will realize that it's important to plan your wedding the way you want to. No body wants to have to avoid the subject of weddings for the next 40 years because you're still arguing over who was invited to the wedding.
And you and your mom can probably find a solution to give you your small wedding, but also incorporate all the family. Maybe sending photos, or videos. And inviting everyone to a reception instead of the ceremony might work for your mom, but that could probably conflict with your small wedding.

But basically, you'll have to talk to her calmly.
Planning weddings is stressful, something that must be planned perfectly, and even if you have to be slightly aggressive, but polite, i'm sure you can get your mom to realize your wedding will happen the way you and your fiance have planned. [= and i wish you luck, and congratulations. =D

Firstly, congratulations!

Getting married was the best decision I ever made, and I'm sure it'll be the same for you!

I kind of had the opposite problem you do; my parents wanted it to be exactly how I wanted it, but my mother in law kept on trying to interfere; whether it was trying to tell me what kind of wedding dress I should get, to what the fabric bridesmaid dresses should be made from... she even went as far as inviting her whole church congregation (over 400 people) to our wedding service.

I think that the best thing you can do, is sit down with your mum, one on one, have a friendly chat for a while, then gradually introduce the subject.
It's only natural for her to want to invite all her siblings, but, as you said, where does it stop?

At the end of the day, you're her daughter, and she'll want you to be happy.
Just let her know all of your worries, and that you'd rather your wedding were more intimate.

She's your mum, and she probably knows you well, so I'm sure she would understand.

Maybe you could invite all the family to just the service, and not the reception afterwards?

That way, they can all see you in your pretty dress, your mum can show you off a bit, but you can also relax a bit more at the reception.

Yeah.. I will try to talk to her calmly.. she didn't answer my email though that I sent her about an hour ago or so.

I think she might be mad :/

I hope this wont ruin anything.. my mom takes offense really easily *sigh*

*edit*

@cherish, I was kinda hoping you'd answer here because I've seen you around and I knew you were married xP

it's a good idea that I'd invite all to the ceremony, but unfortunately, we're getting married at a place where there it isn't possible for that many people to witness the ceremony.. only 20 at most.

Originally Posted by Yotsy

I had a very small wedding myself. I actually only invited my parents, the grooms parents, and his little sister. Along with the best man and the brides maid. Very small indeed. I got yelled at for not letting everyone on his side of the family come. And I apologised to his family because I didn't let my four older brothers attend and the wedding was so soon that my own grandparents wouldn't be able to attend. So I didn't think it was fair to go inviting a whole spew of his friends and relatives and me not have anyone on my side. Not to mention we were married in a wedding commissioners house! >.> So yeah no room~ The nine of us barely fit as it was. Then the reception hall was small too and we said anyone could come to the reception. Looking back now I wish I had just recorded the damned wedding to get everyone off my back.
*end rant*
I guess that's not really the same, but all in all the bride and groom should have the last say in who all attends their most joyous of days. If you and your husband to be talk about it and don't want anyone else attending then you both should sit down with your Mom and express how you really feel about it. She will understand, I'm sure.
Also, don't let the fact that she is offerring to pay for everything give her the right to make all the final choices. That's too much power for a Mother to have on your wedding day.

That is the truth of it. It is your wedding, and she should respect your wishes. If she wants to have a fancy party for her family then she can do that any other day of the year. You only get one wedding and it should be how you want it to be.

I think you should just say to your mum that you wouldn't be happy at the wedding with all those extra people that you arn't close to. I mean its not your mothers day now is it? its your day, you should have the final say in who comes to your wedding. Its your celebration after all and she should think its a privelidge to be invited, and not that its a right just because she is your mother.

I hope things work out though between you and your mother as stresses and strains like those before weddings and big occasions arn't nice, I know, though I've never been to a wedding and have never been married myself just organizing big events is stressful and very taxing. I hope things get sorted out in time and that no one's feelings get too hurt in the process of it getting sorted out, just try to be diplomatic if you are able to and try to be honest as that might make your mum think clearer in her own head about the reasoning she is using to get her siblings into the wedding

she just called me and she's STILL very persistant about inviting all her siblings there! >.< I can't believe this!
I have told him no, I have tried to say it nice, I have tried to say it NOT nice,
but still.

she says it wouldn't be a big deal and "lets not decide yet" "we'll talk about this". :evil: I'm so angry!!!

It's my wedding and I don't care if it's "always been that way", I'm not like them and I will never be!
I refuse to feel like I don't want to be there in MY OWN F*CKING PARTY!!*is about to cry*

if your mom is hanging the money thing over your head and she offered/is willing to pay for it then shes trying to manipulate and guilt you and thats not nice at all.
It may be hard for her to get but its your wedding and you need to call the shots until she gets it. You can tell her you appreciate her wants but that its not what you want, and its your special day not hers. She should be more then willing to try and do whatever she can to make you happy :[
if she keeps it up I would just tell her shes not invited if she keeps it up.....but that may make more problems.....
but, I mean how many wedding days do most people get?
good luck! I hope it works out C:
<3

Oh, dear, Sagitar!

Does she know how much this whole thing is upsetting you?

I guess she does now because she called me and I was crying so.. >.<

but for now it seems like I have two options:

1)give up and invite all of my family... and probably feel very unhappy about it.
seriously, I don't want to be at my wedding and feel like I want to leave already
2)invite only the people we want but give up the reception place that we really liked! and go have the reception to someones house.. :roll: I doubt our friends would even come to the wedding if that's the case.

I'm so saddened by this..

Originally Posted by Sagitar

I guess she does now because she called me and I was crying so.. >.<

but for now it seems like I have two options:

1)give up and invite all of my family... and probably feel very unhappy about it.
seriously, I don't want to be at my wedding and feel like I want to leave already
2)invite only the people we want but give up the reception place that we really liked! and go have the reception to someones house.. :roll: I doubt our friends would even come to the wedding if that's the case.

I'm so saddened by this..

Did she actually give you that ultimatum? If she did I'd give up on her financial support. She shouldn't attach strings to her generosity, then it's no longer generosity but bribe money. It's just not right of her to do that!

I believe it should, ultimatly, be up to you. Your parents and his parents have a say - but it is YOUR wedding. You could just record it? Or tell them to get over it. My mom and stepdad got married when our cruise boat stopped at St. Thomas island in the Caribbean and it was them, myself and my two brothers, and the court clerks for witnesses. That was it. We told no one when the wedding was and told them all when we got back because people would have wanted them to have a big wedding - and neither wanted it.

Good lucK!

I think it's horrible when other people try to impose on someone's wedding ideal. A wedding is most importantly a special moment for the bride and groom. Personally I would just elope or something..but I don't know if that would be to drastic for you. But I think it's a good option if your mom keeps pushing only her wishes and not respecting yours.

I'm sorry to say this and I don't mean to come off sarcastic but your mom is truely an evil person if she is using the money against you.

I'm not sure how accutally possible this might be for you and your fiance but if I were you I would just hold up on the wedding until you guys could have the wedding where you want to and how you want to without having to depend financially on your mother. Don't give her the satisfaction of having the power to use it against you.

Also it seems like your mother is trying to live out some fantasy through your wedding. Call her on it.

well yes, that's the impression she gave me. I tried to reach my dad, and messaged him if he could pay half of the places rent, but he's yet to answer..

I don't think I can tick my mother off, we don't have that much money ourselves and we do want to have a party.. but small party!

eloping did cross my mind because of this, but I still want our friends to be there and have the wonderful day with us.

I just can't believe my mom is acting like this!

It's deeply unfair of your mother to hold this against you. I'd stick to your guns until she gets the message. It's YOUR day even if it is her money. Would she rather you be able to look back on the day and smile or look back on the day and have regrets?

I'd tell her that she could invite those sisters but I won't attend if she does.

I am trying... I hate my family being so stuck up and old fashioned >.< everything has to be SO formal and so blah blah blah. sure, they'd have fun in my party if I turned it into what they want, but what about the bride and groom? what about all the other young ones there? :| our friends, our sisters?

I got a reach of my dad, he agreed to pay half of the rent! and some of the food supply too ^^ yeii... unfortunately he was agreeing with mom that I should invite more people ... >.<

tell this is not HER wedding nor is Your wedding
the wedding is the Fiance and Your Wedding
and the only people who has any right to make those decisions are the Bride and Groom
if that doesn't work show her the place your holding the party with the person who your renting from so they can tell her how many people can fit in the room
and tell her the truth, if she is still stubborn, then cancel the wedding and save the money on your own!!!

she's seen the place.. she was with me to look at it for the first time.

I wont cancel the wedding because of her.
The wedding is about me and my fiances love <3 and no mother should come in between that.

i think if u really talk to your mom like and express how important it is to you and ur fiance that the wedding stays small. if she doesnt understand i'm not really sure what else to do. i understand that u dont want this and that u dont want to offend her but u are a grown woman and deserve to choose what goes on at your own wedding. good luck hun.

Originally Posted by Sagitar

she's seen the place.. she was with me to look at it for the first time.

I wont cancel the wedding because of her.
The wedding is about me and my fiances love <3 and no mother should come in between that.

No, cancelling the wedding can't be the right thinng to do.
Our wedding was fairly small (38 people) and fighting for it was totally worth it! We p*ssed off about 100 people that are related to my husband by not inviting them, but we didn't want to pay for them and we don't really have a lot of contact to them anyway.
My mom was horrible - she called me the day before my wedding to tell me that she wasn't comfortable with the sleeping arangements (she wanted the room my brother and his gf had), she CONSTANTLY wanted to change stuff and then she threatened not to show up - and she forgot to bring the flowers she promised (she only brought my flowers and forgot all the stuff for the tables and the cars).

But my wedding was a great experience - and that had nothing to do with the location, the weather, the flowers or anything else. I just decided that nothing (short of a meteor the size of texas) would be able to ruin this day for me.

Fight for what you want - but if it doesn't work out and you don't get what you want, try to still enjoy the day. My best friend had a huge wedding with 170 guests that she didn't really want, but we all (and most importantly the bride and groom) had a surprisingly good time.

If I ever get married, I doubt it would work out in my favor. I am a Pagan and by that I want a Pagan wedding but my boyfriend (who does not have a faith) would rather marry Christian so his parents can pay for it. Plus I am not even sure if people would respect by choice in marrying in a Pagan tradition, rather then a Christian or Catholic one. *sighs*

Anyway parents like to inforce their views with weddings. Never fun!! I know my mother would and it will totally piss me off. I suggest to invite who you want and don't care what others think besides you future hubby. :)