[COLOR=#cc8715][I]KN'S PERSONAL LOG, STARDATE 89607.19[/I]

I know I've not been writing. I thought I'd write now, since it's the 31st, at the end of January. I don't have much to write about atm, as I am very tired. I have not slept yet, and it will be daylight soon. My DA is slow in progress. I am still working on those two dragons from time to time, but they are almost complete. My DC is coming together, I have finally achieved over 50 dragons for the bronze medal. To get silver, I have decided to attempt to collect every species of the more common dragons, preferably a male and female of each. My RL has been somewhat more active and busy. I try to get out a little more.

The other night I had a revelation, so to speak, about my depression. i have never written about my clinical depression here, but that is irrelevant. I doubt anyone reads my blogs. But for me, my depression is an endless pool of sadness. I know only a part of where this emotional pain comes from. Often, I drown in this overwhelming sadness without the slightest idea of why I feel this way. Other times I do know exactly why, and it's easier to deal with. And as for my revelation, I found another source of this sadness, a source I hadn't recognized. Perhaps I subconsciously refused to admit such a thing, but it is something I never thought would ever apply to me. [I]I am afraid of dying alone.[/I] I am afraid that I will be alone until I grow old and bat-shit crazy, the crazy cat-lady. I'm sure this is a common fear, but if you knew me personally, this is not something I would have feared in the past. Now that I realize this fear, I know the source. I had a lonely childhood. I have been in 40+ foster homes and placements over my lifetime. I aged out when I turned 18. My average stay in one home was 3 months. I can count the good homes on one hand. Out of forty. Suffice it to say, I adapted. I would make friends, but rarely close ones. And I never was allowed to keep in touch with anyone when I moved. Eventually, I stopped making friends. I became withdrawn and extremely anti-social. I grew to love the solitude. I was more than the average delinquent. I also had major psychological problems. I never went to a real high school because I was locked up for majority of those 4 years. In those four years, the solitude became an emptiness that echoed too loudly when I cried. I almost lost myself then. I was so ready to disappear into my dreams, that they became daydreams. I almost didn't snap out of it. I became institutionalized. But I had to. When I got released, I got my GED instead of a High School diploma.. Granted, I got my GED the same time I would have graduated with my year. Anyway, off topic. My childhood was crap. I am partially sociopathic, but I can experience emotions like happiness and sadness, as well as anger. But it is almost always in a detached way. I know there are many situations where logically I know I should feel a certain emotion, but I don't. So I look around at how the people around me are acting, and I mimic their behavior. It is a natural habit I have, it helps me blend in. In a way I cling to my depression, hold it close to my heart so that it may find me. That way I know if I can feel that, then I can feel. If there is sadness, happiness exists on the other side of that coin. I'm only wondering if it is safe to feel too happy, because I know it would be ripped away from me on a whim, leaving me in my turmoil with new wounds to lick.
I am still institutionalized in a way. It's been two years, but I still cannot function like the rest of the world.

Anyway, these are my thoughts. Goodnight (morning) for me.

[RIGHT]~KN [I]OUT[/I] =/\=[/RIGHT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#cc8715][I]KN'S PERSONAL LOG, STARDATE 65518.4[/I]

Ugh, got to start getting ready soon... *yawn*
Btw, I doubt anyone actually reads these, or all of these, but I'm posting a link to my [URL="http://kuraikuroneko.deviantart.com/journal/"]DA Journal[/URL]. I have been debating with myself whether or not I should move my entries there, since I don't seem to get much gold here for blogging like I used to. I might balance it out (write in one or the other, or write about more widespread things there, and my daily life here). If I can commit, I will do that. Writing a journal has indeed been extremely... relieving. I make myself remember my daily events, no matter how uneventful. I'm sure to include almost evrything. That way, if someone asks me soething, I can look back and say 'I did that on this date', which I usually could never say, due to my short-term memory loss. Anyway, I'm going to work on more art for my DA, as well as the same thing for that friend I told you about, their sig. Farewell until next time.

[RIGHT]~KN [I]OUT[/I] =/\=[/RIGHT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#cc8715][I]KN'S PERSONAL LOG, STARDATE 65512[/I]

Read then clickey if you please:
[URL="http://sopastrike.com/strike"]I have been noticing an increase in SOPA and PIPA website modifications displaying protest and opposition. I am hopeful that it does not pass. I do not support SOPA or PIPA. I've been asked if there is a petition or a way to oppose SOPA. I have found several ways of opposing this, but this one seems the simplest, compared to the other site that give you individual emails to send a protest to, which is a very long list. I am too lazy to do this, so this is a link to simplify this protest. Please Act! D:[/URL]

Anyway, yet again I am writing in the AM, but I am writing for the 16th. 'Today' I woke up at 9am (again), then went to that meeting out of town I mentioned. Had a Chinese lunch of WonTon soup and tea, one of my favorite meals by far. Headed home and bought two gallons of water on my way there (both of which I had to carry uphill to the house from the store). Got home, did my thing. Then turned on the computer, as my phone and iPod were dying. Fiddled around on my iPod and computer. Throughout the day, the number of websites protesting this bill has increased to a level enough to be annoying. It's more than a few sites, now. Google is a good example of a larger site. Dragoncave.
And More: [IMG]http://i.imgur.com/IoQy9.jpg[/IMG]
Anyway, I shall be going now. Goodnight.

[RIGHT]~KN [I]OUT[/I] =/\=[/RIGHT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#cc8715][I]KN'S PERSONAL LOG, STARDATE 65509.[/I]

SSDD. Hung out and watched more Star Trek VOY, due to the fact my boyfriend had no work because of supposed holiday. At about 4pm, we went to do some errands. Check the post office, then to the mall for GameStop. Got two games for the PS3. Then to the cigarette shop to get a carton. Then to Walmart for groceries and other much needed items. Then off to home. Tomorrow its outa town for a meeting... gotta wake up a 9 again. :/ I didn't actually sleep until 5am this morning, and I woke up at 9am. Not my usual sleep hours, so I am very tired. I expect to settle down for sleep soon, so I bid thee a good-night.

[RIGHT]~KN [I]OUT[/I] =/\=[/RIGHT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#cc8715][I]KN'S PERSONAL LOG, STARDATE 65506.7.[/I]

Not too much to write about for today. Well, technically yesterday, it is now the a.m. already... Watching Star Trek Voyager and drawing. Anyway, today we woke up and watched Star Trek Voyager. After that, we went to get some breakfast, which consisted of Slurpee's and musubi's. Then off to Ross in Chinatown to get sheets and some much needed clothing items. Then back home to watch more Star Trek and to resume more drawing. I would say that it's been a Star Trek marathon day. Still watching...
Eventually I will tire and then retire. Until then, I bid thee a good-night.


[RIGHT]~KN [I]OUT[/I] =/\=[/RIGHT][/COLOR]