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triforcer100
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#1
Old 04-08-2008, 07:40 PM

we just started poetry in school and i would like feed back from other people pefor i pass stuff in here are my first three poems.

Winter creeps
Silently by
To come and go
But half way thier
It smacks a glass wall.
Blowing, scraming, freezing the wall
Untill it breaks
And slips through the cracks.

Spring melts
Into view
As feet stick
And get sucked under.
As the shoes dry
The grass greens
And lost things reappear.

Summer smacks
You like a wave
Running apone the sand.
Washing away the sorrow of past
Only to make room
For more to come.

Kryztol Thorn
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#2
Old 04-09-2008, 08:19 AM

Aww. They are soooo sweet. Congrats!

A few tips -
there
along

I'm not quite sure what the 3rd and 4th lines mean in the Spring poem. Do you think you could clarify?

triforcer100
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#3
Old 04-10-2008, 12:00 AM

i was talking about the grass growing green after the snow melts and as the ground hardens it puches things up that you lost in the mud

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#4
Old 04-10-2008, 10:39 AM

Right. Ok. I understand now. thanks

triforcer100
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#5
Old 04-12-2008, 03:17 PM

so what about the rest?

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#6
Old 04-12-2008, 03:50 PM

The poems are good.

Winter - Nice, and it flows well.

Spring - Nice imagery and ideas and concepts.
Summer - maybe use a different word to 'smacks', you've used it in Winter. I like the phrase 'washing away the sorrow of the past'.

And I was thinking, what happened to Autumn?

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#7
Old 04-28-2008, 01:45 AM

I tried to post it bu tit was stuberen i will try again soon

 


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