Okay so I'm going to be going to school in the summer and I'm a little nervous about it. I mean I've already got work and stuff, I don't know if I'll be able to handle work. T_T I'm really scared about it.

I'm hardly able to sing onto Menewsha because of everything do, school would just add more problems to it all. I've made so many good friends here I'm not sure I'm ready to give it up. I really like it here and I'm not willing to give it up. But with school I don't see how it'll be possible to stay.

Ugh...if I though my life was confusing before...this just makes it's worse. How could I be able to find time for it all!? Damn it! I'm really getting pissed off at the idea of not being able to keep in touch with my friends. T-T

I shall quote my lovely Peaches, "BAH!!!"

lol okay...well...because I live with my grandmother now, I've been finding it kind of difficult to..."relieve myself" o_o'

[B]Stop readding if you don't talk about a gay man's sex life.[/B]

I just can't have a 'normal' sex life as long as I live here, but I have to stay. She needs care and I'm not sending her away for it. I'd rather take care of her. But I just can't have the same life as before.

Things that I used to do are not longer the same. My life, and sex life, have changed since I've started living here...and it's killing me! T_T

She's okay with me being gay, but I wouldn't want to disrespect her by having sex in her home. I also can't seem to bring myself...to...self gratify...gah...I think I'm blushing now. I shall go...

I miss you penis...</3
XD

Okay I'd like to thank those of you who read and commented on my last entry. It was very helpful reading your words <3

Now on to other things. People, not just from this site, have been encouaging me to do many things lately. I want to go to school, but I don't know for what, but my friends tell me that I should just go and see what I like. I don't wanna start something as important as school without knowing what I'm doing, but they don't seem to get that. T_T I wanna know not only who I am, but what I want before I start doing anything.

Another thing is that they are all telling me that everything is fine and that life is just guiding me along. Even though I feel that things are falling apart. I'm glad that they are supporting me, but I don't want them lying to me. If they think my life is going to hell in a hand-basket then they should tell me, not just take my hand and pretend everything is okay. They don't seem to get it though.

I've also seem to be making a lot of friends online lately. It's great and I'm glad, but...I seem to be the one helping others out. When I'm talking online it's like I'm not me anymore. It's like, "Hey they don't know the missery in my life, so I can just be happy and pretend everything is okay." But that's exactly what I don't want. So why do I act like that online?

Life is just so confusing.

BLAH! Okay so like everything right now is a total mess. I mean there isn't anything to do right now that I'm not sure I'll screw up one hundred percent. *sigh* I just wish that I could figure out what's going on so that I can make it right.

Friends isn't the problem this time...(it usually is)
At the moment my only problem is my family. It seems like they have a problem with everything I do. T_T I don't know what to do about it either. I mean it's not my fault I'm gay! And it's not my fault that they can't deal with it.

Maybe the only problem is that I told them? I should have just let them believe what they wanted. Did I do the right thing? I don't even know anymore...

Okay well I just kinda gathered that my family doesn't really like me.

Three years ago, they loved me. I was the most cute, the must talked about, and the most trusted. I would be asked to tutor young cousins, I would be asked by young cousins about dating issues. I was always the one to watch over said cousins while we were at a family event.

Well now that I'm out and open, my Grandmother is supportive(yay), they don't seem to want anything to do with me.

I went to my aunts house for Friday night dinner and they were happy as usual. They were talkative and I felt like everything was normal. Everything was all good.
But we started talking about the 4th of July. It's a big event in our family. I offerend to take care of the kids while all the other adults went to drink, I don't drink. My uncle said that he didn't think it would be a good idea. "Perhaps we'll just have the oldest of the kids to watch all of them."

You've got to be kidding right? They used to trust me a lot, but ever since I came out, a month ago, to them and they took it kinda hard. I just don't know what to do...

I just needed to rant.