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Pearl
Toruk Makto
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03-29-2008, 02:14 PM
Quote:
A man (ETHAN) and his 18 year old son (JACK), dressed for hiking (with backpacks) come onto the stage. They both look worn out and frustrated.
JACK:
Moans.
Can we stop here for a minute?
He starts to take off his backpack.
ETHAN:
Struggling for breath, breathing heavily.
A rest? We’ve only just started! If I don’t need a rest you don’t either. You’re supposed to be young and fit.
JACK:
Drops his backpack to the floor.
We’ve done ten miles, mostly uphill. Are you telling me that’s nothing?
He stretches and walks forward two paces, gingerly.
I think I’ve got blisters.
He sits down on a rock and starts to untie his laces.
ETHAN:
Oh, for God’s sake…
JACK:
What? My feet hurt…
He takes off a boot and peels off a sock. Pause.
Ugh. It’s all pink and squishy.
He pokes his foot repeatedly, curiously.
ETHAN:
He puts down his backpack and gets a bottle of water and takes a drink.
Jack, c’mon, grow up and get moving. We’re almost there.
Pause
Stop prodding that thing.
JACK:
I can’t. It’s hypnotic.
He starts putting his sock and shoe back on.
I don’t think I can walk on this anymore.
ETHAN:
Are you kidding me? You can’t give up now, we’re almost half way. Besides, I’ve had way worse than blisters.
He sits down next to JACK.
JACK:
Yeah, those bees really had a go at you.
Pause.
Are you sure you’re alright?
ETHAN:
I’m fine.
Pause.
Didn’t really feel anything.
Pause.
I may be a bit sore.
JACK:
Mm? ‘Cause you were screaming pretty loudly.
ETHAN:
I was just alarmed… I mean, they gave me a bit of a shock. It didn’t hurt. Not much. Pause.
JACK:
I’ve never seen bees so mad before. They always seemed kinda friendly.
Pause.
Maybe it was your insect repellent.
ETHAN:
The repellent worked fine.
JACK:
Well they were pretty angry about something.
ETHAN:
I guess they were just surprised when I lunged at the hive.
JACK:
Fell, you mean. Whilst screaming.
ETHAN:
That’s not how it happened. Just leave it.
Long pause.
JACK:
What I don’t get is why you had to make your own bug repellent.
Pause.
I thought it was just a waste of time, chemicals and a bicycle pump but in hindsight I can also see that it can be highly dangerous.
ETHAN:
We don’t know that’s why they attacked.
Pause
Repeatedly.
JACK:
It may very well not be the case, but I don’t want you getting it anywhere near me. That skunk clearly felt the same way. He took one sniff of you and scarpered.
ETHAN:
Well, thanks very much.
He stands up.
Remind me to strike you off the will when we get home. I doubt you’re my biological son anyway.
JACK:
Well I’m not entirely convinced that half of my genetic material comes from a balding skunk with lousy navigational skills. You couldn’t even find a parking space. No wonder we’re lost.
ETHAN:
We’re not lost; you were the one holding the map sideways and directed me into that surprisingly deep stream.
JACK:
He snorts with laughter.
That was just funny.
ETHAN:
Yeah, well, I’m getting annoyed with your attitude. You think everything’s easy and that you can take me for granted all the time. You coasted through your A-levels but you can’t coast through this. I bet you that if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t make it out of this wilderness alive.
JACK:
Laughs.
Killed by what, badgers? They might give you trouble, but I don’t know anyone else who could be overcome by one of those oversized hamsters. If anything you need me. I’m the only one who can work the radio. And I got the cap off the Sunny D.
ETHAN:
I say we make this interesting.
JACK:
What, we each get an extra ration of travel sweets? Oh the excitement.
ETHAN:
Shut up. I say we split up, take different routes, and see who reaches the finish point at Cloister Ridge first.
JACK:
Stands up, takes a drink of water.
How much?
ETHAN:
Fifty quid.
JACK:
Okay then, dad. You’re on.
They shake hands.
Should we lay down any rules or something?
ETHAN:
What, and ruin the fun? See you in a few hours, loser.
Starts to walk offstage.
JACK:
Calls:
When you want rescuing, just use the walkie talkie.
He puts on his backpack.
ETHAN:
Same to you – I wouldn’t want my only son ravaged by bunny rabbits at the start of such a promising career of being a know-it-all.
JACK & ETHAN:
Both start walking offstage in different directions. They say under their breath:
Tit.
Both exit.
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Please try and read aloud and leave helpful comments. If you have a partner available, why not read the two roles?
: D I want to know how fluid it sounds.
I've posted this on two other sites already, left for twelve hours (during prime-time US chatting) and found no respsonses. Will Menewshans be the first to give me feedback? : DD
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Rainbows
Transcendental
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03-29-2008, 04:33 PM
@ [email protected] Whoa.
Pretty good, but the 'pause's are pretty excessive.. It'd be a bit more natural with just short pauses.. Not the way I've imagined a play pause to be.
Your characters are Father and Son, correct?
Their relationship seems fairly dysfunctional. xD By that I mean.. Very, very dysfunctional. . 3.;;
Other than that, it seems liquid when read o:
-confetti-
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Pearl
Toruk Makto
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03-29-2008, 05:03 PM
Thanks for your feedback. ^^
Okay, I'll have a read and cut out some pauses.
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Rainbows
Transcendental
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03-29-2008, 05:08 PM
-nods- No problem! It was fun to read. :3
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Pearl
Toruk Makto
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03-29-2008, 05:11 PM
Did you feel it was trying too hard to be funny?
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Rainbows
Transcendental
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03-29-2008, 05:15 PM
o .o
..It's supposed a comedy?
It felt.. Like Drama to me.
Well, it is funny in a natural kind of way, if your listener is perceptive. xD
The dialog is snippy in the modern-comedy kind of way, if you know what I mean. ^^'
..Wait.
Performance would be funny. xD Poking his foot.
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Pearl
Toruk Makto
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03-29-2008, 05:18 PM
Because I'm writing it as a result of this script writing class I took (10 sessions) and a couple of the scripts written will be chosen to be produced - with actors and a director O:
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Rainbows
Transcendental
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03-29-2008, 05:20 PM
D: That sounds awesome.. I hope you get picked. What's the rest of the plot supposed to be?
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Pearl
Toruk Makto
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03-29-2008, 05:23 PM
Well, basically, they split up and there will each have a scene when they're on their own, or perhaps I'll just give one of them a scene on their own.
They'll use the walkie talkie, and something terrible will happen to the other person, but you'll only hear one side of the conversation.
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Rainbows
Transcendental
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03-29-2008, 05:26 PM
D: Eek.
Suspenseful!
xD I wish I could see it live.
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Pearl
Toruk Makto
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03-29-2008, 05:27 PM
Well, I'm worried, because I'm reading it now and it doesn't seem funny anymore. Dx
It just seems lame.
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Rainbows
Transcendental
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03-29-2008, 05:29 PM
Not lame, just not comedy. X ,X
Also.. Sorry for leaving you here. D:
I have to go shower and go to Chuck E. Cheese. xD
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Pearl
Toruk Makto
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03-29-2008, 05:32 PM
But it's not a drama either Dx
What am I supposed to do now that it's changed genres? Dx
Okay, bye xD
-looks up Chuck E. Cheese on wikipedia- >.>;
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Rainbows
Transcendental
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03-30-2008, 02:51 AM
Just go with your flow. :3
Be above the classification of genre, just do your thannnggg! xD
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Pearl
Toruk Makto
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03-31-2008, 01:58 PM
xD Okay then, thanks.
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