Ever So Pensive

I've had some things bothering me lately that I thought I might as well write out somewhere. I have a Livejournal, but too many people I know will see anything I write there. And my boyfriend doesn't understand why I think about things like this so often when it's all in the past. But I do.... so somewhere to vent might be nice.

I think a lot about my past decisions and relationships.. and think about how it all ended up now. Romantic relationships.. friendships... it's all just so fragile for me. And I kinda hate it.

Take my so-called friends. I haven't talked to any of them in over a month now... haven't seen them for even more months. We were so tight and close in middle school.. from the first day I transfered and I met them all. And even through high school we were inseperable. But then we all went to college and even though we were in the same school.. somehow they all grew closer... without me. I was really involved with the anime club and running it... and loving my classes. But I hate what it did for our friendship sometimes. We're almost total strangers now and even when I try to contact them, I get the sense that they wish I hadn't. Yay!!

And then there's all the past relationships. Sometime I feel like I was just the example for what a bad girlfriend looks like. The first guy I dated was too clingy and obssessive but when we broke up he took all my newfound college friends with him. And he loved to tell me how awesome this girl he started going out with was. And how amazing she was in bed and everything. Great way to end a first relationship. We don't talk anymore. And then the second guy I fooled around with for a while who said he wasn't ready for a relationship but then found a girlfriend who he's been with for 2 years now right after I gave up asking him.

And then we have J. We went out for a year and a bit and were fast friends. And then it all fell apart and I broke it off. We were going to stay friends, but then he found another girl and all but disappeared from my life. Oh.. but not before telling me how amazingly awesome she is. And how she's half-Japanese. And we haven't talked in months now and I still miss how we would chat about random stuff on AIM.

I've never been happier being in the relationship I'm in now. But sometimes I feel like that's all I have. Sometimes I wish that people would just straight-up say if they don't want to talk to you anymore. Then I wouldn't be constantly guessing...