No one has to reply, 'nor read this. I just feel like typing it, and putting it out where people can see this. I really do hate to complain, I just wanna get this off my chest.

Okay, to be simple and blunt. Life sucks, it shits on you. Then comes back and shits on you some more. Now let me explain.

I am 17 years old, 18 in two months. And I just moved last year for the first time in my life. So I left my two best friends, and my two only friends. That was my junior year, thank god it is over but I STILL got next year.

The reason we moved is because money problems, obviously. So now I moved, an hour away. Too my grandmas house out in the country area, (Illinois) well my friends and I have been friends since second grade. Best friends, I am a loner. I only pick true friends. But now, even my true friends are splitting apart from me. I never cry, If I get hurt. I laugh. Don't ask me why. I laugh when I get hurt, it's a weird process I know.

Well, this year I've been crying a lot. Too myself, I feel like a child whining about this. But whatever, I'm losing my best friends. My best friend is hanging out with the wrong group of people. Stoner fucking preppy ass kids. And hes been getting anger problems. Got suspended for the first time in his life this year, except he got suspended 3 times this year.

I've been suspended before, and I got suspended 1 time this year because I obviously have anger problems. BUT even with anger problems. I will NEVER hit my best friend. EVER! But its different for my best friend. He was on my aim talking to my online friends, and he was flaming them just to be a nerd. And while we were flaming them, he got offended because I was coming up with ideas for him to say. And he fucking hit me! HE FUCKING HIT ME! And I froze up, and hes like FUCKING STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO. And he folded up his laptop and threw it on the ground. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. And I felt tears coming down. So I just got up and walked in the living room and layed down to go to bed. And my other best friend was in there not knowing what happened because he has focusing problems. And hes like STFU JOEY. I DONT FUCKING CARE ABOUT THE FUCKING GAME. Then he went outside. And I was in tears.

I know were splitting apart, he apologized. But were getting separated quickly. I love him like a brother, I will kill myself if I lose him. I mean, no I'm not gay. But hes been my only friend my entire life.

And this year, new school. Everyone. Why don't you talk? Why do you just go to class with your head down? Why do you only talk to a few people. BECAUSE I'M NERVOUS OKAY?!!?! I'M SHY! Shutup. Seriously.

No friends in this school, two friends in the school I've been in my entire life. I'm a loner. kthxbi.

Does this story get worst? Yes it does.

My sister. Shes really my half sister but shes been my role model my entire life. I barely got to see her, but shes never drank. Shes never smoke. She didn't even have a bf until she turned 21. She was my role model, because of my parents being alchoholics. Having the police at my door EVERY day. And me going to school being judged as the person with the crazy parents. No one looked at me for who I AM! but for who my parents are. And it sucks.

They smoke, they do drugs. I just don't know what. They smoked around me and my little siblings my entire life. Well my sister was the only one that didn't do all this. I wanted to be just like her. Then she got a boyfriend......shes crazy. She started to drink. Then after that I tried weed. Shes gotten crazy, DEMENTED crazy. The first day of spring break we went to go get my sister because apparently my sister and her bf got in a fight. When we got there she was demented. Like those crazy people you see on the show cops that been hyped up on drugs. Shes on the phone. STEVEEEEEEE! COME BACK! DONT LEAVE ME! And shes screaming this, so I ran up to her and she screamed. AHHHH while crying and screaming at the same time. She cut herself on her arm. I will fast forward this story, so we had to take her to the hospital because the cut was so bad. She needed about 15 stitches or something. It was bad. So thinking that was the worst the story was going to get.

It gets worst.

I spent the night a couple nights to make sure she would be okay. And this day she got in a fight again. And steve went to leave and nikki got on top of his car and started screaming and bashing on the window. ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE ME STEVE ARE YOU GOING TO FUCKING LEAVE ME! And she hit the windshield and busted it. And I'm trying to grab her and taker her off. Then I look in the corner of my eye and the cops were pulling up. And I'm like oh shit, nikki get the fuck off the car. Then the cop got out of his car and apparently another cop pulled up on the other side. And the one guy grabbed her and nikki was screaming and hitting and i'm thinking to myself. I'm going to help the cop get nikki settled down. So I right away grabbed nikki and started to walk were the cop was walking.

And everything just moved so quickly and it scared the shit out of me. The cop was like let go let go. And by the time I noticed all of this I'm being grabbed by another cop and it scared me. I have NEVER been in a situation like this. And I just started to burst out into tears. My heart was pounding and I was scared as all hell. And nikki was over there. STEVE ARE YOU GOING TO FUCKinG LEAVE ME!!!! And steve got out of the car and started yelling at the cop "YOUR GRABBING HER STITCHES LET GO OF HER FUCKING ARM."

They had to wrestler her on the ground and shes on the ground pulling her hair out. "GOD KILL ME NOW! GOD KILL ME NOW GOD KILL ME NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!" She looked like a demented druggy on cops. That was hyped up on pills or something, but she wasnt. Then she got taken to jail and I was crying so hard I couldnt breath. I had such a headache that day. Now I'm crying just thinking about it.

Then it just happened again recently. Actually, yesterday is recently.
Steve is a fucking bull shit of a boyfriend. He causes her to get like this. IF HE NEVER CAME IN HER LIFE SHE WOULDNT BE LIKE THIS. He fucked her up, shes demented because of HIM. He is a rude basterd and she wont leave him because she loves him. All he does is sit on the PS3 on COD4 telling her to shutup, wont help her take the laundry downstairs or anything. HES THE ONE WHO MADE HER LIKE THIS!

So what happened yesterday, okay. I'm a juggalo don't like it? Die.

So my parents never let me go to a concert in my life. But there was one yesterday right? And my dad said I could actually go, and I was hoping my friends would be able to go. Matt, the kid that slapped me said that he couldnt go but my sister and I think he just didnt want to go. And joey my other friend, we asked if he could go and they said yea. And we bought the tickets (4, for him, me, steve, and my sister)

Then he calls me and tells me he cant go because matt couldnt go. That hurt my feelings. And it makes me feel like I'm a bad influence, but I don't know what I do wrong. Because I remember one day his sister was like "my dad warned me about you." Warned you about me? What the fuck? But I thought she was just being a bitch, but now I'm believing her.

But anyways, so I spent my money on a ticket where they wont even go. And I was angered, and we bought it with my grandmas credit card. Then my mom got drunk again. What suprise, and she started hitting me and throwing shit. (She doesnt hit me abusive) so I picked her up and set her on the ground and held her there. And my dad has to work. So I'm stuck with her to watch like shes the child while my dads at work. I'm stuck there for two hours non stop holding her there until someone got there.

then my grandma got there, then my dad. Then I went outside and my dad was screaming. And dad told me he called my other half sister a nigger lover and said that the nigger kids werent allowed at our house.

Yes my nieces and nephews are half black. If you don't like it, eat a bullet. So at this time I'm like, what the fuck grandma? What the fuck? Thats my fucking sister, "well technicly shes your half sister" I DONT CARE SHES MY FUCKING SISTER! And shes like, and she loves niggers.

And at this time I said some shit FUCK YOU GRANDMA. FUCK YOU! THOSE ARE MY FUCKING NIECES AND NEPHEWS YOU DONT CALL THEM FUCKING NIGGERS.

Why would you call 5 year old kids niggers? Are you a moron?

Then she says to me "Well this is my house, and they're not allowed out here." and now we might be moving again but we might move to arkansas -_- So I'll be forever away from my friends.

Well after this I blanked out. My anger got to me. And next thing I know is that I'm down the driveway cussing at my grandma while she pulls out of the driveway crying. And my dad tells me, you shouldn't have said that. Thats your grandma. BUT! I don't know what I said.

I feel so bad, but I don't know what I said. So I was in tears for that. And I was in tears because I told my mom she was a drunken failure. And she has nothing ahead of her in life. So I got really rude and I felt so bad =[

Well then, it's friday i'm getting a little excited about the concert, my mom calls matt to ask for joeys number so she can call her parents and see why he cant go. And matt wouldnt give my mom his number.

So I know that he didnt want to go, and he didn't want joey to go.
so whatever right?

I get to go with my sister to the concert! yay, then I get the news that our tickets have been cancelled. My grandma after I cussed at her cancelled her credit card so the tickets didnt get accepted .BUT she still got charged $158 for them.

Then my dad calls my other grandma and orders new tickets. And she buys them and it costed $136 or something. Then the next day, saturday. Dad comes home and says steves car is broke. But I didn't think nothing of it. Then sunday came by I went there, and we went to go get the tickets from my grandma. Then my sisters car breaks down. And now the concert we cant make it too.

So we spent about $300 FOR NO REASON. And my sister got upset because steve didnt want to go anymore. Because she was looking forward to it, because it was my first concert. And then they started fighting and arguing again. And steve went walking.

And the demented psychotic sister came back IM DONE IM FUCKING DONE. She went in the other room and locked it while steve went walking off. And im like nikki stop it. Let me in, I just wanna talk to you. Come on and shes throwing shit, and theres a bunch of knives in there so I was afraid that she was going to cut herself. But then she came out of the room. I"M FUCKING DONE!!!!!!! Then she went running out after steve, then I went following.

And nikkis like STEVVVVVVVVVE STOP IT. FUCKING STOP! And shes screaming this like shes fucking possessed. And at this time i'm in tears and I'm running down. And the entire time were running people are staring.

And I'm like Nikki, come on he just need some time away. And steves like if you dont get her away from me I'm going to hit her. So I grabbed nikki and lifted her up and started walking her back and she started scratching my face.Then she went after steve and I called dad and judy. And then I was grabbing her, then my dad got there after we ran 6miles. I must have lost 20 pounds during that. And my dad pulls out in front and judy pulled out behind. And we all grabbed her and shes screaming. LET ME GO. HES LEAVING HES LEAVING!!!

And we had to pin her up against the car, and people are driving by staring. And we think we got her to calm down and Steve went out of sight then she flips out and goes to book for it. HES DISAPEARED!!! HES DISAPEARED!!!

I dont know what to think anymore. What has my sister turned into?
Why am I losing my friends.
Why does life shit on you?

Suicide isn't the only option, but it's an option. If I lose my best friend, I don't want to be here anymore. I'd rather rot in the ground.

I'm done now, just had to get some of my issues off of my chest. I can go on forever. I don't live a normal life. I'm a nerd.
I'm a loner.

The internet is me. My real life is hell.

P.S If anyone read all this. Your crazy. XD

I read this - so I'm crazy.
But even in your darkest hour - you deserve to be heard. So of course I read it <3

My brother went crazy after meeting my new next door neighbor back in 9th grade. He got into drugs and stealing and it was bad. Now he's in jail for drugs and won't be out for at least year. Sad thing - I'm happy about it. He NEEDS the time in jail. Maybe it will straighten him out.

I don't want you to give up on your sister like I did my brother - but there is only so much you can do. If she doesn't want to help herself - then she won't start getting any better.

Think about it though - you have to live with this crap - but when you're 18, if you want, you can move out. Maybe suggest to your sister that you can move in with her? That way you can keep an eye on her - but you can also get out of the house?

As for your friends. People change. I lost my best friends because we just...changed. One would get mad at me for getting a good grade or getting a solo in chorus. and she would ignore me for a couple weeks and then be my best friend again. and it was crazy and I would just let her abuse me like that. Until finally I just let her go. I told her I couldn't do this anymore. and we still talk from time to time - but we aren't friends anymore. and it was one of the smartest moves of my life. Honestly. I was very depressed for a while and having her out of my life helped me because she wasn't there always putting me down.

Especially if your friends are hitting you. Or making excuses not to even hang out with you anymore. It hurts, yes, but maybe try finding new friends at your new school? It's hard, I know. I'm shy too. But try talking to one person? Go sit down at a table at lunch and just say Hi.

I hope things start feeling better for you. <3 <3 <3 People love you. They just don't always express it.

Sounds like everyone is slowly turning insane and the stress is getting to you.

If you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me dude. =) Alright? Just to try and get some weight off your shoulders, I'll listen.

If anything else happens you can come tell me. =o

Originally Posted by Maria-Minamino

I read this - so I'm crazy.
But even in your darkest hour - you deserve to be heard. So of course I read it <3

My brother went crazy after meeting my new next door neighbor back in 9th grade. He got into drugs and stealing and it was bad. Now he's in jail for drugs and won't be out for at least year. Sad thing - I'm happy about it. He NEEDS the time in jail. Maybe it will straighten him out.

I don't want you to give up on your sister like I did my brother - but there is only so much you can do. If she doesn't want to help herself - then she won't start getting any better.

Think about it though - you have to live with this crap - but when you're 18, if you want, you can move out. Maybe suggest to your sister that you can move in with her? That way you can keep an eye on her - but you can also get out of the house?

As for your friends. People change. I lost my best friends because we just...changed. One would get mad at me for getting a good grade or getting a solo in chorus. and she would ignore me for a couple weeks and then be my best friend again. and it was crazy and I would just let her abuse me like that. Until finally I just let her go. I told her I couldn't do this anymore. and we still talk from time to time - but we aren't friends anymore. and it was one of the smartest moves of my life. Honestly. I was very depressed for a while and having her out of my life helped me because she wasn't there always putting me down.

Especially if your friends are hitting you. Or making excuses not to even hang out with you anymore. It hurts, yes, but maybe try finding new friends at your new school? It's hard, I know. I'm shy too. But try talking to one person? Go sit down at a table at lunch and just say Hi.

I hope things start feeling better for you. <3 <3 <3 People love you. They just don't always express it.

<3

My sister said she wants help, and shes going to counselors and shit. And it seems to be helping a little bit but not much. And I can't move out because I have one more school left because I got held back a year from being sick (appendix erupted) And my mom gets stupid and drunk, and I have to be the responsible one while my father is working. Wyiatt and Shianne, 13, and 8. Someone needs to be here for them. Ya know?

I mean I've talked to my sister about moving in with her. And she has said that she would let me. But when I talk to dad about it, he tells me I need to stay here and watch over the kids. And I DONT want to move in with her, because of her ignorant "boyfriend". With his bi-polar oh no one can beat me up attitude. I will end up hitting him, then getting my ass whooped because of his stupidness. I can't stand him. Litteraly, he took away my role model and changed her. I hate him, I mean hes a cool guy. But I hate him because the way he treats my sister and the way that he is SO fucking stuck up. Yeah it sucks.

P.S. Yeah I'm sorry about your brother; I hope he gets better and gets off those drugs. My uncle is the same way, and it really kills them slowly. I really pray for ya that he gets better. And sorry about your friends too. =[ I really beg to god that my friends don't split up completely but. What can ya do? Life shits on you, then comes back and shits on you some more. amirite?

P.S. ^.^ don't get me wrong, I do appreciate you reading this. ♥♥♥

Well I guess I'm crazy too, I actually read the entire thread.

I'm glad your sister wants help, because she seriously needs it! If she isn't on drugs when she gets like that about her boyfriend then she has some kind of mental illness (no offense, just literal terms here). My Dad pulls that stuff about leaving all the time as well, and really my Mom should just take him up on it and bail. Your sister should leave her boyfriend too, I mean if she's gotten like this because of that one guy, she needs to introspect and realize everything that's happened and get the hell away from that guy!

With your friends, it doesn't sound like they're friends anymore. A real friend doesn't hit you, or make excuses not to be around you. And you really deserve better. I know you are probably thinking "I can't make friends very well, what if I don't get anymore after this is over?" Well my parents are pretty psycho too, my Mom is manic depressive bipolar, my sister just got through a cutting phase, my Dad is an ex-alcoholic but still has huge anger issues, and our house is filthy because they don't want to pick up after themselves, so any friends I have can't see my house, and have to be friends for a long time before meeting my family. I'm also very shy, so I can see this from your point of view, because I've been through it, three times. I had a friend since 1st grade that hit and teased me for 8 years before I left her, and it ruined my life. A had a small group of friends that just slowly distanced when we all moved. And I had a large group of friends I just left because they're talking badly about me because they're all fighting and I won't pick a side. I still have 2 great friends that I made through all that. You need to either have a serious talk with these guys (doesn't sound like they'd pay attention, and care. May actually hurt you more because it sounds like they'd make bad comments), or start making new friends. If you think you're moving again to Arkansas, well start making friends where you are, and if you move do the same there. You aren't losing them because you moved, you're losing them because they don't want to try (it sounds like). Start talking to people around there, if they ask why you're quiet tell them that you're nervous about your new surroundings, and if they ask about you putting your head on your desk say you're tired. Get to know the people around you, and if they see something about your family, well just come out with it, that's how you find true friends, because they still like you no matter how your family is.

With your parents, I understand you wanting to protect your younger siblings (I'm staying to protect mine, but I'm the oldest so I don't have the point I'm about to bring up), why didn't your older sister stay for you and the other 2? It really isn't good for you to be around all that, especially through your senior year, and later college years. To be around for those siblings you'll need to stay until you're 28 (when the youngest is 18, if they don't have more). But I also see you can't move in with your sister. For your senior year, I completely understand staying, but in college, you could get a dorm room and get away from it all. Not saying go out of state or even the city (unless you move to a small place with no colleges). You could still talk to your siblings on the phone, and take them out places through your college years. And when you get your own place, let them know they could always stay with you when they need you. My parents only had 2 kids, me and my 14 year old sister. I only have 4 years to wait around here, and even that seems like it'll be hell for me. But with things like they are for you, it seems like 4 years with your family like that would be hell too, let alone 5 and 10. Just consider all your options before you make a complete final decision, and keep a close relationship with your younger siblings, I'm sure you don't want them to start drinking and smoking as well.

My sister didn't stay too watch over us, because she didn't live with us. She's my half sister, so I am the oldest of full brothers and sisters. *nod*

Yeah but you know, I love my friends to death. Because I've known them for years among years, and it wasnt no kiddy kid friendship. It was a friendship were we stayed at each others houses nearly EVERY day. Every day I would be at his house, or he would be at my house.

For my nervousness, my nervousness is extreme. I am the MOST anti social kid ever. I'm scared of the mall for crying out loud. lol

Yeah my house is messy too, my parents smoke around my friends. So I don't want people to come over to my house either. But I'm lazy too so I only clean up after myself when matt and joey do come over. And then I got a HUGE mess to clean up.

Yeah I know; I want to stay and watch over my siblings. But I gotta move on to college after a year, so I really can't. So I can get a good job and be the first successful person in my entire family.

Anyways, short reply for me I'm going over to Matts house now.
If he hits me again; i'm just gunna walk out of the house. Walk the 30 somethin miles home, and see were life leads on there.

We'll see We'll see. ♥

It's admirable that you wish to stay and protect your younger siblings. But you know - if you ever need an escape - go stay with your sister for a day or two. At least you'll have a place to stay if it gets bad and you are still at home for school and for your siblings. And about college - if you need to - maybe go to community college for a couple years?

And about your friends - if they are your true friends - they'll get over whatever is bothering them. And if it keeps up - perhaps talk to them about it? Maybe you guys can work it out!

i was in the same position, about the moving thing, just before my freshman year. I hated it, it was total hell. I left my group of friends and left everything i knew to go to a lonesome, small town in freaking Pennsylvania. All places to be! i went from a complete city to a small town, yeah, well anyways, this isnt about it. I didnt read the entire thing so please dont be mad, i just dont have the attention span.

I know how ya feel, i got completely addicted to the internet and actually had more friends on there than i did in reality.
Dont get too hooked, cuz dude, i started to cut myself and nearly did kill msyelf because i wanted my internet reality to be the one i lived everyday.

I guess I'm crazy. o.0
That's insane, all the things you have gone through.
I am a shy person too, but on the internet, I'm not really. It's much easier to type then to talk...
I had the same friends basically all my middle school and high school years, because i was afraid to talk to new people. if my friends made new friends then I would talk to them too, so that's how I made new friends. Maybe your friends and their friends should hang out?

Hopefully that helped a bit. The internet is full of helpful people here so you might find your answers here. =]

Maybe, er, well this might be far fetched. nevermind.
I hope things turn out for you.

The only thing I really have to say right now is this. Yes, it is hard when you have only a couple of friends and things start to change. However, many times, the changes, after all is said and done can bring you closer. Your friends may look back and say "thanks for sticking by me the whole time. Even when you moved, I could always count on you." As for making new friends....I have the same problem, but the difference is, I'm 25 and have moved about fifty times. When I was younger my views on making friends was more like, what's the point....We're just gonna move again in a few months. Even now, it's hard for me to make friends, because I still move around a lot. I have family spread out and am always moving around to be there to help them when they need it. I have a few friends now, but they are all online, and I've only met one in real life. I have found that often it's easier to be friends with people online then in real life, because when you need to talk to some one about something going on in your life, its sometimes easier to talk to some one that you've never personally met face to face.
As for your family, I'm sorry so much is going on there. I grew up with abusive, alcoholic druggie parents. (Hence why we moved a lot...One of them would get into some trouble, legal or otherwise, and we'd just move somewhere else.) Lucky for me, I was an only child and was able to strike out on my own when I turned sixteen with out having to worry about anyone else being hurt. Now, nine years after I left home, my mother has straightened herself out, and we are starting to repair our relationship. As for my father....well, he's finally in prison, and in about three years he's up for parole. I can only hope that he has learned his lesson. All I can say is that even though it is hard carrying so much responsibility at such a young age, your siblings will always remember who was there for them, and will thank you for it.

Stay strong, and look to the future, all will get better in time, as long as you work towards it.

If you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to pm me.