So...about an hour ago, a little more, my dad came in to where I work...and informed me that my mom has cancer for the fourth time. He also told me that I wasn't supposed to know yet...but he didn't want me to come home to bad news. Why he thought working the last hour of my shift with this was better, I don't know...but I'm guessing it's the stress of it.

Somehow I KNEW something like this would happen. My last month and a half has been TOO perfect...I knew, I just KNEW something would go horribly wrong. And I was right. Murphy's Law never fails me. x_x

See...even though I've been through this THREE FUCKING TIMES already...I still don't know how to react. I mean...due to the above, I almost feel like it was MY FAULT. I know it wasn't...but still. It feels like it was.

But what's worse is that...I don't know. I don't feel as bad as I think I should. It's pretty common knowledge to those who know me that my mother and I...don't exactly have the best relationship. At the same time, I want to try and fix that while I can...but I don't even want to bother, because I no longer really feel anything positive for her but memories of who she USED to be before the FIRST time.

Every time this has happened, she's turned into less of a mother and more of a VEGETABLE - by choice. Every time, she's gotten the best treatment possible, but she doesn't even TRY to adapt to anything afterward. To put it in perspective, she's nearly 100 pounds lighter than me, but WORSE OFF for body composition...she has NO muscle because she never exercises, and she's 7 inches shorter than me. She wears the same size clothing as me, though, or sometimes a size larger. Aside from her height, she does have a moderately large frame, like me. If she lost her excess body fat, she would be severely underweight because of her near complete lack of muscle. She does not even try. She gets herself up to just below average strength for someone with her conditions in the summer, and then turns back into a vegetable again in the winter. Same things every day. When I try and get her to get out and do something fun and DIFFERENT, she insists she can't.

She's basically wasting her life because of this instead of trying to make the best of it. And it's only about to get worse. And what's more...once again, she's going to drag the entire family into her self-pitying mess.

I'm doing my best to keep my strong side in control. I'm HOPING that maybe if I show that side, it will inspire her to try and live again. But at this point, I doubt it. It hasn't worked so far...and I haven't even TRIED with her in "that state" again.

I don't want her to break me. I want to be able to help HER. I was finally starting to feel some hope, for the first time in eight years, that I might get my mother back if I just continued like I was...but that's not seeming so likely anymore. She's going to go into that state where she refuses all help, and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't even feel like it's worth trying. I know for an absolute fact that it will not work. If anything, it will break me...and I can't let that happen. I have too much to keep standing and moving toward...and for the first time, I really, fully REALIZE THAT.

I don't know what to say if she asks what she should do. There IS no right answer. In the past, I've tried EVERYTHING - I can't say "It would be selfish of me to try to decide for you," (what I really feel) because that sounds uncaring. I can't say "Do whatever you need to do to get rid of it," because THAT sounds selfish. I can't just say "I don't know," because...she'll pester me about it later.

And what's worse is that this is making me really worry about myself. This is, most likely, a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT cancer from her last ones - she's had three operations and six months of chemotherapy, for two already completely separate cancers, one of which came back after being caught VERY EARLY the first time. The chemotherapy should damn well have gotten it.

In the time between the first operation and now, I have been exposed to every single carcinogen she's been exposed to. And (OBVIOUSLY) I have the same family history as her...which is not good. Her mother died of lung cancer before I was born, both of her sisters have had cancer...I'm terrified, honestly. But insurance doesn't pay for preventative measures, and I'm poor as shit. I'm pretty much screwed in the future. That's all there is to it.

And again...I have to stress that I hate that I'm worrying so much about me. One part of me really hates myself for it. But...I can't worry for her anymore. I really feel like I can't.When she's in a GOOD mood, she's making immature and often painful little "jokes" that are anything but funny...and when she's in a bad mood, she actively tries to take everyone else down with her. She never tries to really enjoy herself...and she's not the person who was my mother when I was born. My mother is already dead, in a sense. I feel like I can't worry about someone who's already dead. And part of me feels like I SHOULDN'T care about this person who's taken over her body...and like I said, I hate myself for it.

I'm sorry this was a wall of text...but can you blame me? And...do you have any advice?

I feel rather selfish, but I must say this - she is absolutely NOT going to screw up the trip I've planned. I fucking NEED it at this point. But damn it, Murphy's Law has hit hard enough that I should be able to meet the person I'm going to see...and if so, that should be able to help me for a good, long time. But I don't know if even that will get me through this now.

Now I'm writing a letter to the person who got me through the last time...thanking him for that, among many other things I've wanted to say...and I'm working a little more on a song I've been writing...and that's helping now. But...I'm gonna need a lot more help, and SOON. My mom is going to "break the news" in the morning, I'm sure...thank god I'm good at acting.

Please...if you can, help me out. I really need it this time. T_T

I'm not sure exactly what advice to give you, but I can tell you that I don't blame you one bit for feeling the way you do. You said that you feel like you don't care, but it's clear that you do from what you wrote. It's hard when people who are friendly and easy to get along with get sick, but people forget that it's hard when it's someone who you don't get along with. I'm actually in a mildly similar situation right now. The grandma that I never really liked or respected has brain cancer and doesn't have long to live. It makes me feel really guilty for not liking her, but I'm trying to keep in mind that it's not like I didn't try to like her...and I think it's the same with you and your mom. And I think a lot of people feel the same way about some of their relatives...they love them, but they don't really like them.

If you want to say "it would be selfish of me to decide for you" when your mom asks you what to do, go ahead. It doesn't sound rude to me, especially because she knows from past experience what you want her to do. Or you could tell her one of the things that you want her to do, such as exercise without putting too much stock in it. That way you'll have told her, but you won't be quite as disappointed as you could be when she doesn't do it.

You are perfectly justified in worrying about yourself more, in fact you should. For one thing, you are supposed to be the kid in this situation even if that's not the way it usually works. Also, you have put a lot of energy into worrying about her in the past. It didn't do anything. But you said that you changed your attitude and stopped feeling depressed. If you might have the power to do that for yourself, it really makes sense that that's where your energy should go.

Lastly, [U]don't[/U ]miss the concert you're looking forward to. I don't even know you and I know that you really want to go because I've noticed you posting about it a lot. Are you worried that your mom will try to guilt you into staying? Sometimes when dealing with manipulative people, the best thing is to cut yourself off and not care too much what they're saying. That's another reason that I think you shouldn't feel guilty. Cutting yourself off emotionally from manipulative people is one of the smartest things you can do.

If you ever want to talk more in depth about it or just want to tell someone about your concert so that you can try to feel more excited about it, feel free to pm me. You seem like a really nice person that I can relate to in a lot of ways. (Eeek, sorry for writing a book).

...I think you just described it better than I ever could. I do care about her, because she's my mother...but at the same time I don't particularly like her because she's...not usually a very nice person. I'm sorry about what you're going through with your grandma...but I'm at least glad to know that someone understands. Thank you. :hug:

I am finally realizing that in things like this, I do have to be a little selfish...because if I can't take care of myself, we can just forget about taking care of anyone else. And if I can't take care of her because I'm not taking care of myself...well, that just makes the situation all that much worse, because I've left myself wide open for whatever she throws at me. Nope...can't do that anymore. Thank you for backing me up.

As for how the situation is now...she told me this morning, and so far she seems to be responding better to positive thinking than the last times...but I know better than to count on it staying that way. She was pretty positive about it the first time, too, and...ooh, boy. e_e Luckily, though, she's completely following her doctors' advice on what to do, and not consulting me or my father this time...possibly because she realizes that question is kinda cornering us into making asses of ourselves. >.<;

She's already trying to guilt me and my dad into fixing the roof...in a way that is, architecturally speaking, very dangerous if not impossible. But that's been her only major thing so far. I'm used to her getting into these states and getting mad at me or my dad for not being able to change the laws of physics, basically...luckily, I've managed to ignore it. Hopefully it'll stop when we do fix the roof...in the way that's POSSIBLE.

We have agreed that the concert plans are still in place; we're still doing everything exactly as planned, and she's going to see the oncologist afterward - she can't get an appointment before the 21st, anyway. And we have "agreed" to exercise more together...but since that one carries over to AFTER the treatments, I'm doubting she'll follow through. But if she does, I'll be pretty damn happy.

What's scaring me the most now, though, is that...unless I can move out and get to college SOON, I am officially her paid caregiver. She wants me working part-time, 20 hours a week at most so I can take care of her, and at a job where they'll understand if I have to run off...which is next to nonexistent in this town. She'll pay me, thankfully...but knowing her, she'll ALSO see this as an excuse to put me through hell and back. >.<;

My only other option that she'll allow (and actually prefer) is if I leave for college. I'm not financially ready to move out yet, and college paperwork hates my guts. The actual work is no problem, but every time I try to enroll/re-enroll...something gets screwed up in the paperwork and I miss the deadline as a result. >.<;

Luckily, I have several people who may end up as my roommates...so that will ease a little of the financial strain. I'm thinking now...I'll give this two weeks or so after the first treatment (probably surgery), and if it looks like it's gonna be as bad as any of the last times, I'm going to leave for college as soon as possible, whatever it takes. And in the meantime, I will have my music, I will have my computer, and I will have my guitar. That should be enough to block her out when I need to.

I wish I could be more helpful...but if I'm feeling like crap, I make crappy help. Hopefully she's figured this out by now and will try NOT to make me get all depressed again.

If I get like that again, I will hate myself. >.<;

I'm glad that you've decided that it's ok to look out for yourself first.

Are you in the US? You could apply for financial aid for college if your parents aren't too well off. I got a lot of money when I applied. It's really really easy too. I'm kicking myself for not finishing the application process the first year I went to college.

I'm trying to think of how you could make sure the paperwork is right. It sounds complicated. Is the college you want to go to nearby? I bet the counselors would be willing to help you fill it out if so. That way you could check out the campus while you're there too.