First of all, I'm glad you posted them. c: It takes a little effort to let people read your work for the first time. ~
First poem comments: Short and nice. While having the same eight words at the beginning of virtually every line becomes tedious, it really brings out the line that is different -- I like that sort of variety, but I feel like you could think of a different structure for some of the poem.
Second poem comments: It's interesting to read this one after reading "I wait and wait..."
I'm wondering about the point of view change; at first you seem strictly third person, but in line five you switch into Second Person.
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Originally Posted by Palmoun
But yet he wasn’t their still.
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Their = there. Be careful of grammar/spelling things like this when you show others your poetry; it's not the end of you as a writer by any means, but having a near perfect [spelling/grammar wise] poem helps the reader. I get more from a poem in which I'm not distracted by things like this [being the grammar-nazi I can be.]
Also, I could be wrong and you meant "their," but I doubt it. Sometimes poets spell things wrong on purpose. Us readers have to be sure that you are spelling it wrong because you want to, not because of a easily fixed typo.
On a better note, I really like the next line. This one:
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Originally Posted by Palmoun
I call off the search
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Probably because of the simplicity and the finality, even though it's not the end of the poem. Points to you!
From that line on, the poem is very good. I think that you have a rhythm that doesn't quite make it out in the beginning of your poem. Thus, my advice is to write down those thoughts as you normally would, and then once you have cranked out a draft, go back to the first parts of the poem. You have good details such as in the line:
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Originally Posted by Palmoun
And where you caught me in your beautiful net
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Those can stay. However, a line like
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Originally Posted by Palmoun
Walked along the river
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could use some spicing up. And with some of the other things you say in your poems, you can most definitely give every line something special that the others will envy, and that will make a reader sad to move away from the line.
Another thing that is interesting is the change in the entire poem in the last six lines. It really makes me wonder the backstory; where was he this whole time, while the speaker is crying? That sort of thing.
In a way, I'm dying to know, but I'm also proud that you didn't turn the poem into an epic.
I hope my little comments have been helpful to you. c:
